"Am I just imagining things?" I wonder this sometimes with my uBPDw since she is very high-functioning and generally a well-respected person. Maybe (as she frequently suggests) the problem lies as much or more with me as with her, and if only I would change then we would be like this: .
Do any of you experience doubts like this? I know this may sound ridiculous for many of you given what you suffer.
As I was lamenting the other day how my needs don't matter, I thought "if I were to even try to share a struggle of mine with her it would only trigger her contempt of me." Ahh, but how can I know if I don't even try? So I decided I would try.
Background: I have a problem with following through on things. My wife has difficulty making requests. So frequently we have conflict where I hear "you should have known to do [something] and you didn't do it." "If you really cared about this, if you really cared about me, you would have done this, etc." I choose this example because I really do have a significant part in the conflict, so it's one where I am prone to take all of the blame.
Conversation summary:
- I told her, with reference to a specific example, that it would help me if she would share her desire with me directly and let me respond rather than jumping right to criticizing me. "If you remind me something is important to you, I'll really try to help." etc.
- She responded immediately about how she was raised to value responsibility and questioned whether I valued it also.
- She discussed how her aunt who lives with us will rarely ask for what she needs and how hurt she feels when we/I don't meet those needs. Ironically, she recognized here that it would be helpful if her aunt would just communicate better with us.
- She described ways in which I'm irresponsible with our finances, with my work, with our kids, and with her. Her tone in this had an edge of contempt to it, but she was pretty controlled and not highly aroused.
- I tried throughout to validate her as she spoke. I pointed out that I was hearing her say I was a failure as a father, as a husband, in my work, and as a financial manager, but that I really just wanted to talk about our communication process when she has a specific desire. I smiled and reminded her how I often experience her turning things around on me when I make a request or share a need, focusing on my character rather than the specific topic. [Note: she's expressed a sincere desire to be more aware of how she affects me.]
The conversation went on for awhile in a sort of cyclical fashion. She admitted a couple of times that she saw what she was doing (attacking my character), and then would be back doing it again literally within a few seconds. Toward the end, she'd see me smile and say "Am I doing it again?" or "I'm doing it again, aren't I?".
So, I concluded that I am not just imagining things. At the same time, I was left hopeful that with time and help (from her T) she might be able to improve.
