Camuse,
I experienced so much of the same. We both spoke about a family and children in depth when we met. Although neither of us were in a hurry, we both readily complemented the other and said we would make great parents. As he was splitting he totally twisted our previous conversations and said that I initially told him I never wanted children and now was changing my mind, putting him in a place in life he doesn't want to be. Creeped me out! That wasn't the only thing he twisted and combined with his impeccable "computer-like / file cabinet" memory, the twisting of previous conversations made me feel like I was totally losing it. Thanks so much for what you shared here. Very helpful!
So many wonderful comments here. This is a topic I struggle with daily, amongst many others. Someone here also mentioned taking on BPD traits ourselves and not even realizing it. I remember raging at times to meet his level. I remember slowly but surely carrying a toxifying level of negativity around with me. I didn't view the world as he did, react to it as he did, but definitely started to absorb his ways of going about life.
Also ironic what so many of you have mentioned about memories. Mine had an insane memory - could remember who he was sitting next to in 2nd grade, what the teacher was teaching, and just tons of crazy stuff just like that BUT stayed away from any and all details about his ex relationships like the PLAGUE. Part of me realizes I didn't push the issue of learning about his past relationships because I wanted to thrive in feeling like the "only" and "best" thing that had ever happened to him. I now feel foolish for not being more curious about his memories of past relationships.
Camuse, I had tears in my eyes as I read your post. So similar to what I experienced. The eyes that were so incredibly full of hope and promise at the start were so distant and empty at the end and on the rare occasions she would talk about what ailed her. The strange thing about my ex is that she majored in psychology and had been in therapy for 10 years. She was intelligent enough to know everything about her condition and yet she dropped everything and started going to a homeopath for her anxiety! I cannot believe that they could just forget about the great times and the great times were awesome, in our first few months together she was the happiest person in the world, as was I. But once they split you black I think they just dwell on negatives and as someone else said, put a wall around the good stuff.
What makes being with a BPD so heart breaking IMO, is that you know deep down there is a beautiful person, one that is capable of so much love like they gave at the start but the BPD controls them and they are powerless to stop that controlling them.
Thanks for your posts, and I'm pleased my experience resonated with yours - it's good to realise you aren't alone isn't it?
I sometimes think, if only it wasn't for the BPD everything would have been amazing. But then I remember that it was the BPD that led to her targeting me in the first place.
When we split, she immediately erased her thoughts of the good times. It was baffling. When I mentioned then she simply referred to the bad times - all instigated by her. I couldn't understand why she would not remember the amazing times. This site has helped explain it. It's very hard for others to understand what we went through, but when someone can recall every word you said, then twist it to match their feelings, you begin to literally lose your mind. It's scary.
I too wish I'd asked more about those past relationships. I suspect the truth was very different to how I heard it. Even the timescales don't add up. She hasn't been alive long enough to fit the relationships she described to me into her life. I'm a mathematician by trade and cannot understand how I didn't spot that. But I never gave it a moment's thought. It was all lies. It terrifies me how I turned such a blind eye to the truth when it was right there in front of me, related to me by herself.
She remembers everything, and I hope one day she finds the strength to stop running from the past and confront it. But tragically I know this is very unlikely. Many others are going to cross her path and suffer the same fate as I have and it is so so sad.
