Lets have a laugh

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

What is your craziest story... .Don't hold back, their are extra points for making me fall off my chair, bonus points if I wet my pants at the stupidity of the situation. 

Mine are all along the same line, I wonder why they are not crazy any more.  They all blend into one!

We just got together, first dating and she was coming back from a overseas work trip/holiday, about 6 months dating actually.  Now I was all keen to see her again, had really had a good month off, I can recognise now how I was actually de-stressed at that time.  When she was overseas I would get e-mails at 11pm and 1am and I would answer them, she would keep me up e-mailing and I was a bit over it.  I remember not replying one day I just had to sleep.  Anyway when she got back I got asked why I was so needy, why I had to constantly be in touch with her when she was on a work trip/holidays.  I smiled, said because I love you blah blah blah.  Then she had a jab at me for not answering on that specific day.  Apparently that one day she needed me and I wasn't there for her.  Go figure.  Anyway, you know how this goes but finished dinner, went home and before I had got home about 8 minutes drive total, I had an e-mail from her again sitting on my phone.  I remember calling and pointing out that we had just talked and I had been called needy and she said, 'but this is different."  Go figure!

Never mind that I had just left and we had talked for a few hours and all was well, within 5 minutes an e-mail asking me where I was working the next day and could I pick up XYZ a the shops for her.  Back then I obliged but talk about needy!

[Aussie JJ]

What is your craziest story... .Don't hold back, their are extra points for making me fall off my chair, bonus points if I wet my pants at the stupidity of the situation. 

Mine are all along the same line, I wonder why they are not crazy any more.  They all blend into one!

We just got together, first dating and she was coming back from a overseas work trip/holiday, about 6 months dating actually.  Now I was all keen to see her again, had really had a good month off, I can recognise now how I was actually de-stressed at that time.  When she was overseas I would get e-mails at 11pm and 1am and I would answer them, she would keep me up e-mailing and I was a bit over it.  I remember not replying one day I just had to sleep.  Anyway when she got back I got asked why I was so needy, why I had to constantly be in touch with her when she was on a work trip/holidays.  I smiled, said because I love you blah blah blah.  Then she had a jab at me for not answering on that specific day.  Apparently that one day she needed me and I wasn't there for her.  Go figure.  Anyway, you know how this goes but finished dinner, went home and before I had got home about 8 minutes drive total, I had an e-mail from her again sitting on my phone.  I remember calling and pointing out that we had just talked and I had been called needy and she said, 'but this is different."  Go figure!

Never mind that I had just left and we had talked for a few hours and all was well, within 5 minutes an e-mail asking me where I was working the next day and could I pick up XYZ a the shops for her.  Back then I obliged but talk about needy!

[Ceruleanblue]

I don't have a funny story, but I can relate to the whole being called "needy", when it's actually HIM who was pretty needy, I just didn't mind it, and had better manners than to say that to him. Of course he's said a whole lot worse to me than that.

I'm usually on the staying board, but may not be much longer. I want us to work out, but he left tonight at my request. I'm close to a breakdown, and he just gets worse. He's been wanting a "break" for two years, then when I ask him for one(for my own sanity)... .he refuses. BPD seems to be so contrary. If he even has BPD. My bet would be APD.

I'm not sure what to expect next. Maybe some of you from this board have been through this. Will I get false promises or just ignored by him? I can't imagine crashing on his Dad's couch will be much fun at the age of 47... .wait, now that IS sort of funny after all 

[Pieter2]

OK, Ladies and Gentlemen : Brace yourselves.

So, she wants to go to Bruce Springsteen. Who wouldn't want to go? So I say awesome. She wants to invite her friends and dance, get drunk etc. so I say: "OK babe, you do that. I'll drive you there, not drink and drive you home and your friends can stay over at my place so that no-one drives drunk". Awesome! What a nice guy I am. So, I invite one of my friends along who is quiet so that, since I'm staying sober and chilling, can speak to someone who is not crazy partying etc. All to make sure she has a good time with her friends.

Say of the concert. She hits a low. My friend is first to arrive. I bought alcohol for her and her friends, had a BBQ all for them, music playing outside, house prepared for them to come over, have a great time and to sleep over. Again, what a nice guy I am. Her first words to me and my buddy : "If you don't want me here, just say so!" So calm the bitvh down, do to the concert. Band starts playing, she flips out on me! Starts swearing my friend and me and tells me how I treat her like a common wh@re. Out of the blue! It starts raining. She refuses to give me my raincoat which is in her purse. I stand there drenched and she keeps screaming. Says she wants to go home NOW! So we greet everyone and make our way towards the parking.

