Advice here on how to handle this

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my wife and I had gotten along pretty well for a few days which included my birthday.  Now my wife went out on Tuesday night with a friend after her mandated DWI class.  She had a drink she said at her house and said she was going to stay the night.  I said I understood.  The next morning she came home. The kids already knew she was drinking and that was why she wasnt home.  I didnt want to tell them and my wife said not to, but they are smart they knew and joked about it.

That day, she asked if I was going to have off Labor Day.  I said I was not, and working until 3 pm.  Suddenly she goes into a rage and blasts me all day at work.  She kicks me out of the house and I been gone every since.  She says I have to compromise in order to come back, but I do not understand this compromise because she does not admit any fault for anything.  No fault for DWI recently, no fault for verbal abuse, and she just claims she has changed and I have not.  I feel I have changed.  I have no friends left, I stay away from family, I spend my free time with her and what she wants to do nearly all my time.  I stopped trying to control the finances and let her try which racked up $40k in credit card debt in 1.5 years.  

She has been cleaning, but is about to start her first JOB as she considers it next week.  She says that I HAVE to take more time off or I cannot come back.  I had cut back from 53 hour weeks to 47 hour weeks but I still am working 75% of Saturdays which she hates from 9 to 3.  I am cause I am next in line to take over family business.  I do not believe in asking employees to do what I would not do.

Currently with our lifestyle... I need to make about $120k a year to maintain it.  I am making $100k.  Over 25% of my income goes to my wife's treatment.  Between medical for the family and taxes over half my income is gone.  My wife who just graduated college is looking to bring in maybe $2k a month.

The way I figure it, my only option to cut back work hours is to get another job.  The problem is with my resume as self employed, and family business (I work two busineses)... means

a. i lose out on opportunity of a guaranteed $300k a year job

b. between self employed and marketing job, trying to find a 6 figure job that also is in this town, has work hours closer to 40 hours a week 5 days a week, AND does not require travel is going to be a bit hard to find.  

I just do not know what I can do.  I gotta make the money because my wife is demanding upward mobility and she says she cannot provide anymore than what she is.

What do I do?  Am i working to much and need to let it go, and if so what can I possibly do to keep her?  Is she demanding too much and putting me in an impossible win situation and things will never be good

I should point out that her therapist has said she is verbally abusive still even if her physical abuse has ceased.

Any thoughts?  I want my family... .I do not want to give up everything I know for a pipedream though of a happy family

So then the problem arises, I get left because I cannot support the family I have.  I have cut back all my expenses personally with the exception of gym membership and a $30 a month for self like a snack etc.  

[hurthusband]

So my wife and I had gotten along pretty well for a few days which included my birthday.  Now my wife went out on Tuesday night with a friend after her mandated DWI class.  She had a drink she said at her house and said she was going to stay the night.  I said I understood.  The next morning she came home. The kids already knew she was drinking and that was why she wasnt home.  I didnt want to tell them and my wife said not to, but they are smart they knew and joked about it.

That day, she asked if I was going to have off Labor Day.  I said I was not, and working until 3 pm.  Suddenly she goes into a rage and blasts me all day at work.  She kicks me out of the house and I been gone every since.  She says I have to compromise in order to come back, but I do not understand this compromise because she does not admit any fault for anything.  No fault for DWI recently, no fault for verbal abuse, and she just claims she has changed and I have not.  I feel I have changed.  I have no friends left, I stay away from family, I spend my free time with her and what she wants to do nearly all my time.  I stopped trying to control the finances and let her try which racked up $40k in credit card debt in 1.5 years.  

She has been cleaning, but is about to start her first JOB as she considers it next week.  She says that I HAVE to take more time off or I cannot come back.  I had cut back from 53 hour weeks to 47 hour weeks but I still am working 75% of Saturdays which she hates from 9 to 3.  I am cause I am next in line to take over family business.  I do not believe in asking employees to do what I would not do.

