Really sad today

[PyneappleDays]

Ok maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way and it’s just me.  I’ve been on this site for a year so I’ve documented many things on it.  My daughter dBPD is 19 going on 20 pregnant on social assistance constantly changing schools (she needs a fresh start and living too far away from the current school).

Now she’s living with her brother’s mother.  She says it’s because she has laryngitis and she doesn’t want the new born in her current residence to catch it.  She’s always getting sick.  She’s always playing the sympathy card.  People keep buying it. “Oh, I just feel so sorry for her situation”.  What situation?  The one she put herself in?  I think if people would stop enabling her she would have to seek the help she needs.  They are not doing her a favour and certainly not looking at the new born who’s going to possibly be taken care of.  I still think t’s going to be taken away.

I also think this woman has an ulterior motive.  She use to spy on me and daughter and tell my ex what we were doing.  I won’t put it across that her father set it up to take care of his guilt.  Why can’t he just tell the truth?

I know this sounds paranoid but I know what my life was like before when daughter was young.  He said he was out of the country when really he would have people follow me around then phone me and tells me that I was out with so and so while I was on a date.  We had a mutual friend and they told me that I looked tired so they volunteered to watch her while I got rest.  Meanwhile they took her to her fathers.  So I’m not nuts.  I just don’t trust her.

Holidays always make me sad.  I always thought we’d be close and spend time together with the family. I always say come over spend some down time.  No it always have attachments I always get “I have to spend time with the bf family”, “I’m tired” or “if you buy me something or take me somewhere”.  Instead I get a phone call after the fact.  She phones and says “You sound like me can you phone and ask for more prescription to be sent to the pharmacy. Pick it up pay for it and bring it to me.”  Really?  Thanks, but no.  I’m not your bank or your gopher.  Why can’t she ask these people who are supposedly there for her.

So sad, guilty and robbed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I'm trying to understand the situation better:

Is the woman your dd is living with her step-mother, or an ex step-mother?

Are they the ones who are enabling her and therefore she spends more time with them?

[PyneappleDays]

Her brother's mother, my ex-husband's first wife.  I use the word enabling because they (this women and her so called friends) come in save the day when they should stay out.  They do it to make themselves feel better out of guilt and pitty.  My daughter should stay in school, stay in one place, and get a job.  They enable her by saying they understand her situation “she’s had a hard life they understand why she's so sad, why she moves and needs a fresh start".  If people would stop interfering she would learn that she has to follow through, build her own home, stop getting free money, get up instead of staying in bed all day.  If they stop handing things out to her she would have just came home 2 years ago.  No, she's learning that she can just give them a sob story and she can get what she wants.

What she doesn't understand is why people get tired of her kick er out which is why I keep saying she needs her own place.

Especially this woman, daughter tells her everything then wonders why her father knows her every move and wants nothing to do with her.

[jellibeans]

Dear PyneappleDays

I am sorry things are such a struggle for your dd. How is her pregnacy going? Have you seen any improvements? Do you think your dd might be scared right now and that is why she is extra needy? My dd when stressed has all kind of made up illnesses... . or maybe the stress causes the illness. It is the last week of school here and she is barely making it to school but I do think she will pass and hopeful not fail anything. I am thinking you really need to stand back and look at your dd and all the things she is going through... . how much of it is the BPD? how much of it is laziness? I really can't tell with my dd anymore. She needs to find a job for the summer but I think she is afraid since she was fired from her last and first job ever... . to my older daughter she thinks my dd is lazy... . I think that is an easy conclusion to come to BUT I also think that she has some anxiety over getting ajob... . the fear of failure... . 

Can it be pyneappledays that you are jumping to conclusions? Can you find ways to support your dd with enabling her? Can you rpovide her with the opportunities to succeed? That can go a long way to building self esteem.

[PyneappleDays]

I'm sorry it takes me so long to respond.  There's so much to do and there's only me.  House, relationship and DD.  Trying to juggle is sometimes monumental.

1st off I always jump to conclusions.  Guilty.  I know it.  It's just that you know the way things are going and how it's going to end.  99.9 % of the time I'm right.  It's not a fun statistic it's nothing to be proud of.  Standing back and watching a train wreck isn’t fun.

As for daughter.  I'm absolutely sure she's scared, but if you ask her?  You get “no, no I'm fine”. Trying to sit down with her discussing things she wants no part of. Her pregnancy seems to be healthy that I know of.  I felt a toe on Friday and I thought to myself "Good, kick your mothers ribs, she did the same to me when she was in there."

