my fiance became extremely verbally abusive to me

[stuckgirl]

for almost two days he called me a b___ (in my culture its a huge thing) selfish,assho*l mean,piece of ___ and kept repeatedly calling me names and insulting me so much i wanted to drown myself in a river.he did this after i simply asked him why he hadnt called me for 6 hours (he gets crazy if i dont for an hour)at first he wouldnt reply,then he asked me what i was implying,to which i said i only want to know why im being ignored like this. he told me to shut up and not cross the line or he would teach me a lesson,he said,and im quoting this 'i'll start calling you names which you very well know shuts u up' and its true,i cant bear it.

i said can you listen to yourself?to which he said 'shut up b___, yeah now youve shut up' i was shocked and hurt so i just hung up and he started texting me disgusting messages about my language,he started projecting everything he had said to me,calling me a b___ again and again.

i was extremely hurt and i had decided not to engage him,he rang me,called me a b___ again. i couldnt take it anymore,i said if im a b___,youre a ass (i knew he would go crazy at this,and it was the first and only time i'd called him a name) he went nuts.started calling me things that would wilt ears,told me to take pills,i felt like i could throw up

the next day he threatened to break up with me and telling people how i treated him,im not ready right now to break up,he called me and told me i was due a lesson,then he said i had insulted him and started crying hysterically for literally 3 hours.

he had literally stripped me of my very respect,i cannot hear people cry,and harder to hear and see him cry because i do love him still,he was crying like his life was over and i felt guilty because i had called him a ass knowing he had BPD,and he had called me all those things not knowing he had BPD.

i calmed myself down then spent 6 hours calming him down,listening to whatever he was saying and humoring.he was crying as if his heart would break and it broke my heart to hear him.

he went outside because i asked him.i'd gotten him to agree to forget the last three days.

he came back in a better mood,almost normalized,but before i went to bed,he said he wasnt feeling very good about something,i started dreading what he was going to say, but he apologized... .

he said he was feeling bad because he had been hurtful,abusive and unfair to me,he was sorry that he hadnt meant to do it, the next time he called me a name he would punish himself in a way so as to remember not to insult me... .i felt sick with heart break, confusion.

i was resolved to dislike him for abusing me but he gave something impossible that a pwBPD would never give someone,sincere apology

im hurt and confused right now,i have had it decided for weeks that i would leave him,but this side of his personality makes it so hard. BPD makes him an insecure shouting person,but inside he's a very nice ,caring person,who's lonely,unhappy and who's well meaning towards everyone until BPD steps in and i wish i didnt know these thing about him,but i do know them...

what do i do? how do i decrease the hurt im feeling? i know im venting,but why did he have to apologize?

what should i do?

[Samuel S.]

Stuckgirl, he has given you a sincere apology and has said that he is going to punish himself, if he resorts to this verbal abuse again. While his apology is sincere, that is a major step for him and for you to possibly mend your relationship. In this case, words speak louder than action. So, if he does not do this again which hopefully will be the case, perfect!

I would suggest that you and he consider couple counseling in order to deal with the issues going on there. Since his apology is sincere and wants to change things, couple counseling is a good option.

I also would suggest that you not only vent your feelings there at couple counseling but also here, because you have been traumatized to the max, and you do not deserve it at all! You may even wish to consider getting individual counseling, but that is up to you.

In contrast to my situation with my BPDw, you have gotten a sincere apology. Mine has not, and I rather doubt she ever will.

[stuckgirl]

Stuckgirl, he has given you a sincere apology and has said that he is going to punish himself, if he resorts to this verbal abuse again. While his apology is sincere, that is a major step for him and for you to possibly mend your relationship. In this case, words speak louder than action. So, if he does not do this again which hopefully will be the case, perfect!

I would suggest that you and he consider couple counseling in order to deal with the issues going on there. Since his apology is sincere and wants to change things, couple counseling is a good option.

I also would suggest that you not only vent your feelings there at couple counseling but also here, because you have been traumatized to the max, and you do not deserve it at all! You may even wish to consider getting individual counseling, but that is up to you.

In contrast to my situation with my BPDw, you have gotten a sincere apology. Mine has not, and I rather doubt she ever will.

thanks for replying to my venting samuel s

i was extremely surprised when he apologized,even felt grateful.

however,in that argument i was very conscious of the fact that any counter argument with him would get us nowhere,so i didn't say many things to him,the things i said were non combative,what he got from me just then was complete submission. thats why he apologized,because having gotten complete security over the horrible things he was saying,he realized exactly what he had been saying to 'defend' himself

if your wife has been verbally abusive to you,then try a random interaction,if an argument happens,validate everything she's says and try not to answer on the personal attacks,to her seem complacent,i bet you'll get your apology,although i dont think its worth it

like everything in BPD even this circled,today he said to me that i was being very argumentative with him that night (the night about which he apologized about treating me bad and saying mean things),that i had been making him feel insulted and useless,also that i never do anything he says or listen to anything he has to say.

he simply said that i wasnt to debate with him over anything,to listen to him properly and rub out the words 'just how have i hurt you' from my 'dictionary'

i then asked him what were the things i was 'allowed' to do

ive tried everything,it doesnt work,no matter how hard i try its the same tiring pattern.on a good day he brings out his white paint and lets me know how wonderful i am,then in the next two minutes he starts 'remembering' how i treated him badly at a particular moment,brings the topic up again and starts arguing,implying that he is right and i use lies to prove myself right (i honestly dont care about it)

i just have to get things moving on breaking up with him,i just wish i had those guts.