Currently with our lifestyle... I need to make about $120k a year to maintain it.  I am making $100k.  Over 25% of my income goes to my wife's treatment.  Between medical for the family and taxes over half my income is gone.  My wife who just graduated college is looking to bring in maybe $2k a month.

The way I figure it, my only option to cut back work hours is to get another job.  The problem is with my resume as self employed, and family business (I work two busineses)... means

a. i lose out on opportunity of a guaranteed $300k a year job

b. between self employed and marketing job, trying to find a 6 figure job that also is in this town, has work hours closer to 40 hours a week 5 days a week, AND does not require travel is going to be a bit hard to find.  

I just do not know what I can do.  I gotta make the money because my wife is demanding upward mobility and she says she cannot provide anymore than what she is.

What do I do?  Am i working to much and need to let it go, and if so what can I possibly do to keep her?  Is she demanding too much and putting me in an impossible win situation and things will never be good

I should point out that her therapist has said she is verbally abusive still even if her physical abuse has ceased.

Any thoughts?  I want my family... .I do not want to give up everything I know for a pipedream though of a happy family

So then the problem arises, I get left because I cannot support the family I have.  I have cut back all my expenses personally with the exception of gym membership and a $30 a month for self like a snack etc.  

[enlighten me]

My ex wife ran up massive debts. I spoke to her about it got her to stop spending and cut back on everything. While I thought I was making headway she had opened up more store accounts and ran up many thousands of pounds behind my back.

I hate to say it but the only way Ive found of taking back control of finances with both my uBPD exs was to leave them.

The problem with BPD is that they work on what happens now and don't really look to the future or back to the past. The fact you have debt and need to cut back so you will have security in the future will not be seen as her running up the debt and will not be seen as having a better future. It will only be seen as you've cut back her money so you are punishing her. The fact she ran up the debt will be your fault for not being better with your money.

What saddens me is how like you I went without so they could have whatever they wanted. I even missed meals as I felt selfish for having them.

You need to restore the balance. Marriage should be an equal partnership.

Im sorry I cant see an easy solution to your problem and can only speak for myself as to what I would do and did.

[hurthusband]

My ex wife ran up massive debts. I spoke to her about it got her to stop spending and cut back on everything. While I thought I was making headway she had opened up more store accounts and ran up many thousands of pounds behind my back.

I hate to say it but the only way Ive found of taking back control of finances with both my uBPD exs was to leave them.

The problem with BPD is that they work on what happens now and don't really look to the future or back to the past. The fact you have debt and need to cut back so you will have security in the future will not be seen as her running up the debt and will not be seen as having a better future. It will only be seen as you've cut back her money so you are punishing her. The fact she ran up the debt will be your fault for not being better with your money.

What saddens me is how like you I went without so they could have whatever they wanted. I even missed meals as I felt selfish for having them.

You need to restore the balance. Marriage should be an equal partnership.

Im sorry I cant see an easy solution to your problem and can only speak for myself as to what I would do and did.

yea months ill lose 10 lbs because I am either scared to eat and them get mad or scared to spend money... im only 160 lbs as is...

[enlighten me]

Its one of the hardest things to see while in a BPD relationship. Your own self neglect.

I really feel for you as I have been there with two different women. The last one though I managed not to let it go as far as my situation finally triggered me that it was just like being with my ex wife. But it took a long time for the fog to lift.

[MissyM]

Hurt, I have to wonder how much of this has to do with her night out?  It sounds like classic projection.  She ran off and spent the night out and then accuses you of neglecting her.  I would not give into this demand.  My dBPDh left last night furious because I was upset over him ogling women (he is also a sex addict and this is relapse behavior for him).  He has not contacted me or the kids but will claim I have abandoned him.  This is how they are when in their diseased thinking, they do something and project it upon the spouse.

[hurthusband]

If it is her... she is so sick.  She is incapable for handling herself and taking care of herself.  I cannot also leave her with kids to be hurt.

