Have you ever been tempted by another person?

[Tired_Dad]

A month after my son was born my BPDw withdrew from physical intimacy and slowly withdrew further by sleeping on the couch, then into a seperate bedroom and eventually leading to a separation. Before she moved out of the house I had some unwise emotional connections before the separation, and I did not and do not feel guilty about them. At the same time she was seeing her own "boyfriend" and constantly justifying it to me as that he needed her, that she didn't see him that way, that if I only smoked pot she wouldn't need to spend time with him, that we only kissed, to the day she was in tears and dissasiociative ranting about if she slept with him she might be able to be intimate with me again... .WHAT? So with all that crazy stacking up in front of me I was not worring about flirting and eventually kissing this woman and I do not reget it to this day as it let me know that I had value, and when she did leave I did have a physical relationship with an old fling and it was what I needed to shake the BPDw wife off of me leaving me open to the healthy relationship that I entered into and enjoyed for the time it lasted until unfortunately it ran it's course.

During that time I felt free, alive, loved, and I was able to show affection to someone and not have it thrown back at me or outright rejected. After we eneded it, mostly because I was not divorced and it bothered her but for other reasons also, my BPDw ended up coming back into the circle of family events as my mother started inviting her (she's old and hard-core Catholic) and she wasn't being as crazy and was being very contrite. She realized that I was perfectly content in my life without her and that I wasn't chasing her anymore.

Fast forward about 6 months and we ended up being intimate, a few months later she moved back home and it was very nice and then like a fog the separating behaviors have come back in... .Diverting kisses, pushing away contact, sleeping with a pillow between us, sleeping with her own blanket (note: I told her flat out if she wants to sleep on the couch or in another room that she will have to move out again and we will be getting a divorce as that is my non-negotiable line) and sex ended again about 3 months ago snd I don't see us making our way back as every day it's gone her anxiety about it is growing.

Bottom line to me is that I should've divorced her while she was out of the house, and if I had any idea about BPD or the issues that I have had to face with her before marriage I would not have stayed with her. Physical contact is important to our health and our sanity and I am being very true this time around as this is the last effort that I am mentally capable of giving this marriage. I will not go another sexless year without intimacy focusing on her mental issues while my stress and anger with her and myself rise. I didn't meet this woman, fall for her, have a child with her and go through all of the trials that we have been through just to have house mate that buys a few groceries here and there and does dishes once in a while.

So, as you can all tell I'm frustrated. Mostly because I'm letting myself get hurt again, and because I'm realizing that this really is the do or die point of this marriage. I'm hoping for the best, but the patterns of behavior are far to clear for me to see us making it if she is unable to meet me even 1/4 of the way.

OK... .end rant.

[upsidedown_world]

Ongoing tempted.

BPDw has even said "I wouldn't blame you if you did", on several occasions.  I'm not falling for that bait, but it's nice to be recognized during a rare moment of non-BPD lucidity.

I find myself wondering what "drivers" contribute to this "ideation".  Obviously the need for SANITY is one.  To "be" in the presence of another without being in emotional bondage.  The desire for authenticity that has been sacrificed, for whatever reasons (for me, it's been sacrificed to try to preserve family and keep trying).  Also, grass looks pretty damn green everywhere if you're in a #%$& desert.  Finally, the idea of surgically removing the sex hook by having a "normal" sexual and emotional connection elsewhere is very tempting - the idea being that it would lead to clarity of thought and weighing things at home with BPDw accurately without the complicated sexual "infiltration" on various levels.

A woman friend that I know and admire from work is openly very friendly with me (compliments, hugs, chat, occasional walks), we inadvertently discovered that we have a certain ease of relationship, much like old friends - but of course we never were.

Back to the desert analogy, I think many of us are dying a slow death of thirst.  We crave water.  The terrain we've been walking, and maybe now crawling across is parched and destructive.  Mirages play cruel tricks and give us fleeting hope, only to be crushed in the unrelenting heat of the very nature of the desert itself.  When we perceive an oasis of life flourishing elsewhere, is it any wonder we want for it?

Tossing another aspect out there for consideration and if it seems cruel, it's not meant to be, nor is it meant to be construed as justification for my own actions or lack thereof... .  this is NOT meant to be "dark", it's just a postulation.

The idea of "marriage" as a joining of two individuals and "oneness not to be forsaken" is a product of Western culture and religion.  The stark reality is that you cannot "join two to be one" with someone with BPD, because they are NOT actually an established individual to begin with.  Instead they're a shape-shifting, adaptive consciousness in survival mode that "appears" to be a cohesive individual merely because of the separate physical body that they inhabit.  Therefore, I would submit for consideration that marriage to someone suffering from this condition, by definition, is actually nothing more than a ruse and a piece of paper, since it lacks one of the mandatory ingredients required.  I suppose I should let the lawyers play with that one.

[Succotash]

I have been married to my uBPDw for almost 33 years and have had two affairs during that time.  Like many other stories I see here the BPD starting showing around year two and by year ten I found normalcy and intimacy in the attraction and subsequent affair that lasted six months.  Out of shame and guilt I had to make a decision and I decided to end the affair and try harder with my uBPDw. At this point we had children and I did not want to put them through a divorce yet I honed and perfected my enabling / codependency skills to a science. Four years ago I let it happen again, this time with an old friend who is also a professional T who “understood” how horrible my wife was, offered compassion and intimacy and I was ready for that kind of interaction... I let it happen again. That was short lived and my kids were the one to find the text and showed  it to uBPDw...    The relationship was broken off and my uBPDw and I decided to work through the marriage problems, after all, 29 years and the kids at home gave much to think about.

Things were great for a few months then the anger, raging and abuse resumed but now I had provided an ammunition battery for her F.O.G.   It got, and still is very bad. The next 3 ½ years I went nowhere by myself, I had to be accompanied by at least my kids, including work.  I have no friends outside the house to talk to now and my youngest is a few weeks from turning 18. I can tell you now that just because I was in a bad relationship that was in no way a good reason to ever involve myself on an intimate level with anyone other than my uBPDw. I am responsible for the hurt I caused my wife and my children and I would give anything if I could undo that, but that will never be possible. I have apologized and mended my relationship with my kids, and I am thankful for their forgiveness.

I never quite understood the relationship I had with uBPDw until I found this website. How I wish I could have learned about BPD and codependency three decades ago and I know things would have been very different. I know I am not responsible for her, but I am 100% accountable for me and the bad decisions I made along the way. I am learning to like and respect myself, to set boundary’s to protect myself and not engage and fuel the BPD behavior. Finding comfort and intimacy in another human is easy as we crave what is missing our relationship in pwBPD. That is our nature. My advice from someone who has been there, done that is don’t.  It does nothing for the real issues and no good will ever come from it.

   My 2 cents worth.