How to stop the abuse

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The emotional abuse is horrible.  There is no escape.  There is no safe place.  At any point, she will come and attack me... .at work, at home, in any room.  I am scared to look at my phone or pick it up when not at home.  I am scared to do anything at home for fear she will need me right then and there or have something to say or need something and not doing it will result in being told im horrible and she doesnt love me, and everything else

At same time, she says I do not see that I am the one doing it all.

What is real and what is not I just do not know. 

My mind feels like mush.  I cannot concentrate or anything anymore.  Trying to put together thoughts is hard because I feel in a state of shock.  Surely she cannot be all this crazy and it all be her fault.  She feels that is what I am saying all the time, but I do not feel I am.  Honestly, I do not want to make decisions all the time because I do not want to be wrong and upset her.  I would rather do it her way.  One of us has to be crazy or both of us... .how do i know if I am or not?

[hurthusband]

The emotional abuse is horrible.  There is no escape.  There is no safe place.  At any point, she will come and attack me... .at work, at home, in any room.  I am scared to look at my phone or pick it up when not at home.  I am scared to do anything at home for fear she will need me right then and there or have something to say or need something and not doing it will result in being told im horrible and she doesnt love me, and everything else

At same time, she says I do not see that I am the one doing it all.

What is real and what is not I just do not know. 

My mind feels like mush.  I cannot concentrate or anything anymore.  Trying to put together thoughts is hard because I feel in a state of shock.  Surely she cannot be all this crazy and it all be her fault.  She feels that is what I am saying all the time, but I do not feel I am.  Honestly, I do not want to make decisions all the time because I do not want to be wrong and upset her.  I would rather do it her way.  One of us has to be crazy or both of us... .how do i know if I am or not?

[maxsterling]

Wow Hurthusband  I feel your pain.  I've been in through that before, where to her everything I did was wrong and the cause of her distress, from the way I chewed to the way washed myself in the shower.  Living though that is impossible if it happens day in and day out for weeks. 

Your question is how to stop the abuse.  The easy answer is - you can't.  It's beyond your control.  You are doing nothing to cause this, so no amount of change in your behavior can stop it.  But, you can get yourself away from it.  That could mean turning off your phone or getting out of the house and doing things by yourself.  Your wife won't like it, but she already abuses you 24/7, so how much worse can it get?

As for your mental state - I can completely relate here.  If you are a caring person, the constant criticism and abuse creates so much internal chaos because we cannot fathom a person who would act like that without some justified reason.  That's what I dealt with for so long (and still struggle with) - she has a right to annoyances against me just as I do her, so I would naturally listen to them and try and correct them.  It's not until I realized just how petty her complaints were, how unsolvable they really were, the double standard behind them, and the abusive way she brought them up to me that I started to quit listening to them.  I still have a long way to go in this area, but I at least don't feel the confusion anymore.

Are there specific incidents that you would like to bring up here?  Sometimes it helps to type them out and get some feedback - helps you see how there is nothing you are doing to cause this.

[Samuel S.]

Your emotional pain is enormous. Your emotional abuse is enormous. Like what Maxsterling said, you could do everything 100% her way, and she will make every attempt to find something else wrong. It is a vicious circle. Hurthusband, I empathize with you 100%! This kind of labeling and damaging is vicious and harmful for your soul.

My BPDw was going through some very painful stuff when I met her, but I helped her to realize that I could validate her, love her, and let her do those things which could help her feel better. Now that it is 13 years later after she and I have gone through traditional and non-traditional therapies, she feels superior while making snide comments to make me feel inferior. Bottom line, she has gone from feeling very inferior to very superior, thinking "she is on the top of the world", that she is better than anyone else, including all of her friends, all of her family, and me.

So, the same pain and the same abuse you are experiencing really get to me as well. I try to not let her get me down by doing things outside this hell hole. Doing things professionally and doing things for myself have been helpful, but they do not completely take away the pain and the abuse when I return here.

All I can say is that your BPD and all of our BPDs have a common goal, that of being to degrade others due to feeling inferior. You, other nonBPDs, and I have the right to feel and to be equals. If our BPDs cannot handle that, we can either try to impliment what we read on this website to cope and to tolerate and to possibly help change our methods of reacting to them or to get out. I am tending to want to get out, but finding the right way is the tough part.

[hurthusband]

Max has a good point and so does Sam

She used to feel very inferior and now she is totally acting superior to everyone.  EVERYTHING that happens now is my fault and wrong.  I get flowers, not good enough.  I get her presents, not good enough while she does NOTHING for me.  I make 6 figures... not enough while she works part time if she does work.  I touch her, she says do not touch her while then complaining later that I do not touch her.  She wants to talk to me constantly at work, but when she is at work i cannot call

She wants to go hang out with friends and me do whatever, but when she gets home I have to drop whatever im into and make it all about her.  I do not even know what some of her complaints are!  She just says she is miserable with me, but cannot explain why but that I will not change.