So then what.  I do not know what reality of hers is real and what is not. One of us is wrong, and it could be me.  Not like I come from perfect family.  I mean I loved my childhood, but nobody is perfect.  I certainly have my problems

I do not know how she can make it alone neither.  I mean, she is capable for sure, but I could see a meltdown.  I am also scared of what she will do to me or herself.  I have done some things that I am not proud of to protect her, and she has threatened to use those against me and basically take us both down out of anger.  Not revenge for leaving her, but revenge for her hurting or not giving her what she feels she deserves which pretty much drains me of any future. 

[MissyM]

So then what.  I do not know what reality of hers is real and what is not

.  I would think that would be the first thing to work on.  Figuring out your own reality and truth.  It can become very muddy when living with someone with BPD.  I find alanon and therapy really helpful.  Since she obviously has an alcohol problem, alanon might be a good resource.

As for the threats, God I hate that!  My dBPDh has made many threats and followed through on quite a few of them.  It is tough to deal with that.  I try to prepare for those happening.

[hurthusband]

yesterday i was being driven nuts... she kept texting me at work and driving me nuts.  I literally was going insane trying to work and answer her.  I told her I was going to have a mental breakdown and I just couldnt talk anymore.  She of course took that as she wasnt important.  I turned off my phone for an hour.  I turned it on and apologized for losing control, but that is it.

About an hour later I get a text back saying "ok, lets have dinner tonight".  THAT IS INSANE!  how do you go from having so much hate towards me, and speculating anything nice i say is some more deep evil meaning to that.

O well. better than arguing i suppose

[MissyM]

The spewing of venom is horrific. My dBPDh was doing that yesterday.  I texted him that I wasn't going to be available for a while, hoped he would call his therapist and then I blocked him for a couple of hours.  He took the time to partially calm down, go to a 12 step meeting and go to therapy.  It took a marital therapy session today for him to get it all out.  He says he feels better after he "lets all of that negativity out."  Problem is he is dumping it on me and then I feel bad.  He has got to come up with a better way to manage his feelings.

[hurthusband]

The spewing of venom is horrific. My dBPDh was doing that yesterday.  I texted him that I wasn't going to be available for a while, hoped he would call his therapist and then I blocked him for a couple of hours.  He took the time to partially calm down, go to a 12 step meeting and go to therapy.  It took a marital therapy session today for him to get it all out.  He says he feels better after he "lets all of that negativity out."  Problem is he is dumping it on me and then I feel bad.  He has got to come up with a better way to manage his feelings.

yea its so confusing.  Last night she gets home about 11 pm... we laying in bed talking for 45 minutes... i nod off momentarily... I mean I have work the next day early morning... its nearly midnight... She of course says she doesnt feel cared for by me when I do that.

I have explained to her numerous times that bed is not the best spot for me to talk because if its late I might doze.  Its hard for me, I am happy to talk elsewhere, but not there.  O well

[Boss302]

You're probably where I was about five or six years ago. Your wife is clearly out of control emotionally, but you can't control her. Now what?

The good news is that I feel you coming to a place where you can't deal with the crazy anymore. It feels awful, but take it from me: it's actually a good place. It's the place where change begins, because coping isn't working. Either she will change her behaviors, or you will have to start making some decisions about your future with her. It's scary as hell, but this is actually a good place to be.

Concentrate on YOU for a while. If you're not in therapy, start seeing one immediately. You need a safe place to sort out your emotions, and that place is NOT with your wife.

This is going to be a journey for you, whether you stay or leave.

[Grey Kitty]

You have some good advice here already... .and more important than what I'm going to say, but I do have $.02 to add:

It sounds like your wife is demanding you spend more money than you make... .and demanding that you cut back your working hours at the family business.

You mentioned the possibility of cutting back your hours... .and get a second job to make more money.  DO NOT DO THIS FOR YOUR WIFE. (If it makes sense for you for other reasons, consider it.)

