Did you have any phrases in your head that helped you through your break-up?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The phrase that I had in my head during our horrible break-up fights-- it just popped in there-- were "love is patient, love is kind." That helped me think "this isn't love." It's still helping me now, as I'm struggling to let go. Did you all have any?

[kc sunshine]

The phrase that I had in my head during our horrible break-up fights-- it just popped in there-- were "love is patient, love is kind." That helped me think "this isn't love." It's still helping me now, as I'm struggling to let go. Did you all have any?

[KrisK7]

Yeah, I've got a few.

"I am enough."

"Everything is temporary."

"You'll be real disappointed if you think everyone has the same heart you do."

I's tough, but you're not alone. We'll all get through this together.

[Suspicious1]

Embarrassed to admit I had "This too Shall Pass" tattooed on my wrist four-weeks post break-up. Ahem.

[kc sunshine]

those are great-- thanks  

[thereishope]

How about in the other direction?  I have phrases in my head that play over and over that are probably actually helping me gain the strength TO BREAK UP... .since I'm still in the lion's den atm... .

Such phrases are:

"What do you even do all day?"

"I'm done talking" (usually RIGHT after he has accused me of something and then won't let me answer)

"That's bulls... .t"

"You need to grow up... ." (major projection, since this is what he needs to do)

and the list goes on and on... .

[Mr Hollande]

My mantra is: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

[KrisK7]

My mantra is: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

That grounded me so much. Beautiful.

[thereishope]

My mantra is: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

That grounded me so much. Beautiful.

I like this very much too.  So true... .

[camuse]

"You need to grow up... ." (major projection, since this is what he needs to do)

Haha! Yeah I had "This is what happens in grown up relationships." Erm, nope. This is what happens in relationships with 4 year olds in adult bodies.

[Panda39]

Look Fear in the face and just say "NO" - Pink

[asher2]

"She's somebody else's problem now."

[thereishope]

"You need to grow up... ." (major projection, since this is what he needs to do)

Haha! Yeah I had "This is what happens in grown up relationships." Erm, nope. This is what happens in relationships with 4 year olds in adult bodies.

... .Thank you for the honest to goodness "laugh-out-loud", on that one, camuse!  I need it, and... .AMEN to that!   

[thereishope]

Look Fear in the face and just say "NO" - Pink

My phone ringtone is "WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER... .!." from the song by Kelly Clarkson... .

[Mr Hollande]

Initially uttered by the great thinker and physical weakling Friedrich Nietzsche. A man who never experienced love and with that probably not BPD either. 

[Heartandsole]

This "Autobiography" from the Buddhist Book of living and Dying has helped me tremendously and I refer back to it and am honest which chapter I am in and where I am trying to go.  It helps me not to recycle to read this.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters


Chapter I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost... .I am hopeless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it there.

I still fall in... .it's a habit... .but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson



So I have a vision of walking down a beautiful new street.  I visualize the old street that I know so well as some kind of poc-marked moonscape full of holes where landmines went off when I stepped on the "triggers". 

My mantra is "I will walk down another street"

I also keep telling myself that "Going our separate ways is for our mutual benefit" (helps with guilt)

"I release her with love to find her happiness"

"I am better off without her and better off having known her"

"Love does not conquer all" (it's written into my wedding band slightly differently)

"I lover her but I can't allow myself to live with her"


Thanks everyone for sharing, I have the "morning what it would be/not missing what it was on a post it note at my desk now"

On the negative side, I remember the feelings I would get while getting berated and devalued while "trapped" driving in the car with her and not being able to stop it. I would pass the time visualizing pulling the wheel into each tree or telephone pole or bridge piling as a potential way to make her shut up.

[pieceofme]

"You need to grow up... ." (major projection, since this is what he needs to do)

Haha! Yeah I had "This is what happens in grown up relationships." Erm, nope. This is what happens in relationships with 4 year olds in adult bodies.

when he would make me cry during his rages, i was told "you're acting like a child" or "stop being a baby." as if it's totally acceptable for a grown man to throw a temper tantrum.

