Stealing

[jessmomof8]

Is stealing a common problem with BPDers?  I'm pretty sure that my 14yo is stealing from various places.  I am mortified and furious.

I need to get a job because my husband's income just isn't enough, but I feel like I can't trust her alone or at anyone else's house.  I'm so frustrated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[loveandcare]

For us, yes. Our 14 yr old DD started stealing makeup and jewelry. At first we had no idea, although I was puzzled she kept turning up with new stuff despite limited funds. Then one day we noticed (out shopping) she was acting excited/giddy - like if you had just had a new toy for Christmas or something. I checked her purse, and it was stuffed with makeup. I was utterly horrified. I made her return it to the store manager and explain what she had done. Later that night I found a list of things she planned to steal, which was written AFTER our return - so obviously the manager-talk didn't make any difference. A week later, I insisted she did not take a purse or anything with loads of pockets when we went out, and she still managed to sneak some small items into her shorts.

It is the impulsive behavior: she wants it, she takes it type attitude. Now I am coming to terms with her BPD, it makes much more sense. A few months ago, I thought we were raising a criminal.

[Penumbra66]

I have read that shoplifting is sometimes an associated symptom of depression and BPD, depending on the source. My uBPD ex gf was a shoplifter back in her teens, and even had been caught by the police. She rationalized it at the time as a strike against immoral corporate behemoths like Walmart, and the mistreatment of both their US employees and Chinese factory laborers. But it's not like she gave away what she had stolen to the poor, like a modern-day Robin Hood. Even years later she seemed to feel ambivalent about her justifications for shoplifting.

She has also suffered anorexia as well as massive weight gain. Her weight fluctuated between 100 and 190 pounds! While we were dating, she insisted that losing weight required her to keep her calories down to around 800 per day, around 400 less that was recommended. She would skip a day, and then the next day take in 2,000or 3,000 cal. It was nuts.

She had a small minivan for a while, and driving with her was terrifying. I mean we are talking real maniac. But she seemed to think her driving was absolutely fine. Add to that eventual drug and alcohol abuse, and she had many of the outward signs and symptoms of BPD.

[loveandcare]

I think the shoplifting is part of the impulsive traits of someone with BPD, but it is likely (IMO) more common in teens/younger adults because of limited income. As someone with BPD gets older, they will have other outlets for the impulsiveness, such as the manic driving you described above, or gambling, for example.

One thing to watch out for is impulsive sexual behavior. For our teens, this can be especially worrisome because of the possible consequences; pregnancy, diseases and getting a reputation, apart from all the emotional ramifications and the likelihood of being used and then dumped by boys, leading to abandonment reactions such as self harm.  :'(

[RayNigh]

jessmomof8,

Thanks for sharing! This is an interesting topic. My uBPD mom doesn't quite shoplift but she has in the past taken advantage of friends and family members. It has not been uncommon for me to have to return her debt. For instance for awhile she was into scrapbooking. One of the family friends was a Creative Memories scrapbook consultant. The consultant would host parties and invite my mom who would play the card "I don't have the money right now, can I pay you later." Being that my mom was a friend the consultant would put my mom's bill on a tab. The consultant and I spoke when I found out my mom owed her money. I told her not to ever let my mom put things on tab and ended up paying about $100 (at the time about what I was earning each week, if even that) and the consultant ended up forgiving some of the other debt.

There have been other times when we are out shopping and all of a sudden I would be stuck purchasing items for my mom because "oh I forgot my credit card" or "we can't let dad know about this purchase." It took me a few years, but now I try to avoid going shopping with her as I don't want to have to pay for her stuff. She will sometimes throw a fit, saying that I just don't love her or don't want to spend time with her, but it isn't as bad when I first tried to avoid shopping with her. I also try to avoid situations where she may inadvertently not realize she is taking advantage of others or let them know not to give her stuff and expect to be paid for it later.

[enlighten me]

My exgf who was in her late 30's at the time did it on a few occasions whilst out shopping with me. I was paying so it wasn't that she was short of money. She passed them off as mistakes saying she had forgot she was holding them. Once I could believe but 3 times seemed a little suspect to me.

[jessmomof8]

There have been other times when we are out shopping and all of a sudden I would be stuck purchasing items for my mom because "oh I forgot my credit card" or "we can't let dad know about this purchase." It took me a few years, but now I try to avoid going shopping with her as I don't want to have to pay for her stuff. She will sometimes throw a fit, saying that I just don't love her or don't want to spend time with her, but it isn't as bad when I first tried to avoid shopping with her. I also try to avoid situations where she may inadvertently not realize she is taking advantage of others or let them know not to give her stuff and expect to be paid for it later.

My daughter is starting to similar things - when we are at the grocery store she will get all cutesy and ask if she can have special treats when she knows we don't have enough money for our regular groceries.  I just realized that I have started to dread taking her to the store with me.  I'm going to have to work it out with my husband that I make most of my grocery trips when she is home with him.  :-( 

[jessmomof8]

Once I could believe but 3 times seemed a little suspect to me.