Your wife is making conflicting demands on you that do not match with any possible reality. If you jump through a flaming hoop and burn your nuts when you get stuck, trying to do all these things she demands, she can (and most likely will) find a way to take everything out on you, and blame you for everything. You just cannot make her happy this way, and she will not give you credit for doing what she asks... .since she still will be crazy, and still won't be happy... .and will still try to blame you for whatever she is feeling.

[Boss302]

Your wife is making conflicting demands on you that do not match with any possible reality. If you jump through a flaming hoop and burn your nuts when you get stuck, trying to do all these things she demands, she can (and most likely will) find a way to take everything out on you, and blame you for everything. You just cannot make her happy this way, and she will not give you credit for doing what she asks... .since she still will be crazy, and still won't be happy... .and will still try to blame you for whatever she is feeling.

Yep. My BPDx got herself tossed in jail on felony theft charges. When the cops picked her up, she was with our daughter, who was about 7 at the time. I ended up notified at work. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what to do (like I knew how to bail someone out of jail). When I got there with the bail bondsman, all she said was "what took you so long?"

I think that was the beginning of the end.

[hurthusband]

Your wife is making conflicting demands on you that do not match with any possible reality. If you jump through a flaming hoop and burn your nuts when you get stuck, trying to do all these things she demands, she can (and most likely will) find a way to take everything out on you, and blame you for everything. You just cannot make her happy this way, and she will not give you credit for doing what she asks... .since she still will be crazy, and still won't be happy... .and will still try to blame you for whatever she is feeling.

Yep. My BPDx got herself tossed in jail on felony theft charges. When the cops picked her up, she was with our daughter, who was about 7 at the time. I ended up notified at work. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what to do (like I knew how to bail someone out of jail). When I got there with the bail bondsman, all she said was "what took you so long?"

I think that was the beginning of the end.

I have been very lucky to not face that yet fortunately.  My wife has done similiar things though.  She was drunk and pilled up one night, broke into what was possibly a million dollar home, vandalized it with things about debt, came home with a noose around her neck.  I went to the house the next day and got in touch with the owners to make things right but hid the fact it was my wife saying it was a mentally unstable nephew who had come to stay with me.  Paid for everything.  To make matters worse she lost our engagement ring I bought her 2 months earlier while doing that.

Then I found out couple of years later she went to buy meth with her son in the car...

She had been in a car accident on xanax and drinking after picking up kids from school...

She finally got a DWI this summer... which was first time the authorities got involved.  Maybe if something had been done years earlier things would be different.

Also, I am not thinking about getting a second job because I am working 2 jobs now

A hard part about leaving is what happens to her and the kids.  She cannot support them all on her income.  The debt is so high on me I cannot afford to support myself AND them in two seperate households.  I do not really like the thought of having to live at my parents AND support a household I am not involved with.  It really isnt fair.  The kids are totally screwed in all of this.  While she is messed up, her parents are a primary reason for all of this.  They had messed up her mind so thoroughly and still do.  No love, no compassion, and just demeaning to her.  Now her mother has what appears to be terminal cancer and is still mean while my wife hurts.  BPD is like being a quadrapalegic.  They didnt ask for it and I am not sure if they can get better.  It doesnt help that my wife was raised by hateful parents that taught her to despise everyone and religion so she does not even have that to fall back on.

No friends, no real family, no higher power to trust in... AA does not work for her because she feels that the people in there are just replacing alcohol addiction with addiction with the program.  I have to agree that it seems like that.  I mean its a better addiction that alcohol, but I can see the frustration with it.  Therapy she goes through, but DBT makes it hard because its soo expensive - over $1k a month which adds to the debt and adds to the stress of bills, and not being able to do more with our lives which she desperately wants

Now I guess I am rambling excusing her behavior and how can I *fix* things.  I really messed myself up

[Boss302]

Your wife is making conflicting demands on you that do not match with any possible reality. If you jump through a flaming hoop and burn your nuts when you get stuck, trying to do all these things she demands, she can (and most likely will) find a way to take everything out on you, and blame you for everything. You just cannot make her happy this way, and she will not give you credit for doing what she asks... .since she still will be crazy, and still won't be happy... .and will still try to blame you for whatever she is feeling.

