I got this email...

[willy45]

Hi All,

I woke up this morning in excruciating pain. And got this email. Can someone please help me?

Dear Willy,

I am a little upset about how things were left yesterday. The truth is I never stopped loving you and never wanted to break up. But when you left and broke things off--I was so heartbroken after so many years of trying to make it work and things were so very broken--i came to the conclusion that I had to make my peace with the fact that no matter how much I loved you and wanted things to work out -- they didn't. And I tried. And I wanted so much for them too. But when things ended and at the time it was articulated as final and permanent I had to come to terms with the grief of letting go. And there was a lot to let go of. I really thought from the first days we dated until the end that we were meant for each other and we would grow old together. But no matter how much I wanted that-- the day to day practical stuff wasn't working, and it was terribly unstable and heart wrenching on a day to day basis for both of us. And to break it off, was the ultimate heartbreak. I cried every day, often for hours for months on end. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. It destroyed me. I thought I might never be able to function again. But slowly over time, I got stronger. Over time, I was able to feel emotions other than despair and sadness and hopelessness again. And eventually I was able to feel like a functioning human again. But it was excruciating, and traumatizing and heart wrenching. And it's taken me a long time to be ok again. It's not easy for me. None of it is easy for me. I spent the last year And a half in a relationship with a really lovely person who treated me really well and was kind and caring. Things didn't work out. He decided he couldn't live in the US long term and decided it was better to leave and break things off now. So  out of the blue told me it was over and packed everything up a few days later and left. No discussion. Done. But the truth is, there was a lot that wasn't great. We didn't share the same passions and he wasn't much for conversation. And nearly every day we were together I couldn't help comparing him to you and our relationshsip. But it could never live up to that. The conversation, the passion, the synergy, the love. They were not there. But there were other things that our relationship lacked that meant a lot to me, like physical and emotional stability (or at least I thought), dependability, adaptability, and I felt like a part of his family, who really liked me and made me feel like I had a nice stable family. I really wanted those things. They are important to me.

Listen, of course I've thought a lot about our relationship and what we shared. I think about it everyday. But I know that the relationship we did have disnt fulfill either of our needs, which is why we struggled so much. Both of us had emotional needs that were really not being met and for whateve reasons we couldn't work it out at the time. If I believed that we could be together, and repair the damage and hurt of the past, and meet those fundamental needs for each other-- I would in some hypothetical situation be open to being together.  Of course I would. But after everything that has happened, all the years of challenges, and the excruciating pain and loss of the break up and all of the aftermath - I don't even know of we can succeed in restoring a normal friendship. I desperately want to, because I miss you and miss having you in my life. And that is why I have been in contact. So, that's where things are at for me. I truly miss you. I would love to see you and spend time with you while you are in town. But, I don't want to do so at the expense of either of our emotional or mental well-being. I would like to get to a place where we can start over, be friends, visit, share ideas and cheer each other on and both feel good at knowing we are in each others life. That is what I am hoping is possible.

AND THEN I GET THIS OTHER EMAIL:

I also want to add that if this is too hard and just derails you emotionally then it's ok to just let it be. I don't want to disturb your relationship, or your peace of mind. I really want for you to be happy and enjoy life and be at peace. So--I will leave you alone. It is probably for the best. I apologize for disrupting your life. I will gracefully bow out.

[BuildingFromScratch]

She abused you man, she abused you. She doesn't know HOW to empathize or control herself. On top of that she isn't transparent or honest. Look at actions, not words. She goes from relationship to relationship in rabid desperation. She will not be stuck on you if you blow her off, she will go find some other sucker.

[willy45]

Good lord... .

This is in response to my agreeing to be friends but that it had to be at a distance and we could touch base every 6 months or so over email. She told me she just wants to be friends but that she wanted to see me when I was in town. I told her if she just wants to be friends, then what's the rush to see each other and that it was best for me right now to not do that. I told her I could do email catch ups every now and again and that was my limit. She seemed to agree.

ACK! HELP!

I am in an excrutiating amount of pain right now. Like, barrelled over with stomach pain.

[Infared]

She abused you man, she abused you. She doesn't know HOW to empathize or control herself. On top of that she isn't transparent or honest. Look at actions, not words. She goes from relationship to relationship in rabid desperation. She will not be stuck on you if you blow her off, she will go find some other sucker.

