Put down a boundary... Feeling wierd

[Aussie JJ]

OK!,

I put in place a boundary that I have discussed with my P for ages and tried in different forms however today followed through.  (claps please)

Medical, I followed through, ignored her attempts to distance me from appointments, attended and then highlighted a history to the doctor of advice not being followed.  When she tried to correct me I simply stated, that is untrue, I'm sorry you feel that way.  Blank stare, void of emotions.  Boundary in place. 

Now awaiting the kickback.  Feeling strangely empowered yet very scared, the backlash is always massive with these things from her. 


AJJ. 

[catclaw]

Wow, that sounds really good! Congrats on this one!   

I hope the response won't be too extreme... .We all know that a sh**storm will follow, but try to focus on your success right now. You have all right to feel empowered!

That medical appointment-thing is one we have yet to come. Would you keep us informed?

[Panda39]

Great job! (applause from the peanut gallery!) Probably feels a little weird because you're a little out of your comfort zone.  Keep doing what you're doing. 

[Aussie JJ]

It is so disappointing actually that I am proud of this, shows how much power she still has over me... .

Oh well!

[Panda39]

AussieJJ,

Be proud not disappointed.  You are learning new skills and implementing them, you are growing and moving forward, you are asserting yourself and in a BPD relationship that is not an easy thing. You are reclaiming your power.  By setting a boundary you show that she doesn't have complete control over you! 

I'll say again keep doing what you're doing    Each little step, each new thing you learn, and each new thing you act on are most definitely things to be proud of.  You're doing great 

[catclaw]

AussieJJ,

Be proud not disappointed.  You are learning new skills and implementing them, you are growing and moving forward, you are asserting yourself and in a BPD relationship that is not an easy thing. You are reclaiming your power.  By setting a boundary you show that she doesn't have complete control over you! 

I'll say again keep doing what you're doing    Each little step, each new thing you learn, and each new thing you act on are most definitely things to be proud of.  You're doing great 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You have EVERY RIGHT to be proud of yourself! It's a process... .You did one step to the right direction.

[Heartandsole]

Visualize yourself as a naked tortoise and she is a fire breathing dragon.  Each boundary you communicate and enforce gives you one tile for your shell... .  soon you will have Armour to duck inside where there is peace and control and a respite from the verbal onslaught and jabs with her sharp tongue.

Congrats AussieJJ!

Here is what I imagine she's thinking:  What was that... .oh sh!t he has spontaneously generated a backbone overnight, I am loosing control   this is a huge  for me, I better bring my   out and   on him and put him back in his place.

!

Stay strong brother.  Build your shell strong, it will serve you well.   

Peace and 

-H&S

[Mutt]

Visualize yourself as a naked tortoise and she is a fire breathing dragon.  Each boundary you communicate and enforce gives you one tile for your shell... .  soon you will have Armour to duck inside where there is peace and control and a respite from the verbal onslaught and jabs with her sharp tongue.

I really like this 

Congrats AussieJJ! Keep at it. Soon enough it will feel second nature. The first step is always the hardest.

[Lmls]

Hi Aussie JJ,

Just wanted to say as somebody who has taught mindfulness, that your description of the appointment sounds like you were really grounded. Keep focusing on the positive feeling you gained from the behaviour and are now experiencing, and touch where in your body you feel it.

Hope this helps.

[Aussie JJ]

Thanks all,

I have noticed with a few posts aome things that really resonate with me.  In regards to the mindfulness, it is helping immensly, I actually felt myself getting angry when the doctor was confirming it was a phone appointment, I controlled it ook a breath and stayed as nuteral as I could be.  I have to be careful of this as I can now feel it happening, a good thing and working through that helps me a huge amount. 

about the escalation!  It has happened in two forms, sullen sulky look of death when our son has said, "I had a good day daddy" etc lately.  I have been making sure I am totally focusing on him and ignoring everything else when with him.  Over the last 2-3 months these and many small things are really paying off, I can see my relationship with him is alot better than it ever would have been if I hadn't gone through all of this.  Sounds weird however I know its true. 

On the other extreme she has started very very subtly flaunting her replacement infront of me, letting me know he is in the car with a happy mood etc and being all cheerful.  This has really set off my triggers but using my mantra of I can always walk away I have taken the power out of this as well.  She was really happy the other day, I apologised and said I had plans had to go.  She asked what looking confused, I picked up a packed bag and said, going camping, bye.  Walked off, into the car and off I went.  In truth I wasn't going camping however I have things like this planed so that I can make like I am doing something and walk away.  Sort of pathetic but gives me the power to walk away. 

Anyway, I thought an update was in order!

