first time posting on this board

[gary seven]

I have had a very long haul of a 11 yr marriage to an uBPDw, who sucks so much life out of me that I've become hypertensive, have a hernia that will need surgery, and really can't take it anymore. 

I have 3 wonderful kids who are angels at school and monsters at home.

Just hired another "new" afterschool nanny.  Been paying someone else to do my wife's afternoon job for years.  This summer I had to rent a car (a third) for me to drive to work b/c she was in a treatment program for 12 weeks and did not want the babysitters to pick her up.  So she took my car and left the van for the kids to be transported to their activities.  My youngest got expelled from Summer Art Camp because of "bad behavior."

I have been dipping my feet on this page, and lurking intermittently, just reading and not having the courage to take the next step.  I am usually on L3.

But today is different.

I asked one of the few friends I have left to get me a small voice recorder.

It is time someone other than me has to listen to this #$(Q#$(.  I will also ask him to buy me the Splitting book.  I will pay him in cash since she watches every monetary transaction (control), but hasn't unpacked the house we moved into 2 yrs ago, "because You (me) are not available to help me unpack."

My house just sprung its third water leak this morning  --this time the boys' shower is leaking into my dining room.  Two leaks from 2013 have not been restored because of guess who.

Anyone have any experience with those people who buy houses as is?

This is a distressed house and a distressed marriage.

I am thinking two apartments and put the rest in storage.  I am hoping  the kids' school will let us stay in the school; our school zone has NO rental apartments in its boundaries. 

[catnap]

Welcome to the Legal board, gary seven.

Recorder and Splitting are good investments.  Evidence and a good legal strategy are needed.

I would advise speaking to an attorney (or several) before making any major decisions.  Are you going to be seeking primary custody? 

[momtara]

Your kids could rebel against you if you seek custody, and your wife sounds very controlling - if she can control you, she certainly will be able to control them.  So you definitely need to move slowly and carefully if you want primary custody of the kids.  Too many dads here have lost too much.  Cover your tracks until you are ready.

[ForeverDad]

Record on the sly.  You're not being nefarious by doing so, it's just that you want proof how she behaves in the home setting when she believes she can let her hair down and act out - and perhaps even serve to be self-protection in case she makes threats or tries to frame you for alleged bad behaviors.  If you shove a microphone in her face or flaunt/advertize it she'll either get triggered and overreact or put her Mask of Seeming Normalcy back on and you'll get nothing.

I recorded using small voice recorders.  In recent years I've even seen ads for PenCams that not only record audio and simple video, they even write.  These days lots of electronic devices record, so her rights to be informed or not be recorded, if any, are probably not an issue.

I recorded before we separated.  Not only did I want proof I wasn't the one behaving so poorly, I also viewed it as an unusual form of INSURANCE to protect me somewhat from false allegations of Domestic Violence, child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  Sadly, when it comes to DV and the Violence Against Women Act many jurisdictions don't care who the misbehaving person is, if the police are called its the man who is carted off to jail.  And if the person who happens to be of the female gender files allegations, it's an uphill struggle for the person of the male gender to convince the court and professionals otherwise.

I recall one time I recorded one of her rages on our camcorder.  I left it out and sure enough she saw it.  Never once said a word to me though.  I walked in the bedroom and there was the tape, case broken and tape ripped into minute shreds.  I was actually surprised she didn't break the camcorder!  It proved to me she really knew what her behaviors were but it never stopped her from more rants and rages.

In my first legal encounter, I called the police and I believe I would have been carted off if not for the fact that my then-preschooler refused to leave my arms, he started screeching and sobbing louder when I tried to obey the officer and hand him off to his mother so I could "step away".  Later, when we were in court on the Threat of DV charge and she had to admit the recording of death threats was her voice, the judge ruled she was Not Guilty because there was no statement or admission she had a weapon in her hands and our case law fine tuned the written law about threats of DV to just limit it to cases of "imminent" threats.  She did break our phone's handset by throwing it in my direction but it hit the wall instead and broke.  I guess a phone isn't a weapon?

[gary seven]

To Catnap: don't think I have the energy for sole custody.  Joint would also cost me a lot less.  Let her have joint custody and make her do the kids laundry.

To Momtara: Slow is my only way to extricate.  Nothing rash.  Ravel's Bolero comes to mind.  I am stuck on the first playing of the oboe part.

To Forever Dad: I will ask my friend about the pen.

The fact that your case was appealed and made case law I am sure has helped many a person like ourselves  who have been "in your shoes."  I thank you very much for fighting and I hope you have experienced some healing from what must have been a horrible part of your life.

And just like in Bewitched, as to inanimate objects that fly... .in our general direction,  I have had her take a frying pan off the stove and hold it up in the air---facing me in a rage, and instead of me she smashed the glass cooktop.  Looking back, I should have called the cops right then. 

The speed of which my life gets worse and heads down hill is best described as a rallentando (gradual rapid music).  I also think it's one of Newton's laws of motion.  What is awful is that it is my eMOTION.   

[ForeverDad]

No, my case wasn't appealed, the judge used existing case law where a drunk had come home and essentially said to his wife, "If I had a gun I'd shoot you." and she had wanted him convicted.  Even the ADA told me afterward that the case law opinion was an incident of a conditional IF threat and my ex was in no way uncertain or conditional.  (I also recalled the 911 person who called back kept asking if either of us had been drinking or using drugs, no doubt so the responding officers could be prepared.  I eventually concluded that the judge ruled that way because (1) she was of the female gender and (2) she had no previous court history.  If she were a repeat offender it might have been different. Maybe.

What astounded me was that the Not Guilty decision essentially granted my ex the green light to make future death threats without legal consequences as long as she had no weapons in her hands.  He didn't even tell her to stop making threats.