I agree with BFS, Willie. The ONLY reason you got that letter (if anything in it is true?), is because her supply up and left town!  I would be very, very wary of those letters, Willie. Don't be her Bandaid. I would stay away from her my friend... .You are waaaaay too sensitive (like me), and you will experience nothing but pain and confusion if you are around her. Please notice how much just basic contact is emotionally upsetting you. (I would be the same way.) If you go total NC you have a chance for some peace and self love. I am rooting for you, but I certainly would not judge you either way, Willie. I COMPLETELY identify with your pain... .you are in the thick of it right now. I feel for you.

[Visitor]

She abused you man, she abused you. She doesn't know HOW to empathize or control herself. On top of that she isn't transparent or honest. Look at actions, not words. She goes from relationship to relationship in rabid desperation. She will not be stuck on you if you blow her off, she will go find some other sucker.

I agree with BFS, Willie. The ONLY reason you got that letter (if anything in it is true?), is because her supply up and left town!  

Yep... agreed. You can see in the email that she has just been abandoned by her ex.

Dont fall for it.

[camuse]

This is a dangerous situation willy. Please promise us you will not reengage. This person has the power to literally destroy you and has no empathy for you at all. She needs you and will suck your soul again and throw you aside without hesitarion. Please don't mess up here. Wishing you strength my friend.

[Alex86]

Dear willy,

I have been told the same words during our last contact with my ex. All the excuses such as it wasn't meant to work, I wasn't enough for you, love isn't enough to work out etc... .All is bul@@. That is the truth. So let's analyse the email together.

I have counted 45 matches of the word "I" just to show you how selfish she is. I will be a little sarcastic, ironic and angry but please don't be offended, I believe it's for your own good.

Dear Willy,

I am a little upset about how things were left yesterday.

So she was "a little" upset and used YOU to let steam off and hurt you. Clearly she doesn't care for your feelings.

The truth is I never stopped loving you and never wanted to break up. But when you left and broke things off--I was so heartbroken after so many years of trying to make it work and things were so very broken--i came to the conclusion that I had to make my peace with the fact that no matter how much I loved you and wanted things to work out -- they didn't. And I tried. And I wanted so much for them too.

All excuses to play the victim. Things don't work out by themselves. R/s are hard but of course we all know that in her fantasy world all is to come easily in love. My ex also said she wasn't enough for me. Self hatred again or projection. I don't care. Maybe it was true she didn't have the capability to function in a love r/s except for a parent-daughter r/s. It doesn't matter now. Take a look at the staying board how people wish a real r/s and how alone they feel even in marriage.

But when things ended and at the time it was articulated as final and permanent I had to come to terms with the grief of letting go. And there was a lot to let go of. I really thought from the first days we dated until the end that we were meant for each other and we would grow old together. But no matter how much I wanted that-- the day to day practical stuff wasn't working, and it was terribly unstable and heart wrenching on a day to day basis for both of us. And to break it off, was the ultimate heartbreak. I cried every day, often for hours for months on end. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. It destroyed me. I thought I might never be able to function again. But slowly over time, I got stronger. Over time, I was able to feel emotions other than despair and sadness and hopelessness again. And eventually I was able to feel like a functioning human again. But it was excruciating, and traumatizing and heart wrenching. And it's taken me a long time to be ok again. It's not easy for me. None of it is easy for me.

Why does she tell you all these things? When my ex told me how hard was for her in a similar way I asked her: Have you really considered how difficult was for me?

Willy has she asked you this question? This is real care and empathy and not the above text trying to make an impression or show you how much she "loved" you.

Moreover, practical stuff works with discussion, compromise, patience and willingness, to deal with problems and be with you. It isn't such a great deal really. You didn't try to solve problems for example in quantum physics.

I spent the last year And a half in a relationship with a really lovely person who treated me really well and was kind and caring. Things didn't work out. He decided he couldn't live in the US long term and decided it was better to leave and break things off now. So  out of the blue told me it was over and packed everything up a few days later and left. No discussion. Done. But the truth is, there was a lot that wasn't great. We didn't share the same passions and he wasn't much for conversation. And nearly every day we were together I couldn't help comparing him to you and our relationshsip. But it could never live up to that. The conversation, the passion, the synergy, the love. They were not there. But there were other things that our relationship lacked that meant a lot to me, like physical and emotional stability (or at least I thought), dependability, adaptability, and I felt like a part of his family, who really liked me and made me feel like I had a nice stable family. I really wanted those things. They are important to me.

