1st "platonic" date...

[pavilion]

Please forgive me if what I am about to say sounds naïve and selfish... .

I suggested to me now ex that we could remain friends. I was the one who instigated the end of the relationship because I knew that there was no future to us and I had lost all romantic attraction to him because of the many rows and hurtful words that have been aimed at me. I felt like I was trapped and unable to be me.

Anyway, last night we went to the cinema. When I picked him up and went into his room (he now lives in a house share). Hmmm actually, thinking about it now why did he invite me up? I digress... as I entered the room I felt my stomach sink and tears well up in my eyes. I'm not sure if this was pity because he has nothing of much to show for his life, guilt because I asked him to move out of my home, yearning for him or a whole combination of emotions. We stayed in the room whilst he finished his cup of tea and then left for the cinema.

Whilst watching the film he attempted to put his hand on mine but I did not respond so he removed it. I could sense he was emotional. For the entire car journey home he cried because he wants to be able to hold and touch me. I gave him a hug when he left crying. It is now the next morning and I don't know what to do. Something within me is yearning to return to him, be in his arms and ease my pain. Another part of me is yelling at me that it will never be a healthy relationship and to continue to grieve despite this deep desire to be with him.

I would really appreciate some empathy, guidance, experiences.

Thank you.

[patientandclear]

You have to decide whether you want to be "in" or "out," but with pwBPD, going back and forth and injecting fear and uncertainty does a lot of damage.  Fear drives a lot of the bad relationship sabotaging behavior to begin with, and once you introduce the knowledge that you will in fact leave, that can amplify that dynamic.

Drawing boundaries and being consistent about them is different -- you are saying hey, as long as you do X or don't do Y, we can't go further than this line, or I will leave while you're raging and return in 3 hours, or ... .whatever it is.  Lots of discussion about that on the Staying board, including the importance of actually observing the boundaries you assert, and not caving/failing to enforce them.  Even though boundaries are not saying "I don't want to be with you," pwBPD often experience them in that way.  Over time, with consistent performance by their partner, they may learn differently.

But actually leaving or ending the relationship is different.  You can't go back and forth with that stuff without doing a ton of damage.

So if you aren't sure, take time to become more sure before making further decisions to be in or out.  There are some tools on the Undecided board to assist with that decision-making process.

You owe it to yourself and to him to know what you're doing and why, and to maintain a consistent message about both.

Good luck -- I've spent a ton of time in confusion about whether I should have left.  I know the agonizing doubt very well.

[pavilion]

You have to decide whether you want to be "in" or "out," but with pwBPD, going back and forth and injecting fear and uncertainty does a lot of damage.  Fear drives a lot of the bad relationship sabotaging behavior to begin with, and once you introduce the knowledge that you will in fact leave, that can amplify that dynamic.

Drawing boundaries and being consistent about them is different -- you are saying hey, as long as you do X or don't do Y, we can't go further than this line, or I will leave while you're raging and return in 3 hours, or ... .whatever it is.  Lots of discussion about that on the Staying board, including the importance of actually observing the boundaries you assert, and not caving/failing to enforce them.  Even though boundaries are not saying "I don't want to be with you," pwBPD often experience them in that way.  Over time, with consistent performance by their partner, they may learn differently.

But actually leaving or ending the relationship is different.  You can't go back and forth with that stuff without doing a ton of damage.

So if you aren't sure, take time to become more sure before making further decisions to be in or out.  There are some tools on the Undecided board to assist with that decision-making process.

You owe it to yourself and to him to know what you're doing and why, and to maintain a consistent message about both.

Good luck -- I've spent a ton of time in confusion about whether I should have left.  I know the agonizing doubt very well.

You are absolutely right. It isn't fair on him, or me for that matter, to try this friendship thing. I must either cut contact or re-invest. Neither of which is appealing. I sit here in tears typing this because that realisation is painful.

[free-n-clear]

It isn't fair on him, or me for that matter, to try this friendship thing. I must either cut contact or re-invest.

   Hi, pavilion. I feel for you, as I also tried to be "just friends" after the end of my r/s. I'd known her quite well (though not nearly as well as I thought) for a long time before we became a couple; we'd been friends for seven years. So after our 2-year r/s, it seemed kind of natural to go back to what it had been before, despite all the heartache and stress I'd been through with her. I found that the r/s had forever changed the way we interacted, though; being 'friends' again just wasn't workable.

  patientandclear mentioned the tools available on Undecided; I agree with her that you'd find them helpful. Have a look at Choosing a Path - Lessons for members who are undecided about their relationships. It will help you work through what's best for you.