Princess

[Zon]

I was in marriage counseling recently and my uBPDw said that I used to treat her like a princess.  Supposedly, I stopped treating her like that just after we moved across the country and around the time of the engagement/marriage which was close to that time.  More accurately, she moved first then I followed months later due to jobs.  I did state during the session that I did not feel like I treated her differently.

During this time, there was some irritation between her and my two families but mostly with my mom.  In any case, I did not stand up for her as well as I should have according to her.  I somewhat agree.  With my dad's side, it was minor in my eyes because what upset her was their way of showing they really liked her, which I told her.  She is satisfied with that.  Not completely, but enough for her.  With my mom, nothing will satisfy that.

Anyway, I am puzzled by the princess status going away.  I said that I did not treat her any differently, and she stated that I was kind and a gentleman.  What changed is what I am trying to figure out.  I am not painted full black (unlike my mom), but it is a long hurt that still comes back.  Oddly, she says I am better these days (have been for many years in my opinion).  However, that past hurt comes out as one thing that makes her regret marrying me.  At the same time, she wants me to open up fully and accept her without reservations.  Regret marrying me but want me back.

Ugh.  I am not sure I make sense even when I read it back to myself.  Too many opposites in what I hear from her.

[Forestaken]

My Xw was the same way.  In fact, she used the same princess term on me.

One day I told her that a princess is a child and I didn't need a princess but a queen to rule by my side - to take equal responsibility in decisions and in efforts.  Did it work?  for a couple of weeks... .

[Zon]

My Xw was the same way.  In fact, she used the same princess term on me.

One day I told her that a princess is a child and I didn't need a princess but a queen to rule by my side - to take equal responsibility in decisions and in efforts.  Did it work?  for a couple of weeks... .

My wife has said a few times recently that I want a strong woman and a woman that bats her eyes at me.  Ignoring the temptation to ask if it is OK to have two women, I did have to bite my tongue from saying that I feel I have neither.  She claims that she had to mother over me for years.

Of course, if I do too much around the house, then she gets more worried about our relationship.

After the couple of weeks, did your ex go back to her previous behavior or was that a final straw?

[Heartandsole]

My uBPDw of 10 years are going our separate ways.  She sounds just like what you have got there.  Mine tells me I need to treat her like a "Princess".  She hates and is very threatened by my parents, especially my Mother and it has been a very big problem since the wedding planning days.

She say's I am not a man but a the weakest p**sy she has ever met for "Not standing up for her against my parents"  She tells me I have never ever taken care of her or made her fees "Safe" and that I am emotionally abusive.

In reality, she has a hair trigger and it's hard to stand up for her against perceived threats that I don't perceive.  Other times when there is something that I could possible see as being annoying, it is like trying to stand up for a pit-bull that is lunging at my parents, and I have to hold the leash back instead of getting between the two of them.

We have been through lots of counseling over the years, family counseling with all four of us.  She left the counseling when it started to look like she was going to have to take some responsibility for her actions. 

We had couples marriage counseling in the last months and the same thing happened.

I too think I have not really changed all that much from when I was idealized, and I am sick of being described as a person that I hate.  I have come to the realization that she isn't going to accept the princess status no matter how hard I try, even though that the standard she expects. 

I will live the rest of my days "failing" and pouring everything I've got into a black hole of need if I stay in this relationship.  There is no getting over the issues with my parents and her, because the root of the problem is not within me or my parents. 

Hang in there.  It isn't you.  IMHO the princess status goes away because the bar has either been raised so that what you used to do is no longer good enough, or her image of herself is going down and she's not going to feel like a princess no matter what you do, however this doesn't make her NEED to feel like a princess go away.

[elessar]

She left the counseling when it started to look like she was going to have to take some responsibility for her actions.  

Yup, that's how it goes. Mine went for 3 sessions without me a few years back, on the 4th session her lies to the T were exposed and that was the end. Her words then were "all my problems will be solved once i am over you".

And they will question your manhood and chivalrous notions of what you should do. Thats where the Princess personality comes in. As a child, she wants to be a princess. She wants to be treated like the center of the universe because children are narcissists.

[Forestaken]

My Xw was the same way.  In fact, she used the same princess term on me.

One day I told her that a princess is a child and I didn't need a princess but a queen to rule by my side - to take equal responsibility in decisions and in efforts.  Did it work?  for a couple of weeks... .

After the couple of weeks, did your ex go back to her previous behavior or was that a final straw?

My r/s with my Xw was extremely ugly. First, she isolated me from friends and family, then emotionally and verbally abused me. Started destroying my personal possessions then physically abusing me and finally added finanically abuse.

Then final straw? When she left for several months, and I learned she punch her younger sister (Xw=50s, her sister=40s).  Then I decided I didn't want that violence back in my home.  I have 2 kids in college D20 & S24.  Live with me.

