Daughter giving cause for worry

[Northmum]

Daughter "can't live with us any more" - her words because she has "done too many bad things to us" - but we fear she is going to cause havoc in her newest friendship/relationships. We think she may already have lied about our behaviour to gain sympathy from them as they have been letting her stay with them. Should we tell her male friend(s) about her past relationship wreckers e.g. accusations of rapes, lying about pregnancy etc? It feels wrong not to warn them. Or do we let her make her own mistakes and hope she doesn't do similar stuff again?  If people are hurt and we didn't warn them how would we feel? Moral dilemma  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Northmum, 

How well do you know the people your daughter is staying with?

While it's understandable that you would want them to know, it could also be looked at as meddling and cause a rift in the relationship between you and your daughter. It's really a judgment call... .

If she is suffering from BPD, her behaviors will continue to cause trouble in her relationships... .are you in touch with her at the moment?

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Northmum &  I'd like to join pessim-optimist in welcoming you to the Parenting a Son or Daughter suffering with BPD Board. There are lots of Moms here of BPD daughters who will, I'm sure, come on over and tell you what they've learned to do with their own daughters and what their situations are. My child with BPD is an adult son, and my situation has been very different I've found, from raising a daughter. But, BPD is BPD, and I do know how hard it is to deal with that... .moral dilemmas and all!

How old is your daughter? Does she actually still live with you, or has she already moved out? I, also, wonder if you see her very often? I can certainly understand your desire to protect her current and future friends/boyfriends, and the things you mention really are disturbing and traumatic... .I'm really sorry you are dealing with all of this Northmum  

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? If you start at the top of the list, and work your way down, you will gain a good handle of how your daughter's mind works and what you can do to deal with her in a way that makes things better. Have you read any books about BPD? Many of us on this Board have found "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, and "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger to be very helpful.

Please hang in there, and tell us more of your story so we can help... .

[tristesse]

Hello Northmum

my BPDd is 30, and currently residing in my home ( again ).

In my experience with her and any relationships other than family, is to let it be. If you interfere and try and tell them, or warn them, it will comeback to haunt you. You will like the bad guy just trying to make your dd look bad, so in effect everything negative she has said about you, will now in their eyes be true.

My dd always has a way of painting a very dark picture of me, to everybody she encounters. Im like some evil tormenting witch, she convinces most people it's true. So when I have tried to "warn " people in the past, it was never any good, all I did at that point was cement the belief that I am evil, after all what type of mother says things like this about their own daughter.

Eventually it goes bad, her true colors always come out, and I have not yet met anyone that can handle it. She ends up back home everytime.

My advice is to keep it to yourself.

Good Luck

[js friend]

Hi Northmum,

I have to agree with the other posters to say nothing although it is tempting to put people in the picture, how many do you think would even believe you?

When my dd lived at home for months all I could hear lfrom my dd was that she couldnt live here in this prison anymore and i was the worse mother in the world. Anyway one day dd took off at 17yo to live with my cousin.My cousin took her in without even telling me where she was. We have never been really close so i never shared stuff about dd with her so dd and took advantage of this fact. I said nothing. if my cousin felt she needed to protect her from what i dont know it was up to her and Tbh by then i was just glad she was with family and having a break from all the drama by then anyway. So i just sat back and watched it play out because i knew how it would end  and after a few weeks cousin was begging for dd to come back home.!

This happened several times before dd got a place of her own. People would take her in for a few weeks at a time and then kick her out... .and each time I just sat back and watched and the same thing has happened over and over again... .even her  b/f couldnt live with her. She has accused me of abuse and exbf of rape yet he got back with her, and they have had 2 children since this accusation!.Again... .His choice.  If she was to find another b/f I wouldnt say anything because they are adults and  have a choice. And who would believe me anyway as dd doesnt even look like she is capable of half of these things... .She doesnt look ill so they cant see it to begin with .No i believe the truth will always out in the end.

I also know that dd's behaviour will arose suspicions sooner rather than later and if these people choose to stick around it is up to them.

So My advice to you Northmum is  to say nothing... ..

[SeaSprite]

Ditto, if she is anything like my d she is very charming when she is behaving herself, and I'm hating to think what people who know her and not me think of me! No one who has only seen her "good" persona would believe the other stuff.

My h's ex w is the same way, most people see her as a sweet caring person, it's only those of us who have been on her wrong side who see the real dysfunction and the harm it sprays everywhere.

The standard for duty to warn in the mental health field is a specific threat. So for example, a client makes threats towards a specific person, or has plans to commit a violent act. And if a person seems to be an imminent threat to self or others can be confined for observation/eval. But... .duty to warn doesn't extend to warning about past misdeeds.

And people tend to believe "s/he wouldn't do that to me" even if they know the history.