Why would he do this? Social media question.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex and I are both part of a very niche social media site which is how we met. In the past, when he's split me black, he's used this site to try to make me jealous, highlighting the fact that he's looking for a new partner, implying that he has someone new, friending LOADS of women etc etc etc. In contrast, when I've been split white or even before he knew me, he would barely post anything at all.

I know that he's used the site in the past to make me jealous because whenever we reconciled he confessed to me that that's what he'd done. I told him it deeply upset me and drove me further away from him.

In the past few months, as I've mentioned before, he's used it to post veiled messages to me. Now he's stopped doing that, and this time round he's not doing anything to try make me jealous. He's not advertised that he's looking for a new relationship, and is just posting pictures of his day-to-day life - a new pet he's bought, how his home looks now he's redecorated. Just really banal stuff.

The stuff he gets barely gets any comments or likes, it just gets ignored, and as I said he never used to do this. It's quite out of character.

My instincts are telling me this is significant, but I don't know why. Is he trying to show me that he's still single because his triangulation upset me in the past? Is he trying to show me he's just getting on with life? Is he trying to show me what I'm missing? If this was his normal behaviour I wouldn't think he was trying to show me anything, but this has only been since he split me black and went ST.

[Suspicious1]

My ex and I are both part of a very niche social media site which is how we met. In the past, when he's split me black, he's used this site to try to make me jealous, highlighting the fact that he's looking for a new partner, implying that he has someone new, friending LOADS of women etc etc etc. In contrast, when I've been split white or even before he knew me, he would barely post anything at all.

I know that he's used the site in the past to make me jealous because whenever we reconciled he confessed to me that that's what he'd done. I told him it deeply upset me and drove me further away from him.

In the past few months, as I've mentioned before, he's used it to post veiled messages to me. Now he's stopped doing that, and this time round he's not doing anything to try make me jealous. He's not advertised that he's looking for a new relationship, and is just posting pictures of his day-to-day life - a new pet he's bought, how his home looks now he's redecorated. Just really banal stuff.

The stuff he gets barely gets any comments or likes, it just gets ignored, and as I said he never used to do this. It's quite out of character.

My instincts are telling me this is significant, but I don't know why. Is he trying to show me that he's still single because his triangulation upset me in the past? Is he trying to show me he's just getting on with life? Is he trying to show me what I'm missing? If this was his normal behaviour I wouldn't think he was trying to show me anything, but this has only been since he split me black and went ST.

[Tiny Topaz]

Hi. Is it possible that his posts have nothing at all to do with you or your reactions to them? I wonder because I used to think the same thing about my hwBPD. He would say all these sympathy-evoking things on Facebook. Nobody ever replied or "liked" them either, and I ignored those posts entirely. Except one time when I wrote "knock it off". And he served up quick justice in return: he blocked me from Facebook. When he added me back I looked over his page to see what was there while I was away and it seemed to have shifted from desperate and suicidal to carefree and lighthearted. It took me while to understand that he wasn't posting for my benefit or to get attention from me... he was posting to get attention from other people. He wanted THEM to react, not me. In fact, he was quite happy that I ignored his posts and he was very angry when I did finally comment, as if I'd ruined what he was trying to accomplish. I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but it's something to consider possibly.

[Caredverymuch]

My ex and I are both part of a very niche social media site which is how we met. In the past, when he's split me black, he's used this site to try to make me jealous, highlighting the fact that he's looking for a new partner, implying that he has someone new, friending LOADS of women etc etc etc. In contrast, when I've been split white or even before he knew me, he would barely post anything at all.

I know that he's used the site in the past to make me jealous because whenever we reconciled he confessed to me that that's what he'd done. I told him it deeply upset me and drove me further away from him.

In the past few months, as I've mentioned before, he's used it to post veiled messages to me. Now he's stopped doing that, and this time round he's not doing anything to try make me jealous. He's not advertised that he's looking for a new relationship, and is just posting pictures of his day-to-day life - a new pet he's bought, how his home looks now he's redecorated. Just really banal stuff.

The stuff he gets barely gets any comments or likes, it just gets ignored, and as I said he never used to do this. It's quite out of character.

My instincts are telling me this is significant, but I don't know why. Is he trying to show me that he's still single because his triangulation upset me in the past? Is he trying to show me he's just getting on with life? Is he trying to show me what I'm missing? If this was his normal behaviour I wouldn't think he was trying to show me anything, but this has only been since he split me black and went ST.

Everything they do is to get a reaction. Remember they rapid cycle too. One moment euphoric, the next dark and withdrawn. 

I know it's hard and this will sound insensitive, but if you are really intending to detach from this man and break the BPD hold, you can't base your sense of emotional self on his current state of self. Bc he doesn't know who he is. Everything he does is a mask for the moment. It will change continually based on who he is with. Which also changes continually for most.

When I stopped analyzing if my expBPD was happy, sad, withdrawn, acting overly euphoric, acting really depressed is when I detached further and further. It's so hard bc we have no closure, so it's like trying to pc together a very hurtful puzzle. Which is why I stayed engaged in that process of checking in on him. So I could then know how to feel.

It's not worth it. It only holds up progress in detaching and provides false hope of a reality that isn't real.  The disorder always wins. Sad truth.

You may have to remove yourself from the shared social media site you mention to aid in fully detaching, when and if you are ready. The reminders there in seeing your ex will continue to keep you on the roller coaster.  Not fair I know. I've had to change a lot too.

