really struggling

[Mrs. Hyde]

I am really struggling right now.  I am so depressed and confused about how I feel. I am trying to deal with the grief of my relatio ship ending, my husband having an affair and a custody battle that will likely be the fight of my life and last for years and years.

I have an 8 week old baby.  I received temporary custody and my soon to be ex is required to have supervised visitation until a psych eval is done.  He requested seeing the baby from 5-930 seven days a week.  He wanted his mother to be the supervisor. That is not going to work.  He called and wants to see the baby and my father tells me that he needs to wait until an agreement is reached by the lawyers regarding the schedule.  My lawyer kind of left it up to me using mg comfort level as a gauge.  It has been 8 days since he saw the baby.  Nothing will be resolved at least until Tuesday because of labor day.  I'm torn because a part of me wants to take the baby to see his dad and part of me knows that is not good.  Like I forget why I have the temporary custody in the first place.  My dad will be pissed and he already is because he sees me vacillating.  My heartstrings are being pulled in a big way and I am really questioning myself... .minimizing my exes behaviours and my interpretation of the behaviors. 

I don't want to come off looking like I'm trying to alienate the baby but no agreement has been reached yet.

If I call my ex and try to allow him to have time my dad will be pissed and the court will probably say why do you need temporary custody.   Yesterday my exes sister texted me and said... ."what time can my mom and I come over to see the baby tommorow". She sent me 3 text messages and an email which were all really friendly... .reminding me that we need to get pancakes and that she wishes I could have joined her at the pool with the baby... .and that remember that she can babysit.  BIZARRE considering where I'm at right now.  Its like they are bullying me too.   I am staying at my dads and I feel safe but my ex was awarded an ex parte motion restraining me from leaving our marital home.  The reason why is because he moved into the house next door so he will be able to see my comkngs and goings.  I told my lawyer that I'm not comfortable in that situation considering that he is restrained from coming onto my property.  Its all about control.  So far I am on to stay at my dads because I haven't been served yet but come Tuesday I will be forced to move back into the marital house.

I guess I am struggling because we are only 6 days into this and already my head is spinning.  It is amazing how my ex and even his family are being unreasonable and inappropriate.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated... .I feel really depressed and scared right now... .it is consuming me

[catnap]

I do feel for your situation, you are being pulled in so many directions right now.  Yes, allowing your H to see the baby, especially when initiated by you is sending mixed signals.  

As to your husband's family wanting to see the baby this weekend have your replied?  Part of me is thinking that the push to visit was instigated by your H.  Is this the norm before you filed or something new?  

I am staying at my dads and I feel safe but my ex was awarded an ex parte motion restraining me from leaving our marital home.  The reason why is because he moved into the house next door so he will be able to see my comings and goings.  I told my lawyer that I'm not comfortable in that situation considering that he is restrained from coming onto my property.  Its all about control.  So far I am on to stay at my dads because I haven't been served yet but come Tuesday I will be forced to move back into the marital house.

I would check with my L on this--was the Judge aware that your stbx was moving in next door?  

Some thoughts regarding your marital home:

Have a reputable company check for hidden video cameras and microphones.*  Have a locksmith re-key or change locks on all exterior doors, including the door that accesses the house from the garage.  If you can afford, have a security system installed.  If there is an existing security system, change codes and notify the company of your new circumstances.  Talk to someone in authority at your local police station to let them know what your situation is.  They may be able to recommend someone to sweep your house for surveillance hardware.  Is your Dad going to stay at your house?  

*I debated about including this because you are already under a strain, but would hate if it was discovered weeks later.  In my state, Texas, it is legal to install a hidden video recorder or microphone with a recording device in a home/apartment you lease or own.  

[Matt]

Well for the stress and depression, there are some things you can do to manage it.

(All stuff I learned the hard way, by the way.)

Make sure you spend as much time as possible with family and close friends who can give you good support.

Talk with "peers" - people who have been through similar stuff - like us here.

See a counselor or experienced member of the clergy, who can give you practical advice and help you understand what you are experiencing.

Cardiovascular exercise every day - about 30 minutes - fairly vigorous.

Regular sleep - about the same time every night.  Not too much or too little.

Regarding visitation and other legal issues, it sounds like you believe you should take it slow and be careful, but you're maybe feeling a little guilty because you wouldn't like it if you couldn't see your child for more than a week.  That's reasonable.

Maybe it would help to just write your husband a very brief not - not trying to resolve anything - just let him know that you will work with your attorney to get visitation set up as soon as possible but unfortunately it's a three-day weekend and your attorney won't be available til Tuesday.  If he writes back, maybe arguing to settle it without the attorneys, you don't need to respond to that - your only purpose is to let him know that you are committed to setting up visitation soon.