CHANGE?  my whole life revolves around her now.  I started working 60 hour weeks cause she wouldnt work to pay for crap.  More I make, more she needs and spends.  She wants me to work less, I cut back to 47 hours but she still wants MORE money but me to WORK less and says I should demand that. 

She didnt like my friends or family, cut them out of my life cept my mother.  She wants me to bail her out of DWIs and everything else, but then get mad when I could not get her out of ALL the penalties.  She is complaining cause SHE has to use a breathlizer on her nice late model Lexus because she got a DWI.  nevermind I drive a 12 year old truck i hate, or that I had to pay an arm and leg to get her out of it.  She complains teh house is a mess. SHE IS THE ONE WHO MADE THE MESS.  I am the one who does the dishes and picks up and provides food.  The mess is her!

I cannot be this insane.  When I say i love her I mean it. When i am hurt and cry I mean it.  She says its all fake... am i insane and subconsciously its not?  Is is my fault she got a DWI, or she burned bridges with everyone, or she got an art degree and its hard to find a job, or she broke into a house and vandalized it, or she lost our engagement ring, or we low on money cause we spend $1800 a month on her therapy  and basically 70% of all income goes to her needs before kids and myself.  Not my fault her mother is mean and nasty to her and that she has cancer. 

But it seems to all come back to me.  Then suddenly for 24 hours... I am golden husband and I fall into a sense that things will work out.  I am a fool or I am crazy.  Honestly, the physical abuse that used to happen was better than the emotional abuse now.  She says she changed in therapy and she hates it.  It is not her and she mad at me over it.  All I asked was she did not abuse me!  is that too much to ask?

What more can I change?  I have no life.  I do not do ANYTHING for myself outside the work hours.  NO gym, no movies, no hobbies, video games, friends, family, NOTHING

[wishfulthinking]

Before I knew about BPD, I just remember being baffled by the decision making process.  If I made a decision without him, it was the wrong one, didn't matter what process or what happened that made me decide what I did.  I was wrong.  If in the end, I ended up being right for making the decision, I was still in trouble for not asking him what to do and what decision to make in the first place.  Even if I tried to get ahold of him and time was of the essence.  I got chewed out over and over for this.  I finally quit making decisions.  Then, he got mad because he had to make all the decisions and couldn't handle all the stress.  I couldn't win for losing.  

Mine has NPD along with BPD, so of course, most of the time, he feels superior.  Feels like he is more intelligent (which he will tell you) and more capable (which he will tell you, but I'm the one who fixed the toilet last night after it being broken for 2 weeks and having to take the top off to flush it all the time, took 3 minutes including opening the package to the new handle.  I'll hear about that soon, I'm sure, but he didn't say anything about it last night.  He was already a bear and I figured it was coming, but he's been on good behavior after our last fight.).

Anyway, I feel your pain.  I live your pain.  It's hard and it sucks to hear your phone vibrate because you dread it's them.  I hate the feeling of dreading going home, to my house of 12 years, where he's lived for just over 1 year.  It's not right.

[joshbjoshb]

I am sorry I didn't read the entire thread.

Just pointing out to you one simple thing she can abuse you, but unless you are letting it abuse you, you will not be abused!

I am reading how you are scared, your head is a mush, and can only feel bad for you. I was in the same exact place. But I left that place.

If she yells and your head hurts - something is not right.

If you are scared of how she will react, something is not right.

She can continue to yell, and react like crazy, and you CAN and SHOULD be able to not take it to heart, and not feel horrible.

Her actions are not the cause of your reaction. It is your own strength that you need to work on.

[moonunit]

i know exactly how you feel and it is a horrible way to live - i am living it right now and have been for past 8-10 yrs, i have had just about enough, i am sick of it and actually sick of her, searching for a way out that won't cost me my job  

[Grey Kitty]

I agree with max about your original question.

You cannot stop the abuse--her behavior is outside your control.

You can remove yourself from it--your own behavior is under your control. (not hers)

I'd recommend turning your phone off, or not answering her, even blocking her when you are out.

That and be ready to leave if she starts abusing you in person.

[Ceruleanblue]

When you are this deep in it, it's hard to believe that others too live this way, but it's true. I've been there, and by reading the posts above, they have too. Your confusion, and stress leaps off the page. It's sad that we get so turned upside down that we start to question everything, even things we know are not true: like continually asking ourselves if we are the problem.

We might play a part, either in being codependent, or in enabling them, or simply by trying too hard, but it doesn't mean we are the real problem. I've developed issues, just by being around uBPDH, and he has made some things I already had way worse, like my anxiety. I had mild, occasional anxiety prior to him, but now, it's far worse, and to the point of panic attacks.