She keeps telling me she's fine were she is but looking for her own place.  She keeps changing her mind.  First she's looking at a place in my home town and now she says that she found a place for $650 all utilities/cable and internet.  Really because if that's the case I'm selling my house and taking it.  Then she turned around and asked if she could move home as a renter.  She said she wanted to pay $600 everything and food included but she wanted her bf to live there too.  Also she did not want to deal with my husband.  Well it’s a small house there would be rules like no your bf isn’t sleeping over and I’m not a babysitter you’d have to have insurance and sign an agreement.  

Then I thought that would open a can of worms I couldn’t handle.   What kind of a parent was I if my first reaction is NO!

[pessim-optimist]

What kind of a parent was I if my first reaction is NO!

You would be a parent who knows their own limits and isn't in denial about their child's condition. 

[mom2bpd]

Whatever u do, do not let her boyfriend move in.  I made that mistake with my uBPD and that was one of my biggest mistakes ever. If she moves in it will be enough to handle.  He most likely has his own issues thus the reason they are together. Keep that in mind when she tries to manipulate u into letting him move in.  My uBPD used every trick to convince me he should move in... even told me that he was fine with it being a temporary arrangement until I got to know him. Of course, he was on good behavior until he felt we insulted him by asking him to do something in our house that he didn't want to do.  Thank God this happened or I'm sure they would still be here.  We then saw the truly mentally ill person appear that he also is.

So I wished later that someone had put in these words for me so I wouldn't have made this mistake.  Good luck with this situation and we all know on this board what u are going through.

[PyneappleDays]

Believe me.  I read what's on the board and learn.  I have no intention of allowing either of them to move in.  :)D would have to show me a lot of improvement acceptance of her situation and steps to get help and her bf is not my concern (I’m not the "as long as he makes my daughter happy" type).  I don't see it happening to soon.  I find too many people running to their aid and supporting their current situation. I have too many people in my life whispering in my ear “she needs to come home, just tell her what she needs to hear".

I wish I was that person, but I'm not.  As I said before I grew up in foster care and have CP.  It never occurred to me to just give up.  I've had to fight for what I have.  It's also the reason I fight for her do not allow her to disappear.

PyneappleDays

[scarlet10]

hi

I totally understand my parents have really over involved themselves in my daughters life, they asked her to live with them and totally took over without informing me, then they couldn't cope so she is in care at the mo, but because they feel bad, like we all do they are now on and on at her to return to them, due to guilt worry, good intentions. My relationship with my dad is very distant now. I have lost my support system as I don't really have them now. when my daughter lives with them she is nastier to me, and I feel bad all the time because she is abusing my elderly parents. They don't acknowledge her BPD because they are old fashioned.

Its soo draining when others keep involving themselves, u don't know if your coming or going, u don't know who is telling the truth, as my parents have become very sneaky and only tell me what they think I need to know as they don't want to confuse their situation. I am sorry for your situation, like u I have people who refuse to let my daughter grow up and take some responsibility. Even thou I wonder if she ever will. its like a bad dream. x x stay strong.

[jellibeans]

Dear pyneappledays

I know how hard it is to respond to post sometimes when you are knee deep in trouble. I encourage to find support for yourself some how and find time to take care of you.

I don't think you are a terrible mom for not letting your dd come home. Is there some other support you can give her? Maybe encourage her to apply for help financially? Is there a low income housing in the area they are looking at?  When is the baby due? I hope things work out for you all. Hang in there

[pessim-optimist]

Maybe encourage her to apply for help financially? Is there a low income housing in the area they are looking at?  When is the baby due? I hope things work out for you all. Hang in there

You know, as terrifying as it is, your dd being pregnant etc., she will have access to a whole lot more support with a baby to care for. I guess, that can be looked at as a silver lining... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Daedalus]

Hello, there. The fact that you are sad and wanted to post made me want to reply- just to try to give you some encouragement    I am not sure of all the details of what is causing you to feel sad, but your post does explain specific situations that you dislike regarding your daughter. I realize you are concerned because she is expecting soon, but aside from that, I think it would help you most just to focus more on your own life, and help make your own life more satisfying. Your daughter will be a mother soon, and you will need to find a way to have a relationship with her that does not cause you too much anxiety. I think its best not to spend time worrying over all the little choices she makes that bother you... .She has BPD, I assume, so rather than seeing her as a person who just does everything wrong, maybe try to support her and pay more attention to what she does that is good. If she wants a pity party, let her throw one with other people- you don't have to participate. She is just trying to have her needs met, and with BPD, she isn't going to be able to do that effectively most of the time.  But, she can do much better with therapy, and support from you.    Maybe now is a good time to encourage her to start seeing a therapist, so when baby is born she will have a built-in support, which she will need with a newborn. Just a suggestion, because she should have something in place in anticipation of the intensity of motherhood. If she already gets state assistance, therapy will be covered and probably encouraged.  She is about to have a baby ! She needs as much support as she can get in order to have a good start. Keep it simple with her, just help when you can & try not let yourself worry about the little stuff