Now, all of a sudden she doesn't want to go anymore, so I ask her which is it gonna be? Stay or go? All of a sudden she can't walk. Can't walk? Tells me that I am only happy when my friend is there and the fact that she was at the concert meant nothing to me. This is us now standing outside whilst the band is playing. Tells me I'm ruining this for her and that she's always dreamt of deeing the Boss live. But she won't go in? So I'm ruining the night by buying her and her friends drinks and food, driving them there and then giving them all a place to stay? Yep. And now she can't walk. Then threatens to kill herself at the concert! Then tells me that it's over between us, to which I reply : "Thank God. Finally" I've been taking this abuse for 6 hours by now. She then says: "What? You say it's over? I knew you never cared, I'll commit suicide and you won't even care!" So she says its over and when I basically agree, I was the one who said it?

It didn't stop the whole night! Even when we got home, she locked me out of my own house and embarrassed herself and me in front of her friends.

She never saw her friends again as they were all in shock by her crazy psychotic outrage when I was nothing but nice and providing for all of them. They all mailed me and thanked me and apologised for her behaviour. They were also just her friends for a few months then and now she doesn't see me or any of them anymore... .

By the way, afterwords everyone was told it was my friend's and my fault! CRAZY MAN!

[MommaBear]

I'll give you a snapshot of a typical conversation in my marriage.

Him: "You're 20 minutes late. Where were you?"

Me: "In class. I stayed late to discuss my research proposal with a colleague ... ."

Him (interrupting): "Oh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? A 'research proposal'? So I suppose this colleague was a man?"

Me: "You know who works on the project with me, so yes, in fact, it was a man. It was John." (he met the guy on several occasions).

Him: "Then why didn't you answer the phone when I called you?"

Me: "Because I was in class and in a meeting."

Him: "That's very convenient, isn't it?"

Me: "Are you kidding me? It's not CONVENIENT, you know I can't answer my phone in class or in a meeting!"

Him: "How do I know you and John weren't at a motel and not in class like you said you were? How can I know if you don't answer the phone!"

Me: "You're not serious?"

Him: "All this time you were gone, every minute you didn't answer and I was here, waiting for you like an idiot, I kept picturing you and some guys in a bar, or worse, you and John or Dave or one of the other guys you work with at a motel. For all I know you were there with both of them! You have no respect for me! You treat me like an idiot but I'm not falling for it! Don't disrespect me like this!"

Me: "You think I had a threesome with John and Dave?"

Him: "I was sitting here, picturing it! Every second you were gone, the mental image became clearer and clearer! Don't make me look stupid! I know both of those men want you!"

Me: "Yes, and with my weak little female brain, I'll go and run off with them, too! Because, you know, I'm incapable of independent thought."

Him: ":)on't make fun of me after you've just f**ked 2 men in a motel all evening!"

Me: ":)o you even have any evidence of this? You just said you pictured this whole thing in your head because I didn't answer the phone while in class. Want to take a step back and ask yourself how much sense you're making right about now?"

Him: "I don't have evidence because you're all intellectuals and you know how to HIDE the evidence!"

Me: "My research isn't in the destruction of extra-marital evidence. I told you, I was in class, and in a meeting. I'm sorry if you don't believe me. I've put two copies of my schedule on the fridge and on the board so you can know where I am at all times. See? Wednesday evening, class and meeting."

Him: "How do I know you didn't skip class? How do I know you didn't just write that there so you could meet the guys instead and throw me off your trail?"

Me: "I guess you don't. I guess short of putting a GPS device on me and tracking me like a raving maniac every minute of every day, the only alternative is trusting that after 7 years of monogamy, I'm not cheating on you. Shall we go and buy the GPS thing right now, or do you want to wait until tomorrow morning?"

Him (frustrated glare): "That would make me look like one of those crazy husbands. I'm not crazy."

Me: "So the alternative is martial trust? Right. Well, so long as you don't look crazy."

Him: "It was an emergency."

Me: "What was so important?"

Him: "I sent you a text, but it doesn't matter. You don't care."

Me: "Well, let me read the text then ... ."

Him: "My feelings don't matter to you."

Me: (reading the text) "I'm sorry, am I reading this right?"

