Back to school advise

[Parents! Get help here!]

I wanted to to get some feedback on back to school... .school is a big stressor for my dd17. she is a senior this year and I really hope she can get through this year. Personally I am really going to back off on school and pressure. I am hoping she will realize she needs to hand in those assignments and study but chances are she won't. I plan on having her 504 meeting as early as I can for dd and hope to email her teachers within the first few weeks to start a conversation about my dd and her struggles.

It has been a rough summer for us all... .I don't feel I had a rest or even enjoyed this summer so I bet my dd feels the same. I am looking for input and how you are approach the first day of school. Mine is one week away!

[jellibeans]

I wanted to to get some feedback on back to school... .school is a big stressor for my dd17. she is a senior this year and I really hope she can get through this year. Personally I am really going to back off on school and pressure. I am hoping she will realize she needs to hand in those assignments and study but chances are she won't. I plan on having her 504 meeting as early as I can for dd and hope to email her teachers within the first few weeks to start a conversation about my dd and her struggles.

It has been a rough summer for us all... .I don't feel I had a rest or even enjoyed this summer so I bet my dd feels the same. I am looking for input and how you are approach the first day of school. Mine is one week away!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bymmijprime]

Getting a BPD child to engage in schoolwork has always been a big challenges for us as well.  I don't have a ton of advice, but I definitely empathize with your struggle.  I my case, school/academic achievment was very important to me, but I really had to re-evaluate how much battle I wanted to do with her about it on a daily basis.  Luckily our D16 has a job she enjoys and a boyfriend she wants to spend time with, so we use that as leverage.  No schoolwork done, no ability to do work for spending money or see the BF.  It's hard sometimes to know where to draw the lines. I spent years trying to compel her through arguments and punishments, but it never worked very well and made my house a hellish battlefield.  Once we found out what the problem was, my wife and I had to drastically change how we dealt with what we thought was willful disobedience and was really just a borderline's inability to NOT react to things somethings.  As a result, I have softened my tone with her dramatically and it has helped.  Not saying it is perfect all the time (it isn't), but I feel for you in the struggle.  It's hard, as a parent, when you can't make them do what you need them to do. Now she is passing with Cs & Ds, but we still have to bother her about school work constantly.  I wish I knew better what to do as well.   

[SeaSprite]

 School is a struggle for my d16 as well, in her case she crumples under the slightest stress and can't / won't work.

BUT, I reduce my stress level and maybe hers by extension by reminding myself there are many paths to a good life. As with everyone on this board, I've had to let go of the child I thought I had, and be happy for every forward movement.

So for me, I TRY to ignore the failures and say, that's ok, what's next? If she fails classes, she can retake them. As long as she's alive and making some kind of progress, everything is fine. Eventually she'll be over 18, and then I'll have some tough choices about what I'll support, but for now... .

Also, sometimes I can nudge her to do homework by mentioning the assignment, reminding her to ask for help if she needs any, asking if there is anything she needs, and then leaving her to it. I think of it as indirect nagging. It doesn't always work, but the success rate is higher than telling or insisting.

Good luck! School is so hard for these kids!

I'm following this thread for other ideas. 

[SeaSprite]

I should have said I'm trying to let go of the child I thought I had. I'm still grieving that loss.  :'(

I tell myself that I have let go, in hopes that it will eventually be true.

[mama72]

My dd will be a senior this year too! I will be following this thread closely.

Like SeaWalker, I have had to let go of the child I thought I had, and deal with the one I have. My dd is brilliantly smart and creative, but not motivated and lazy. This year she has some pretty easy classes, so I am hoping that it won't be as stressful as the last few years. My dd gets so "stressed out", but brings it on herself. I wonder how she will deal with the stress of college and a job? She did apply to a state university and has gotten accepted, so that is exciting! I don't show too much excitement though, because I am sure she would decide not to go, just to spite me!

One thing we have to do is stay on top of her with her missing assignments. If she starts getting behind, she gives up. So, we try to prevent that as much as we can, but are done worrying about it to some extent. Her grades are HER grades, and she will have to deal with the natural consequences of her performance. Hopefully, she won't be smoking pot this year and won't feel its cause of laziness.

I hope you and your dd have an great (and uneventful) year!

[Elbry]

Today is the fist day back to school for my DD15.  She is repeating grade 9 because of refusal to go to school last year.  It actually started in the latter half of 8th grade, but with a LOT of compromising and special accommadations we got her to the end of the year.  Last year was awful.  We fought so much about school, we had meetings, we tried to everything to keep her in school.  Then we tried homeschooling, as a last resort because I was going to be reported for truancy and child neglect.  Well that was a total disaster.