Just keep telling yourself good things, kind things. Get in therapy if you are not. Surround yourself with friends who will build you up. Set boundaries with her, as much as you can. Do nice things for yourself, and come here often. You don't deserve to be treated badly. Love isn't supposed to be a life sentence in misery. That isn't love. That's sickness.

[hurthusband]

I want so badly to be a good husband... I am a horrible person in her eyes. and it will not stop

I do not know what she is saying is real and what is not... but its like she is rabid now.

I do not want to make anymore of the tough decisions.  I just am tired... I want it all to end.  Everything... the guilt...

[hurthusband]

she says i do not listen... i feel i do. i really want to be what she wants and I try and be that.  Just she says I am not.  I do not listen and do not care.  that I get upset at things.  I admit I am not perfect, but am I insane?  she says i do not care or try or listen.

I feel my life revolves around her.  I try so hard... harder at it than anything... what is wrong with me

[MaybeSo]

I want so badly to be a good husband... I am a horrible person in her eyes. and it will not stop

I do not know what she is saying is real and what is not... but its like she is rabid now.

I do not want to make anymore of the tough decisions.  I just am tired... I want it all to end.  Everything... the guilt...

I am so sorry you are feeling this badly…but I think it’s time for a reality check. And a big one.


You do need to get distance from this…the enmeshment is what is keeping you feeling so depressed and in a fog.

Take a couple of deep breaths and get yourself grounded in reality again.

You do not have to be a hero or perfect to be a good husband…you are allowed to make decisions or chose not to, to do well sometimes, to make mistakes other times…and to not be abused. This is normal.  

What you two are doing right now is NOT normal.

You do not have the POWER to be that awful or to be the cause of all her upset and angst.  You are not that special or powerful a person.  Sorry... but you are not.

She has a brain disorder that makes her feel crazy and unhappy. Period.  She would feel the exact same way with anyone…not just you.  You really need to get that.  She would feel and act the SAME way with anyone.  The more you buy into the idea that this is ALL about you…the more the both of you are acting in concert to stay stuck and fuel her disorder.  Stop it.

The part you do that is not healthy…is taking your cues from her and not staying grounded in your own self.  You want to feel like you can rescue her or be her perfect husband... but you can’t.  No one can.  NO ONE.

You are NOT that powerful a person that you have complete responsibility for someone else’s life or happiness…STOP buying into this kind of thinking because it’s coming from her and she engages in disordered thinking.  (you may have your own fantasies fueling this belief too and they hook into her disordered thinking perfectly…you have to give up rescue fantasies!) You cannot take your cues from a mentally ill person without getting sick yourself.  Stop taking your cues from her.  Stop.

Are you seeing your own doc or therapist?  If you aren’t, you should…it’s a way to keep yourself grounded in reality…you are too enmeshed with her right now.  You also sound depressed in which case that needs to be treated right away so you start feeling better.

Surely she cannot be all this crazy and it all be her fault.

Wanna bet?

People CAN and are THAT CRAZY!  Believe it.

As to ‘fault’…don’t even go there.  It’s not about who is at fault. It’s about what is sane and what is not sane.

When we are in a couple unit…we both contribute to the dysfunction when we are enmeshed and not taking care of ourselves.  So yes…you are part of the problem in a big way…and she is sick. Stop thinking in terms of black/white and whose fault it is. Start thinking about getting healthy.

If you take your lead from her…you are going to feel awful and get sick.  Stop it.

   

[hurthusband]

I stopped seeing my therapist.  I went for 20 years, but i could not afford both our therapies.  My doctor pretty much said i need to leave.  its only way...

[MaybeSo]

I would say that getting distance would be healthy…sometimes that means leaving…sometimes leaving is temporary…sometimes it’s permanent.

If leaving is NOT an option…then the hard work of practicing boundaries while IN the relationship is the only way to start getting less enmeshed.

I had to take distance and at times even leave…but so far it hasn’t been permanent…but I have left the relationship for over a year at one point…which was good b/c I really did get grounded in reality again and started to feel better once I went through grieving.  The grieving I did was for a lot of things…not just the relationship.  Because I grieved…I think I am more grounded in my dealings today.

How do you feel about leaving so that you can get more grounded and healthier?

[MaybeSo]

Also…in your therapy for 20 years…did you find it helpful?

I would assume you got some work done on boundaries and enmeshment, grief etc?

This is really the kind of work…that we have to do.

I know it’s hard…but, that's kind of what is required…to get better.  Right?

Even going to CODA meetings …this is where we get support to stay grounded and not stay in our own addictive process.

[qkslvrgirl]

Hurthusband:

I think it's important to know that you have the power within you to stop accepting the emotional abuse your wife dishes out to you.