Definitely a red flag.  :-/

[SeaSprite]

Is stealing a common problem with BPDers?  I'm pretty sure that my 14yo is stealing from various places.  I am mortified and furious.

I have suspected for some time my d might be stealing from my wallet and/or from the store. I've never actually been sure. She often has more cash in her wallet than I would expect, and since the cash I carry is for random expenses, I might not notice if she lifted a small amount here or there. I've finally started putting a little card in my wallet with the date and the amount of money I have, so that I would know. And there have been times that I've thought she might have taken things from the store that she says her friends gave her. Again, I don't actually know. It's just a spider sense.

[jessmomof8]

She often has more cash in her wallet than I would expect, and since the cash I carry is for random expenses, I might not notice if she lifted a small amount here or there. I've finally started putting a little card in my wallet with the date and the amount of money I have, so that I would know. And there have been times that I've thought she might have taken things from the store that she says her friends gave her. Again, I don't actually know. It's just a spider sense.

That's a good idea to keep a card in your wallet.  My purse is usually locked in my office, but not always.  :-/  And my 14yo has also told me that friends gave her random things.  It's a red flag for me too.

[Thursday]

Hi jessmom-

My BPDSD is now 23 but we went through all levels of stealing with her before she moved out.

I came into her life when she was 14, almost 15. At that time what I noticed was that she would "borrow" things from her friends and treat these things as if they were hers. She had no intention of returning things. If friends wanted their things back she would either "forget" to return them or she would hide them until everyone "forgot".

She never gave her Dad back his change. If she was going to the movies he would hand her a 20.00 and she would remind him that she hadn't eaten dinner and he would give her another 20.00 and ask her to bring back "at least 15.00". He never saw it.

I also noticed money missing from my purse almost as soon as I moved in with her and her Dad. Once had a credit card go missing after she had access to my purse inside of my car while I ran a quick errand and left my purse in the car with her. Pretty sure she took the credit card but she never got to use it before I cancelled it.

She got arrested for shoplifting at 15. After that we didn't allow her to go shopping with her friends. She had money on her when she shoplifted and she took something she didn't need- something really frivolous.

By 15 she was smoking and had no job. She stole cigarettes from my husband and another family member who smokes and stole money from anyone who didn't have it secured. Once she broke a big change jar we had in our game room because she was trying to flip it over to get the money out. It would have been easy to sever an artery doing this- the thing was huge and very heavy.

She took my clothes out of the laundry for her own use. She let her friends come into our home and take things- a butane torch I used in the jewelry making and another cutting tool I had in my crafts room. Once, at Christmas time she offered to take a package to the post office for me. It was filled with hundreds and hundreds of cookies and candies I was sending my extended family who were convening for Christmas- and I couldn't go so was sending the treats so I could be a part of it somehow... .and I later found the empty box in her room. Lots of cookie crumbs  and candy smears inside... .she ate like three  hundred goodies.

At 17-18 she started using and began stealing and pawning CD's that she got out of our family room, antique ceramics that I collect, items from my store inventory that I kept in a side room in our house and the worst was she stole pain meds from my adult DD who was visiting so that I could care for her after a medical procedure (day surgery). DD and I left the house to go to her follow-up appointment and when we got home her meds were missing.

She would offer to do my husband's laundry as sometimes he would forget and leave cash in pockets.

We used locks on interior doors that we could access with keys, we kept valuables and meds in a safe and we installed a nanny cam in our family areas. We told her about the nanny cam and she never took any more CDs after that. Eventually we moved to a smaller home (easier to hear her when she moved around at night) and we had a French door installed in the doorway to our living room and bedroom area and we put a lock on this door to keep her from having access to anything but the kitchen and the outside of our home. We locked our cars and I never left my purse alone with her.

She got clean a few years ago and she has started on a much better path thanks to AA. I trust her not to steal from me again. It has taken three years and I've seen no indication that she still steals, borrows or abuses her grandmother with whom she lives.

It can get better but first there is a lot of unpleasantness!

thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

I first realised my udd19 was stealing stuff when she was about 9yo.She would come home from school with other childrens toys and would say that they were had been given to her. This usually happened if there had been a bring your favourite toy to school day... .I would find toys hidden in her room.

Once she came home from school with another girls phone (she hated this girl) and said the teacher had given it to her... .yeah, right!

Also as she got older at the end of every  school year she seemed to  always had a stack  of school text books she hadnt returned to the library, even though i would remind her throughout the year.

She will also keep hold of ex friends  clothing and wear them like they are her own.

In our home just like Thursday said, things would be suddenly disappear... .deodorant, makeup, underwear, clothing out of wardrobes and drawers, she came home wearing my coat  once !,... .Nothing with permission or looked after once she got hold of them.

when she got her first place it became bedding, soap powder, towels, cutlery, food, etc... .all without asking... .

I dont think she has ever stolen money that has been laying around as such but she was involved in a much bigger scam which involved  money laundering!

... .and im not certain if she has ever shoplifted... id have to say it would have to be a maybe a possiblity. Once she went into great detail describing how her other friends had gone shoplifting for makeup (which incidentally she loves)so there is a good   probability that she was at least was there.