Please help: any advice is welcome

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My husband and I are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary (been together for 11 years), and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful children (daughter 6, son 2, and daughter 1).  My husband has BPD with bipolar and depression.  He is a high functioning BPD and is very successful in his career, but all the negative comes out at home.  Typically, the focus of all his negativity is aimed at me, but I know our children have to absorb what's going on around them.  I have noticed that now that our oldest is 6, he is beginning to treat her like he does me (which gives the impression that us being around is an inconvenience for him).  Obviously, my biggest concern is that he affects our daughter's self esteem.  She still seems like a happy kid overall, but I'm noticing a subtle withdrawal and hearing stories from my babysitter how she hides under the piano when my husband comes home (particularly if he's in a bad mood).  Our 2 year old son is stand-offish with my husband and will only say hi or goodnight to him from a distance.  Our 1 year old will go to him and want loving which, of any of our children, he puts on the best show for her.  However, he spends no time with any of them (I tell those who know our situation that I'm a single parent; I just happen to be married).  All of the responsibility of the children (raising, care, babysitting coverage, etc) lies on my shoulders.  A normal day for us is when my husband comes home, he goes directly into the computer room.  He never eats with the rest of us (he eats in the computer room or he'll go upstairs to our bedroom).  He spends all his time alone and is agitated by any noise the kids make.  I'm a professional musician, and I don't feel free to play any instruments (piano, harp, guitar, etc) because I know it will bother him.  A lot of times, if he's on the 1st floor, the kids and I will be on the 2nd floor (and vice versa).  By nature, I am a very bubbly and positive person, but he is the exact opposite (a normal expression is a scowl, and a lot of the time, the only time he laughs is when he's watching tv).  My most fervent prayer is that our children take after me and not him.  Things got really bad 5 years ago, and I almost left with our daughter.  I gave him an ultimatum to get help or we'd walk.  He did seek counseling for a few months (which did help), but he's gone back to being nasty, pick fights all the time, and generally being a very hard person to love/live with.  I recently told him I couldn't take living like this anymore, so he has gone on meds and has met with a counselor once (whom he said he liked but is now taking about switching because of scheduling conflicts).  I've seen this cycle before (behavior getting bad to where he gets help for a while then stops).  Given he has no relationship as a father to our children (nor did he have much contact with his other 3 children from a previous marriage), I'm not sure what to do here.  I'm tired of the cycle where to blows up, then he apologizes, and our kids have to endure it.  I'm heartbroken because I do love my husband and have supported him in every endeavor (although he hasn't reciprocated).  I'm at a loss here and not sure if I should give up for good.  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks for reading this and God bless.

[Rosedove]

My husband and I are coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary (been together for 11 years), and we have been blessed with 3 beautiful children (daughter 6, son 2, and daughter 1).  My husband has BPD with bipolar and depression.  He is a high functioning BPD and is very successful in his career, but all the negative comes out at home.  Typically, the focus of all his negativity is aimed at me, but I know our children have to absorb what's going on around them.  I have noticed that now that our oldest is 6, he is beginning to treat her like he does me (which gives the impression that us being around is an inconvenience for him).  Obviously, my biggest concern is that he affects our daughter's self esteem.  She still seems like a happy kid overall, but I'm noticing a subtle withdrawal and hearing stories from my babysitter how she hides under the piano when my husband comes home (particularly if he's in a bad mood).  Our 2 year old son is stand-offish with my husband and will only say hi or goodnight to him from a distance.  Our 1 year old will go to him and want loving which, of any of our children, he puts on the best show for her.  However, he spends no time with any of them (I tell those who know our situation that I'm a single parent; I just happen to be married).  All of the responsibility of the children (raising, care, babysitting coverage, etc) lies on my shoulders.  A normal day for us is when my husband comes home, he goes directly into the computer room.  He never eats with the rest of us (he eats in the computer room or he'll go upstairs to our bedroom).  He spends all his time alone and is agitated by any noise the kids make.  I'm a professional musician, and I don't feel free to play any instruments (piano, harp, guitar, etc) because I know it will bother him.  A lot of times, if he's on the 1st floor, the kids and I will be on the 2nd floor (and vice versa).  By nature, I am a very bubbly and positive person, but he is the exact opposite (a normal expression is a scowl, and a lot of the time, the only time he laughs is when he's watching tv).  My most fervent prayer is that our children take after me and not him.  Things got really bad 5 years ago, and I almost left with our daughter.  I gave him an ultimatum to get help or we'd walk.  He did seek counseling for a few months (which did help), but he's gone back to being nasty, pick fights all the time, and generally being a very hard person to love/live with.  I recently told him I couldn't take living like this anymore, so he has gone on meds and has met with a counselor once (whom he said he liked but is now taking about switching because of scheduling conflicts).  I've seen this cycle before (behavior getting bad to where he gets help for a while then stops).  Given he has no relationship as a father to our children (nor did he have much contact with his other 3 children from a previous marriage), I'm not sure what to do here.  I'm tired of the cycle where to blows up, then he apologizes, and our kids have to endure it.  I'm heartbroken because I do love my husband and have supported him in every endeavor (although he hasn't reciprocated).  I'm at a loss here and not sure if I should give up for good.  Any advice is welcome.  Thanks for reading this and God bless.

[Tiepje3]

I think you know the answer... .You don't want to go through another cycle. You don't want to expose your kids to this behaviour. You don't like the way life is for you right now. You even describe yourself as a single mom. You do everything in and around the house.

You're soo much stronger than you think you are. You are already doing it!

I have decided to leave (was just visiting this board) and you know what, the heartache is immense, but the feeling of freedom, and doing what I was already doing (taking care of everything AND everyone) helps me through the day.

You are worth so much more than this.

[half-life]

I have an idea for you. You are a professional musician. You need to practice. So let's come up with a sensible schedule. Let's say 2 hours a day in the evening for 5 days a week. Tell your husband you are going to do this. And absolutely do not budge no matter what he says. That's because you have every right to do what you are going to do. It needs to be about your need and not his. He married a musician wife. Of course she is going to practice. Image what a normal husband would have said? "Of course honey, you should get back to practice more. When I am working on my computer I prefer to be quiet. I think I'm going to close the door and probably put on a headset so that I can get a bit of work done." That's how it should resolve normally. Don't negotiate and don't take anything less.

If it feels like picking a fight maybe there is a little bit of it. The problem is we are very used to give in to appease the BPD. You give in, they are still angry. Then you give in more and more and it still never make them happy. At the end you find yourselves with no space left. So this is an exercise to reverse the unhealthy relation and ask more for yourself because you deserve it.

If by asserting yourself you end up wracking the marriage, then perhaps it is a blessing in disguise.