It is within your control to change the situation and restore balance in your home and life. I did it, and so can you.

The BPD boards and lessons give you tools and guidance on how to get your head above water and dial back the stress level. You already know what you are dealing with (BPD/NPD) in your wife, so now you can decide to change your behavior. This will change the interactions and balance of power between the two of you.

1) The first step is to decide that you have a God-given right to live free from abuse. Right now, you are worn down because you jump through every hoop your wife holds out for you.

2) Learn about setting boundaries and disengaging emotionally to some degree. I like to think of emotional boundaries as thick bulletproof force fields that are lovely inside and protect me from the emotional rocks being thrown at me. The nasty comments and impossible demands just bounce off.

3) Begin to do nice things for yourself. Many nail salons cater also to male clients for pedicures (as well as manicures). Just a small oasis of relaxation can do wonders to lower your stress level.

I will close with this: I learned to let go of feeling responsible for my husband's behavior. I let him ruin his health until he had no choice but to change.

It's called "logical consequences"; and in your wife's case, she needs to stop feeling entitled to being rescued.

You can make positive changes from where you are now. You are an intelligent man and can decide to make a small start. Get out of the cycle of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

Let us hear from you soon.

Quicksilver Girl

[hurthusband]

Definitely talked about boundaries.  I just have a hard time figuring out what is a proper boundary

Saturday things went back fine from hours earlier demanding  divorce...

Yesterday was quite pleasant until my horrible neighbors worked her up... that is one big problem... my neighbors

anyways i got busy with something and basically selfishly lost track of time finishing 1.5 hours late.  I was surprised to get some time to do what i wanted and i took advantage which caused problems later on.  I feel bad and it was wrong, but now puts me in trouble...

I am not good with boundaries.  My doc went through alot, but I just keep being fearful of being too selfish or just not worth the damage the fight is to set them.  Its my fault there.  At same time you gotta set consequences and I just do not have many weapons outside of divorce left in my toolbelt.  Certainly you do not want to threaten something unless you are sure you are going to do it if the line is crossed.

Btw... my neighbor is another major problem for me.  He is all kinds of messed up

a. convicted murderer who is illegally keeping guns

b. caught him locking his 4 year old in his room and leaving to go work out

c. has a plumbing company (not sure how since he is a felon, but keeps it in his wife's name)... .he has 8 work vehicles that take up all his parking and all my parking so I cannot park around my house.  City Code will do nothing.

d. Cannot park cars in driveway because they do not watch their kid and he is constantly in our driveway and has already done $700 in damage to our cars (bringing him bill today on that)

My wife is obsessed with them running over us... I ignore them, but she is obsessing.  They are horrible neighbors but my wife is turning into Gladys Crabbitz looking out window all day at what all they are doing and in our yard... not sure how to calm her down on that whole thing

[qkslvrgirl]

I love the Gladys Crabbitz reference - you still have your sense of humour!



Sounds to me like you know what boundaries and logical consequences are since you will (rightly) present a bill for car damage to your neighbor.

And you created a boundary (by default) by enjoying some project time. It is your choice how you feel inside. I know this is difficult right now; but becoming aware of the feelings while acknowledging that you have a right to enjoy your time alone will help you become aware of the absurd demand that you need to feel guilty.

Congratulations on your positive steps in a difficult situation.

[hurthusband]

ok am i wrong here

So i got the estimate... the problem is I am in the car business and anytime I do anything with a car she finds fault in it.  I tell her to take it where she wants to because honestly, I do not want to take the fall for something not meeting her expectations and i do not think that anytime ANY damage is repaired it will ever be exactly like it was.  It just will not be...

She goes ballistic saying its not unreasonable for her to want that. I understand that, but I am scared to make the wrong call.  I've gone with who all the dealers use, I have gone with who the public considers the best... its all been wrong so I do not know what to do.  So i said we just take where she wants

Now she saying she needs a utility bill in her name for probation officer TOMMOROW!  I had tried to call 2 weeks ago to get a bill changed to her name but they did not get it done correctly.  It was done for the kids school, but it turned out we did not need it so we settled it.

Now... I just do not know.  I am scared.  I am literally fearful as if somebody was hunting me down

[qkslvrgirl]

What a horrible situation for you!

I am not a psychotherapist; but I believe the correct term for this is a double-bind. You cannot win no matter what you do (or don't do).

Instinctively you are letting go - you left it up to her to take the car wherever she decided would be best. That may be a good time to walk away from the whole thing and actually let her handle it.

Remember the FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. My husband knew just what to say and in what tone of voice to induce those feelings in me. He played me like an instrument... .until I "let go" and simply didn't do what he expected.

At first I had to determine to not make excuses or apologize. It was difficult to quell my emotions; but each time I stood my ground, I felt more self-confident, and he seemed to realize that I was not dancing to his insane demands anymore.

