Silent treatment or no contact?

[hurting300]

Ok, so do BPD's typically use no contact or silent treatment? Because I'm confused as to what she is doing... .

[Harri]

I think it varies depending on the pwBPD.  Either way, they play the same from the non's point of view unless you are hoping to get back together?

[hurting300]

She has our baby. It's been four months. I came home and they had moved out. No contact since. She has driven by a few times... one hang up call that's it. We had a near perfect night before... .She even washed my clothes before she disappeared.

[Skip]

Have you tried to contact her? Have you tried to contact her family?

[Suspicious1]

Does she have PND? I'm sure you've contacted health services... .

[hurting300]

Hey guys thanks... no she must have told her family not to talk to me. All she's done is drive by my house a few times. And what is pnd?

[Suspicious1]

Post Natal Depression. If it's out of character for her to disappear like that, maybe she needs some help from health services.

[hurting300]

Oh, no She was fine, we were doing pretty good. It's what I found out from other people after she left that's got me up in arms. And I've read a lot on here about borderlines packing up and disappear ing...

[Skip]

She has our baby. It's been four months.

So the whole family is blocking access to your child?

[hurting300]

Her mom don't wanna tell me anything. And the grandmother won't return my calls at all, those are the only two I've met. This family is highly secretive. My private detective found out her and the mother have had their names changed, first and last. I believe I'm dealing with a slick family.

[Skip]

So there is t whole issue of custody and child support - are you thinking about it?

[hurting300]

I'm fighting for custody

[ForeverDad]

I wrote my thoughts below before I tried to post and found you meanwhile had responded.  I will proceed with my post since I don't know how much has been done yet to fight for custody.  Pardon me if you have made progress with your case... .

Have you started a case in family or juvenile court?  Even if you don't know precisely where she or your child is, have you still filed whatever you can with what you know?

Here's why I ask... .  In the USA it takes 6 months to establish residency as applied in the family court systems.  It is federal law but I'm not sure if it is applied by county or by state.  For example, she's been gone nearly 5 months now.  If you file before she is gone for 6 months then you can force the case to be conducted in your local court, very convenient for you and she would perhaps be seen as obstructing your parenting.  But if she has moved away and she has established residency elsewhere for 6 months, then she could force you to do all the legal work in her area, very inconvenient and you might be viewed as a parent with little interest in the child or little impact on the child's life.  The longer a case is delayed, the greater the odds are they would favor her in nearly every aspect of the case.

I realize she may have to be served under normal circumstances, but if she has disappeared then there must be some process to get your case started before your position as involved parent gets even more damaged.

Do you have a proactive lawyer, one who is a real problem solver and proactive with strategies and options?  If not, then you better start looking now for one who can handle this case.  Sitting around and waiting is no big deal for a lawyer, they do it all the time, but sitting around and waiting to be a parent again is only making your case weaker and harder to reverse.  IMO and pardon me for saying it this bluntly - the longer little is done, the less a court and even your lawyer will believe you really want to be a parent.

[hurting300]

All we can do is file. Her mental illness has been noted thru subpoena from my attorneys. She can run and try to prove something all she wants. But in the end, our judge will not take to kindly to her actions 

[Harlequin]

She or her mother has decided your no good.   Is a lot of BPD people that tend to have a BPD or nod parent, and they are used to controlling their daughter.

No contact is usually preemted with a message of stay away etc

Silent treatment is just silence , and usually because a diosordered person is punishing you for something that they found fault in you for .

The results on us loved ones is the same, never a. Chance to work things out , or even understand, let alone healthy things like closure etc.

I once got the silent treatment for two m!months ( shje ran to her sisters and didn't talk ) because she  felt guilty about a work affair  and she decided that I would be angry if she told me about it . all this happened without her saying a thing to me? I only found out because I was good mates with her sister.

[hurting300]

Yes exactly! She never once told me to stay away or stop calling. She is punishing me and trying to gain control.

[Harlequin]

I think that control is such a huge thing for them. I remember my ex saying to others " I don't know what he will do" , implying I be angry dv etc.  Mainly because I started to call her up on her controlling and manipulations , and not automatically do what she wanted. Is I stopped walking on eggshells and asked her if she really ment to say she would leave me if I didn't get a hair cut, and how would she she feel if I said similar to her

Best way treat silent treatment is to just ignore it, don't try to convince her, I guessing the family is enabling her victumhood, and she getting all this narsasisic supply she needs .

.  go thru atterny to contest for access.  And try raise above her games.  I believe it is always win loose with them, part of there never being able to be wrong or bad.

[hurting300]

Yeah I know, she didn't breakup with me. She just disappeared. Drives by my house sometimes but no contact. It's hard to ignore silence.