Sharing my fears...

[empath]

In the midst of preparing for a 'healing prayer' week, uBPDh and I have been doing some reading about the ministry and the issues that they address. One of those is what they call a shame cycle that leads to fear and control. So, one of the things that I have known for a while is that I was somewhat ashamed that my husband would act in the way that he did, and I could not trust him with much intimate knowledge of me or to care for the children. It also fed some of my own issues.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to share this information in a way that doesn't trigger my husband's abandonment feelings. I think that it needs to be done before we need to talk about it with others, but it is tricky to navigate between my truth and his issues. He will feel betrayed, deceived and blindsided if I don't mention it beforehand (more abandonment).

On the positive side, the program does seem like it is a good one with some pretty solid psychology behind it -- and it seems like it will be beneficial for us, especially uBPDh.

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[MissyM]

We do work on the shame cycle in my therapy group.  What I have learned there is that for me the shame would be about it triggering an issue for me that goes to my childhood.  For it to be the shame cycle triggered by another person behaving badly, it usually correlates to something deeper within myself.  That in itself is codependent thinking, that I am somehow shamed by someone else's behavior.  All of the women I am in group with have the same thing, we have felt shame because of our spouse behavior and that isn't really our shame to feel.  (we are all spouses of addicts)

[KateCat]

empath,

If your husband has a mental illness, how could this type of (public?) exercise benefit him? I really don't understand.

(I mainly just want to second the comments of MissyM, which sound very healthy to me. The type of work she mentions wouldn't risk veering into co-dependent or passive-aggressive territory, ever, would it? So it seems to protect all parties from harm.)

[Haye]

I agree with KateCat. It feels somehow unnecessary even cruel, people perhaps guessing who are in question or such.MissyM's therapygroup is quite different from Ministry setting - being closed and others being in a same boat with her.

But I do get the feeling that going through feelings of shame is much needed - is there a way you can do that in a more closed group or even between you and a therapist/priest/other type of case worker. Something I recommend fullheart. Even after successful therapy I still tackle with shame-monsters occasionally... .Like with MissyM, they're deeply-rooted in my childhood. Somehow the feelings of shame, or actually the reactions i have, are better hidden nowadays.

[empath]

The codependency tendency is something that I've been working on in myself for several years, now; uBPDh doesn't like it much that I've become less influenced by his feelings. There are definitely things in my own childhood that contributed to the problem; although, it wasn't directly related to codependency. Our environment in the early years of our marriage encouraged this kind of relationship.

The healing prayer week is set up with daily individual times for myself and dh, so it may not be something that comes up in a group setting at all. I'm thinking that I'll just play it by ear and see what happens.

[empath]

We were talking about our applications and family history and such, and part of the application asks why we are seeking this ministry. So, uBPDh says that he thinks that mine should say that I want them to 'fix my husband'. I said that there were more issues that are directly related to me, but marital issues are part of the reason.

Seemed pretty safe to mention that because he has been talking about our 'marital problems', and he wasn't upset about it... . 

[empath]

Later, we were talking about the application. He said that he has a lot of difficulty trusting anyone, and he mentioned some of the things that contribute to it. The good things are that he is aware of this as being an issue and that it drives some of his difficult behavior. He made that connection on his own and recognizes it as a fundamental problem for him. He wants to be different, too.

I just said I know that he has trust issues (thinking, but not saying -- of course, BPD) and mentioned that I was concerned about him repeating his pattern of behavior going forward.

What I'm finding interesting is that he is willing to acknowledge the issues, and this ministry addresses some of the 'bad thought processes and beliefs about others' and gives better thoughts to replace them.