The long black dream..

[sweetillusions]

Any hope once clung to ought to be discarded. The rock on which I once stood has been ground down into sand. Innumerable grains of sand, slipping through my fingers. Those tiny crystals find home in the maps of my identity, in the valleys of my finger prints they are held in place by the very moisture that is created by me, sad reminders of what could have been. Though, not what ever was. It never existed, only in dreams. Yet, these grains cling to me because of me and every day it is the very thing that I cling to. Such tiny grains.

Grains of dreams that were built on the better side. The adoration versus the hatred and disgust. Not only do I want to be adored, I want to adore. I know he wants the same but his behaviour most of the time is on a distant, unrecognisable and inhospitable planet where no love grows.

The immediate and natural thought to write 'hope must be discarded' is later edited to 'ought to be'. What was previously written in the bad times gets erased and forgotten about. A merry-go-round where the scenery changes but the ups-and-downs are the same. I begin to write sentences and decide to throw the whole feeling/thought away because I can't come up with a way to phrase it that his now internalised voice would not criticise.

On this very night I have literally locked him in to keep myself safe from both the verbal and the physical. I lock myself out. The echoes this has of the relationship as a whole should be acknowledged. The denial of his abuse, keeping it in a separate place, my lack of understanding, me setting up walls around myself.

And again it happens. And again. And I know he would say that you can't start a sentence with and or but. But I don't care, there are much greater things to be concerned with and when I'm grabbed by my throat or hair and have abuse yelled into my ear my grammar tends to slip.

AND I'll post this on the 'undecided' board. I'll be communicating with the 'internet' which he says is my only friend. I'll be going against my decision to stay. I can't make the decision to leave. Why? Because I love him.

I can't change what decision he makes.

[BFKurt]

I've been dealing with the same thing.  Our love was amazing in the beginning and I've been spinning my wheels with her trying to get back to something good.  I'm starting to accept that this is her.  The person I love so much doesn't exist.  It is truly only in the world of "if only".  That seems possible though because it once existed.  Finally I've taken a step back and realized "what the hell am I doing".  You're better than this.  Nobody deserves to be abused.  People deserve to be loved and respected.  You would think they would appreciate us even more with how much we put up with but they don't get it.  it hurts too much for them to ever admit they are wrong or how much they hurt us.  They can't love.  They weren't shown examples of love.  They are good at hating.  That's what they saw growing up.  I'm even more pissed now that I was deceived.  There was the entrapment in the beginning making me fall madly in love.  Then the truth came out and it is ugly.  I can't fix this.  I sense you are going through the same thing.  I'm in the "undecided" category.  Why I'm not in the leaving category is something I have to grapple with next.  I was always a confident person with high self-esteem and that has been eroded.  I have to get back to this place so I can get away from this abuse and be strong.  I feel sorry for her but it's something I can't fix.  If you're like me, you've tried.  What has it gotten you?  With most people it should have gotten you more commitment, love, and respect.  At least in my case, I think she sees it as a chance to abuse more and have more control.  Have you felt appreciated?  Giving people should be loved back and appreciated.  Don't stand for abuse whatever you decide.  That is never acceptable.