Boundaries can provide stability for both parties. If you have the more stable parental role at this time, then "no means no" can be effective and calming. It can be said by your actions as well as your voice.

You've made a start. Keep climbing up out of the well of emotional reactions until you can breath again.

[hurthusband]

I am now just starting to get plain angry then sad... then angry

Last night she was just constantly putting me down anytime i said something and even telling her son to stop talking about my birthday cause he was trying to be nice to me and she just didnt want anything pleasant for me.  She finally went to bed and told me that i am not nice and that i do not care about her and she will not always stay around through this... .

I do not care?

Day before I took her car to get a second damage appraisel from neighbors kid hitting it which isnt a big deal cept she tells me when i can use the car and I am the one with a full time job its hard.  She is the one pressing to deal with neighbor in a hard way and so I have to go handle it while she cowers in house.  Very uncomfortable.  Yesterday, she once again waits til last minute to handle something major.  In June it was testimony against a doctor who was under board review for how he treated her.  She waited until day of to prepare her statement then was angry with me.

2 weeks ago she waited until day before to start complaining about her attorney and things that needed to be done for court THE NEXT DAY

Yesterday she calls and says she needs all this stuff for her probation officer today so during my work day I have to call and work things out with attorney, get bills changed to her name, get her new insurance cards... . I get home and she is in tub for an hour refusing to talk to me then demands I go get dinner for everyone.  No real thanks for any of it.  She could have talked to HER attorney.  She could have told me earlier or NOT LOST her insurance cards.  I never said anything mean about it.  Then she was nasty to me...

not to mention yesterday she hit me with "o we have to pay another $4k in fines for my DWI" and today "o another $600 on that"... so at $7k so far.  nevermind I have to somehow come up with $6k in a couple of weeks and then "o yea i need $200 for therapy today too".  Bleeding me dry...

[qkslvrgirl]

Excuse me, but I thought you told her to get the car appraisal.

How did you end up picking that up again?

I am now just starting to get plain angry then sad... then angry



That is good you recognize what emotions you feel. I remember that for me it was such a BIG step just to be able to name the emotions! Good for you!

Can you remember a time when you felt blissful peace and happiness?

Can you go to that place just for a few minutes in your thoughts?

Is that what you want to feel most of the time? Or do you like feeling agitated and stressed?

BTW, Happy Birthday in advance!

[hurthusband]

Excuse me, but I thought you told her to get the car appraisal.

How did you end up picking that up again?

I am now just starting to get plain angry then sad... then angry



That is good you recognize what emotions you feel. I remember that for me it was such a BIG step just to be able to name the emotions! Good for you!

Can you remember a time when you felt blissful peace and happiness?

Can you go to that place just for a few minutes in your thoughts?

Is that what you want to feel most of the time? Or do you like feeling agitated and stressed?

BTW, Happy Birthday in advance!

No, I rarely feel angry.  Anger feels empowering like I can finally stand up and say no, but I know its a false sense of security with that emotion and one I rarely feel.  Stress is 24/7... I have somewhat learned to live with that.  Fear though, that is a big one now that is hard to deal with.  Panic sets in.  When I have both to a certain point, my mind literally feels like i have left my body and its foggy and cannot think straight.  Very odd and uncomfortable feeling.  I start to feel crazy, but the stress goes down a slight bit.

my birthday is usually a day that I have to do something for kids and wife.  Some of worst moments of my life have been on my birthday.

I have had dogs die on my birthday, I had first day of school one year on my bday then same day my mom was in car accident and ended up in hospital... .with my wife its really been bad.  I found out she cheating on me one bday.  Another bday, she dissappeared and couldnt go to my own bday party cause I had to find her worried.  Usually its just pleasing kids and wife.  Right now, money has gotten so tight, that I do not want to do anything for my bday.  It is more important to get that stress out of my life than do anything I might want to and then have the stress exacerbated.

It also means seeing my mother, and wife is VERY uncomfortable around my family.  It has gone bad in past so usually holidays and my own birthday are days I dread.  Kids will not remember anyways.  They get a pass though.  14 and 12... they are at that age.

Plus going to be 36, so honestly, I am tired of getting older.  Gray hairs popping up, realizing that I spent all these years trying to build a family and career.  I do not have a family really, and its stunted my career trying to raise it.  Feels like I have wasted my life to this point.  Maybe that is partly why i hold onto marriage.  I hate to think I have wasted all that time and energy, but sometimes you gotta cut your losses and admit a defeat and move on rather than chasing good effort towards bad

[Heartandsole]

OK Hurthusband.  You are really hurting bro, I can tell.  I am going to tell you right now that I have read your thread and I can really relate on so many levels and I want you to know you are not alone.  I'm 37 years old and I have been through some really crazy stuff with my uBPDw and I have felt just like you.  I have no kids, but I have had to help my wife through some MAJOR stuff like Cancer/Chemotherapy (that started in the first month of our 10yr marriage) and shoulder surgery, and debilitating arthritis and going through menopause at 26yrs old (reason for no kids).  Like you I make a decent living that could provide for a decent life if my wife would act half way normal.  Instead, you give give give because you are a nice guy, and it's just like pouring all your money and love and energy willingly into a black hole. 

