quick advice on boundaries please

[Soccerchic]

Okay so I did something really stupid.  I held expectations for my uBPD husband.  I have been trying to uncodependent myself, so I would stop holding resentments.  I took a risk and asked him to plan a vacation.  He was game and surprised me and told the kids.  However, he forgot one important detail, making sure we had money for the trip.  He failed to check the account balances and pay all bills due as well as verify his income would cover travel expenses.  Now I sat back and let him handle his disability paperwork which he screwed up and has yet to be paid some how expecting me to cover his costs.  In order to go on the small get away that the kids and I desperately need, I have to again cover all costs leaving my account lower than I like.  He has no savings.  Now he is not a big spender usually but also brings in no money and does not realize life and kids cost dinero.  He magically expected someone to pay him back that owed him money.  Of course he loaned money to someone that he was rescuing when it was really my money.

All the years we have been married, I have had a joint account hiding his lack of a real contribution.  I justified it by thinking that he was providing more parenting when i had to work.  However, he never learned how to check the kids grades and did not help them with their homework.  He only recently has started helping with cleaning due to starting therapy.

Here is the big question?  Do I go on the trip with out him?  It will be more expensive with him and we will be tight.  Is that too mean or is that a natural consequence of his immature relationship with money.  I tend to feel sorry for him and make excuses for him due to his traumatic childhood.  However, I am irritated just looking at him and secretly think he is super stupid or really manipulatively smart.

[jess2014]

I am not sure if setting the boundaries just before you go on holiday is such a good idea... .if you take him on holiday after setting any boundaries, what kind of holiday do you think you and the kids will have?

Also - cutting him off and going without him will send him into meltdown - can you deal with the possibility of the endless calls and text messages while on holiday?

maybe letting him know that this issue needs to be talked about when you get back from the holiday and then get yourself some reasonable boundaries wrote down and present them to him when you return from your holiday.

your sounding very hurt and rightly so... .I just feel that you probably need this holiday and so do the kids.

I am going on holiday myself with my BPD friend , who by the way - was my girlfriend ! I know crazy your thinking, however I need the break and the holiday is booked - I plan on laying out small boundaries while I am away with her - like, some time on our own during the break to just be myself and relax.

I have equipped myself with some good books on the disorder and plan on reading them while away. long walks on the beach and some self care is high on my list.

good luck x

[tired-of-it-all]

BPD's do things that you and I would not dream of doing.  He is dumb like a fox.  He knows what he is doing and knows that you will pick up the pieces and pay the freight.

I used to take my wife and kids on very expensive vacations.  I wouldn't let  myself see how I was treated on these trips.  I paid for everything for everybody and usually wound up babysitting the little kids while everyone else enjoyed themselves.  Once she went out for breakfast biscuits and brought back everyone something EXCEPT ME!  Yes she did that!  I still have trouble believing it.  I would not treat my worst enemy the way she has treated me.  That was food that I paid for.

I started taking my own vacations.  I have been on some doozies including a trip to Europe.  I have no guilt at all concerning these trips.  I encourage you to take the kids and leave his lazy ass at home.  He will cry and pout like a little baby but that is his problem.

Your husband is the typical bum.  He knows what he is doing and knows that he is taking advantage of you.

Don't let yourself go inside his head.  That is when I get into trouble.  I start thinking about how badly the BPD must feel.  How sad they must be.  How hurt they must feel.  How much guilt they must have.  I then start to feel sorry for them.  THEY DO NOT FEEL ANY OF THOSE THINGS.  THOSE ARE EMOTIONS THAT YOU AND I WOULD FEEL.  :)ON'T BUY IT.  :)ON'T BELIEVE HIS "POOR ME" BULLS**T.  

[Soccerchic]

Oh you are right.  I would feel hideous taking so much from someone and would do everything to make them have a blast.  I completely projected my own feelings onto him.  He is really working the guilt angle right now stating I don't know if I should lay in the same bed with you because you are upset. Actually his back hurts and he would prefer to lay on the ground which is fine. But why speak honestly when you can use your words to invoke guilt.   

Okay he is with me on vacation and for now I have to pretend for the kids that I  fine. How can I let this lava line anger go.  I can't engage in small talk which is boring anyway. He is a sign reader on drives which normally I can ignore but now is driving me soo crazy.  I am vascillating between extreme boredom and extreme irritation. Is it true that BPD have no sense of humor and make comments out of left fid not in sync with conversations going on around them?