[Zon]

My uBPDw of 10 years are going our separate ways.  She sounds just like what you have got there.  Mine tells me I need to treat her like a "Princess".  She hates and is very threatened by my parents, especially my Mother and it has been a very big problem since the wedding planning days.

She say's I am not a man but a the weakest p**sy she has ever met for "Not standing up for her against my parents"  She tells me I have never ever taken care of her or made her fees "Safe" and that I am emotionally abusive.

My wife almost never swears.  Swearing shows you are lower class, so she does not do it.  However, without that, it does sound like my wife.

In reality, she has a hair trigger and it's hard to stand up for her against perceived threats that I don't perceive.  Other times when there is something that I could possible see as being annoying, it is like trying to stand up for a pit-bull that is lunging at my parents, and I have to hold the leash back instead of getting between the two of them.

Yes!  My wife does not show it directly to them like that, but she does go overboard with everything.  I am the cushion between them but have lost a lot of padding over the years.

We have been through lots of counseling over the years, family counseling with all four of us.  She left the counseling when it started to look like she was going to have to take some responsibility for her actions. 

We had couples marriage counseling in the last months and the same thing happened.

Hmm.  My wife is defeatist in the sessions.  They all start like that.  The MC is recently aware--I told him--how bad things are between us.  He is currently digging into her feelings which he reiterates to her are sadness wrapped in anger.  The anger is to either protect herself or boost the sadness.

I too think I have not really changed all that much from when I was idealized, and I am sick of being described as a person that I hate.  I have come to the realization that she isn't going to accept the princess status no matter how hard I try, even though that the standard she expects. 

I will live the rest of my days "failing" and pouring everything I've got into a black hole of need if I stay in this relationship.  There is no getting over the issues with my parents and her, because the root of the problem is not within me or my parents. 

Thank you for that.  I see very much what you are saying.  They do need to fix themselves because there is nothing we can fix to make them happy.  That is not saying we are perfect.  Actually, it is saying that we cannot be perfect enough for them.

Hang in there.  It isn't you.  IMHO the princess status goes away because the bar has either been raised so that what you used to do is no longer good enough, or her image of herself is going down and she's not going to feel like a princess no matter what you do, however this doesn't make her NEED to feel like a princess go away.

Thank you!  I will do my best to hang in there regardless of the outcome.  You too!

Very true about the bar raised and/or her image dropping.  I think it is both.  The image is from not doing anything with her life that she had dreamt about long ago.  The narcissistic image was injured.  That is probably why her personality is getting worse year by year.

[Zon]

She left the counseling when it started to look like she was going to have to take some responsibility for her actions.  

Yup, that's how it goes. Mine went for 3 sessions without me a few years back, on the 4th session her lies to the T were exposed and that was the end. Her words then were "all my problems will be solved once i am over you".

And they will question your manhood and chivalrous notions of what you should do. Thats where the Princess personality comes in. As a child, she wants to be a princess. She wants to be treated like the center of the universe because children are narcissists.

Hmm.  We shall see if mine goes to any individual sessions.  I prompted the MC about her getting individual therapy to which he thought may be good.

Amusingly, she questions how I treat her (princess) at the same time highly complimenting me for being a kind and gentle man.

She never questioned me about how well I treat her or all this stuff from the past until I could no longer handle things.  What stage does that happen at, or what is this called?

Regarding the part of her wanting to be a princess but not ever getting it as she imagines, I feel that is very sad yet true. 

[Zon]

My Xw was the same way.  In fact, she used the same princess term on me.

One day I told her that a princess is a child and I didn't need a princess but a queen to rule by my side - to take equal responsibility in decisions and in efforts.  Did it work?  for a couple of weeks... .

After the couple of weeks, did your ex go back to her previous behavior or was that a final straw?

My r/s with my Xw was extremely ugly. First, she isolated me from friends and family, then emotionally and verbally abused me. Started destroying my personal possessions then physically abusing me and finally added finanically abuse.

Then final straw? When she left for several months, and I learned she punch her younger sister (Xw=50s, her sister=40s).  Then I decided I didn't want that violence back in my home.  I have 2 kids in college D20 & S24.  Live with me.

My wife only isolated me from my mom and stepfather.  With friends, I am not sure since I do not do a lot with people in general.  However, it felt like she wanted us to do things with other couples instead of me going out with the boys.  A night out with the boys for me would have been quite tame too.  Maybe, watch soccer at a pub or play video games, but I never did.  It was a subtle vibe I got from her.  It felt wrong to do something without her.

Wow!  My wife has only hit me on my leg with a cell phone once.  That was the only thing besides biting hard when I tried to tickle her many years ago.  I learned not to do that, quickly.  If she tries any more violence, I will confront her and bring it to the MC.  If she punched another family member, I would be shocked.  I say that, but she has told me some of her wishes to do to my mom during a inebriated moment.