Him: "I knew you'd trivialize this."

Text: Where are the dry erase markers?

[Aussie JJ]

Momma, I fell off the chair at the text.  That is SOO true

[camuse]

I could go on all day about the bonkers conversations we had.

One of the maddest was that she could never move in with me as she was worried i might throw her out! i said, why on earth would you worry about that? she said, we'd need a house bought jointly. I said, ok, well we could do that. But she said, "but you'd want me to contribute to the mortgage". I have more money than her (she spends all her spare cash on drugs), so i said "well you could contribute a smaller amount" but turned out she wanted me to buy a house entirely myself, but then put her down on the deeds as joint owner so she could have half of it if/when she decided the relationship was over. I said "so basically you want me to give you half a house, for free, that i have to give away to you at any time." Her reply: "If we're to be a team, that's what you'd do." what the heck  

Actually I just remembered another part of that conversation. she said "If you love someone, you'll give them everything." Unless you are BPD of course. In which case you take everything and give nothing.

[Aussie JJ]

Hahaha carmuse. 

This is actually fun.  I have this written down on my list.  She used to pay 125 a week towards the morgage 600 a week repayments.  After our son was born she stopped paying.  She would yell at me.  I AM NOT PAYING FOR YOUR DEBTS, YOU BOUGHT THIS HOUSE ITS YOUR DEBT.  Then I would get an e-mail thank you for working to pay for this house and the roof over our heads. 

She didnt want to pay for it it was my debt but I had to provide that roof over her head.  ROFL. 

[woofhound]

here's a good one... .

When I first started dating my uexBPD she came over one weekend, we had sex, and she gave me a pair of panties as a gift. Pretty much as soon as she handed them to me I hung them on my hookah. Later that week I clean up, and put the hookah with the panties on them in my pantry. She comes back the next weekend. At some point she asks if she can get something to eat, to which I reply, "sure, there's stuff in the pantry"... .Opens the pantry and sees HER OWN PANTIES and asks... ."Why are these in here." I say, "what do you mean?". She says, "Nothing... " I enquired further, but she played it off like nothing was wrong. It was confusing... .

The kicker: a long time later (like at least 6 months) we had moved in together, and we ride to the gas station together to get ice for a trip to the lake. The gas station attendant, a 40 something, called me by name (I went to this gas station nearly every day) and asked if I would have my cigarettes. I said yes, and went on about my business... .Later, on the way to the lake, she asks me "what was that all about?" I had no idea what she was on about. After pulling it out of her, she told me she thought it was flirty when I interacted with the attendant... .Then she goes on to tell me she thought I had been cheating on her from the start of our relationship because I hid her panties in my cupboard... .I hid HER OWN PANTIES... .What was I supposed to do? Frame them and put them above the front door to ward off other women? Jeeeeez

Hindsight... .probably projection. What the heck?

[BlondeRunner]

This thread is making me giggle... .

So as we know a BPD loves to mirror the person they are with. I'm a total gym bunny and within a few weeks of dating my dBPDexbf signed up to a full blown expensive fancy membership at my gym because he too loves to work out. Apparently!

I'm not trying to be mean when I say this but my ex doesn't have one athletic bone in his body. The guy is a 6ft stringbean who works with computers  - I have more muscle than he does!

Despite my repeated insistence that he doesn't have to come to the gym to impress me, that I appreciate it's not for everyone, that I like him the way he is and so on he comes with me a couple of times.

Anyway one morning I was on a bike, cycling away and I can see in the reflection of the mirrored wall that my ex is running full pelt on the treadmill... .he keeps glancing over at me to see if I'm impressed... .faster... .faster until he realises he's going too fast, his legs can't keep up, he can't find the emergency off switch in his panic, he catches a staff members attention who rushes to him and tries to lean over the machine to switch it off, he loses coordination of his legs and FALLS OFF THE TREADMILL.

I wanted to die. I just looked straight at the gym TV and pretended he wasn't with me... . 

[Mr Hollande]

faster... .faster until he realises he's going too fast, his legs can't keep up, he can't find the emergency off switch in his panic, he catches a staff members attention who rushes to him and tries to lean over the machine to switch it off, he loses coordination of his legs and FALLS OFF THE TREADMILL.

Guffaw of the day! Mine isn't as good but here we go anyway... .