I think working the schedule out through the attorneys is wise, and I think you are right to expect professional supervision, not a family member.  There is a reason why supervision is needed, and a professional should know how to do it right.  (But watch out - some places that do supervision like this don't do it carefully - check the place out and ask about the credentials of the person who will be supervising.)

Regarding his family, it sounds like you're not comfortable being around them right now.  Again, a very short note might make you feel better - "Thanks for your thoughts but I'm not comfortable with that right now.  Things should be better soon." or whatever would express your view - but again, don't get into an argument, just state how it is right now, and stop.  Or if you're not comfortable doing that, then don't - you are not obligated to respond to them at all.

Go with your best judgment.  Take things a day at a time.  Take care of yourself and the child.  Make sure you don't lash out or say anything you will regret.

[catnap]

(But watch out - some places that do supervision like this don't do it carefully - check the place out and ask about the credentials of the person who will be supervising.)

Excellent idea.  Google for supervised visitation. 

[Matt]

(But watch out - some places that do supervision like this don't do it carefully - check the place out and ask about the credentials of the person who will be supervising.)

Excellent idea.  Google for supervised visitation. 

I don't have any experience with this myself, but we've had various experiences from other members here who used professional, court-appointed supervisors.

Often they are very professional and know how to do the job right.

But a few times, the person assigned is inexperienced or weak, or uses poor judgment, and there are problems.  And you don't need more problems right now.  So as Catnap says, use Google, recommendations from your attorney, or whatever, to find someone you can be confident in;  make sure to meet the person who will be doing the supervision (not just their boss) and decide if it is somebody who is up to the job.

[Mrs. Hyde]

Thanks for all the great advice

Just going to take things one day at a time

[ForeverDad]

He requested seeing the baby from 5-9:30 seven days a week.

Absolutely ridiculous!  Why?

• He's asking for some 14 exchanges a week!  That is simply far too many.



• He's asking for daily visits, apparently including weekends.  No court would grant that.  Consistently a part of just about every family court's standard schedules - assuming reasonably normal parents - is that the non-primary parent never gets all weekends.  (Usually it's alternate weekends or sometimes adding the 5th weekend of a month   But if there are sufficient issues then it could be even less than half.



• He's asking for fairly long visits, I've never heard of visits as late as 9:30, 9 pm is the latest I've ever heard.  And for an infant it might not be even that late.

While I've been told it's not really standard, my county's published Guideline Parenting Schedule for children under 3 years of age was a short alternate weekend and two visits in between with the (reasonably normal) non-primary parent.  It was recently revised and is a shorter alternate weekend and three visits in between with the non-primary parent.  So in effect a reasonably normal non-primary parent without issues or concerns would get to see the child about once every 3 or 4 days.

So my suggestion... .Don't let him put you under pressure or guilt you.  That is out biggest worry and concern for you right now.  What he asked for is far more visits than what even a reasonably normal unsupervised non-primary parent would get. 

You have significant concerns at the very least and apparently the court does agree to put restrictions on his parenting at least until they check things out.  Take advantage of that current concern.  I think two supervised day or evening visits of 2-3 hours per week is more than sufficient for now.  I don't think the court would criticize you for setting such a limit to length and frequency.

As for the results in court, a poor psychological evaluation alone may not be enough to get court to continue to restrict his parenting, actual poor behaviors would be probably what prompts the court to keep restrictions in place.  A common example given is one regarding alcoholism.  A parent may be an alcoholic, yet that alone does not say a person would be a poor parent requiring limits to be set.  However, if the alcoholic also rages, abuses or drives while intoxicated then that would put the safety of the child at risk.  The typical concerns of courts and children's agencies are child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.

[GaGrl]

Yes, what ForeverDad said... .

I'm concerned about that the court has granted his ex parts without full disclosure that your ex would be next door. Get your lawyer onto solving this ASAP. It has too much potential for volatility.

[ForeverDad]

my ex was awarded an ex parte motion restraining me from leaving our marital home.  The reason why is because he moved into the house next door so he will be able to see my comings and goings.  I told my lawyer that I'm not comfortable in that situation considering that he is restrained from coming onto my property.  Its all about control.

I must have overlooked this.  The only reason I can think for the court to order this is that he alleged you would try to leave the court's jurisdiction and disappear?

Do you have a protection order requiring him to stay a certain distance from you?  Or is it all just about the baby?  If so, is he to stay a certain distance from the baby?  If so, then his ex parte order would conflict with your ex parte order.