On top of that, unwillingly most of your self esteem and self worth gets sucked out of you and into said black hole, and the rest of your self-respect you have handed over to her trying to buy peace and love and acceptance in your marriage.  Your marriage is obviously very important to you and that is admirable.  You want to be a good father and provide... .that is solid gold.  You are a good guy!  Say that out loud to yourself right now!  Believe it.  This truth is inside of you and you have forgotten it.  Your pilot light is still burning inside you, you can't see it through the fog, but it is ready to re-ignite your passion and the ANGER that you feel right now is proof... .You know you are worth more than the way you are being treated.  YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU ARE BEING TREATED!  You deserve to be treated with the respect that you have earned by doing all the good you have done for your family.

Use your anger to fight for yourself, not against anyone else.  Don't let the anger turn into hate, use it to remind yourself to love yourself!  Anger is OK, don't repress it, it is the beginning of your transformation.

Listen, I am not some kind of BPD guru, but I can tell you I have scratched and clawed my way back across the event horizon of the BPD black hole in the last 4 months by moving out of my house and stopping ALL live interactions with my wife outside of therapy and that has give me some perspective.  Since then I've decided not to orbit this black hole  distance any longer but if I had a kid, it would be even more complicated so I don't envy you.  I am not here to talk about me or tell you what you should do, but know that as I type this to you now, I wish I was talking to myself months or years ago... .

What you are doing is not sustainable.  You are living in a constant state of "Fight or Flight response"  your cortisol levels are probably through the roof.  You probably are not getting nearly enough sleep, you are worried about everything, it feels like life is WAAAAY harder that it ought to be, you are thinking you are crazy, is life conspiring against me?  You are having a hard time making any kind of decision, like what brand of cereal to pick out- at the same time you are weighed down by the responsibility of being the head of the household.

Your wife is driving you nuts, she is constantly criticizing you and devaluing you and she has brainwashed you somehow to believe that you are THE (her) problem and that you are not good enough, or smart enough, don't love her the right way and that you would fall apart without her. 

You have fallen apart because of her.  A course correction of some sort is needed and you know it, you just don't know what to do because everything is hard, and you feel weak and powerless and impotent to stand up to her or just for yourself in all kinds of areas of life.  You have been beaten down with verbal and emotional abuse. Period.  I have been there man! 

I know what it is like to try and make it to the end of the day and then not want to go to sleep event though you are dog tired, because you know you'll wake up early- worried and you'll have a whole new day to conquer.

Let me sum up a few thousand dollars of counseling for free:  This is not about you.


Again, I'm just another dude that just figured out 3 months ago I've been failing at dealing with BPD for the last 15 years.  I personally am not out of the FOG or the woods (haven't even filed for divorce yet) by any measure, but I have been where you are pretty darn recently and I was desperate, I was really out of gas, worn so, so thin and just plain beat up and burnt out.  I wanted someone, ANYONE just to tell me what to do.  Nobody would and I thank them now, I had to walk my own path and make my own decisions, but I had some help.  Below is my top 10 that helped me and I share it with you in case something will resonate with you:

1. Made a boundary and stood by it at any cost (mine happened to be I'm no longer talking to you and I had to leave my house to enforce)... .this gave me some peace and quiet but also felt like I had some control which felt SO GOOD while took a lot of power away from her.

2. Exercise more and sleep more

3. Backed off on alcohol that I was using to numb out from my pain

4. Lean into friends AND THERAPISTS

5. Read and studied BPD like crazy to make sense of the mess I find myself in

6. Posted and read on this forum

7. Read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Boundaries"

8. Took control of the finances to stop the bleeding

9. Got on an antidepressant

10. Realized I was co-dependent and that I could no longer take care of myself while trying to take care of her so I was doing both of us a disservice.

You are going to get through this.  It is not going to be easy.  Be kind to yourself and start building yourself up from the inside, use that anger to burn off some FOG and know for sure you are a good man and worthy of respect.

[willtimeheal]

You need to go get therapy for yourself. My ex BPD had me in a constant state of distress. Nothing was ever good enough and she slowly stripped myself esteem. I didn't know if I was coming or going. The best thing I ever did was get therapy. I learned how to set boundaries, not engage in the argument, and walk away before she unraveled.

It was exhausting being in that constant state of distress and constantly being on her beck and call.  You can't change her but you can change yourself , empower yourself. You can seek out help.  

