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[Parents! Get help here!]

It's  3 am. My 16-year-old daughter does not sleep.  Ever.  It's normal, but when she compounds her anxiety about something pending (like the first day of school), she insists that if she is not sleeping, it's heartless and cruel for anyone to sleep. I feel her anxiety rolling off her in waves and she is panicked like a caged animal.  I love her so much. Her sadness and panic are frighteningly palpable  I can't believe she can live like this.  In addition to probable BPD, she suffers from a severe anxietydisorder --and depression, and just plain meanness.

At least she's not in a full blown rage, which is usual for 2am, but we have already explained to her this afternoon that if she wants to hurt herself, we might want to visit the he emergency room. That always pisses her right off --but it is a litmus test to see if  she will stop the rage or if she's really gone outer limits.  Usually, she'll turn it off like a faucet.  Earlier today she tore through the house  screaming she was suicidal, breaking things, slamming doors, telling us all to f-off, and just generally doing her "no one here feels my pain" thing, (Oh, believe me, she makes sure we feel it), She scared her brother and sister senseless. Luckily, we live in the country and there aren't any neighbors close enough to witness her.   She ended her first rage (of 3) by throwing a can of coke at my car windshield as I left to take her little brother shopping for lunch box goodies. (Direct quotation: "You stay here, mom, you stupid b$&@h! You know I have abandonment issues when you leave, you dumb c$&t.  You will not go until I am done with you!". After reading Eggshells, I've learned to calmly (I do my best here)  explain that I need a break for me, and I leave without duplicity or fanfare for a half hour or so.  While I was at the store, herfather watched her smash things in the garage with a sledgehammer until her hands Hurt.  Apparently, hitting the mower was satisfying, but smacking the cement walls was painful. 

Add to  all this the fact the started Adderall over the summer (a different story) and the amphetamines fuel her rages like never before. She's classic BPD, yet we can't even get her properly diagnosed. Four drs suggested it, but the processes always breaks down due to her young age, long waits for appointments, and her refusal to talk.   She's been in the hospital 4 times and is always released after 3 days when she convinces the drs she is "out of crisis." After each hospitalization, she will go to a few appointments with someone, but she refuses to help herself or do anything.  We are all the screwed up ones who cruelly put her in the hospital. ( She has put herself there with cutting, suicide attempts, drug binges, and violence at home). By the time she finishes telling doctors and therapists to f-off, they pretty much have her figured out and actually refuse to schedule any more appointments.  Rightfully so --she won't participate in therapy. She just wants pills. I always feel like the drs are relieved to see her go and they give me a "good luck with that" knowing smirk and a new script for some useless sSRI as they wash their hands of us and put us on the blocked call list. My husband and I are exhausted --this has been 3 full-on years, with the last 2 being the absolute worst. As she gets older, parental say in her treatment diminishes as the age of legal consent for treatment  in Canada is 16.  It's horrible.  She lies in treatment, manipulates everything, and and honestly has outwitted most therapists she's seen. She is a nasty "therapy snob" and will only see PhDs --preferably psychiatrists who will prescribe more pills. MSWs are beneath her. Even her "stupid parents" have Master's Degrees because "we were too stupid and lazy to get doctorates or good professional degrees." (Did I mention she thinks we are stupid? )Any ideas how we can get her to see her to seek treatment? We can't do another school year of this!

[Tides]

It's  3 am. My 16-year-old daughter does not sleep.  Ever.  It's normal, but when she compounds her anxiety about something pending (like the first day of school), she insists that if she is not sleeping, it's heartless and cruel for anyone to sleep. I feel her anxiety rolling off her in waves and she is panicked like a caged animal.  I love her so much. Her sadness and panic are frighteningly palpable  I can't believe she can live like this.  In addition to probable BPD, she suffers from a severe anxietydisorder --and depression, and just plain meanness.