Willy she would find flaws in every r/s after the idealization phase. She wants everything. Everything in order to feel love and then again she would think something's not right. Look at her phrase again:"or at least I thought". She had an ideal r/s with you Willy. If not ideal let's say 80% because there is no perfect r/s but she destroyed everything and decided to be with another man.

Then LET HER BE. It's her decision. She had all the important things she wanted with you but threw them away. That's fine. It's not your problem and she has no right to play with you.

Listen, of course I've thought a lot about our relationship and what we shared. I think about it everyday. But I know that the relationship we did have disnt fulfill either of our needs, which is why we struggled so much. Both of us had emotional needs that were really not being met and for whateve reasons we couldn't work it out at the time. If I believed that we could be together, and repair the damage and hurt of the past, and meet those fundamental needs for each other-- I would in some hypothetical situation be open to being together.  Of course I would. But after everything that has happened, all the years of challenges, and the excruciating pain and loss of the break up and all of the aftermath - I don't even know of we can succeed in restoring a normal friendship. I desperately want to, because I miss you and miss having you in my life. And that is why I have been in contact. So, that's where things are at for me. I truly miss you. I would love to see you and spend time with you while you are in town. But, I don't want to do so at the expense of either of our emotional or mental well-being. I would like to get to a place where we can start over, be friends, visit, share ideas and cheer each other on and both feel good at knowing we are in each others life. That is what I am hoping is possible.

So after the replacement wants to be with you again. How much predictable. But do you trust her? She want you like a friend or a partner? I really don't understand what she wants and I suppose she doesn't either. She doesn't know what she wants. In the first part she says things couldn't work out and afterwards she misses you and wants to spend time with you. To say what? How good life is?

AND THEN I GET THIS OTHER EMAIL:

I also want to add that if this is too hard and just derails you emotionally then it's ok to just let it be. I don't want to disturb your relationship, or your peace of mind. I really want for you to be happy and enjoy life and be at peace. So--I will leave you alone. It is probably for the best. I apologize for disrupting your life. I will gracefully bow out.

She felt shame in the end after telling you all these and tried to step back. It was like she came to her logic seeing that she didn't really want to contact you but it was an impulse of the moment and a need to be with someone. So if you think she disrupts your life, (which clearly does) agree with her and stay NC brother.

That's what I did with my ex. It was a mutual decision which hopefully it will be respected.

[Infern0]

It's a wind up.

She wants your attention,  she's giving you enough crumbs to try and make you chase her. She wants you to entertain her,  persue her. She doesn't want you back, just back in her pocket.

If I was you I'd say "I don't have time to decipher your riddles,  what does that mean in english"

[willy45]

Thanks soo much guys. I really appreciate it. It is nonsensical. She wants me without wanting me. And yes. Who the f knows the truth. I think I do. She loves me deeply. She misses me terribly. But she doesn't have the balls or capacity to grow and be a healthy person.

Several red flags:

1) She had the stable family she always wanted with this guy. He was a vehicle to a stable family. But, she didn't seem to care for him that much. Her family is f'ed up.

2) He up and left in days without discussion. Sound familiar anyone? I wonder why? (Not really, I know why... .Probably the crazy came out and he was like 'holy sh&t I have to move countries ASAP to get away)

[camuse]

Sounds like this guy was a lot smarter than us. Keep strong willy, your post just shows what we are up against.

[Skip]

There is another way to look at this.  That its more or less sincere.  Not everything our exs do is evil.

Willy, you ended the relationship.

She has been advocating to be friends for months.  She was also upfront in saying that she was seeing someone else and even if she wasn't seeing someone else, her interest is friendship only and to stay in touch.

That's pretty straight.  She lives in another town, so being friends can't mean too much.

To me this seems like a classic "no contact" gone wrong.  The "no contact", itself, is now the drama.  

~  She is not wanting to be rejected like a leper (and she probably likes the adoration)

~  You'd like to reignite the relationship, she doesn't, and you feel victimized by everything she does or doesn't do

~  Wrestling over the "no contact" terms has taken on a life of its own and become its own drama.

Set her free.  Stop trying to control how she acts toward you.  That's what frustrating you.  Let her do her thing.

There is a reasonable likelihood if you stop trying to control how she acts toward you and adopt (for yourself) the value/boundary to not engage her in any discussions about the romance, all will resolve itself.