For a long long time I thought I was crazy... .I wasn't crazy and neither are you.

[hurthusband]

Thanks for words in past two posts.  They were truthful.  Therapist talked to me about boundaries etc... and I keep making a plan before I deal with her but its like the old Mike Tyson saying

"Everyone has a plan... .until they get punched in the mouth"

That is sort of what happens.  I go in with a plan then i walk into tag team of tidal waves from every direction.  I have no way of expecting what she is going to say or do because honestly, its not even rational alot of the times so I cannot analyze it rationally before in.  So I have my legs taken out from under me within 1 minute and have her on top of me barraging me.  The only difference now is that I know when I walk in or hear my phone ring, my adrenaline shoots up and I expect to be in trouble for something.  On other hand, that makes me hyper sensitive to when she is just trying to be nice which turns things bad (rarely is that the case though that she is trying to be nice).

I took off work tommorow for my bday and I am supposed to have dinner at my mothers tonight.  Wife already said she is not going to my mothers.  I am dreading the next two days.  The safe thing to do will be to sleep away the next two days, but then I kick myself for having a rare 2 days off and not doing anything to enjoy myself AND on my birthday

The problem is me... .She is messed up seriously, but I have some issues and my OCD is really making things worse I think.  Medication, 30 years of therapy with about 5 different doctors... it hasnt changed me to be able to deal with this... .my phone judged said a text message... my stomach turned... it could be her.  I am scared now

[Heartandsole]

Hurthusband,

It is good that you recognize that you have some issues, but don't own all the things your wife is telling you that are your problems. 

When she says something bad to you, she is projecting and actually talking about herself.

That jumpy feeling and feeling like you are being hunted sounds like PTSD to me or maybe more appropriately a new term that I just coined an have equally no qualifications to diagnose over the internet: CTSD  Current Traumatic Stress Disorder! 

It sounds like you have PTSD but while you are still in the battlefield.  You are hunkered down in a foxhole and don't know when to stick your head up.

Could you do something special for yourself for your Birthday this year?  Not with anyone else.  How about a yoga class, then a massage and a movie.  Tell your wife what feel like doing and then do it.  It is your birthday and whatever you feel like doing should be good enough for everyone. PERIOD.  It is not selfish.

Being stressed out like you are over a long time literally burns you out.  The stress hormones are really super powerful and are not supposed to be present all the time.  They are supposed to get you out of a sticky situation.  The situation that you are in is akin to taking at Top fuel Drag racer on a cross country trip.  That adrenaline spike you feel when your phone rang and the cortisol spike is a response to a threat... .biologically it's there to make you run away from a bear that is chasing you... .except you are getting that response many times a day, sometimes without having a chance to recover from the last episode. 

I was there. I got adrenal fatigue, I got depressed and it took a long time to recover.

If you have ever experimented with meditation, I'd say that would be a good thing to try now.  Download some guided meditations from Itunes.  One thing that I think really helped me with adrenal fatigue was SAM-E which you can get a health food store.  Get a really good brand. I used SAM-E 400 and it was the top of the line stuff and each pill was in a foil pack and they have an enteric (sp?) coating to protect it from your stomach acid. You are supposed to take it on an empty stomach.  Use to take it early in the morning when I woke up worried and stressed and I couldn't sleep.  I'd take it an actually feel it start to work as I lie there.  I have a really good health store in my town and I went in there telling them I am depressed and the knowledgeable lady told me her story:

She said "I was going through a divorce and I couldn't stop crying, could barely come in here and work, and had to leave sometimes.  The manager here, gave me this SAM-E 400 and in 4 days I had a grip on myself.  I want you to try it, and if you don't like it, I'll refund your money."  It isn't cheap, but I have purchased many boxes since. 

The other thing that I researched and I was blown away with after adrenal fatigue was getting some iodine.  Look up Lugol's solution if your are inclined.  I started taking that and the first day I felt like my head was so much more clear.  It was no joke.

I want you to have a HAPPY Birthday this year Hurthusband.  Get out and spend some time away from all the hungry hippos that are around you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some treat, whatever that is for you. 

Whoever is telling you that you SHOULD do this or SHOULD do that, tell them to stop SHOULDING all over your birthday.  Possibly the best thing that you could do for yourself is to use your birthday this year as a reason to stand up for yourself.  Make and defend a boundary for one day.  Maybe it will be a trend for your 37th lap around the Sun!

How does this boundary sound? I will not allow others to dictate what I want to do on MY birthday.

You are a giving person. Do not feel selfish taking this day for you!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[MaybeSo]

How about starting with three simple boundaries.

1- do not answer the phone

2- say "no"  (eg., HER: will you call the attorney and fifty other things for me? YOU: no, I have a busy day so I will leave this in your capable hands. love you, see you later. bye bye.)

