What is better?

[RainsBP]

I love him dearly. But he turns into an abusive monster and I'm the target! We are currently 1000s of miles apart. And I'm not sure if I want the distance to change. He was physically abusive - I am not a person who can dismiss that at all - doesn't fly. I know he doesn't but it's still unacceptable... .So I had him arrested and let him sit in jail for 3days. Then we separated far apart. Of course he was sorry and crushed and I feel terrible that he's suffering but a) There is no benefit to either of us or this relationship by allowing myself to be abused and b) I don't want to live that way period or so I explained . I do not think any abusive behavior is ok and I have told him that clearly and repeatedly. I separate myself from what is now only verbal or written situations when they take place. Yet it doesn't stop. He can't control himself around me. He knows he needs and he wants treatment. We've had those moments where he I see the real him the desperate terrified person or so I believe it's not in reaction to trying to win me back or tied to an apology it's just happened- he wants to stop, I believe him - should I?   And I have to ask since it seems to be getting worse... .Do they really get better? The ones that work at it or want to ? Who are motivated for themselves do they get better? Is it just less frequent episodes? I'm just too new to this to really understand ... .

[MissTajo]

Leave him.

I'm so sorry to tell you but what are you trying to get out of this r/s? Nothing is worth violence. That is not the proper way to love someone and you don't deserve that. You deserve better and you will find better. Let him go. 

[refusetosuccumb]

My ex never physically abused me, what broke me ultimately was his affairs.  I caught him in one last year, forgave, tried to move forward.  Discovered 3.5 months ago he was doing it with someone else, I left.

Mine would verbally lash out with some of the meanest stuff I'd ever heard, things I'd never say to my worst enemies.

Both you and I have to save ourselves, no one else will save us.  I love my ex deep down, I wouldn't have married him and had 2 kids with him if I didn't.

BUT the only ones that can save them are themselves.  Mine professes to want help but refuses to take it unless it's on his terms.  He doesn't want therapy, he wants a magic pill from a dr that he doesn't have to meet with.  Unrealistic much?

Good for you for getting out.  With my ex, things never get better they get progressively worse.  Even during the calm I waited for the other shoe to drop.  That's no way to live.

 

[gtrhr]

Just to echo the other advice, you need to leave him.  Physical violence has to be the absolute boundary.  You know it happened before and there is no good reason to think that it won't again.

[RainsBP]

The abuse has been verbal more than anything the incident with the police was him grabbing me then grabbing my phone and smashing it to bits (because he was going to find out who I have been talking too- which was no one) I kicked him out of the house and called the police on another phone immediately. I did not file charges just sent him far far away and said I can't be in the same place as you the bruises are a good reminder. I took photos and every time he asks why things will change I send a collage of broken phone and bruises saying this is why you can't see me this is why we can't be in this relationship right now. It sounds like they can get better but it takes a long time. I know it's not overnight but I just can't wait for a next time this time it was a grab and my phone next time will it be punches ? I'll be just as pissed at myself for being dumb and believing it won't happen again as I will be at him for his behavior. He was married for 14 years and never touched his ex why me? Why now?

[RainsBP]

Do you think if the verbal can stop there will not be any physical? And if I do wait it out few months are there ways to get away , reduce or impede the situation from getting violent? Am I nuts for even considering a relationship with him? I feel nuts... .

[refusetosuccumb]

Feeling nuts is a natural reaction to an unnatural situation.  Its ok. Feel your feelings but keep those pictures close to remind you why you left.

Wheneveer my ex would push a boundary it was easier for him to go even further the next time. You will never know why he did this to you you just know that he did.

[gtrhr]

My ex gf could never stop the verbal.  To be honest, no he will likely continue the verbal abuse unless he has been in therapy doing some serious introspection and soul searching for a long time.

It's not you, it really is his issue.  I don't know the situation with his ex wife.

Yes, it makes you feel crazy to want a peaceful loving relationship when that's what you're offering and they respond with random chaos and abuse.  I never understood why anyone would stay in such a situation either until I was in over my head.

[gtrhr]

I still feel my ex gf is capable of the physical abuse if we were to get as close as we once were.  I've witnessed her parents dynamic and saw where she got those behaviors from.

Another really bad thing you have to consider is that once you allow yourself to be in a situation where you're being abused - watch out.  You can get to a point where someone has f-----ed with you so much, mentally or physically violent, that you yourself can wind up abusing them back and become the thing you least wanted in life!

[RainsBP]

Thanks all! I am moving on to the leaving board that's where I'd like to be right now

[MissTajo]

Thanks all! I am moving on to the leaving board that's where I'd like to be right now

We are proud of you.