She has incredible power over you - if she mails you a cupcake, it rocks your world. She's not taken this power from you - she may not even want it - you're giving it to her.

Stop.  I know you really want her in some ways and don't want her in others.

Set her free. Set yourself free.

[Visitor]

There is another way to look at this.  That its more or less sincere.  Not everything our exs do is evil.

I would agree that this is sincere but only because she has suffered rejection. I would speculate that this guy broke her heart. After years of Willy boosting her ego this guy didn't take her crap and left very suddenly. She is left with a very bruised ego and now wants Willy back (temporarily) to provide her with comfort in this difficult stage and reboost her ego.

Heart break/bruised ego is a very lonely phase and this is when a recycle is very likely to happen.

[Skip]

Who the __ knows the truth. I think I do. She loves me deeply. She misses me terribly. But she doesn't have the balls or capacity to grow and be a healthy person.

Willy, I don't think this is it. 

She was living with another man - she emotionally moved on.  He left her and she is reconnecting with others in her life.

There is lots of "gray" here. 

Does she love you deeply?  I  think when a women takes another man into her home, we can say no.  Does she have feelings for you.  Yes.  She has always tried to stay connected.

Does she misses you terribly. I think visitor has it right.  She's suddenly alone.  You a safe person.

Heart break/bruised ego is a very lonely phase and this is when a recycle is very likely to happen.

You both are vulnerable to this now.

[freedom33]

This could have been written by my ex. Same style. Same pretence of concern. Romantic tragedy tones etc. etc. Infantilising you... .

It is scary how similar this letter is to similar ones I have received. SCARY!

KEEP AWAY DUDE.

DONT EVEN READ THEM

DELETE DELETE DELETE!

[Caredverymuch]

Hi All,

I woke up this morning in excruciating pain. And got this email. Can someone please help me?

Dear Willy,

I am a little upset about how things were left yesterday. The truth is I never stopped loving you and never wanted to break up. But when you left and broke things off--I was so heartbroken after so many years of trying to make it work and things were so very broken--i came to the conclusion that I had to make my peace with the fact that no matter how much I loved you and wanted things to work out -- they didn't. And I tried. And I wanted so much for them too. But when things ended and at the time it was articulated as final and permanent I had to come to terms with the grief of letting go. And there was a lot to let go of. I really thought from the first days we dated until the end that we were meant for each other and we would grow old together. But no matter how much I wanted that-- the day to day practical stuff wasn't working, and it was terribly unstable and heart wrenching on a day to day basis for both of us. And to break it off, was the ultimate heartbreak. I cried every day, often for hours for months on end. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. It destroyed me. I thought I might never be able to function again. But slowly over time, I got stronger. Over time, I was able to feel emotions other than despair and sadness and hopelessness again. And eventually I was able to feel like a functioning human again. But it was excruciating, and traumatizing and heart wrenching. And it's taken me a long time to be ok again. It's not easy for me. None of it is easy for me. I spent the last year And a half in a relationship with a really lovely person who treated me really well and was kind and caring. Things didn't work out. He decided he couldn't live in the US long term and decided it was better to leave and break things off now. So  out of the blue told me it was over and packed everything up a few days later and left. No discussion. Done. But the truth is, there was a lot that wasn't great. We didn't share the same passions and he wasn't much for conversation. And nearly every day we were together I couldn't help comparing him to you and our relationshsip. But it could never live up to that. The conversation, the passion, the synergy, the love. They were not there. But there were other things that our relationship lacked that meant a lot to me, like physical and emotional stability (or at least I thought), dependability, adaptability, and I felt like a part of his family, who really liked me and made me feel like I had a nice stable family. I really wanted those things. They are important to me.

Listen, of course I've thought a lot about our relationship and what we shared. I think about it everyday. But I know that the relationship we did have disnt fulfill either of our needs, which is why we struggled so much. Both of us had emotional needs that were really not being met and for whateve reasons we couldn't work it out at the time. If I believed that we could be together, and repair the damage and hurt of the past, and meet those fundamental needs for each other-- I would in some hypothetical situation be open to being together.  Of course I would. But after everything that has happened, all the years of challenges, and the excruciating pain and loss of the break up and all of the aftermath - I don't even know of we can succeed in restoring a normal friendship. I desperately want to, because I miss you and miss having you in my life. And that is why I have been in contact. So, that's where things are at for me. I truly miss you. I would love to see you and spend time with you while you are in town. But, I don't want to do so at the expense of either of our emotional or mental well-being. I would like to get to a place where we can start over, be friends, visit, share ideas and cheer each other on and both feel good at knowing we are in each others life. That is what I am hoping is possible.