So here we are again.  She has a 504 in place.  So far the morning is going OK, she is up and ready to go. My anxiety is at about an 8, I'm just waiting for a meltdown.   

[jellibeans]

Elbry

I hope all goes well this year for your dd. Sending a hug your way.

[SeaSprite]

Good luck today Elbry. The school refusal and 504s are very familiar.

Parents who don't deal with these issues wonder why we don't just send them to school.

Fingers crossed for you, and remember to breathe.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello everyone!

I have come across a really good book a while back, and I think it might be helpful to those of us, who's kids "executive functioning" or skills are low. I think it's worth a shot at fostering skills they will need throughout life.

This book is not BPD specific, only talks about kids who have a hard time with their executive functioning (which a lot of our kids do), and it says that these skills can be taught with lots of repetition.

The book is divided into 6 sections: Material Organization, Time Management, Learning Styles & Studying, Memory Strategies, Note-Taking For Reading Comprehension, and Written Language Skills

The book is called:

Thinking Organized For Parents and Children: Helping Kids Get Organized for Home, School & Play, by Rhona M. Gordon and here is the amazon address for the book and workbook, if you're interested:

www.amazon.com/Thinking-Organized-For-Parents-Children/dp/0979003415

www.amazon.com/Thinking-Organized-Parents-Children-Workbook/dp/0979003458

An excerpt from the book description:

"Rhona Gordon has seen firsthand how difficult school can be for many students. Some children have formal diagnoses such as ADD or ADHD, others have simply been labeled lazy, and still others say they "just don't care". Gordon disagrees, "I have never met a student who does not want to succeed in school. Many kids just don't know how to accomplish it."To teach children new strategies that will help them better plan and complete everyday tasks without stress, Gordon developed the Thinking Organized approach."

[jellibeans]

I just wanted to bump this up. I have one more day before school starts and I wanted to see if anyone else has some advise for this new year... .I ordered the book pessim and I am eager to read it. My 504 meeting won't be for another couple of weeks. It is these first few weeks of school that can be the hardest.

[theplotthickens]

Hi Jellibeans,

Assuming we have let go of everything we are willing to, it helps me to have strategies for what I CAN do as a parent: get a routine going, have daily motivators, get organizational tools in place, etc. 

To me, these strategies are like giving a wheelchair to a person without use of their legs.  With the executive function issues and mood dysregulation, she does not learn from the mistakes, and so letting it go and trying to let her learn herself is not realistic or helpful.  Dr Barkley was really helpful in helping me get insight on the need for supporting kids with impulsivity and ADHD.  I think anyone dealing with an impulsive, dysregulated child could get some nuggets out of this. Have you seen Dr Barkley's video?  Maybe it will be of some use to you.  It is FULL  of strategies and helpful info.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=J3r6U7rMNo2zyASlloDIBQ&url=www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DSCAGc-rkIfo&cd=1&ved=0CCgQtwIwAA&usg=AFQjCNHVv2BUVMAgzG6LOrbmdKyIxG_LCQ&sig2=3D_UfR9jFZeLlcyTIV8iJQ

Let me know what you think.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

theplothtickens

I think everyone here should watch this video... .It is a very long video but well worth it.

I have to go back and watch again but makes me wonder if my dd17 is BPD or just plain ADHD... .what did you think of this? I have watched many videos on ADHD and I always thought it sounds a lot like BPD... .

[SeaSprite]

We have ADHD and BPD in our house, not in the same kids though. The difference to me, at least with our particular kids (they are adhd without hyperactivity, so they are the spacey, distracted type) is that with adhd they have trouble following through on plans because they get bored, distracted, off task, which causes frustration and other problems. It looks like a primarily cognitive issue, with emotional issues being secondary to the problems caused by adhd (like being sad or angry about failing a class).

With my BPD d, she can focus just fine, when she is in a positive emotional space. She is actually quick and efficient. It is her emotions that lead to poor impulse control. This is probably why we inadvertently fed into her problem, because we tried to keep her happy to keep her on track. Which didn't help her learn to self regulate. Or did the opposite, taught her to use her emotions to get what she wants/needs in the moment.

My d with ADHD has struggles, but she takes responsibility for them and has a good idea about who she is and what she wants. My d w BPD needs things to be someone else's fault.

Maybe adhd With hyperactivity looks more similar to BPD though?

[theplotthickens]

In the end, we treat the struggles regardless of diagnosis.  I think that ADHD, bipolar and BPD affect similar areas of the brain.  The impulsivity and lack of organization make it really challenging to succeed!  We can do a lot for our kids by hanging  on to the expectation that our kids can flourish and reach their academic potential.  Too often, we are not given strategies, and worse yet are told to "let it go."  Frankly, our kids can do a lot more than they are given credit for-they just need supports and the right help.