My first BPD ex, the one I was with 15 years ago, found out I had had sex with a girl who had a piercing through her hoohah. That was long before I met BPDgf, just to clarify. I told her it had done nothing for me sexually but she became obsessed with it. Obsessed to the point of putting herself through the pain of having it done to herself. She was fine to me as she was but no matter how many times I pointed this out plus the not insignificant fact that it had not been a turn on for me at all she just HAD to have it done.

[refusetosuccumb]

I only recently find any of my crazy interactions with my ex remotely amusing.

I was loyal to him throughout our entire relationship.  Him, not so much.  I distinctly remember one night, about 6yrs ago, when I got home from work he was waiting for me with a condom in front of him (still in it's package).  He began interrogating me about it, asking who I was sleeping with, who it was for, how dare I, etc.  For weeks he would accuse me of cheating on him.

Last week when I picked up the kiddos from their visit, I had to use the restroom.  There, on the counter, is the same brand of condoms he accused me of using to cheat on him.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

[mitchell16]

this hilarous. an average person would never believe these thing happened, unless you been with a BPD then you know these are all true stories. sad but true. LOL so here goes mine ive posted it before and tho i have many this one always stands out as the craziest thing i ever heard.

My exBPDgf was moving from her apartment to a new house. but on the following week she had to go out of town on business. The weekend before she left we worked our butts of to get her moved and got alot of it done. anyway I asked her if there is anything i can do at her old place or new place while she was gone. I live in another state about about 1.5 hours away. She said no, that I wouldnt know where to put the stuff she wanted to move and it be ok until she gets back. while out of town on a business trip we have an argument , very minor but she ends up raging at me and hangs up on me and I dont call back. Next day she calls wanting to talk about it all. she tells how she is so stressed with everything and how I never help her. Of course Im confused cause I just worked my butt off the weekend before and tried to help while she was gone but she refused to let me. so I asked her what is she talking about. she said you could have moved my stuff while i was out of town, mitchell. I said I offered, she said you should have just did it without being told. I said I dont have a key to your old place or you new place, how would I get in to move this stuff. she said well you could have came over a mowed my yard, while I was gone. I said, by the time I got off of work and got my lawn mower drove over it would be to dark but i would do it that coming up weekend.she said you just dont do enough to help me, I said like what. Once again confused. She said well you could have washed my car for me while I was gone. I said how could I, you was driving it on your trip. She got mad and said you got an excuse for everything and hung up on me. LOL this is one of the craziest arguments I had ever heard.

[elessar]

this hilarous. an average person would never believe these thing happened, unless you been with a BPD then you know these are all true stories.

I drifted apart from my friends and some mutual friends because they wouldn't believe me. They couldn't believe what I was saying about her. Drives you crazy, eh?

[SpringInMyStep]

Oh there are so many!

I used to accompany her to therapy once a week (I'd wait in a cafe) and then pay for the cab home so she wouldn't have to take the bus when she was in such a delicate state. Whatever.

After one particularly stressful therapy session, we had a silent cab ride in which she sulked and gazed out the window the entire time.  When we got home, she went into the bedroom and flopped onto the bed. Next thing I know, I see her on the floor, completely covered in this big fuzzy blanket, sliding along towards the kitchen. What? At this point I was used to her weird behavior, so I just went with it.

She wouldn't speak to me, though I kept asking her what was wrong. Finally she ended up cowering in a corner of the kitchen floor, still under the blanket, not speaking.  I thought "___ it", and went to sit on the sofa and wait it out. After a few minutes, I saw her head pop up and it scared the crap out of me. She slowly came over to the sofa and lay down with her head in my lap and that was that!

Looking back, I cannot believe I stayed with her for so long.

[Boss302]

OK, this is probably a bit of black humor, but here goes... .

BPDx is a waif/queen, and LOVES to play the victim. So one day, after I told her I was leaving, she decided to tell her brother in California that she was contemplating suicide because I had done her so wrong (she wasn't even remotely serious about it).

In short order, the cops show up at our house to do a welfare check on her... .and they dragged her off to the hospital in handcuffs. Not surprisingly, they evaluated her and figured out she was full of it, and discharged her at about 4 am. She has the cojones to call me to come get her. At the time we had no car... .and I literally had about three dollars to my name. There was no way.

So she was stuck at the hospital for another 10 hours or so until her sister could come get her and bring her home. Those were ten very nice hours. I told my mother about it and she laughed her behind off. File this under "fake suicide threat drama queen karma".

