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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Disproportionate revenge tactics?  (Read 660 times)
Suspicious1
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: On/off at any point in the cycle of dating, living together, engaged and 'silent treatment'
Posts: 296



« on: September 08, 2014, 07:00:24 AM »

I'm not sure if this is a BPD thing or a passive aggressive thing, but instead of just telling me when I did something that annoyed him, my ex would "hit back" in the same way, but disproportionately harder.

So for example, I once friended someone on a social media site who then asked me on a date. I declined but chatted to him for a bit. My ex responded by friending someone, arranging a date with them, dumping me, and advertising publicly on the same site for a new girlfriend.

When I said I felt hurt by this, he practically screeched at me that I did it to him first.

Also he insisted on being close friends with a woman he'd dated during one of my discards, and with the woman who was instrumental in breaking my marriage up. When I said I felt hurt and threatened by these friendships, he said "well you can't mind because you have a male friend who would date you if he could" (said friend has been my best friend for a while and lives on a different continent).

This seemed to be his MO - to act in quite a hurtful way to me, and when I dared complain, yell at me that I'd done it to him first, even though whatever I'd done was comparatively minor. It seemed he wanted me to take my cues as to how to behave from his own behaviour.

During his first devaluation/discard, he was so brutal I suspected he'd taken drugs or changed medication or *something* it was so severe. All over friending and chatting to guy on social media.

Does this disproportionate defence sound familiar to anyone?

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Pieter2
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Posts: 99


« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2014, 09:21:50 AM »

It is absolutely familiar. During the good times / 1st month she told me that if someone would do something to her she would definitely to it back but 10 times the equivalent. I thought it is childish but didn't care. I wasn't going to do anything against her after all. Yep, but then the perceived "slights" kick in. They are convinced you cheated etc. Then you have "done something" to them, because they feel that way.

She would rage and say the most hurtful things with the drop of a hat. She would try to hurt me as much as possible. Over small perceived "slights". And the worst story I ever heard? She thought and still thinks I'm the one. It's just how they roll.
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Tiepje3
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorcing
Posts: 127



« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2014, 09:28:40 AM »

Definitely familiar. He 'left his gmail-account open' on my laptop. Not immediately realising this, because he never uses my laptop, I accidentally stumbled upon his e-mail exchange with the new replacement (I admit, I read that one email that wasn't business related, stupid me). He also admitted that he left his account open on my laptop on purpose so I'd see it. When he later checked ALL my e-mail AND Facebookmessages, he told me he was justified to do so, because I read his (one) e-mail too.

Now we're in de middle of divorce settlements and he's using every trick in the book to not have to pay anything. Revenge, retaliation? Don't know. Immature and BPD/NPD
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No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you don't want.
RedDove
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Posts: 177


« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2014, 09:55:37 AM »

Yup, ditto for me too. We went out to dinner one night. There was karaoke and the song "You're just too good to be true, can't keep my eyes off of you... ." came on and he proceeded to serenade me at our table. We had a nice evening.  Then we went back to my house, he was laying across my lap on the couch. We were talking and I was holding in anger and hurt due tomthe fact that I hadn't seen him in two weeks prior to that night. So I tried to discuss it with him. I said that I really enjoyed the evening and spending time with him. That it would be nice if we could spend more time together. He said he was always so busy, running errands, etc. I said, well I'm happy to run errands with you anytime. He looked at me like I had two heads! I then asked him if he and his ex wife ever ran errands together when he was married. He was married for 26 years, however was in the military for the first 7 years. He got angry and said, no RedDove we didn't. I responded, oh, I see, well it's just that my ex husband and I did, we always did things together. He sat bolt upright, grabbed his keys and wallet, raged at me and stormed out. He gave me the silent treatment for the next two weeks after. When I finally reached out (yeah, stupid me!) he said he was "going out of his mind and beside himself not talking to or seeing me" (uum, hello, the phone works both ways!) For the next several weekends he made plans with me and then cancelled at the last minute. He also made a point to tell me he was "busy" running errands with his sons or sisters! My punishment for the comment about my ex husband.
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Take2
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 732



« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2014, 11:43:32 AM »

It is absolutely familiar. During the good times / 1st month she told me that if someone would do something to her she would definitely to it back but 10 times the equivalent. I thought it is childish but didn't care. I wasn't going to do anything against her after all. Yep, but then the perceived "slights" kick in. They are convinced you cheated etc. Then you have "done something" to them, because they feel that way.

Yes - definitely familiar.  Whatever the perceived slight is comes back at me 100 times worse.  Me talking to my peer at work in his mind equals me having an affair with that man.  Any man I talk to at work equals me having an affair with that person in my ex's head.  And in his head, I must be punished for it.  Sadly, he has done some pretty horrible things to try and "punish" me. 

Me not being involved with him, not even speaking to him, yet if I speak to the male peer AT ALL - even if just a comment about work?  causes severe retaliation on my ex's part. 

Yes, I could report him to HR.  I can't.  I'm afraid of the retaliation... . 

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Infern0
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1520


« Reply #5 on: September 08, 2014, 02:54:29 PM »

Yes, mine got in trouble at work because of our interaction and is now subtly trying to make things worse for me.  I've already landed in it,  of course as a reasonable person I held my hands up and accept I did wrong (although I was under extreme emotional distress at the time) but still I understand the need to maintain professionalism.

She on the other hand blames me for everything even though it was all initiated by her, attempted the usual emotional manipulation to get sympathy which was thankfully seen straight through (although she did a hell of a job) and has begun plotting to take me down. Fortunately her boss is a friend of mine and has NPD,  a good combo for keeping her controlled.
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