Everything is a competition

[Satori68]

Has any one else had this issue? My boyfriend turns everything Into a competition. Its not a huge deal, but can be very frustrating when I need to express myself.

As an example. I was cooking dinner for us last night and he is always in in my business when I"m cooking, wanting to know what I'm making, how I'm making it. When I told him the Chicken was pre seasoned when I bought it he made a face. I said look "I just got home from a 12 hour shift, if I want to cook an easy dinner than that's what I'm going to do"

At least that's what I began to say but he interrupted me half way through to tell me how hard he worked all day and all the things he had to do.  I always let him know how much I appreciate how hard he works. I want him to feel validated and good for what he does, but no one is asking him to come home and cook... .or clean for that matter.

That's just one example. I have noticed this happening a lot. Not just with me but with every one in his life.

I think it's just his way of making himself the focus.

Is this something common in people with BPD?

Is there a way I can let him know that his doing that makes me feel unappreciated sometimes and that though his feelings and experiences are very important to me, I want my feelings and experiences to be important to him to?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MissyM]

My dBPDh has always done this, negative competition. If I have a migraine, he has a tumor.   Since my dBPDh feels like the biggest victim, whenever I have any complaint he has to come up with something worse to maintain his victim status. My girlfriend that is BPD, said that her husband tells her that today it isn't about her.  She is recovered enough to be able to laugh about it, I don't think saying that to a BPD that isn't really working on themselves would work.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This can drive me batty... .Before I learned about BPD I would eventually respond with "Well, my daddy can beat up your daddy"... .

Now I try to limit my response to "It's not a competition".  It's tough to leave it there because in addition to "negative competition" my wife suffers from some sort of memory filter, because if I let her she'll want to have the entire "competition conversation" like we haven't discussed it 100 times.

[Sugarlily]

Yes and it is really frustrating as I never really get listened to as he is always trying to turn the focus back to his things are worse for him competition. Or his other favourite is to say "Well it is ok for you because... ."

I volunteer for a charity that works with children living in poverty in the developing world, my bf absolutely hates me talking about these kids, as he can't pull the I am a worse victim card. Instead he tells me he is too sensitive to hear about it.

Not sure if there is a solution.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, I have this same experience. There are days when I am afraid to say anything because he seems to find a way to turn it back around on himself. If I have FOO issues, his were somehow worse or had a worse impact. They were obviously worse because, as he puts it, he is a mess and I am not. I am a mess too, I just can't really share my struggles with him.

We both play music. Our friends invited me to sit in with them but not him. It had nothing to do with him. It was because the instrument that I play fit with their music. He saw that as a slight to him and said, "Wow, you are so lucky. They asked you to sit in with them but they have never asked me to do it."

There have been times when he has said outright that he is jealous of me because I make everything look so easy. I have fallen into the trap of not doing things because it will upset him because it will make him feel insecure. I have stunted my own personal growth because I do NOT want to be in competition with anyone.

[MissyM]

I have fallen into the trap of not doing things because it will upset him because it will make him feel insecure. I have stunted my own personal growth because I do NOT want to be in competition with anyone.

BTDT, that has been one of the gifts of recovery for me.  I do things with friends and get out.  He made a snarky remark this morning that I don't need him to do things with because I have so many friends.  I just agreed with him and said that I still wanted to do things with him.  That seemed to stop him from going more into how nobody likes him.

[maxsterling]

Well, I'm about the least competitive person you will ever meet.  In regards to relationships, I feel they are supposed to be a partnership. Yet, often I feel like she thinks I am her enemy in this.  Almost like she feels that couples are supposed to compete and fight, making up things that annoy her as a means of bettering me. 

I actually see this in many couples, where they seem to view their spouse as an enemy.  Think of some of the phases like "she who must be obeyed" and popularized on television shows dating back to "I Love Lucy."  I'm just not one to play that control game.  I don't want it. 

[summeralyssa]

WOW - I completely understand.  Anything I would ever say - my exBF would answer, "Not like me."  Everything was a negative competition.  I was actually hospitalized for ketoacidosis (as a result of extreme stress)  - he did NOT visit me.  He did not acknowledge my illness.  in fact, and so sad to recall this, when I was released and about 2 weeks later when i could actually visit him at his apartment, eh went into the most vicious rage and threw me out of the apartment.  I was so humiliated, sick, crying... .after this, he LIED about having CANCER.  CANCER, people. 

oh my god - i am seriously laughing now... .what the F is wrong with me?  But, I guess, at the time, I was so compromised, vulnerable, and weak - it worked... .he claimed he had surgery and that his drunk friends took him to the hospital.  I was legitimately ill, off work, and had almost died - and he was LYING about having throat and lung cancer. 

Brutal. 

again - IDIOT!   :'(

My dBPDh has always done this, negative competition. If I have a migraine, he has a tumor.   Since my dBPDh feels like the biggest victim, whenever I have any complaint he has to come up with something worse to maintain his victim status. My girlfriend that is BPD, said that her husband tells her that today it isn't about her.  She is recovered enough to be able to laugh about it, I don't think saying that to a BPD that isn't really working on themselves would work.

[SC91]

WOW - I completely understand.  Anything I would ever say - my exBF would answer, "Not like me."  Everything was a negative competition.  I was actually hospitalized for ketoacidosis (as a result of extreme stress)  - he did NOT visit me.  He did not acknowledge my illness.  in fact, and so sad to recall this, when I was released and about 2 weeks later when i could actually visit him at his apartment, eh went into the most vicious rage and threw me out of the apartment.  I was so humiliated, sick, crying... .after this, he LIED about having CANCER.  CANCER, people. 

oh my god - i am seriously laughing now... .what the F is wrong with me?  But, I guess, at the time, I was so compromised, vulnerable, and weak - it worked... .he claimed he had surgery and that his drunk friends took him to the hospital.  I was legitimately ill, off work, and had almost died - and he was LYING about having throat and lung cancer. 

Brutal. 

again - IDIOT!   :'(

"he LIED about having CANCER.  CANCER, people. 

oh my god - i am seriously laughing now... ."

Hahahaha I laugh so loud when reading this. Lolllllll

What kind of insanity is this sickness!

[itgirl]

OH my word I can relate.  I just didn't put a word to it.  I always thought she just thinks I blame her.  She would ask me how my day was.  When I answered "work was tough and I can home and walked the dogs and cleaned the kitchen".  She would answer.  But I cleaned the bedroom two days ago.  All I did was answer her question.  Not blame her for not doing it.  So frustrating.