Honorable mention:

BPDx decides that she is going to take the kids to Washington DC on vacation, with money she doesn't have. Oh, and yeah... .she wants me and my girlfriend to come along to chaperone the kids, while she sits in the hotel doing nothing. For a brief moment, I consider the delicious prospect of having world-class, acrobatic, 100-decibel sex with my girlfriend in the next room over from BPDx... .

[Aussie JJ]

Their is a theme her... .MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME. 

Oh sorry you weren't catering to me ?

[woofhound]

Their is a theme her... .MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME. 

Oh sorry you weren't catering to me ?

imagine that... .a pwBPD that's selfish... .this idea seems really foreign to me 

[AG]

Im about to top all of yours right now ... .Maybe not really that funny but more on the ridiculous shocking side. During the last stages my ex was on a victim frenzy and blaming me for all sorts of nonsense. Within that frenzy she said and I kid you not this is word for word "Oh Im sorry I'm 4'11"     . This had other things before it that were my fault but this one had me like What the heck. Ok so let me get this straight I somehow went back in a time machine before she was born and created a serum in a lab that stunts childrens growth and somehow snuck it into her moms drink. Her height is not because her father and mother are both short but rather because it is my fault somehow. SMH and LOL at the same time.

[RainsBP]

It's common for me to get free T-shirts on a job.

Recently my BPDbf saw I got a new T-shirt. 

I explained I had been stuck in the booth and someone else had actually grabbed one for me and that I had sent them back to get another larger one for him but there were none.

He repeatedly told me how inconsiderate I was for not thinking of him.

How I was selfish and only thought of myself always.

I said you are more than welcome to my shirt but it will be a bit snug.

No he did not want it and every time he sees it, it will just be a reminder of how inconsiderate I am.

Fast forward a month to another project with a vendor giving out free t-shirts, well after the last shirt incident I figured I better on this so off I went to get one in the appropriate size.

Very proud of myself I take a photo and text him "look a little gift for you"

A call response immediately " oh really, who'd you get that from ?"

I explained it was a vendor etc

He asked if the vendor was male.

I said "yes? "

He said oh how I must have giggled, and flipped my hair and flirted to get the t-shirt, how could I be so disrespectful to him. Whoring myself out for a t-shirt ! I probably wanted to have sex with him. In fact probably had! Why would I do such a thing? I reminded him of the previous t-shirt incident - how he thought I was so inconsiderate and explained I didn't flirt or whore myself out but simply asked for a t-shirt in his size and was given one. But according to him I must have done something to get the shirt?Why would he want a reminder of me whoring myself out and being disrespectful to him! Keep the f-ing t-shirt and tell the ___ you got it from to f- off.

I just said "at this rate my closet will be full of my size inconsideration and  slightly larger size disrespect." He hung up.

[Boss302]

]Here's another one:

During the divorce process with BPDx, I had to give her a copy of my bank statements. One night, I turned on my phone to hear a long, Christian Bale-yelling-at-a-stagehand-quality (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEV2eNS6mQ4) voicemail rant about a $25 payment to Planned Parenthood showed up on my statement. She started ranting about how I'd given her a STD, and it went on for about five minutes.

What was the $25 payment? I made a donation.

It's ALL about them... .all the time.

[Vatz]

Me: "You think I had a threesome with John and Dave?"

Holy Moses, you can't make this sh** up, that was hilarious!

Mine is a bit early in the relationship I probably should have taken as a 

She said "I want to sleep with someone else. He's a virgin and I want to sort of help out." When I said "No, let him find his own girlfriend, I don't like this" she would call me close-minded and how I was stifling her. When we got together she knew I wasn't about that cheating nonsense and certainly wouldn't have been okay with her staight up f***ing another dude.

Oh, here's one... .

During her emotional affair with some weirdo half the country away, she wanted to go to that state to visit him. It just so happens her sister lived there. Basically, and I'm trying my best to paraphrase accurately... .

"He's just my friend, but I like him. I want to go over there to see him, to find out if I like him enough that should anything happen to us, that I could be with him." No joke. She basically told me she wanted to go shopping for a back-up boyfriend. I'm assuming intercourse would have been the equivalent of a "test-drive." I talked her out because there was no visit, also probably because she'd always spend all her money that she couldn't afford plane tickets. Should have just told her to hit the bricks then and there.

Remembering the moments when she acted like a b**ch

The Vatz felt a waning of his recycling-itch.

