My 32yo adult daughter has BPD, is married, 8mo pregnant and hates me

[carebeat]

Hi,  I am new to this board and to computers.  I am 57yo, my 32yo daughter was diagnosed two years ago with BPD at an inpatient treatment facility after being admitted for severe depression.  I am not sure if she attempted suicide or was just thinking about it. Shortly afterwards she married her boyfriend  of one and a half years, was ready to divorce him in ten months and then changed her mind and they decided to conceive a child, which they did, then she lost her temper and hit him in the face with her car keys, spent the night in jail, a no contact order was in place, she moved in with us for two months pending the court hearing, she considered abortion and divorce again, became angry at her father and me because she was advised to seek anger management classes, so she packed up and left, said hateful hurtful things to us and we have had no contact since late March.  She is 8 months pregnant.  She is getting individual and marriage counseling, is happy and excited about the baby.  Her husband has not spoken with his folks for the last year.  My daughter has also pushed her sister away.  This rejection is very painful.  I worry about post partum depression and her being overwhelmed with the new baby.  I ache that I will not be an integral part of my grandsons life.  And I worry about his future with a BPD mother.  I will always love my daughter and want the best for her, however, I cannot allow myself to be treated with such disrespect.  Any advice would be most welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello carebeat and 

I'm sorry to hear there has been such chaos in your daughter's life and know that is has caused you stress and concern. BPD has a way of affecting more than just the one person, but rather everyone who loves that person as well. You've come to the right place to get some help and advice, including getting some ideas to help when your new grandchild is born.

You've done well so far to post on the board so hopefully we can make it easy for you to navigate the site. I suggest you read and post on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board -- just click on the different coloured words and it will take you to the board. You'll find other parents on this board who can offer you advice, tips and support. You'll find you don't have to give lots of explanations, they'll know what you are going through.

You can also start reading some of the articles such as this one: Validation--Tips and Traps for Parents. Validation is one of the key ways we learn how to communicate more effectively with a person who has BPD (pwBPD).

If you have any trouble figuring out how to post, understanding all the words we use, etc. just let us know! We can help make sure you connect with what you need.

Welcome again. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi carebeat! i'd like to join NorthernGirl in welcoming you to bpdfamily!

Loving somebody with BPD certainly comes with a lot of different feelings, and when it's your own child who is rejecting you it makes it that much more painful. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through!

The board that NorthernGirl gave the link for, the Parenting one? You'll find so much help and support there, and learn how to have boundaries that can help you take care of yourself by how you choose to deal with that disrespect. You can learn more effective communication techniques that will be less triggering to your daughter, and so much more. Plus the guidance of the senior members there is so great. Here's one of my favorite articles around here, it's about boundaries, something I wasn't too good at using with my undiagnosed BPD husband: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

I'm so glad you found us! 

[Lulu1313]

Hi Carebeat! That sounds very overwhelming, I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. Does she live close by? Are you close with her husband? Maybe he can keep you in the loop as to what is going on postpartum so you would know if you needed to step in? I would research Grandparent laws in your state too. Never hurts to be prepared especially when it comes to little ones.

I haven't been on the board long but there is so much information and support to be had here. Good luck.

[lever.]

Hello carebeat and

I am sorry about the difficulties you are having with your daughter.

I found myself in a similar situation a while ago. It is a long story but my daughter who is in her 30s and has young children broke off contact with me for a few months.

What I found helpful was to approach her very gently by e-mail.

I read a book "overcoming borderline personality disorder" by Valerie Porr which is very good and has a section on mending relationships. I worked very hard at seeing the situation from her point of view and validating her hurt feelings but tried to stop short of condoning unacceptable behaviour.

Eventually I said that is she found life less stressful without seeing me I would accept that but that I would always be here for her. She began to talk to me again and I am back in contact with my grandchildren.

I still have one difficulty though as my two daughters will not communicate with each other at all. I can't think of anything I can do about this and I dread holidays etc.

I suggest you start by reading the tools "validate the valid" and "respond with SET" also try to get Valerie Porr's book.

One good piece of advice I was given here was to take tiny little steps and not to rush things.

Do keep posting and let us know how it goes.