At least she's not in a full blown rage, which is usual for 2am, but we have already explained to her this afternoon that if she wants to hurt herself, we might want to visit the he emergency room. That always pisses her right off --but it is a litmus test to see if  she will stop the rage or if she's really gone outer limits.  Usually, she'll turn it off like a faucet.  Earlier today she tore through the house  screaming she was suicidal, breaking things, slamming doors, telling us all to f-off, and just generally doing her "no one here feels my pain" thing, (Oh, believe me, she makes sure we feel it), She scared her brother and sister senseless. Luckily, we live in the country and there aren't any neighbors close enough to witness her.   She ended her first rage (of 3) by throwing a can of coke at my car windshield as I left to take her little brother shopping for lunch box goodies. (Direct quotation: "You stay here, mom, you stupid b$&@h! You know I have abandonment issues when you leave, you dumb c$&t.  You will not go until I am done with you!". After reading Eggshells, I've learned to calmly (I do my best here)  explain that I need a break for me, and I leave without duplicity or fanfare for a half hour or so.  While I was at the store, herfather watched her smash things in the garage with a sledgehammer until her hands Hurt.  Apparently, hitting the mower was satisfying, but smacking the cement walls was painful. 

Add to  all this the fact the started Adderall over the summer (a different story) and the amphetamines fuel her rages like never before. She's classic BPD, yet we can't even get her properly diagnosed. Four drs suggested it, but the processes always breaks down due to her young age, long waits for appointments, and her refusal to talk.   She's been in the hospital 4 times and is always released after 3 days when she convinces the drs she is "out of crisis." After each hospitalization, she will go to a few appointments with someone, but she refuses to help herself or do anything.  We are all the screwed up ones who cruelly put her in the hospital. ( She has put herself there with cutting, suicide attempts, drug binges, and violence at home). By the time she finishes telling doctors and therapists to f-off, they pretty much have her figured out and actually refuse to schedule any more appointments.  Rightfully so --she won't participate in therapy. She just wants pills. I always feel like the drs are relieved to see her go and they give me a "good luck with that" knowing smirk and a new script for some useless sSRI as they wash their hands of us and put us on the blocked call list. My husband and I are exhausted --this has been 3 full-on years, with the last 2 being the absolute worst. As she gets older, parental say in her treatment diminishes as the age of legal consent for treatment  in Canada is 16.  It's horrible.  She lies in treatment, manipulates everything, and and honestly has outwitted most therapists she's seen. She is a nasty "therapy snob" and will only see PhDs --preferably psychiatrists who will prescribe more pills. MSWs are beneath her. Even her "stupid parents" have Master's Degrees because "we were too stupid and lazy to get doctorates or good professional degrees." (Did I mention she thinks we are stupid? )Any ideas how we can get her to see her to seek treatment? We can't do another school year of this!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Tides

I am so sorry your dd is struggling right now. She sounds so much like my dd17. My dd started school last week and she was a nervous wreck too. I have meds for her when she has more anxiety... .viseral (sp) I gave it to her the couple to days leading up to school. It helped but she was just so nervous. After the first day of school things have gotten better. she is coping. What I see is your dd is not coping or even trying. Have you looked at alternative schools? They have an online school K-12 that is good. I know having your dd at home is not the best option but sometimes it is best. There are also school with reduced hours etc... .charter schools?

Lack of sleep is going to equal more crazy behavior... .can you talk to someone about sleep meds for her. My dd17 was on adderall too and not only did she not sleep she didn't eat either. Still wears a size 0 jeans. What meds is she on? If the adderall is making things worse then why don't you stop that med? What is she taking for mood? Have you found a DBT therapist? I found a T for my dd two years ago and it has made a big difference now that she has someone she can talk to... .sometimes we just need to keep looking.

If my dd was running around the house raging and saying she was suicidal I would have taken her to the ER... .is there some reason you are not doing this?

Tides these teens years are going to be the toughest but things get better in time... .my dd has reduced her raging a great deal... .it is not completely gone but better. I have seen many improvement with my dd17 and sometimes things just get worse before they get better.

Does she have a 504? The school should be able to help you. Maybe they can reduce her work load or hours. Just get her through the first day and things will be better. Hang in there.

[HealingSpirit]

Hello Tides,

I'd like to join Jellibeans in welcoming you to our family.

Your DD also sounds a lot like my DD17.  My DD cuts and rages too, and she has had a lifetime of anxiety.  When she was a freshman, her anxiety got so bad, she actually dissociated several times a day with these strange trance-like seizures, only they turned out not to be seizures. (Thankfully.)  Still, it is so hard to deal with the anxiety our DD's present in different, dramatic ways.

