Looking for advice on custody and a current EPO order. Also seeking support.

[Green_eyes]

Hello everyone,

First of all, I am so happy to be part if a community of people who understand the kind if situation I am currently dealing with. It feels good to know we are not alone in this... .

My ex fiancé is diagnosed Bpd and we have been separated since June 28th.

Some major events led me to file for an emergency protection order granting me temporary sole custody of our 7 month old son as well as temporary residency in my home for a period of 3 months, however the order also states ex BPD is not to enter or come near my home until Jan.10th, 2015. (6months)

I'm feeling confused and unsure what to expect as my ex left recently the territory without even getting in touch with me once to even request getting his clothing or to see his son. It seems that he was enjoying the pity party he had created by telling people he couldn't get his things and he couldn't see his child. (Both untrue)

He is currently honouring an agreement to pay my mortgage while I am on ei maternity leave and I am nervous to start the legal process and trigger his rage. He has already threatened to leave me on my own in dealing with my mortgage because I wrote him about a bill he had forgotten about and needed some information to re establish service for our phone and internet accounts that had been cut. He responded by cutting all our home services and telling me to figure out what I will do with the house. His mother must have reasoned with him and he is back to agreeing to pay while I care for our son.

He says he has left for his health and that he is working to get better everyday. He says he wants to be together again and that he wants to be in his sons life but he will not be living in the territory again. Many if his statements are very contradictory and confusing. He knows how I am beginning to feel about the history of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse and he also knows that I am unable to move so yet another game... .more bull$&!

He states that he wants to always have a room in my home for when he is here visiting and has asked me to change the EPO - something I am unwilling to do at this time as I have time him that his son deserves a peaceful, happy, and stable environment.

I've asked him to provide me his lawyers information to begin with legalities but he has yet to provide me any information. I have also asked him to tell me what type of involvement in his sons life is he hoping for and he will not respond.

What should I do? I just want to figure things out and get this dealt with. He seems to want to torture me and continue with the games and no contact after he got angry because I wouldn't agree to his most recent set of demands.

I want to get sole custody of my son and offer supervised visitation for my ex. (He is not capable of caring for him or nurturing him and he has never watched him more than a few hours and often called me to come home because my baby was crying). He takes medication that is sedating in nature and cannot care for our son in the evenings or over night. (Even when he was able to care for him in the night (before med change) it was always my responsibility.)

He has assaulted me twice with my infant in my arms and the baby could have been seriously hurt. He has screamed rage at me with our son in his own arms on several occasions. I have letters from him admitting to some abuse and a photo documenting an injury to me neck but have never pressed charges. The police have been involved on 2 occasions now.


I need to establish child support but he owns his own business so it currently makes more sense to continue getting the mortgage payments and wait for the support (if and when he decides to stop helping as he promised)as I am told it could take a while to establish his actual income and establish an actual support amount that would be helpful.

My ex made over $560,000 in contracts alone in his graphic business.

Does anyone have any idea as to what this could mean his actual earnings might be?

Does anyone have any experience with an ex trying to pay low support and hide money? He only pays himself $70,000 but makes well over half a million or more.

As far as seeking sole custody with visitation to him. Should I simply wait until he begins looking for access now that he seems to ignore any requests I have sent him?

I'm feeling so consumed with worry and fear as I never know what he may do next.

Any input and advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Matt]

Green_eyes,

It sounds like you might not be in the US, and things are different from place to place.  Have you talked with any attorneys who could tell you how things work where you live?

I think you are right to establish a stable home for you and your son.  Giving your ex a room in your home would be risky since he has been violent and it sounds like he is not getting the treatment he needs.

Where I live, in the US, once you decide to end the relationship, it's important to file a motion with the court.  Since you weren't married it isn't divorce papers, but you can still ask the court to keep him away from you and the child - an "order of protection" or "restraining order".  And you can also file a motion asking for financial arrangements to be set by the court - child support and maybe some other form of support.

I don't know if you can get continuing support like paying the mortgage and other services.  Where I live I think you can't get "spousal support" or "alimony" unless you were married, but it might be different there.

You might also want to consider communicating with your ex by e-mail - even if he doesn't respond - so there is a record of what you send.  You could talk with an attorney, and prepare an offer you think is reasonable - like supervised contact.  If your ex doesn't respond, you can proceed with the court process so everything will be set and enforceable.

[ForeverDad]

You've done pretty good to set boundaries.  Boundaries is an important concept around here.  Sadly, when you're dealing with a person who is clearly not advanced on the road to recovery, any time you are nice or forgiving or feeling guilted or obligated, you almost always realize later that you were sabotaging yourself or your parenting.  So don't be hard on yourself when you rightly have to politely but firmly say "No!"  I just what you have to do, maintain your firm boundaries or invite/enable more pushing, pressuring or worse.

I've often warned our newcomers that they should not be fooled when the distance lessens the conflict.  That doesn't mean the conflict is over and resolved.  Once allowed back into proximity or resuming the relationship, the old patterns will resurface.  BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder most evident in the close relationships.  Distance usually helps but letting him come back without real progress in therapy would undo it.  That's a virtual certainty (99% or higher by my observation) if the person is not progressing well in effective therapy and diligently applying it in his/her thinking, behaviors and entire life.

Yes, there is a high risk he may try to hide some of his income, that's typical.  Even a reasonably normal person could have that tendency, so imagine how increased it would be with a disordered person.  With such a large income involved, you may need to have the court order a Special Master or forensic accountant to get a reasonable amount for child support.  Whether you can get any additional support may depend on your laws, that's what a lawyer or family law attorney is for, to provide local legal advice.