After realizing what would happen if she had her way

His unhealthy fixation with her shrunk three sizes that day.

Didn't mean to offend any women with the B-word, but couldn't think of anything to rhyme with "itch."

[.cup.car]

What is your craziest story... . Don't hold back, their are extra points for making me fall off my chair, bonus points if I wet my pants at the stupidity of the situation. 

I won't do crazy stories, I'll do funny stories though. Crazy brings up bad memories.

---

First year I'd met her, November of 2010, this puts me at 18, she was 16. Hadn't seen each other in a while so we resorted to phone calls. Anyways, her habit was calling late at night. Whatever.

Buddy of mine worked the night shift at the nearby Superstore. He dropped by around 930pm before his shift started to play some games. She calls. In tears. Buddy of mine knew everything up to this point so he understood that she was a little different. I put her on speaker phone so he could experience her insanity firsthand.

We're playing some racing game, and he was stoned. Somehow, he messed up, and his car got stuck inside of a jump. Like, half the truck was warped into the ground, something that shouldn't happen with normal gameplay. He has no idea what to do so just starts pressing random buttons on the controller. Doesn't work. I watch him struggle with this and it's pretty funny in its own right.

Girl starts talking about why she's so distraught, WHILE buddy is comically trying to get his red Dodge un-stuck. Apparently she'd gotten in a fight with her parents earlier in the day during breakfast. She got so upset that she grabbed a pancake and whipped it at her mom (I have the facebook messages to prove this), and they now wanted to take her to court over it. Absolutely ridiculous, but these are the stories she told on a daily basis and would get worked up over.

We both can't breathe because we can't figure out what's funnier; the pancake story, or my buddy's truck being stuck in the game. Of course, I was still on speaker phone, so we couldn't talk, laugh, or do much of anything other than poker face our way through it.

Girl continues about the pancake incident, starts bringing up more stuff about how her parents keep calling the cops on her for violence - again, totally distraught. Suddenly, buddy finds a way to get his truck un-stuck. Hits a button and his Dodge is sent sailing about 30,000 feet into the air, spinning so rapidly the camera has trouble keeping track of it.

We both drop to the floor, while the chick is still sobbing on the phone. She continued to cry and scream and ramble as if I was responding to everything she said. Me and my bro were literally ROLLING on the floor and bumping into chairs and stuff, and this chick kept going on.

And just like that, she snapped out of it and started talking about how she drew zombie porn in art class the previous day. Loaded up facebook, brought up a pretty suggestive picture she'd taken, and pointed to the phone. His jaw bounced off the carpet.

===

Second story goes back to when we first met. Like I've said in previous posts, my ex and I met in what's essentially a U17 psych ward, very similar to the movie "It's Kind of a Funny Story." Honest to God most of us were just spoiled white kids with overprotective parents, aside from a few people like my ex who obviously had deeper problems. It was kind of like Big Brother, except nobody got voted off. Really relaxed atmosphere.

There was this one guy, from the "high risk" side, who was clearly fried on either MDMA or Magic Mushrooms. Total disconnect with reality. Thought he could cast spells on people. Sang Lady Gaga songs loud enough at 3am to wake up the whole ward.

Anyways, by the time that kid was allowed to integrate with us during the day, a few couples had developed due to the even mix of guys and girls in the ward, myself and my ex being one of them. We were bored one day, and needed a form of cheap entertainment. The kid always came up to her to talk about witchcraft and other weird spiritual junk and we usually just politely nodded along until he'd find some other distraction.

Instead, I told her to let him try and cast one of his "spells" on her, and after he's said whatever black magic gibberish, to twitch her arm a whole bunch and pretend to get all freaked out.

So, like clockwork, he comes up, does the whole "I can cast spells" deal, and spouts off incomprehensible garbage. Being the phenomenal actor she is, her arm starts twitching and she gets all flustered, pretends to panic and starts raising her voice - STOP! STOP! - that sort of thing. I'm right beside her and even though his brain's fried, he still kind of understood what was going on between us. I glared at the kid and told him to "fix [REDACTED]'s arm." Poor fellow pushed out a brick in his pants, said he "didn't know how to reverse it" and began telling us how he hadn't studied some witchcraft book he rented from the library as much as he could have. Spouted more random gibberish to "try something" and eventually I bumped her shoulder to cut it out.

Maybe that's what caused her BPD?

idk

[merm49]

Oh boy, where to start.  We all know the everyday denigration and push/pull and black/white stuff.