I hear your exhaustion from it all.   I agree with Jellibeans, maybe she needs a med adjustment, one that is less stimulating, and something to help EVERYONE in your family sleep.  That is such a difficult situation!  God knows, we parents need OUR sleep to be in good form when dealing with our BPD offspring.  I really feel for you!

I hope you are able to look into alternative schooling for your DD.  I may be reading between the lines, but it sounds like she is extremely bright and a perfectionist.  Sometimes, the stress of traditional school is just too much for a highly sensitive, dysregulated teenager, which means everybody in the family suffers too.

Let us know how it goes.  I'm glad you found us!

[theplotthickens]

Welcome, Tides!

My 17 yo dBPD/bipolar is just plain mean when she is stressed.  She hates herself and finds some sort of sick relief by inflicting pain on Mom.  It is demoralizing and depressing to live with... .and I have had to set some boundaries.  You get beaten down from years of living with the constant aggression and verbal abuse.  I totally understand that!

Have you read Family Guide to 'Borderline Personality Disorder?'. That book really helped me learn to start taking back my life.

Your dd sounds like she is very selfish and narcissistic.  I am wondering if bipolar runs in your family at all?  If she is bipolar, stimulants will make her rage.  :)o you see the stimulants making her more calm or more irritated?

My other quick thought is to get her on a sleep med asap.  Everything is magnified when she is not sleeping.  An newer generation anti-psych such as Seroquel at bedtime makes my dad sleep thru the night and it also calms her aggression.  The resulting combo of rest and calming effect is the only reason why she is still able to be at home.  

I am done with giving my daughter a free pass to make everyone miserable because of her mental illness.  She can hold it together just fine when it benefit s her to do so.  If she destroys things she will be buying me replacements and I may call the police.  I am just done with it.

I hope your weekend is better and that you take time out for just yourself.  We have to build a life we are excited about whether our kids choose recovery or not.  Your needs and feelings are no less important than your child's.  Be kind to yourself.

[loveandcare]

Hi Tides - I hear - and feel - your pain. We have only had to deal with a few of the rages, but my DD is 14 and I think we may be just starting out. The one thing I am grateful for is finding a good SW who wants to provide a great "wrap around" plan once she is released from hospital. She is currently in a behavioral health hospital for attempted suicide, her 4th in the same number of weeks (4). Although when we visit she asks "why am I even here?"... .her insight is virtually zero. In fact, she laughed about her first hospital stay (a month ago) because "I tried to kill myself again, so it didn't work <giggle giggle>"

One thing I have learnt going thru this (and I am by no means an expert and we are pretty much just getting going on this journey) is that it is so important to nurture yourself and your marriage and your other children. In the whirlwind of caring for these kiddos, everythign else can get pushed to one side. I don't really know how the health system works in Canada, but I would contact every resource possible and refuse to leave until you get help.

Video your DD during a rage and take it with you as evidence. Bang on every door possible until you get things set up as a netwok of support. If she refuses to go, get her in the car and drive her there, and show them first vhand what you struggle with. The situation(s) you describe above sound untterly intolerable and I would be beside myself with stress and dispair... .seriously, you guys need help for YOU as well as your DD... .keep searching!

[SeaSprite]

Tides, you must be so exhausted! 

One phrase that has been useful with my children is something along the lines of "It's totally fine for you to hate me, I will always love you. Even when we fight, even when I'm so angry and frustrated I can't see straight, I will always love you and always fight for you."

That being said, this sounds like a medical issue as much as a behavioral one... .not sleeping is in itself a disorder, and one that will make ADHD and mood disorders worse. There are some kids with ADHD who sleep better on ADHD meds, so I can understand trying them, but it sounds like they are a no-go.

Destructive rages seem like an automatic call to 911 to me? EVERY TIME. With video evidence if possible?

Maybe a sleep clinic to diagnose the not sleeping issue? Not sleeping causes all kinds of neurotic and even psychotic behavior.

She might be right to only want doctors, her issues sound like they could easily have a medical base or at least significant component. How frustrating that the doctors etc aren't treating the whole child!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Tides & 

How have things been going with your daughter?

Can you give us an update?

We'd love to help you in any way we can