BPDh won't "allow" me to get PT second job. How to do it anyway?

[wishfulthinking]

I'm so tired of bill collectors calling.  I'm tired of the constant disconnect notices and selling my things to pay bills and get food $3 at a time.  My BPD/NPDh, like many others, can't work consistently.  Always blames someone else even though he's the one sleeping all day and not going to work.  He has work lined up, but then something happens or whatever and he can't go.  I go to work sick, I have a heart problem and right now pneumonia, but I'm at work.  There is an opportunity for me to work at a little store in our mall for 4 hours a week and the discount I would get there would be awesome for Christmas.  He refuses to let me.  It's been a big area of contention.  I NEED this and he gets so upset about it.  Says I need to trust him as he is changed and doing his "best" which means not going for a full week a couple weeks ago, so another 2 weeks with no paycheck and the one this Friday will be crap, too.  Says I need to leave it in God's hands.  I honestly think God expects us not to sit on our butts and do nothing.  I'm very frustrated and if I have to cancel my interview this evening I know I'll miss this chance.

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[Vindi]

he may try to act like he can "allow" you to do anything, but you are in control of your own life. If you feel working the 2nd job would help, then do it... .since he doesn't seem to bring home a paycheck also, this may help him in deciding to get off his butt and start working and help with paying the bills.

This is a boundary you can set for yourself, for your own financial growth... .getting a 2nd job will help you, but also don't get locked into paying all of the bills, esp. if he doesn't help or makes excuses, that could set you  up for setting another boundary, about helping out and working and paying bills also.

Tell him what you want to do, and do it, it really cannot hurt cuz you are doing a good thing and helping out with finances, just make sure he does too!

[sweetheart]

Hello wishfulthinking,

I'm with Vindi on this one, you are the only person that is in control of decisions about how you live your life. Going to the interview, taking the job if that is what you want is the right thing to do, so go for it.

You say in your post that he 'refuses to let you' - can you say a little bit more of how he might do this ?

Other than that, good luck and let us know what happens.

[wishfulthinking]

He got very upset.  Told me I need to trust him and let things come together and there is no way in Hell I was getting another job, it wasn't needed.  I know if I go anyway and get this job, when I tell him my schedule, he's going to rage.  His rages are horrible.  Part of it is that I'm scared of the rages.  Boundaries have backfired.  My T says it's because of the NPD part of him.  Trying to work on how to phrase things and not taking things so personally on my own side and it is helping, but boundaries like that do not work.

[vortex of confusion]

Is there anyway you can sell him on it? For example, tell him all of the things that will benefit HIM. Is there stuff at the store that HE likes? Last spring, I took on a second part time job. It was a bit of a struggle because I had to find a job that allowed me to work certain hours due to child care issues. I had to find a way to work my job around him. I did it though. My other job is an online job so I never have to leave home. My husband has steady work but he took a job that had a pay cut because his other job is too stressful. He is a professional and has tons of education but seems to be content to work at a job that is more or less a dead end job. He lacks ambition of any kind. Because of the low paying job, I felt that I had to take a second part time job.

When I took the job and told him about the hours, his first response was, "What about my activities?" It was frustrating and there are times when I wonder if it is worth it. When I am at work, I feel awesome. When I come home, not so much. Things have gotten a lot better though.

All I can say is see if you can find all of the ways it will benefit him. Try to see if you can make it about him in a POSITIVE way.

[wishfulthinking]

Sigh... .unfortunately, it is a child's clothing store.  My main job has restrictions on places I can work for secondary employment.  I would get a good discount on kid's clothes, though and with Christmas coming, it would help us all.  It's only for 4 hours a week and one Sunday night a month to start.  Besides that benefit, it would be less he would have to pitch in to catch up on stuff... .I'm just so frustrated.

[vortex of confusion]

Sigh... .unfortunately, it is a child's clothing store.  My main job has restrictions on places I can work for secondary employment.  I would get a good discount on kid's clothes, though and with Christmas coming, it would help us all.  It's only for 4 hours a week and one Sunday night a month to start.  Besides that benefit, it would be less he would have to pitch in to catch up on stuff... .I'm just so frustrated.

Oh man, that is tough. Don't mention that it would be less that he has to pitch in. When I mention things like that to my husband, he gets goofy. There was a time when he was at his worst when he wouldn't do stuff but would then get mad at me when I did it. He reason was, "I was going to do it. You don't even give me a chance." He took it as me invalidating him when all I was trying to do was get stuff done. He will say he is going to do things but not do them. If I go ahead and do them anyway because he can't or won't, he gets upset. There are no easy answers.

Just a thought. . .if childcare is not an issue, is there something "fun" he can do on those nights when you are working so that he doesn't notice that you are gone?

[Robins0n]

Hi wishfulthinking - from your experience, what kind of repercussions would you likely have to face, if you do it anyway?

[wishfulthinking]

He basically has no friends, he is hard to deal with.  He could go to his mom's, I guess.  They fight a lot, too.  I feel you on the having to do things they say they will do.  I waited a month for the toilet to be fixed till I finally did it myself one day and he got upset.  I would have done it right away when it was just me, but now that he's there I have to wait an extended time for him to do something manly and then never do it.

I think he will freak out and rage on me, which tends to become physical because he's been on that borderline since I allowed him back home last month and even though I know he's trying very hard to not rage and he is controlling himself, I think this would be the final straw because I am blatantly disregarding him.

[Robins0n]

Hi wishfulthinking. It's very difficult when altercations become physical but, in my opinion, this also provides you with an opportunity. In my case, this opportunity was letting my wife hit rock bottom. I don't know if you've ever called the authorities on him, when he became violent. After much discussion with several people about our situation at home, one of them pointed out that I seem to protect her from hitting rock bottom constantly (keeping her illness and the corresponding insanity in our home a secret from family, friends, neighbours, etc.). Basically, enabling her behavior. Our history includes physical violence from her but since I'm a guy and about a foot taller than her, I never really saw it as a threat - this was wrong! I can't get into much detail here about the incident that triggered me calling the cops but you can PM me and I'll respond with more details, if you're interested.

Bottom line: her being picked up by the cops was a major step in the right direction for both of us. Not directly, as cops and emergency room personal are generally not very well equipped for people with mental illness - at least they weren't in our case - but in the aftermath. Sort of made her aware that none of her peers, who are all arguing with their significant others every once in a while, ever had to be removed from their house for safety reasons. Big eye opener for her. Big eye opener for me too. I realized that protecting her all this time, did not stall recovery but actually prevented it and made things worse and worse.

Again, it will require far more preparation for you to guarantee safety for yourself and your child(ren?), in case you're willing to take that step. This step is not to be taken lightly for obvious reasons (calling the cops=ultimate rejection). It saddens me that there's these kind of men out there. And by 'saddens' I mean it disgusts me