The only thing keeping me from leaving is our daughter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We've been married for 14 years and have a 13 year old daughter and I want to leave my wife.  Her demands and threats and rages and accusations and drama and blaming have gotten to me.  I don't want her sh-t to be part of my life anymore.  I'm just concerned about our daughter, who is a wonderful person.  My concern for how divorce will affect my daughter is keeping me in the marriage.  :)oes anyone have any advice?

[startrekuser]

We've been married for 14 years and have a 13 year old daughter and I want to leave my wife.  Her demands and threats and rages and accusations and drama and blaming have gotten to me.  I don't want her sh-t to be part of my life anymore.  I'm just concerned about our daughter, who is a wonderful person.  My concern for how divorce will affect my daughter is keeping me in the marriage.  :)oes anyone have any advice?

[hope4tomorrow]

That is really only a decision you can make.  For me thinking about the things I am teaching my kids by staying in the relationship, helped me to realize that maybe I would be leaving because of them.  For example, I don't want my boys growing up to treat their wives/girlfriends the way their daddy treats me.  I also don't want my daughter thinking this is how a man should treat you.  I don't want them thinking this is what a marriage is supposed to look like.  I agree, a divorce will hurt the children, but sometimes staying can hurt them just as much or more... .just in different ways.

[Rise]

startrekuser,

Have you ever been on an airplane before? Before take off they give you a pretty standard safety speech about what happens if the cabin were to depressurize, and the weird looking masks with the bags attached that fall from the ceiling so you can breath. They tell you that if you're with a child, put your own mask on before you help your child. Why? Because if you pass out, then there's no one to help your child with their mask. And it's tough, because as a parent, your first instinct is to put your child before you. Sometimes in life we have to do the same thing. We have to take care of ourselves first, so we are then able to take care of our children.

Nobody but you knows what is best for your life. You have to decide whether or not the pros outweigh the cons. But as hope4tomorrow pointed out, staying isn't always what's best for your child. I know you're worried about how a divorce will affect your daughter, but have you thought about how staying in a bad relationship will affect her too? Have you ever sat down and talked with her about how your relationship with your wife makes her feel? I know it probably doesn't feel like it to you, but she's not a little girl anymore, and you may be surprised to know how much she's picking up from what's going on.

You may also want to take a peek into the L5 Coping with a Parent,Sibling, or In-law board. There are a lot of people over there that grew up in a household where one parent suffered from BPD. It might give you a little insight into what your daughter is going to go through with her mother.

I know how daunting this can all seem. I have two girls of my own with my BPDex. And I never wanted to raise them in separate house holds. I realized though that before I could give them the healthy, stable life they deserved, I had to have one myself. Regardless of whether you choose to stay, or seek divorce, the most important thing you can do is make sure you're going to be okay. That may mean starting over, that may mean learning new skills to cope with your wife. Either way, you've got to make sure you put your mask on first.

Stay Strong,

Rise