Full Court Press is On

[swiftkick]

I knew it was just a matter of time, but it started today.  Promises of changes that should have taken place while we were going to counseling together, honeymoon, plans for our future, and the moon.  And he vacillates between insults and professions of love so quickly my head spins.  I'm staying strong now, but my empathy for his pain has always been my enemy in the past.  I feel my emotional well-being outweighs it this time, but I'm so unsure of my strength. 

How do you handle this?  What has worked for you?

[heartandwhole]

Hi swiftkick,

Such a tough situation to be in, your feelings are so understandable.  I know I'd be doubting my strength, too.  I hope you are being gentle with yourself. 

For me, unlearning past patterns of behavior that don't serve me has been helpful.  Not doing what I always do, which leads to more disappointment, hurt, etc. Not putting my needs on the back burner (again), hoping things will get better.  In short, responding in the opposite way of my usual reaction. 

It feels very strange and the doubts come, but that's how I stretch and grow, too, by challenging the status quo.

What would be the "un-swiftkick" response in this case?  What would bring the most growth for you?

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Hi swiftkick, Your empathy for his pain may be misplaced.  I think most of us Nons who have been in a r/s with a pwBPD have a strong caretaker/rescuer/codependent streak, which means that we often create an unhealthy dynamic by putting the needs of others ahead of our own.  The answer, I suggest, is being aware of this tendency and allowing oneself to pause before responding to someone's else's needs.  It's OK to say No.  Allowing someone else to solve their own problems often leads to a more positive outcome, in my view.

Hang in there and stay strong,

LuckyJim

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello Swiftkick - I've been in your situation.  The full court press to "get me back".  He asked me to please not give up on him and I just couldn't.  I didn't put my own emotional well being first and ended up shattered all over again four months later.  I hope you can stay strong and not let his pain become your pain.

[Caredverymuch]

I knew it was just a matter of time, but it started today.  Promises of changes that should have taken place while we were going to counseling together, honeymoon, plans for our future, and the moon.  And he vacillates between insults and professions of love so quickly my head spins.  I'm staying strong now, but my empathy for his pain has always been my enemy in the past.  I feel my emotional well-being outweighs it this time, but I'm so unsure of my strength. 

How do you handle this?  What has worked for you?

Hello swiftkick, I agree with the others in saying it's a difficult place. I experienced this many times and I, too, was always so empathetic to his emotional state that I overlooked my own. It's difficult when they are this way. Those were the times the abandoned child was present. You feel like it's so genuine and true and you go back as such. And being apart is so hard.

I can tell you that the last time I went back after some weeks apart, my expBPD was just this way. That recycle lasted 2 months and was warmer and deeper than before. I think he was seeing that I was able to maintain NC for those weeks apart and it bought the abandonment and resultant control issues to the surface. 

He spoke so often during that recycle of how much he learned in the weeks we had been apart. Primarily that he just could not ever be without me. Ever again. How horrible it was for him. It was truly, to me, so sincere and the attention he paid to me during that time was so incredibly warm and so very loving. Always mentioning that he could not be without me in his life. This "he knew" and why he had to come back and get me. I even talked with him about the fact that I did not think I could emotionally survive another episode of being split and the resultant ST and I wasn't so sure I could do this again. That was not going to happen ever again, he said, and he begged me to believe him. Begged me to "look him in the eyes" and to tell him that I believed him.  He cried. It broke my heart.

He completely abandoned me one week after that very statement. Split me black. And never came back. And acted as if I never have existed, thereafter.

I wish I had protected my own emotional state rather than his so very much.

[swiftkick]

Well, I failed.  I bought the sales pitch again, because it had a twist.  There was this:

He spoke so often during that recycle of how much he learned in the weeks we had been apart. Primarily that he just could not ever be without me. Ever again. How horrible it was for him. It was truly, to me, so sincere and the attention he paid to me during that time was so incredibly warm and so very loving. Always mentioning that he could not be without me in his life. This "he knew" and why he had to come back and get me.

and this:

He asked me to please not give up on him and I just couldn't. 

and promises of things never promised before:  a job, accountability, taking care of our family, being a true husband and father.  I wanted to believe, and heartandwhole, I really should have done this:

For me, unlearning past patterns of behavior that don't serve me has been helpful.  Not doing what I always do, which leads to more disappointment, hurt, etc. Not putting my needs on the back burner (again), hoping things will get better.  In short, responding in the opposite way of my usual reaction. 

What would be the "un-swiftkick" response in this case?  What would bring the most growth for you?

heartandwhole

Right now I'm in "beat up myself" mode, but I know it will pass.  I'm going to focus on a new way... .the "un-swiftkick" response, along with exactly what that looks like.  I know it's the guilt of our child growing up in a broken family that pulls me back in even more than the stbxh pain.  The thought that I could give our child something different than what I had growing up sounds like a no brainer when it's presented, but after coming back to reality, I'm reminded of how much better I had it because at least there was consistency. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey swiftkick, I wouldn't say that you "failed," which sounds like a harsh judgment.  Maybe you are just doing what feels right for you at present?  There's no easy answer in these situations.  Perhaps you could elaborate a little on what is going on, which is hard to tell from your post.  Hang in there, LuckyJim