How close is next door?  50 feet or 500 feet?  If fairly close, would it make sense to return to court to seek a protection order requiring him to stay a certain distance away, saying you don't feel safe with him residing next door?  I agree with Gagrl, the lawyers need to resolve this somehow, this guy sounds very sneaky and cunning, it may be that you need to seek your own order keeping him away from you.

Yes, it is about control, and very likely this shows there is nothing he will not do to get his way.

Dr Carver's website has a lot to say about Controllers, losers, users and abusers.

[catnap]

I, too, wonder what in the world with the husband next door. . .I am beginning to think you need to be VERY firm with your attorney on your objectives.  You told him you were uncomfortable with it--did he offer any solution? 

[Mrs. Hyde]

Yes yes yes... .he is controlling and cunning and diabolical

Yes... .I am freaked out about the fight ahead of me. 

I did tell my attorney that I am uncomfortable with him living next door and that I want to move.  The other issue is that the house is not even finished it is still a construction zone.  There is no siding on the house no furnace no window treatments or shades on huge windows and sliding glass doors... .no sense of privacy at all. 

I agree that I have to be firm because he will continue to try to manipulate me and the courts as well.  I feel scared.  Thanks for the advice and encouragement.  It really helped me.  I need to hear these things.  It helps to clear the fog I get into when he pulls on my heartstrings.

I am going to go to the house to take pictures and I will email my attorney stationg why I am not comfortable  with him so close... .thank you so much for helping to strengthen my backbone!

[whirlpoollife]

Yes yes yes... .he is controlling and cunning and diabolical

Yes... .I am freaked out about the fight ahead of me. 

Mrs Hyde, I relate , my x2bh is just that. I didn't divorce for so long ,27yrs, because of the FOG and fear of him. He lived me five months after my filing for divorce. At that time he manipulated me so much , with "my attorney said so".  My in law family turned their backs on me.

It is all very scary.

 

I'm torn because a part of me wants to take the baby to see his dad and part of me knows that is not good.  Like I forget why I have the temporary custody in the first place.

I don't want to come off looking like I'm trying to alienate the baby but no agreement has been reached yet.

"... wants to... ."  "... .knows that... ."    Go with your gut feeling not the FOG feeling.

Right now if h had baby 100% of the time and you got to see baby 1hr, he would say you are trying to alienate baby from him.  I felt the same in the beginning, when I told h that I did not want to be married to him anymore, I said that I am not taking the kids away from him, that he will still see the kids, he will still be their dad, etc. ... .what did he do to me in return?... .he fought for full custody because I was "mental" , got the kids their own L, GAL, who was convinced from h, and who told me , in the courthouse, that kids do not want to live with me anymore. (I was a 24/7 mother,  no separation till they went to school).

You have a newborn, my kids are teens, so it's different , but now is not the time to be nice to this type of pwPD. 

Take heed of the senior members advice, they have had and still help me.

[Matt]

It sounds like there was some bad communication.  Maybe the judge didn't understand that your husband is next door.

Usually it's best to follow a court order to the letter, but if you do not feel safe living next door to your husband - and you can say very clearly why - I think you have the option to find another place nearby.  You can't run far away so you are outside the court's jurisdiction, but you can live somewhere you feel safe, and explain it to the court - "My husband moved in next door and I don't feel safe because in the past he did X and Y and Z.  So I took the child to stay with family nearby."  I don't think the judge will hold that against you.

Your lawyer should be helping you communicate with the court, so the court orders are helpful.  He should know the best way to get the court order modified - maybe file a motion to change just a few words.

[ForeverDad]

I did tell my attorney that I am uncomfortable with him living next door and that I want to move.  The other issue is that the house is not even finished it is still a construction zone.  There is no siding on the house no furnace no window treatments or shades on huge windows and sliding glass doors... .no sense of privacy at all.

If the house does not yet have a Certificate of Occupancy, that would be another reason to object to being forced to live there.  Of course, you'd been living there before, something he would claim, but that was before and this is now with him somehow next door.

However, if it turns out you do have to live with the current orders, it might be good to invest in sheets or whatever to hang over the windows.  That would sure sound strange in court, "Your Honor, the house is still unfinished and with us separated and with him moved in right next door I had to hang sheets to make sure he wasn't watching me."

This also begs the question, do you jointly own the home or just one of you?  If it is his property and you have no financial interest in it then you could also say you're uncomfortable being forced to live in a house he owns.  You need to also think ahead to the long term issues as well, how you'll financially unwind the relationship.

[catnap]

Another thought on the house--will it be completed?  Cooler months ahead-- no furnace. Is there a way for you to contact the builder and ask for an estimate when the house will be finished?  Your H may have cancelled any further work.