Yep. My BPDx got herself tossed in jail on felony theft charges. When the cops picked her up, she was with our daughter, who was about 7 at the time. I ended up notified at work. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what to do (like I knew how to bail someone out of jail). When I got there with the bail bondsman, all she said was "what took you so long?"

I think that was the beginning of the end.

I have been very lucky to not face that yet fortunately.  My wife has done similiar things though.  She was drunk and pilled up one night, broke into what was possibly a million dollar home, vandalized it with things about debt, came home with a noose around her neck.  I went to the house the next day and got in touch with the owners to make things right but hid the fact it was my wife saying it was a mentally unstable nephew who had come to stay with me.  Paid for everything.  To make matters worse she lost our engagement ring I bought her 2 months earlier while doing that.

Then I found out couple of years later she went to buy meth with her son in the car...

She had been in a car accident on xanax and drinking after picking up kids from school...

She finally got a DWI this summer... which was first time the authorities got involved.  Maybe if something had been done years earlier things would be different.

Also, I am not thinking about getting a second job because I am working 2 jobs now

A hard part about leaving is what happens to her and the kids.  She cannot support them all on her income.  The debt is so high on me I cannot afford to support myself AND them in two seperate households.  I do not really like the thought of having to live at my parents AND support a household I am not involved with.  It really isnt fair.  The kids are totally screwed in all of this.  While she is messed up, her parents are a primary reason for all of this.  They had messed up her mind so thoroughly and still do.  No love, no compassion, and just demeaning to her.  Now her mother has what appears to be terminal cancer and is still mean while my wife hurts.  BPD is like being a quadrapalegic.  They didnt ask for it and I am not sure if they can get better.  It doesnt help that my wife was raised by hateful parents that taught her to despise everyone and religion so she does not even have that to fall back on.

No friends, no real family, no higher power to trust in... AA does not work for her because she feels that the people in there are just replacing alcohol addiction with addiction with the program.  I have to agree that it seems like that.  I mean its a better addiction that alcohol, but I can see the frustration with it.  Therapy she goes through, but DBT makes it hard because its soo expensive - over $1k a month which adds to the debt and adds to the stress of bills, and not being able to do more with our lives which she desperately wants

Now I guess I am rambling excusing her behavior and how can I *fix* things.  I really messed myself up

You need to get as far away from this person as possible - this is EXTREMELY toxic behavior.

[hurthusband]

i mean it has been 11 years... the drugs and pills and break ins, suicide attempts are all over 5 years old.  The anger and rage though has increased.  Mainly towards me.  Before it was much of her being a victim.  Now it is her being a victim but then abusing me.  After which saying its cause I am not good enough and cause her to behave that way

[MissyM]

Hurt, yes abusing from the victim is my dBPDh's favorite play.  Not thinking of himself as a victim is a huge challenge.

[Grey Kitty]

The anger and rage though has increased.  Mainly towards me.  Before it was much of her being a victim.  Now it is her being a victim but then abusing me.

Here is the hard truth about this: When she does this, it gives her relief from her own horrible feelings. And it has a huge cost to you--it really tears you down.

As long as you allow her to get what she needs at your expense, she will probably continue to do it. My guess is that rather than staying the same, the intensity of anger and rage aimed at you will continue to grow if you don't change the situation.

If you refuse to stay there and accept the abuse, she will have to find another way to cope with her own feelings (besides taking them out on you). That change won't be easy for either of you.

In my case, the results were good for both me and my wife. Others here have had their r/s end when they stopped accepting abuse, however, I don't know of any who regret the change.

I feel safe in saying that you will be better and happier for it if you can do this. Your wife may someday thank you for it as well, but that is up to her, not you or me.

I wish you the strength you will need... .whatever choices you make.

 GK

[hurthusband]

How did i end up in this situation is a good question... I mean how did i find this needle in a haystack ugh