Any advice for serving divorce papers?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My attorney is currently drawing up the paperwork for what I pray will be an uncontested divorce (I know... .but I must HOPE for the best and prepare for the worst). I've been preparing for this for quite a while... .hoping to cover as many bases as possible so that it has the best chance for running as smoothly as it possibly can... .for our sake and that of our 11 yr old son. The one thing that has been my greatest internal conflict is how to serve the divorce papers. I'm not sure if it would be wise to have them served at the house while I am not there... .I may not have any personal items remaining by the time I came home. I feel that if she were served at work a nuclear meltdown would surely occur. I would rather serve them myself but not really sure of the wisdom of that either. I welcome any thoughts or experiences.

[tiredandbroken]

My attorney is currently drawing up the paperwork for what I pray will be an uncontested divorce (I know... .but I must HOPE for the best and prepare for the worst). I've been preparing for this for quite a while... .hoping to cover as many bases as possible so that it has the best chance for running as smoothly as it possibly can... .for our sake and that of our 11 yr old son. The one thing that has been my greatest internal conflict is how to serve the divorce papers. I'm not sure if it would be wise to have them served at the house while I am not there... .I may not have any personal items remaining by the time I came home. I feel that if she were served at work a nuclear meltdown would surely occur. I would rather serve them myself but not really sure of the wisdom of that either. I welcome any thoughts or experiences.

[Rise]

Does she already know that you are pursuing a divorce?

[tiredandbroken]

No she doesn't. I think that she may have suspicions, and it really shouldn't be a surprise, but I don't believe she knows I am actively pursuing it.

[hope4tomorrow]

I am in this exact same boat, if I am not around will he wreck everything we own?  I hope we get some good advice.

[GaGrl]

People have weighed in on this in several ways -- it really depends on what you know or suspect about your spouse's reactions.  Some of the ways have been:

-- Private conversation, hand over the petition for divorce

-- Ask for therapist's help, tell him/her during session, hand over petition then or later

-- Have petition served formally by a third party, at work or at home

I'm sure there are other suggestions that will come forward.

As to the potential for a rage and destruction of property... .common wisdom here is to gradually remove all important papers, valuables, keepsakes/photos, etc. that you do not want to risk, prior to serving papers.

[goateeki]

In many states, a party to the action cannot serve process. Consider that your service of a complaint would not be valid service of process.  Talk to your lawyer about this and ask your process server.  Your service of the papers might mean there has been no valid service.

[ForeverDad]

Be aware that even if you haven't mentioned it, she likely has sensed a change in you and that may make her suspicious of something looming.  Her thinking and perceptions may be extremely skewed but most here describe spouses who are master manipulators and that means they can sense subtle changes in our attitudes and behaviors.

Probably it is best for a professional to serve the papers.  Either the court can have it served (timing out of your control) or your lawyer can hire a process server to serve it.  If you can know in advance when it might be served, then you can have a friend nearby to limit her (over)reactions.

Be fully aware that then your spouse is very likely to try to position herself as the temporary custodial parent.  It is sadly very common for a woman to use false allegations of DV, child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment to emotionally batter the court into thinking you're an ogre or at least default to the mother.  She will have intensely emotional claims, you will have facts and documentation.  In the early stages the court often is inclined to ignore the facts and default to their usual procedures (typically favoring mothers, but it won't be stated that way in anything written or on the record).

A word to the wise... .temp orders generally have a nasty tendency of becoming permanent orders - or an uphill struggle to correct.  If at all possible, try to present an overview of the case in the limited time allowed (often just a half hour or so) to get the best temp order possible from the very start.  My lawyer said, after I was defaulted to alternate weekend dad, ":)on't worry, well fix it later."  Guess what, 'later' turned into two years later.   Meanwhile the court's social worker's parenting investigation report recommended I get at least 50% parenting, but court did nothing.  And the initial custody evaluation report recommended my then-stbEx immediately lose her temporary custody, but court did nothing.  So my advice is to start off, if you can, with the best temporary custodial and parenting order possible.