She would rage at me that I type and chew too loud, but I talk to low (not softly, just low), and that I move my eyes around/look around me/notice what's going on around me too much and that I was obviously ashamed or afraid to be with her (can you talk about projection).

There was her breaking up with me after a hellacious couple of weeks, only to create a pregnancy scare texting me at all hours of the night that she was 'seriously freaking out" when I told her the solution and that I'd pay at 330am one morning over text, I was accused of being cruel.  About two days later, after she tried to have me hang out with her and a bunch of other interested males from her native country and I ignored her the next day, she called me 15 times in a day (I didn't answer) and stalked me to my apartment (I had intentionally left).

There was the final nail in the coffin, when, after 5 weeks of NC and 6 weeks of no meeting/talking initiated by me and after an email to me declaring her undying love, how unforgettable I was, etc, had me agree to meet her with my guard up she... .had sex with another guy the night before and day of our meeting, than couched it in well we were on break this is what break means and that she could't remember if we were meeting on Sunday or Monday--as if her actions on a Saturday would have been somehow less hypocritical/hurtful if we'd talked on a Monday.  She then blamed me for being "so cruel to her" (again, another projection) , sheerly because I reacted with a long, drawn out 'wow' and the look on my face made her feel like a monster .

The one that really sticks out, however, was one morning after I'd stayed the night.  She had to go to an appointment, me to work.  She called me on my commute, asking if I knew where her computer was because she forgot it.  I said, oh yeah, I remember you putting in a drawrer last night.  She said  "are you serious?", got annoyed,  and hung up.  Later I saw her, and she was legitimately angry at me for not telling her where her computer was, because apparently I had known she'd forgotten it and kept it a secret so that she would be forced to return home and waste an hour of her day when I knew where it was only after she told me she'd forgotten it.  I began laughing.  She was actually pissed, and blamed me for her forgetting it.  I finally was able to assure her that there was no conspiracy abound, which she conceded but still admonished me for not being helpful and asking her if she remembered all of her belongings before leaving.  Later that night, she went out clubbing and dancing despite having a ton of projects to work on, then regaled me with texts about how she felt like the most popular girl in the club and what a great feeling all the attention was.  That was a fun day.

[JonnyKrunch]

Just a couple off the top of my head-

2 excuses my wife uses to not leave the house... .

Anxiety that I will look at someone who is more attractive,

and not having any clothes to wear

In my opinion she has plenty of clothes but I understand women view

this different than men... .so I never make an issue of it

So she hits me with this clothes complaint, money was tight that week,

but the next week I laid $400 on the table and asked if that was enough.

With a str8 face she said "it doesn't matter, I don't have any clothes to wear

to go out and buy new clothes"

In 12 yrs my wife has seen me look at another womans butt once, just once.

I have been paying for that ever since... .but,

Soon after that incident she visited her parents in another state... .hooked up

with an old friend, made out, (kissing and petting, or so she says that's all that happened)

She told me this 9 yrs after the fact. Also told me it was my fault for not going on the trip

with her, and I should feel lucky she didn't go all the way.

And what I did was worse because she believed I wanted the girl I stared at,

she didn't want that guy. I was pretty much stunned and the only thing I could

come up with at the time was-

Are you saying instead of it's ok to look but don't touch,

It's ok to touch, but don't look !

[Mr Hollande]

During one of our many arguments over her excessive drinking I mentioned that one of my best friends who grew up with an alcoholic father had expressed his concerns over how she could knock em back. Her response was "I bet he wouldn't turn me down if I offered myself to him though".

[jess2014]

I'll give you a snapshot of a typical conversation in my marriage.

Him: "You're 20 minutes late. Where were you?"

Me: "In class. I stayed late to discuss my research proposal with a colleague ... ."

Him (interrupting): "Oh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? A 'research proposal'? So I suppose this colleague was a man?"

Me: "You know who works on the project with me, so yes, in fact, it was a man. It was John." (he met the guy on several occasions).

Him: "Then why didn't you answer the phone when I called you?"

Me: "Because I was in class and in a meeting."

Him: "That's very convenient, isn't it?"

Me: "Are you kidding me? It's not CONVENIENT, you know I can't answer my phone in class or in a meeting!"

Him: "How do I know you and John weren't at a motel and not in class like you said you were? How can I know if you don't answer the phone!"

Me: "You're not serious?"

