She's been lying to me

[Parents! Get help here!]

I always maintan that we jave a good relationship.  Such as it if you can with a BPD.  Why does she insist that I know everything?  I mean everything.  Last night she occassionally smokes pop to help her sleep.

Now I knows she's been lying all along about it.  But why does have to tell me.  Always in person specially to me face.  Like she looking for a reaction. When I do react she acts like its nothing.

She wonders why her father and brother want nothing to do with her. Not that I condone them.  I just understood.

All I can do is say not acceptable.

PyneappleDays

[PyneappleDays]

I always maintan that we jave a good relationship.  Such as it if you can with a BPD.  Why does she insist that I know everything?  I mean everything.  Last night she occassionally smokes pop to help her sleep.

Now I knows she's been lying all along about it.  But why does have to tell me.  Always in person specially to me face.  Like she looking for a reaction. When I do react she acts like its nothing.

She wonders why her father and brother want nothing to do with her. Not that I condone them.  I just understood.

All I can do is say not acceptable.

PyneappleDays

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

My DD18 used to do that to me alot.  Casually mentioning things that she had done that she clearly knew I would not have approved of.  I am not sure if it was to get a rise out of me or see my reaction but I mostly did not react.  One time she chose to tell me about a night she was out with her friends when she was 15 and got so drunk she could hardly stand and she thought she was going to throw up and pass out.  I calmly answered with, "well I guess that didn't feel so good", and changed the subject.  She doesn't do this anymore but I will not engage in conversations like this.

Maybe your DD is just trying to see your reaction.  I imagine if there is none it won't be worth the effort.

Griz

[jellibeans]

I am with griz... . my dd16 does the same thing... . I think she want to get a reaction from me... . and maybe at times it just feels good to get something off her chest... . I think pwBPD have a great deal of shame they carry around with them... . tell you about it might help with that part. I try not to react and not get upset but if it is something I don't approve of I make sure she knows that that is not acceptable.

[PyneappleDays]

The worst part is I know the answer it still doesn't stop me from reacting.  My husband always tells me that she's an adult under the law and she has chosen to live under our roof.

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

It just feels wrong to go on enjoying my life when I know she's suffering.

Reading the books on this thing doesn't help if you don't absorb it.

Thanks for listening.

[griz]

PyneappleDays:  It is so hard not to react.  I struggle with seperating my emotions from DD18's issues.  Sometimes although I am not reacting I am actually crying on the inside. Enjoying ourselves while they are suffering?  I haven't quite found a way to do that either.  I have gotten a little better at not letting it paralyze me but enjoy? I don't think I even know what that is anymore.

Sending you love   

Griz

[lovesjazz]

I agree. Very difficult to enjoy much... . just going through the motions. I remember a a quote that I find to be so true... . a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. That hit home for me.

[griz]

lovesjazz:  I have heard that quote also... . how very true

Griz

[twojaybirds]

PyneappleDays it is interesting that many of us post about how our kiddos always alter reality (aka lying to the layman)

and here is your dd telling you the truth that you don't want to her.

My dd does not do this too often but I will state something simple in return then change the subject.

I read my dd fb page only to remind me that I really don't know what is true or not. 

Yesterday at

3:15 she had posted she was going out to BBQ and then to a club dancing,

3:30 I texted her about the insurance money she owed me

3:32 she called me (surprise she never returns a text with a call) to say she was in her car on the highway and 45 minutes outside of our city on her way to visit her dying grandmother)

I did not respond to the fact she was reading texts and talking while driving because  I don't think she was.  I told her to be .

safe.

[lovesjazz]

Twojay,

My BPDs contradicts himself all the time... . while we are talking to him on the phone. I dont know why this upsets me so much. Do they realize what they are saying?

[MammaMia]

lovesjazz

The contradiction is a product of their ever changing moods.  To them what is true one minute may not be the next.  I agree, it is frustrating.  Somewhere in the confusion is a grain of truth.

[twojaybirds]

I align these contradictions or altering of reality to a chamelon changing colors.

They don't think about changing colors but do for physical protection

Our pwBPD change stories for emotional protection.  I believe it is an innate response for this protection. It is not done to be hurtfu  nor spiteful nor revengeful, but as part of their disorder and the need to emotionaly regulate.

I read her fb to remind me not to get upset or worried because I actually have no real indiction of what is or is not true.

I know whatever it is, it will all pass. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

My son tells me things supposedly about 'other people' doing stuff he knows I won't approve of, but most of the time, he's actually telling me about himself. I find it sad that he can't even admit what he's doing when it's patently obvious to us. But I also think it's a characteristic of BPD to present an alternate reality so that he can live with the pain inside him so I don't challenge him on the truth. I just listen, try not act shocked. Sometimes I wonder if its his way of getting some advice for a 'friend' or if he just wants to run the idea by me to see whether I'd still love someone who did that.

It's very sad actually.

[PyneappleDays]

Wow I got to remember to revisit my postings.  I did not see all the replies.  I was reading on the reality perception thing in a book on BPD.  I'm trying to get through "Stop walking on Eggshells".  It'd hard to get through because I go from disbelief to angry to scare.  So I break it up between other books.

It's so true I couldn't believe what I was reading.  Sometimes I need a reality check myself.  She kept telling me she did not do drugs because of health reason.  Like I'm her mother and would not know about any health issues.  I need to stop giving into her reality of what she wants me to precise.

Generally when she talks like this "Mom I want you know" means she's about to. She ta=tells me all kinds of stuff.  Then I know what she's up to.

I guess that would go under I can decode her.  Which is scary because I know and cannot unknown or stop it?  I can only hope she comes out on the end.  Which make me feel useless?  Which interns makes me mad that she told me in the first place.

Otherwise known as Mother Hell.