You should already be (quietly) preparing for the separation:

• Have a TRUSTED friend or relative there or nearby.  Or at least have a voice recorder on your person at all times in case you need to document that you're not the one misbehaving, abusing, framing allegations or falsely claiming abuse.  The first hours and days after service are especially prone to allegations, horrible ones or even arrest, either as overreactions, retaliations or posturing to look better in family court.  (Often when the police are called they don't care who is really at fault, it is generally the man who is carted away to jail by default.)



• Copy or secure the important documents, deeds, mortgages, titles, marriage license, financial records, accounts and passwords now, before they disappear.



• Keep spare sets of clothes, cash and car keys nearby in a secure and trusted location in case you and your son need to quickly bug out.  Side issue, if she starts raging or otherwise gets out of control, will she 'allow' your son to leave with you?  Ponder this, get lawyers suggestions, your son is old enough to choose to go with you.



• If some memorabilia or other things are irreplaceable or not marital assets, try to secure them in a safe place beforehand or once served.  Quietly, no scenes or conflicts.  For the things you don't take - ever things that belong to her or are marital assets - take photos or video to prove what was there before separation, just as you would do to prove to your insurance agency what you owned.  Some of our members such as ':)avid' got possession of their houses months/years later and walked into houses bare and stripped of everything, even lights and electrical outlet plates.  And court wasn't inclined to pursue enforcing the return or replacement of the missing items.  Just getting an order is hard enough, enforcing consequences is vastly harder to accomplish.



• If your child has a passport, birth certificate, SSN card, school registrations or other important documentation, secure them or they are likely to disappear.



• If your paycheck is auto-deposited into a joint account, be prepared to immediately change HR deposit instructions to a personal account once she is served.



• Change all passwords to all your personal accounts, doing so from computers she has no access to either physically or electronically.  Many online accounts have provision to record backup email accounts that are notified when you change passwords, etc.  Be sure that the secondary notification accounts, such as for "lost passwords", are all yours too.



• Repeat, money in a joint account is generally considered marital assets and you each have a right to half.  However, court does not enforce compliance.  If you leave large amounts in joint bank accounts then they may/will be raided and it ALL disappear immediately.  While it is technically something you can get adjusted when your divorce process later gets to the financial credit/debit/asset issues, seldom do you get your portion of money back, maybe it will be added to the ledger when calculating who gets what, but don't count on it!  In a nutshell, you know you can be trusted not to unfairly raid the accounts, odds are you can't say the same thing about your disordered spouse.  So be prepared to immediately move at least half the joint funds to safety, it may literally be a race to see who gets access to the joint bank accounts first.



• Always keep your inheritance separate from marital assets/debts.  Most states say inheritance is not a marital asset unless it is "commingled" or mixed with marital funds or assets.



• Even under pressure, do not make promises to do (or not do) anything, better to defer an answer such as "Give me a few days to think about it" or "Let me check with the accountant, my lawyer, family court, etc".  Don't paint yourself into a corner.  Let your lawyer take the heat, 'blame' your lawyer or the court when you have to say No, that's what they are there for, to keep the divorce a little less insane.  For example, rather than saying "No" and getting blamed or worse, deflect the pressure, "My lawyer said we can't do that."  Or similar responses that shift the pressure from you onto the professionals.  After all, that's partly what they get paid for.



• Credit cards can be complicated to unwind.  Single account holder accounts are simple, just cancel the other's card/cardholder status once served.  Joint credit card accounts are more difficult.  Some companies refuse to close an account until it is fully paid off.  Or if you suspend the joint account, she may be able to get them to reactivate it.  Don't ignore the risks of her raiding the bank accounts and credit cards to either punish you or to get as much as she can out of you.  Even if your lawyer says half is yours, be fully aware that "possession and control" rules the day, especially in the early days of a divorce.  While half may be legally yours, that doesn't mean a hill of beans if you never manage to get it back.



• In other words, think ahead. Have a strategy.  Leave room for the unexpected and unanticipated.  Rather than defaulting to being reactive, try to be proactive as much as possible.

[whirlpoollife]

My L sent it by mail, when it arrived h was not home so h had to go to the post office to sign and pick it up. By him signing for it , the start date of separation became official.

Follow the list that FD posted.

It will be rough but you can get though it.