[jellibeans]

I agree theplotthickens... .it is fine line we walk with our kids... to push or not to push.

Today is my birthday my dd17 sent me a text that had me in tears. Such a sweet note with such nice things to say to me. I am hopeful once again that things are going to get better with my dd. It is a new year and she has coped pretty well with these first few days.

I am not sure if I am imagining it or not but once she was put back on her ADHD meds about two weeks ago she seemed to do better. I am not sure but so far I barely recognize her. She is trying so hard and not raging. Helpful... .offering to help ... .thankful... .etc... .I am not who is living in my home but she can stay as long as she wants... .truly the best gift today was her note to me.

[Rapt Reader]

I am really happy to hear that, jellibeans   

Happy Birthday!   

And I hope your daughter's school year goes well, and that maybe she is at a turning point and your family will know some peace... .

Thanks for this; it's so much more than a Tiny Little Change. I daresay, it's Good News!

[theplotthickens]

Jellibeans,

That is something to hang on to!  I am glad that the ad/hd meds are helping her regulate.  That is HUGE! 

Ok, obvious question: what does she want?  LOL, j/k!  :D :D

[jellibeans]

Thanks Rapt and theplotthickens

She just got home with flowers for me too! I am in shock... .

[Rapt Reader]

She just got home with flowers for me too! I am in shock... .

That is remarkable, jellibeans!

Take a picture and put it on your fridge  

What an unexpectedly happy birthday  

[jellibeans]

Yes I will take a photo of the flowers. They are beautiful. We order chinese food tonight and my cookie said... .

"One joy will scatter a hundred sorrows"

how true!

[theplotthickens]

Enjoy this day and this week!  It is a new day, and don't you love the possibility that a new corner has been turned?  What a gift! 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

okay my dd set a new record... .dress coded the first week of school. I did not bring her clothes but she did leave school and came home to change which I am pretty sure is not allowed. I am not taking up the dress code fight. I do say something to her if she is wearing something inappropriately but when it is school I feel it is their job to enforce their code. I don't have the time or energy to fight with her daily about her clothes. I hope going forward she can dress to code. How many days until graduation!

[mama72]

How many days until graduation!

266     

[HealingSpirit]

Hello to all of you moms and dads with back to school high-schoolers!

I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share, but I don't. I just want you all to know, I'm right here rooting for you and your kids.  These are tough years and my heart and prayers go out to all of you!

My DD finished HS a year ago, but it was never easy.  We were fortunate that DD was very good about getting herself up & ready every day, but she lacked executive function, so she missed a lot of assignments ( never her fault though) and failed a lot of tests. And she was sick a LOT. And she became dysregulated nearly every day due to teacher comments or friend drama.

After 6th grade, I pretty much left her to her own study devices because no amount of tutoring or intervention on my part made any difference... .and often my intervention made things worse. I found it frustrating that the school expected us parents to support our kids in having good study habits, but when I went to discuss issues like bullying in the classroom (with the teacher present) that caused my DD to dysregulate,  I was treated like I must be out of my mind. The school supposedly didn't tolerate bullying, so therefore, my DD wasn't being bullied. And how dare I ask for ADHD support for my DD? Didn't I realize that asking for DD to be allowed to sit up front to minimize distraction, and to take tests without being timed and in a quiet, separate room was just too much to ask? She had an IEP, then a 504 plan, and the school ignored all of it.

So, we pulled her out of the public school & tried the nearest private HS, which was Catholic. (We are not.)  DD could not handle the stress from missing or botched assignments, and she was so dysregulated from all the social drama mostly with her teachers, that we pulled her out of there too and she took the proficiency exam and got her GED early. She started junior college last fall, but nothing changed. What a surprise! She had all the same Teacher/friend drama in junior college. I wish she would sign up for DRAMA courses  and put it on stage, rather than live it daily.

I am looking forward to watching the video Plotthickens posted and reading the book Pessim-Optimist suggested. Maybe they will help me help my DD learn to organize someday. For now, my DD did not even sign up for college this fall because she is still planning to move to the midwest to live with her BF pin October. I'm so done at this point, October can't come soon enough! I'm actually looking forward to a break from the daily drama that is never her fault.

I hope all your kids are able to succeed and finish High school, whatever form that looks like for them. It is hard enough just being a teenager. I wouldn't want to try and do HS with BPD, bipolar, or ADHD. Yikes!

Hugs to all of you!