Him: "All this time you were gone, every minute you didn't answer and I was here, waiting for you like an idiot, I kept picturing you and some guys in a bar, or worse, you and John or Dave or one of the other guys you work with at a motel. For all I know you were there with both of them! You have no respect for me! You treat me like an idiot but I'm not falling for it! Don't disrespect me like this!"

Me: "You think I had a threesome with John and Dave?"

Him: "I was sitting here, picturing it! Every second you were gone, the mental image became clearer and clearer! Don't make me look stupid! I know both of those men want you!"

Me: "Yes, and with my weak little female brain, I'll go and run off with them, too! Because, you know, I'm incapable of independent thought."

Him: ":)on't make fun of me after you've just f**ked 2 men in a motel all evening!"

Me: ":)o you even have any evidence of this? You just said you pictured this whole thing in your head because I didn't answer the phone while in class. Want to take a step back and ask yourself how much sense you're making right about now?"

Him: "I don't have evidence because you're all intellectuals and you know how to HIDE the evidence!"

Me: "My research isn't in the destruction of extra-marital evidence. I told you, I was in class, and in a meeting. I'm sorry if you don't believe me. I've put two copies of my schedule on the fridge and on the board so you can know where I am at all times. See? Wednesday evening, class and meeting."

Him: "How do I know you didn't skip class? How do I know you didn't just write that there so you could meet the guys instead and throw me off your trail?"

Me: "I guess you don't. I guess short of putting a GPS device on me and tracking me like a raving maniac every minute of every day, the only alternative is trusting that after 7 years of monogamy, I'm not cheating on you. Shall we go and buy the GPS thing right now, or do you want to wait until tomorrow morning?"

Him (frustrated glare): "That would make me look like one of those crazy husbands. I'm not crazy."

Me: "So the alternative is martial trust? Right. Well, so long as you don't look crazy."

Him: "It was an emergency."

Me: "What was so important?"

Him: "I sent you a text, but it doesn't matter. You don't care."

Me: "Well, let me read the text then ... ."

Him: "My feelings don't matter to you."

Me: (reading the text) "I'm sorry, am I reading this right?"

Him: "I knew you'd trivialize this."

Text: Where are the dry erase markers?

[camuse]

I was 10 minutes late to meet mine once due to traffic. I phoned her at the meet time and spoke all the time until I got to her. She was crying! She said, I got all dressed up i didn't know where you were. Erm, I was talking to you! I'd fallen off my impossible pedestal by being 10 minutes late of course. The idealisation was shattered - I wasnt the amazing traffic-beating superman after all! Such pressure to live up to the impossible expectations every day

[Tiepje3]

I play a big drum (Surdo) in a Brasilian percussion band. During a big festival we were invited to play together with about a 100 other drum players. I was supposed to meet at the railway station, with the big band, but also with my uBPDstbxh. We were already rehearsing our samba percussion (imagine the noise... .) when I spotted him. I noticed he was looking for me, but not once did his eyes turn into the direction of the noise made by 100 drums. He frantically paced back and forth until I finally decided to break away from the band and walk over to him to let him know where I was. He got mad at me because he 'couldn't find me'. He was also mad, because he had planned to pick me up at the platform and carry my big drum and now he wasn't able to do something nice for me. He had also called me, but when I pointed out my phone was in my backpack, because I was playing, he was mad because I refused to pick up his calls.

[pieceofme]

this isn't funny, so much as just ridiculous and cruel... .but my ex told me today that i've gotten too skinny and it doesn't look good for my height. (not that it matters, but my BMI falls within the normal range.) he actually used this as a reason not to be with me, which i guess might as well be good for a laugh.

[Blimblam]

I play a big drum (Surdo) in a Brasilian percussion band. During a big festival we were invited to play together with about a 100 other drum players. I was supposed to meet at the railway station, with the big band, but also with my uBPDstbxh. We were already rehearsing our samba percussion (imagine the noise... .) when I spotted him. I noticed he was looking for me, but not once did his eyes turn into the direction of the noise made by 100 drums. He frantically paced back and forth until I finally decided to break away from the band and walk over to him to let him know where I was. He got mad at me because he 'couldn't find me'. He was also mad, because he had planned to pick me up at the platform and carry my big drum and now he wasn't able to do something nice for me. He had also called me, but when I pointed out my phone was in my backpack, because I was playing, he was mad because I refused to pick up his calls.

this story is really cute