3- take space

AND... .breath.  it's okay to feel scared. 'scared' is a feeling state, its a bodily sensation that we all live with... .it will never go away completely if you live on this earth... .so when the feeling of 'scared' visits... .try just noticing it, naming it, and breathing normally. stop telling yourself a story about the feeling... .that will increase its intensity and duration... .just notice it and breath normally.  no feeling state lasts forever... .it will pass... .if you are not supporting it by engaging in a story about it in your head... it will move through your body faster.  when you support it with a story (the content of whatever drama is playing out in the moment)... .it lingers longer.

[hurthusband]

How about starting with three simple boundaries.

1- do not answer the phone

2- say "no"  (eg., HER: will you call the attorney and fifty other things for me? YOU: no, I have a busy day so I will leave this in your capable hands. love you, see you later. bye bye.)

3- take space

AND... .breath.  it's okay to feel scared. 'scared' is a feeling state, its a bodily sensation that we all live with... .it will never go away completely if you live on this earth... .so when the feeling of 'scared' visits... .try just noticing it, naming it, and breathing normally. stop telling yourself a story about the feeling... .that will increase its intensity and duration... .just notice it and breath normally.  no feeling state lasts forever... .it will pass... .if you are not supporting it by engaging in a story about it in your head... it will move through your body faster.  when you support it with a story (the content of whatever drama is playing out in the moment)... .it lingers longer.

could you expand on what you are saying about "telling a story on the feeling".  Not for sure i completely understand correctly.

I really hope I do not have PTSD... that is aweful.  Being that I have OCD, it is very hard for me to calm myself because my mind is always racing and figuring up sequences or other things.  Always analyzing why something happened in an attempt to magically control it, which I know is impossible, but I cannot help it.  Meds help some, and of course, therapy, but the BPD wife really exacerbates things.  I do try and do some spiritual calming, but I could probably use some more training in that. 

the endorphines are really bad though... my chest does not feel good from it. 

I almost wonder if it is possible for things to work with a BPD with me being OCD because everything is exacerbated...

I mean I put it all on the backburner... it is funny... the one thing that works best on pushing my OCD back is my wife because the overwhelming fear of her overtakes the biological deficiency I have in that it is a fear more than fear of death.  I do not want to make my OCD sound that overwhelming... before I met her I was supremely organized and clean freak. 

My home now is a complete mess and outside of a 2x2 area around my computer, I would have been horrified 12 years ago.  Just about all my routines are gone as far as food eating routines, workout routines, Church, etc... so I have bent into reason for her and family, but some of it has gone too far

[MaybeSo]

could you expand on what you are saying about "telling a story on the feeling".  Not for sure i completely understand correctly.

Sure. Here is a good example.

I really hope I do not have PTSD... that is aweful.

You feel a sensation of fear/anxiety.  Your mind has been allowed to habitually and immediately tell you a story about it... .this story right now is about having PTSD (scary)... and how if you do have PTSD, it would be awful (even more scary).

So, our minds tend to make what is a physical sensation that ALL sensitive people on the earth will have on and off throughout life (feelings of anxiety or fear)... .and we tell ourselves a dreadful, scary story about it.

When working with uncomfortable feelings... .one of the techniques that is used... .is to just notice the physical sensation you are experiencing, but not assigning a story to it.  :)on't even go into a story or an explanation at all... .and just stay with what is... .and what any 'feeling' is at it's most basic level... is just that... .a feeling... .a tightness in the chest, a flutter in the stomach... .nausea... whatever it is... .it is just a feeling sensation.  We know for a fact no feeling state will last forever.  We know for a  fact that there is NO way to NOT ever have some uncomfortable feeling states.  It's part of being alive.  So... .instead of focusing on the story that supports the discomfort... .one huge step is to just notice the feeling,  breath normally, and let it move through you.  Like a leaf moving down a river.  It's coming, it's here, it's now floating away... now it's gone.  :)one.  You do NOT need a story. Just let it be.

By the way. I have had some PTSD when I was at the worst place with my partner, and I am fine now.  This is another way we scare ourselves... .scary thoughts, scary labels, scary stories... .scary.  

Most people have some kind of trauma at some time in their life.  

We are wired to be resilient and move through trauma.  

We get stuck when we use our big brains to try to stop feeling anything we don't like to feel.  We get stuck when we tell ourselves that some feeling state is too much for us, too awful, too scary.  

No need to tell yourself it's awful if you have PTSD.   Stop it.  Stop fighting and rejecting your own experience. It's okay.  Life is a mixed bag of good and bad and always will be.  We feel good, we feel yucky... .we feel scared, we feel relieved.  This is part of being a human being, Give yourself permission to be a human being.   It's okay.  It will be okay.