I'm so tired of BPD...

[WhoMe51]

It has been a while since I have been on these boards.  The last time I was here, I posted on the leaving board.  And today, I am posting on the undecided board.  Without going into details I went back in for round #?.  I don't even know.  I feel sick.  I feel depressed.  And I don't know what to do.  I am involved without children with a dBPDgf.  We went to couples counseling and that was a disaster.  She placed all the blame on me as usual.  After the session was over, she was back to her loving self.  But with the counselor, she was crying and telling him that she didn't know if she wanted the relationship or not.  It was her idea to go.  I know that without her own therapy, the relationship will remain as it is.  I know this but I still remain with her.  The pain isn't worth the prize anymore.  But I feel stuck.  She keeps telling me that she wants to get married and have a beautiful life together.  I don't believe there is a happily ever after anymore.  I am just trying to cope with the now.  I love her.  But then I asked myself what exactly do I love?    I keep telling myself that I need to end it, but I always end up missing her.  It is soo crazy.  I have seen some progress with her stopping while she is raging.  I think this has to do with me though because I don't react.  When she starts to rage, I tell her she is being unreasonable and I am going to leave the room, house, whatever.  I tell her I will be back when she calms down so we can talk as adults.  When I come back from my walk, she is usually calm and apologizes about her behavior.  While this is good that she does this, I find myself burning out.  I would just like to have some peace.  I would like to have an evening or a weekend that wasn't filled with rages and me having to leave.  I feel so messed up.  Forgive me for my venting.

[freedom33]

I am sorry to hear about your story. It sounds like you are having a tough time. I can relate to your experience with couples counselling. We did this too in month 5 of our rs that incl a 1 month NC. in month 3. I was ashamed to tell my friends as it was a completely crazy thing to do for such a short relationship. Nothing was invested in most peoples' eyes but how can you explain what a BPD hook is... .

In therapy she 'd just blame me for everything and I 'd just listen to her distorted reality. I was shocked to hear her perspective. I was not sure if she actually believed the stories and the 'facts' she was throwing out, i.e. if she was delusional or just manipulative. Once I started venting and venting in counselling and almost got into a verbal argument with the therapist too. She was actually in therapy for many years. I don't know if it made her better but if it did god knows how she may have been a decade ago. In short I am not sure even if she does therapy by herself if its going to work or not. Maybe some coping skills but actually the dysregulation will never go away. Maybe it will subside with time. If you don't have kids or any other issues to tie you together you could consider leaving. Basically you are trapped in a trauma bond. Reading this has helped me.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Power_and_control_in_abusive_relationships

I am sending you my warmes wishes whome51.

[WhoMe51]

Thanks for the encouragement Freedom33.  I woke up today feeling like a mess.  Before this recycle I had gone 3 weeks no contact and the fog was lifting.  Then she called me from a different number and the sound of her voice was all it took.  She made a few promises and said things would be different this time.  She is still the same.  I am different because I have been working with my therapist about my codependency.  I am not rushing to fix things for her.  I went to the counseling with hope that something magical might happen.  The therapist was on her side from the get go.  I felt as if it were two against one and I was having to defend myself once again.  I just feel hopeless. 

[freedom33]

The therapist was on her side from the get go.  I felt as if it were two against one and I was having to defend myself once again.  I just feel hopeless.  

The same happened with me and the therapist. T was on her side. As much as T was trying to to not take sides it was obvious. I just sat there and listened to all the lies and it was impossible event to defend myself with my ex's craziness and her mad convictions. I sat there mostly and took it.  And my ex was monopolising the sessions and the T would let her talk uninterrupted and vent her delusions and make believe stories for 80% of the time.

Once I had enough with the whole thing and I wanted to vent too and therapist tried to stop me and that was when I had enough of the therapist too. She said something like I am the boss here and when I say stop you stop and I said something like I am paying for this so you gonna have to listen to what I want to say. Hehehe - not very proud for losing my temper like this but it was funny in a way... .

One more session and I and T gave up. She said we are unsuited to each other - my exBPD is just 'too sensitive' and me if I start, I can't stop, referring to the venting session that I had. In the next crisis my ex suggested we tried another couples therapist. I denied and thought to myself 'Not in a million years with you'

There must be something better in store out there. Sorry to hear about your day. Some days are bad for me too but now some days are good too. That's good for a start! Hang in there man. All will be well in due time.