[seeking balance]

"This too shall pass" was my mantra also.

In the early days, I carried a print out of 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck around, those really kept me grounded.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[kc sunshine]

There's a song on the radio these days that that goes: "I've got one less problem without you"-- I've been trying to hum those lines to myself (and with BPD-- it's more like "thirty less problems without you"

[Mr Hollande]

Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea - Problem

Alludes to Jay Z's 99 Problems But A B***h Aint One. I've wished many times I'd been in the position to say what Jay Z says but I'm not. None of us here are. 

[hergestridge]

For the first few weeks I had to remind myself of how bad it had been. That it wasn't just me imagining. I had this quote from walking on eggshells like a mantra:

(it describes what you through as a "non"

"You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;

You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;

Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;

You are accused of things you never did or said?

You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;

You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;

You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to."

It describes my 20 year rs to a T and when you sum it up like that - it's not something that you can go back to, is it?

[woofhound]

some lyrics that have helped me through this

"Move away you F*ing tornado,

I'm better off without you tearing my world down"

From "A Stranger" by A Perfect Circle

"You got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend

when I was down you just stood there grinnin'

"You got a lot of nerve to say you've got a helping hand to lend

You just wanna be on the side that's winnin'"

from "Positively 4th Street" by Bob Dylan


"I gotta admit that I'm a little bit confused.

Sometimes it seems to me as if I'm just being used.

Gotta stay awake, gotta try and shake off this creeping malaise.

If I don't stand my own ground, how can I find my way out of this

maze?

Deaf, dumb, and blind, you just keep on pretending

That everyone's expendable and no-one has a real friend.

And it seems to you the thing to do would be to isolate the winner

And everything's done under the sun,

And you believe at heart, everyone's a killer."

from ":)ogs" by Pink Floyd

[toomanytears]

My mantra is: I mourn what I hoped it would be but I don't miss what it was.

That grounded me so much. Beautiful.

me too   

[Mutt]

Life was normal for a week after my ex left. Then I felt like I was flat on my back. The first 2 months were really hard. I was reading a lot of quotes on the internet and found out about BPD 3 months post break-up. I came across a quote about being single and loneliness by the late Robin Williams. It really nailed it for me.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone. - Robin Williams

I felt more alone in the r/s.

[amigo]

I like that song about "one less problem without you" very much as well.

When you pay attention to the rap portion she actually says (I paraphrase here) " why do I like the thought of you more than your presence? "

That really hit home for me. I crave (my fantasy version of) him, but being in his presence was rarely pleasant, especially in the end.

[topknot]

"So you have won, and you have conquered,  and you have killed a friend in me... .how does it feel? You just won your saddest victory"... .Saddest Victory, words & music by Sandy Stewart.

[Tausk]

The Disorder always wins.

My roots of my pain have nothing to do with the my ex and her Disorder.

Lean into the pain.

[toomanytears]

For the first few weeks I had to remind myself of how bad it had been. That it wasn't just me imagining. I had this quote from walking on eggshells like a mantra:

(it describes what you through as a "non"

"You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;

You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;

Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;

You are accused of things you never did or said?

You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;

You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;

You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to."

It describes my 20 year rs to a T and when you sum it up like that - it's not something that you can go back to, is it?

Spot on. Thank for posting - great reminder from WOES (hey is the acronym for that amazing book deliberate?)

[thereishope]

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone. - Robin Williams

I felt more alone in the r/s.

Ditto... .

[pari]

To be honest, my mantra was - "F*** You (his name)!" Everytime I would think of him, these words would come to my mind. 

And yeah, song by Pink - 'So What' really helped me during that time. I would sing that all day and it did make me feel good. 

[Pingo]

The Disorder always wins.

My roots of my pain have nothing to do with the my ex and her Disorder.

Lean into the pain.

This is what I believe as well and am working on so hard to heal so that I never enter into another dysfunctional r/s again!