Shame on me

[tristesse]

So things have been really pretty ok at my house for almost 3 weeks now, no big rages or drama. I am so thankful for that, and I was beginning to let my guard down and get comfortable, until last night.

I am to blame for her hurt feelings, and I am so angry at myself right now.

last evening my BPDd had an unpack your back pack event at the school with her son, he is 5 and beginning kindergarten next week. While she was gone, I came in from work and decided to have dinner out, so dh myself and sons gf All leave for dinner. BPDd was at school with her son and her ex, they had been together all afternoon, so I hadn't given it a second thought. While we were at dinner my cell rings and it is dd wanting to know where everyone is at. I told her we were at dinner, and she became upset, she was hurt because I hadn't asked her to come along, when I explained that I hadn't thought of it since she had been out all day with ex and son, she said " exactly, you didn't think of me, you never do ". She was just very sad, and her feelings were obviously hurt.

I tried talking to her when I got home, and she just looked lost and hurt, there was no raging or yelling, just plain old hurt feelings.

How could I be so insensitive? I feel like dirt or worse today, I am the one that caused her pain this time, I am the one that got so relaxed, I forgot for a moment that she is sick and requires extra attention. The little things that wouldn't matter to most people, matter most to her.

How do I make her fell better, what can I do to make her understand that I am sorry for hurting her feelings, and how do I make myself remember that just because we are in a good spot at the moment, it doesn't mean she is miraculously cured.

I almost wish she had gotten angry, at least I know how to handle that, but this hurt I see in her eyes is breaking my heart. Not sure how to handle that.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Ooops tristesse.

Don't beat yourself up its hard work thinking of everyone all the time and you are very busy.

All you can do now is listen with empathy and validate the valid.

ie You must have been so upset last night-I would have been upset-It was thoughtless of me.

No justifications like you would do with most people " I was very busy, it was last minute" etc-even though they are true.

Have you got Valerie Porr-there a few examples of dealing with similar situations in the book.

She did well not to rage as it sounds the kind of thing that presses her buttons.

I'm sure it will all blow over soon

[raytamtay3]

I'm so sorry for the guilt and heartbreak you are feeling. Cut yourself some slack though and just use the experience as a learning curve for the future. Don't beat yourself up about it. Maybe you can offer for just your DD and yourself to go out for a bite or some alone time? Trust me I've been there. We beat ourselves up feeling how we contribute to the angst of our lost children. It's ok. It happens. Forgive yourself. 

[tristesse]

Lever and Raytamtay3,

My biggest issue is that I knew better. I am busy, however I am not so busy that I don't have a few extra moments to stop and think.

I made the mistake of assuming she was going to be going to dinner with the ex and her son. The ex and the son did go to dinner, but she was invited to join them, so she had a double whammy.

I wouldn't expect them to include her, and I just should have known better.

I am not really beating myself up, I know I'm human and will forget and will make mistakes. I just feel great sorrow for my dd, It was clear by looking at her that she was hurt, not angry, just sad. That's hard to see, especially when you know you are the cause.

[tristesse]

sorry, I meant to say, she was not invited to join them.

[lever.]

Will she let you do anything to help her feel better?

I can see that you are just frustrated with yourself.

My DD won't accept a hug or anything from me and in this sort of situation I just have to give her a bit of time and space.

[tristesse]

lever,

she never lets me hug her, in fact she doesn't like to be touched at all usually.

yes I am very frustrated with myself, she was doing so well.

I am hopeful that by the time I go home  today she will have had enough time to help recover from her hurt feelings.

Like Sands through the hour glass, so are the days of  our lives.

[jellibeans]

Dear Tristesse

Don't lose sight of all you have done for your dd... .I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. No one can be prefect... .there will be times like this again so try to go forward and begin again... .just like you have done a 1000 times for your dd when she takes a step backwards.

I might try to make her favorite meal or maybe find some time to spend with her just the two of you. That might help mend things. I am sure in the very near future she will ask you for something... .be willing to do it. Or can you think of a way to offer help before she asks?

forgive yourself... .like you forgive your dd