[Mutt]

I have noticed with a few posts aome things that really resonate with me.  In regards to the mindfulness, it is helping immensly,

I'm happy to hear mindfullness is working for you  

Over the last 2-3 months these and many small things are really paying off, I can see my relationship with him is alot better than it ever would have been if I hadn't gone through all of this.  Sounds weird however I know its true.

That is the truth. Keep at it with your son and be consistent.

On the other extreme she has started very very subtly flaunting her replacement infront of me, letting me know he is in the car with a happy mood etc and being all cheerful.

My ex did the same and flaunted bf and would smile directly at me. She's back to her emotional baseline of happiness and it hurts like hell to see this when we are knee deep in pain. I'm so sorry. You know that the exterior is different than what happens behind closed doors. More than meets the eye.

[Aussie JJ]

I am sort of at the stage of still wanting to help her however accepting that I can only control my actions. 

Really happy so far with the solicitor, he has predicted her escalations so far and he keeps saying "I accept it will happen, don't worry, its predictable." 

Basically boundary's in place and learning how to enforce them.  Still have anxiety however understand it now and naming and shaming my own emotions with worry and doubt and knowing I cant control her is awesome. 

Really big couple of weeks for me in that respect. 

[Panda39]

Basically boundary's in place and learning how to enforce them.  Still have anxiety however understand it now and naming and shaming my own emotions with worry and doubt and knowing I cant control her is awesome. 

Really big couple of weeks for me in that respect. 

Good for you  Keep walking out of that FOG!  I know it's not always an easy thing to do but you sound like you're doing great... .just one foot in front of the other 

[Lmls]

Aussie JJ,

I just read your earlier post and something came to mind. it was a Mindfulness quote that says something along the lines of "Between reaction and response is a gap. Within that gap is your power"

I think you are working this out naturally and intuitively for yourself. Keep, trusting your own instincts.

If you are struggling with shame try reading Beren Brown, Daring Greatly. She also did a TED talk, available on YouTube on subject on shame and vulnerability.

Hope the next couple of weeks go well for you Aussie JJ.

[DreamGirl]

"Between reaction and response is a gap. Within that gap is your power"

I really, really like this idea.

[Aussie JJ]

Hi all,

Update on this, I have sort of got this one down.  (frightening really) and I am met with the death stare and a few others im implementing boundary's on is really really like wow, I can do this. 

Essentially, I have told her what it is (J_DE'ed it) Not argued but Justified my position, defended it and explained it to her.  Now I am just following through.  She went so cold hard death onh me the other day when I was already waiting in the doctors office.  Just said, what are you doing here.  I responded, "enforcing my boundary where I wont allow myself to be isolated from medical decisions about our son, how are you going today?"

Some of the other stuff about redirection and what not is really helping me here to essentially end the conversation's when they do happen.  I have read a lot on narcissism (to deal with some of my mums tendencies *SIGH*) and I am also using those techniques with exBPDgf.  Similar to the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt), fogging a conversation is where you sort of don't commit or run from a concept just be vague with the person.  I have done the, I will have to think about that, sounds interesting let me go through it and get back to you, I can understand I'll have to read up a bit more on this issue.   All of these things when my boundary's are getting pushed.  I then follow through on the boundary enforce it and ignore the reaction, I had her tell me the other day that we had discussed this and agreed that XYZ was better.  I replied, no I said I would think about it and get back to you, I have thought about it, I am sticking to my boundary as that is in son's best interests. 

She just looked at me like death.  The fact that I am giving her no validation is very good as there are no misconceptions when she does something like this.  Then when she sees me basically just keep my boundary's in place it causes a huge amount of stress for her.  I hate that, not very strong on that hate word but I do hate causing that pain.  I can see it however I am as gentle as I can be with these things and use redirecting the conversation to stay away from emotional topics etc to avoid this pain for her.  I don't think she sees how hard it is for me to do this or recognises it. 

This mindfulness stuff is powerful when you get better at implementing it, should be taught in schools etc IMO.  With the quotes, there was one in a Buddhist book I read that went, sort of like.  If I place a hot stone in your hand and it burns you can be angry at me when I do that.  If your angry at me in a day, a week or a year that is your problem not mine. 

I am angry however accept it, forgive her for it and move on.  Very powerful not being angry, even more powerful forgiving and just being. 

[Moselle]

Congratulations AussieJJ.

I recognise the emotion and pain about where you are.

Just wanted to congratulate you on a job well done on the boundary. Also on your compassion for her pain.

Mine is on a 4 day silent treatment because I defended a boundary. So I recognise the backlash you describe as well.