AND THEN I GET THIS OTHER EMAIL:

I also want to add that if this is too hard and just derails you emotionally then it's ok to just let it be. I don't want to disturb your relationship, or your peace of mind. I really want for you to be happy and enjoy life and be at peace. So--I will leave you alone. It is probably for the best. I apologize for disrupting your life. I will gracefully bow out.

Oh willy.  How sorry I am for your angst on this. You've been here awhile doing your work. And of course everyone here knows the love we had in our hearts for our ex's. Despite knowing so much now about the disorder.

Please dont bite. This woman has tremendous emotional control over you. Didnt you recently post you were suffering panic attacks as an aftermath of much? I believe you also posted you were seeing someone now and it is a fulfilling r/s.  And that your ex knew this too.

Do you see the obvious push pull even in these two emails?

Do you see the reality in that pBPD NEED and cannot be alone? And what a coincidence your ex presently is. 

If you are like me, I was left to deal with all my emotions and heartache and to gain recovery from the trauma and to gain understanding of BPD and myself while my expBPD carried on with another too.

Although your ex might mean what she is saying. In the moment.  This is HER moment.  This is HER need to reach out for to alleviate  HER anxiety.  This is her disorder Willy.

I know its tempting. I wouldn't bite.  This r/s has damaged you enough.  Like mine has for me . I gave the disorder back. There's nothing good that will come from a recycle. Can you really be friends with someone who has such hold over you? 

Be in wise mind my friend.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Willy -

My ex did almost the exact same thing -- about let's "start over" with a friendship, get to know each other, blah, blah, blah.  I finally went NC (Like you, I had initiated contact with her).  Please consider the following... .

1.  It's going to take your heart (emotions) a much longer time to catch up with you head (rational mind) -- give your heart time to do that instead of giving your heart back to her.  I broke up w my exBPD last May/June.  I was a disaster, and I mean a broken disaster.  I finally went NC (again) this last May after actually (like you) considering being friends.  She was lying to my face about so many things even though we were friends.  It was a set-up to try to pull me in and supply.  She knew I couldn't resist.  Willy, I'm finally doing better because I'm NC and giving my heart time to heal -- I'm taking care of my heart and it is catching up finally with my head.  Try to give yourself a full 6 mos of NC and see how you feel -- during that period invest in you and your life w/o her.

2.  Try to consider all the things that are not in the email ... .remember who you're dealing with here.  The email triggered your emotions and desires which are linked to your idealized version of her (what you want her to be vs who she really is).  You have to fill in the blanks for yourself to reframe who she really is.  Think about all the things that likely happened in all the time she was with the your replacement -- lying to him, cheating on him, triangulating him with others ... .aren't you happy this wasn't you for the last 18 mos?  You owe it to yourself to reframe who she is in your head with the truth of what you know about her.

3.  Finally, I agree with Skip and it is painful - she doesn't love you.  Somehow you have to find a way to accept that.  She tells you that she loves you - they don't feel love because they don't know how.  Your definition of love and hers are totally different things.  Willy - people who love each other treat their friends, family, partners etc... .with respect, care, compassion, concern, honesty.  

Good luck, friend!

[Infared]

Quote from Pheonix:

"Willy - people who love each other treat their friends, family, partners etc... .with respect, care, compassion, concern, honesty."

This is helping me so much. I still miss the idealized version of my ex. The real person was cheating on me and ran off a wk before Xmas and left me in our home feeding her cats a putting up "our" Xmas tree alone.

She does not love me. She does not miss me. Yet she still tries to walk up to me. (I.don't allow it.)

I still miss her, but I have healed enough to not ever talk to her again. How could I love myself and even have a conversation with the real person after the way she treated me?

Willie, if a friend had been through what you have been through, what would you tell him to do?

When I was able to love "myself" enough I knew that that friend was ME! And I have no trouble telling myself what to do when I see her headed my way. I take care of me.

It's a process, Willie... .it takes time. please don't listen to ANY of her words. Look at her actions. She is EXTREMELY self-centered.

[Rifka]

Oh I'm sure he will find us soon and join us in our similar stories and horrible journeys and pain of escape!