[tokyotea]

you can't serve the papers yourself because you are an "interested" party... .has to be 3rd party server... .let attorney order server...  

my ex evaded service of process for 2 months... not fun... .on such a procedural matter

[catnap]

ForeverDad posted extremely important information.  Get positioned the best you can-- then have the papers served.  In my son's case a private process server was used because you can pick the day, time and place. Plus, they will notify you quickly that the party has been served.  He had her served at work. 

You might be able for instance to have her served close to the end of the work day.  Your process server might be able to do so quietly by asking for an HR person, or her supervisor, so the actual service can be done in a private setting with support available. 

[tiredandbroken]

This is all very good information. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Boss302]

My attorney is currently drawing up the paperwork for what I pray will be an uncontested divorce (I know... .but I must HOPE for the best and prepare for the worst). I've been preparing for this for quite a while... .hoping to cover as many bases as possible so that it has the best chance for running as smoothly as it possibly can... .for our sake and that of our 11 yr old son. The one thing that has been my greatest internal conflict is how to serve the divorce papers. I'm not sure if it would be wise to have them served at the house while I am not there... .I may not have any personal items remaining by the time I came home. I feel that if she were served at work a nuclear meltdown would surely occur. I would rather serve them myself but not really sure of the wisdom of that either. I welcome any thoughts or experiences.

In my state, serving papers personally isn't an option from a legal standpoint - they have to be delivered by a third party, like a process server.

Your attorney should be able to consult with you on the best way to make sure she's served legally and protect your rights and property. The attorney usually has process servers that they use.

[birdlady]

In my state it has to be served by an adult, third party.  My attorney used a process server.  It was served with a very nice letter stating that I was willing to work it out in with the least expense possible and all the other niceties one uses when one would prefer a cooperative outcome. 

Though I filed first, he already had the replacement fiancé and had informed me he wanted a divorce. I was supposed to accept a draft marriage settlement, totally in his favor, that he had drawn up on a legal website.

When served, he went ballistic and engaged in 24 hours of binge drinking and verbal abuse.  He said he would make sure all the money was spent on attorneys and that he would destroy me. He tried.  It's a little over two years later and he didn't succeed

In my case, I had a "go bag" with some clothes and documents at a neighbors.  I didn't use it that day and due to my ex stalling on temporary spousal support, was unable to move out of the marital home for 2.5 of the worst months of my life, but I survived it.

He totally did not cooperate.  We had to subpoena everything.  He lied repeatedly.  He played games with DMV and the car registrations.  He wrote nasty emails and sent vile letters after I was able to move out.  I of course passed them on to my lawyer and did not respond.  He never paid a thing on time, though on threat of contempt eventually did.

I went NC within a month of moving out (except for court appearances and though attorneys).  Funny thing, I know how much I would have settled for if he had cooperated, and because I had to fight for it every step, I got almost 2x as much as I wold have thought reasonable, even after attorneys fees. I will never regret standing up to him through the legal system. It was an important part of my healing.

I may not have done this the best way, but I did it in the only way I was able to at the time. Had he known in advance, he would have tried to stop me, so I had to do this without his knowing until he was served.  When your stbx has pd traits, anything you do is "wrong" anyway.  Sometimes you just gotta do it and work through the blowback.

[buterfly]

It helped me to think of the divorce like ripping off a bandaid. The faster you do it the less it hurts. Don't prolong the process, and cause yourself more pain. You deserve to be happy.

[Bellerphon]

I had the greatest difficulty in serving divorce and discovery papers on my exBPDw. She would claim that I was stalking her and have her address hidden by the courts. So finally my lawyer and I came up with a plan to have my ex served in the parking lot of of the Dept. of Social Services when she was doing her supervised visitation. It was not the best decision but we had to get the legal ball rolling and it took 18 months to get her into court to get the divorce.

The kids have been placed with me finally and we are pending the final decision on the manner of custody.

B

[Boss302]

I had the greatest difficulty in serving divorce and discovery papers on my exBPDw. She would claim that I was stalking her and have her address hidden by the courts. So finally my lawyer and I came up with a plan to have my ex served in the parking lot of of the Dept. of Social Services when she was doing her supervised visitation. It was not the best decision but we had to get the legal ball rolling and it took 18 months to get her into court to get the divorce.

The kids have been placed with me finally and we are pending the final decision on the manner of custody.

B

Sometimes I get reminded that as hideous as my divorce is, others have suffered worse. Hang in there.