[Suspicious1]

Tiny Topaz, it's entirely possible, it's just that it's out of character and I know he told me in the past that the stuff he puts on there is for me to see. If it was anyone else doing it I'd assume it was nothing at all to do with me, but my instincts are telling me otherwise this time.

CVM, the stupid annoying thing is that I only went onto his profile this time to block him. I agree with everything you say, I need to keep him in the past and doing things like checking his profile brings him sharply back into my presence. I think I'm jumpy because if we'd stayed together I'd be due another black split right now as he worked on a three-monthly cycle, so I'm half expecting something to happen. I want to be prepared, even though it's futile.

[Caredverymuch]

Tiny Topaz, it's entirely possible, it's just that it's out of character and I know he told me in the past that the stuff he puts on there is for me to see. If it was anyone else doing it I'd assume it was nothing at all to do with me, but my instincts are telling me otherwise this time.

CVM, the stupid annoying thing is that I only went onto his profile this time to block him. I agree with everything you say, I need to keep him in the past and doing things like checking his profile brings him sharply back into my presence. I think I'm jumpy because if we'd stayed together I'd be due another black split right now as he worked on a three-monthly cycle, so I'm half expecting something to happen. I want to be prepared, even though it's futile.

I understand the split cycle. 4 mos is generally the longest they can hold up their mask during idealization of a new supply source. 6 mos the devaluations begin. Then it never stops. Just wash, rinse, repeat. 

You/we will never be the shiny new object we once were. We will only be a source of supply and with each recycle, you are devalued harshly to the ground, truly comparable to the height of the idealization pedestal you once were on. The extreme is that real.  Why it hurts so excruciatingly.

Being prepared for a baiting to split me white (VERY temporarily as this gets shorter each time too) would mean this:   no reaction at all. Complete indifference and moving forward.  That's the only way to detach and stay off the ride.

BPD always win. I gave the disorder back where it belongs.

[Suspicious1]

Ooh interesting you should say that - my first devaluation seemed to come four months in, and then it was three months, three months, three months, three months.

Yes, the crumbs and baiting could well be his very brief white split. He might be splitting me constantly and I'll never know about it, because it'll never be for long enough to get back in touch or actually start another cycle. So I'll keep him blocked and keep moving forwards. Thank you

[Caredverymuch]

Ooh interesting you should say that - my first devaluation seemed to come four months in, and then it was three months, three months, three months, three months.

Yes, the crumbs and baiting could well be his very brief white split. He might be splitting me constantly and I'll never know about it, because it'll never be for long enough to get back in touch or actually start another cycle. So I'll keep him blocked and keep moving forwards. Thank you

You are strong and you are learning much. Keep learning, posting and growing stronger. It's too much to try to break down the walls of the disorder. Once the splitting begins, it's harsher each time if you go back. And the devaluation just gets worse unfortunately. "Love" does not win here.

[Suspicious1]

Thank you CVM, once again your words really do make a difference. I identify with you as our stories have been so similar up to this point. Very grateful for your support xxx

[Caredverymuch]

Thank you CVM, once again your words really do make a difference. I identify with you as our stories have been so similar up to this point. Very grateful for your support xxx

susp1 this site saved my life. I was drowning in the disorder. The trauma. The chaos. The confusion. The immense push pull. The implosion that this man had on my entire being. When i found this site by the grace of God, I wept.  Finally. Finally this entire ordeal began to make sense. I could finally begin to understand it was not me. I was not doing one thing to deserve any of the hurt.  Really no one deserves hurt so thats a given.  But the hurt we suffer on this side of a BPD r/s is horrifically shattering.

I respect everyone here on their journey and if my experience, as painful as it was and still can be, can help to soothe others going through the same, then it did have a value additive after all.

I wish I could hug you all and tell you all to stay NC like a protective mother. That you are all worth so much more than this disorder will ever afford you. That love does not and will not win in a BPD r/s like we endured.  But love is a beautiful gift. A precious cherished warm gift that should be respected and very mutual.  And love wins in so many other areas of life.

But it must begin with yourself.  We really have to love ourselves first.  Always. And thats where healing begins.  And thats an impt step to take or these types of r/s and the draw to ppl that need saving will become an aphrodisiac until it bcomes repeated and familiar hurt.  And our own unhealthy pattern. Of acceptance.  Denial. Ease.

And although I am alone in new ways bc of the devastation of the pBPD, I would rather be alone than to be devalued.  And.  i still have more. Bc I know love.

You do too 

[Rise]

If it was anyone else doing it I'd assume it was nothing at all to do with me, but my instincts are telling me otherwise this time.

Suspicious, I think I understand where you're at with this, and I'm going to share some sage advice someone on here once gave me: Stop. Unless something is blatantly, clearly about you, don't assume that it is. We have to deal with enough confusion and drama in relationships like this that we don't need to pile on more ourselves. It's just not worth chasing shadows when we have things that we know for sure are going to require a great deal of effort to get through. Take that time and energy and focus it on something that matters, like yourself.

Best Luck,

Rise

[Suspicious1]

You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm stepping away now I've blocked him. If only he hadn't told me he posted things there there specifically for me to see, as it's driving me mad, but you're right. If I don't look I won't know, and unless he directly contacts me I can just live peacefully away from it all.