I'm starting to believe nobody escapes the traumas of the exBPD.

How is it that every bodies stories are the same, with possible different exes?

I find it disturbingly interesting!

I also would like somebody to tell us a shorter version of getting them the hell out of our heads.

Didn't we suffer enough in the relationships that there should be a easier way to tuck them away in our minds, short of a labodomy?

Mine was 9 months, I would like to be over this ASAP! I just made 1 week nc and almost 1 month broken up on sept 3rd.

I will be out dancing tonight to celebrate week 1 towards my recovery! I'm reclaiming me!

[willy45]

Hi all. Thank you so much for all the responses.

Just by way of clarifying... .because I think the details are important.

1) She reinitiated contact. She called me every day for five days straight. A few months ago I told her very clearly that her contact hurt me and that out of respect for me, to stop.

2) she is the one that started all the romantic talk about never finding someone who loves her like I did, how much she misses me, how I am her soul mate.

3) I was asking her what she wanted because this was confusing me that she tells me all these things and only wants to be my friend.

4) the email she sent was in response to my agreeing to be friends with her if that is all she wanted but why visit now, what's the rush?

5) she flipped out on me, told me I was being mean for not wanting to visit (I told her we could be friends) and I explained to her that it was just too hard for me to visit because my feelings were to strong for her and it would hurt me.

Then I got the email she sent. Do I want to reignite things with her? Maybe deep down I wish she was a different person without mental illness. Do I want to do that to the detriment of my life and current relationship? No.

I think my falling down point her is that I do love her very very deeply. I miss the same things as her. I feel the same way she feels. I just can't seem to understand why then we can't just talk it out, admit we made mistakes, and try again. I guess the thing I am not accepting is that she has a personality disorder and is not capable of owning what she did wrong (rage attacks, emotional blackmail, guilt, verbal abuse). She just keeps blaming me for leaving. And that is the overarching lens through which she sees things. I left her because she raged at me all the time. And I suspected was cheating on me for years with random dudes. But I left because of the rage. My T has been trying to get me to accept that she abused me for years.

Point being, I guess I can't seem to accept that she has BPD (or at least heavy traits) and that is why anything more for me is possible.

And I can't seem to accept that she will leave me alone. I have never once initiated contact.

Blah. Is this email confusing or am I just reading too much into it?

Thanks for listening.

[freedom33]

I really feel sorry for you. You are well into it. And that letter. It is very damaging to read something like this. Full of hooks.

I found this useful. Have a read through it.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

[freedom33]

I miss the same things as her.

No you don't - what she misses changes every few hours or days at best

I feel the same way she feels.

No you don't - as per previous comment. Her feelings change by the hour.

I just can't seem to understand why then we can't just talk it out, admit we made mistakes, and try again.

I think here you provide your own answer 'I guess I can't seem to accept that she has BPD (or at least heavy traits) and that is why anything more for me is possible.'

[merm49]

AVOID AVOID AVOID

But you already know that.  The emails look almost exactly like those I received from my ex, who had wanted me to contact her after a month of NC I initiated.  I didn't.  I then got a couple of very long emails pledging her undying love for me, calling me unforgettable, saying she wanted to fix things, what we had was precious, and was hoping to maybe get back together if the ship hadn't already sailed... .the 2nd email mentioned some of her dates, but she still didn't feel anything with them... .when I responded and said I'd meet her, but didn't like some of the FOG I was seeing, I began to see the same patterns in her subsequent emails.

How did things turn out? Well, the night before, day of finally meeting with me in person she slept with somebody else... .and lured me into her apartment to grab an umbrella (it was raining) so that I could see the evidence and provoke a confrontation.  I maintained my composure, but was called cruel for the way I made her feel simply via my visage and incredulity at her behavior.

They will always, always recycle you and i know she will contact me again, probably relatively soon... .we're in the same MA program and live like 10 minutes walking away from each other.  It takes the world simply not to give in, or reach out to her, or whatever. 

Stay strong brother... .let this community be your supporters, and keep telling yourself that you know she's disordered, you don't want to go back to the emotionally abusive/tumultuous r/s no matter how much you miss her, and frankly, you deserve better.

[freedom33]

The emails look almost exactly like those I received from my ex, who had wanted me to contact her after a month of NC I initiated. 

I thought the same thing when I read it. Fantasy/fairy tale land writing style.

[willy45]

Holy cow. So, I took her up on her offer of NC. Told her I just couldn't be friends with her. That I found it too hard. She responded with this:

I am in an unbelievable amount of pain. Like barrelled over gut wrenching pain. I am so worried I f'd up my current relationship. I feel so confused. A month ago I felt on top of the world because I thought she was never going to contact me again. I felt great. Now this again. A month ago, I wanted nothing to do with her. Now I am in the same kind of pain as before. An incredible amount of grief. I don't get it. I feel manipulated. I told her when she called that I didn't want to be friends, that I didn't even want to communicate. I just fell for all the guilt and shame again. And got sucked back in.

On to grieving. Again.

[myself]

On to grieving. Again.

You took many more steps forward than backwards, so you're farther along than may seem apparent while you're caught in FOG and grief. You've seen that No Contact with her was better for you. Accept it. Do it. It's what works, you've already lived it. When you write about where in the past you'd like to return, it's most often been NC without her, not back in the r/s. Focus on that. It's more painful now because it's raw again. The truth can hurt, and also heal. You can bring about positive changes for yourself, and you are.

[Caredverymuch]

Holy cow. So, I took her up on her offer of NC. Told her I just couldn't be friends with her. That I found it too hard. She responded with this:

I am in an unbelievable amount of pain. Like barrelled over gut wrenching pain. I am so worried I f'd up my current relationship. I feel so confused. A month ago I felt on top of the world because I thought she was never going to contact me again. I felt great. Now this again. A month ago, I wanted nothing to do with her. Now I am in the same kind of pain as before. An incredible amount of grief. I don't get it. I feel manipulated. I told her when she called that I didn't want to be friends, that I didn't even want to communicate. I just fell for all the guilt and shame again. And got sucked back in.

On to grieving. Again.

Willy, this is why NC is imperative if you want to fully detach.  Why do you continue to engage? It seems you've made your intentions very clear. I know it sounds harsh but NC is a boundary we place around ourselves. Its the boundary that says my emotional health matters more than your need based behavior/ manipulations matter. 

NC for me means none. No matter what.  Every time I feel the pain in missing, I come here and read the threads on breaking NC. If I had even found even one that gave me the hope it gets better rather than worse, I would have broken NC many times.  The missing was that great for me as it is with so many here too.  I couldn't find even one such experience that showed me differently.

Im so sorry for your pain today as such, willy. I know we have to go back as many times as we need to until we are done.  As we here know, each time we go back and take the bait,  it halts healing and provides so much more pain.

My expBPD has not been there for me once in my immense pain. In the many times I tried to gain closure over the last year.  In the many months I had to do so much healing entirely alone.  In goes against the very nature of who I am as a genuinely caring person, but he no longer will get any reaction from me in any way if he tried.   None. Bc I know far better.  And I know what will happen.

[ajr5679]

I received the same email and I went back after two years of nc. because. I wanted my drug she left me again in the same way she did the last. time even on the same day. the only difference this time is that I would not allow her to clean the house. I kept everything this time.

[willy45]

Thanks Caredverymuch.

I know. I feel like an idiot. The stupidest thing is that I didn't ever want to hear from her. I mean, really. I was free. I wasn't checking these boards anymore. I felt great.

I took a haul off the poison gas. I'm glad she didn't want me back. I might have given in. I think that is why I felt such terror. I knew her hold on me is too strong. I would have ditched everything. Thank god I didn't bite on the let's be friends and see later what happens. Good lord.

And I didn't even enjoy talking to her. There is nothing that I liked. Really. My love for her isn't for her at all. I miss the sex that was sometimes awesome. That's it. Otherwise she was a total pain in the a$$. And in the two conversations vwe did have, I thought she was needy and miserable and kind of gross and scary.

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

[drummerboy]

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

This is perhaps the most succinct line I've ever seen written about surviving a BPD relationship. To use an IT analogy, they are vapourware. Amazing software that is promised but never arrives.

The day I started to realise that the person I "fell in love" with was nothing but an illusion was the day I started really getting over the whole mess.

[Infared]

I am grieving someone who doesn't exist! I was on the edge of destroying my life for someone that only lives in my mind. Now, who is the crazy one?

This is perhaps the most succinct line I've ever seen written about surviving a BPD relationship. To use an IT analogy, they are vapourware. Amazing software that is promised but never arrives.

The day I started to realise that the person I "fell in love" with was nothing but an illusion was the day I started really getting over the whole mess.

+1000