The latest, hurtful comment

[Samuel S.]

Well, in true BPD fashion, my BPDw has said the latest, hurtful comment! Last night, I did not mention anything about our marriage, but she chose to state the following: "Well, YOU wanted to get married. YOU are old-fashioned." I did not say anything, but I certainly did feel like responding by saying: "Well, we can change that, if you don't want to be married anymore."

BTW, we both agreed that we wanted to get married almost 13 years ago. BTW, if she feels so strong that she doesn't want to be married anymore, she can file the papers for a divorce! Oh, wait a minute! She cannot, because she is too busy with her studies.

Yeah, I am hurt big time! All I have ever given her is love, attention, care, support, listening, and validation, and she said the above. In the meantime, she right now like always is busy studying for her classes for her new career. She has focused so much on her studies, that she does not have time for me. She does not want to waste her time. Gee, thanks! Again, I am hurt big time!

[froggy]

Samuel.s... .sorry you've been hurt ... yet again

It's hard when we always have to filter what we say and tip toe around their feelings.

As you know ... it's all about them and we are to blame.

I'm 33 years married and it doesn't get any better.

In a way it helps now that I know what he has and why he is the way he is... .and in a way it's worse now that I know... .cause I know it will never get better as he doesn't think he has a problem.

It's a loney place to be... .I'm just indifferent now and he sees that as me punishing him for something that he just can't figure out and I'm not being fair to him.

i asked him if it was fair to call me names and yell and scream at me any time he was upset and that he made me the way I am now. His resonse?... .oh sure... It's all my fault.  He can't see that he is responsible for treating me like crap for 33 years... .some how it's MY fault.

They just don't get it... so much easier to blame someone else or lash out and hit you where it hurts most... .big hugs... .we put so much of ourselves into these relationships and get very little back... .if your like me your naturally a giver... but it just gets exhausting when you get very little back or get blamed for everything that's wrong.

[Rise]

What led up to her making this comment? Were you fighting, or just talking? What were you talking about when she made the comment? I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm just trying to figure out what's going on a little bit better.

[workinprogress]

SS, do you think she wants you to file for divorce to make you look like the bad guy?

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw was reflecting on her first marriage, and they would have had their 20th anniversary a couple of days ago. Then, she was reflecting about her past with her first husband and with the loss of their oldest daughter to a mosquito bite. Then, she made her latest, hurtful comment.

I don't know what she is thinking. She just loves to hurt people either indirectly by complaining to me or by hurting me emotionally like she did last night.

Thanks, folks, for acknowledging my hurt. The only things that have gotten me through today are your comments, focusing on some web links, and focusing for a busy week. You and those things make my life worthwhile! On the other hand, she just wants her peace and quiet without any relationship, because she is too busy with her studies.

I truly do think that she lashes out her hurt in order to feel "superior", because she really feels inferior. I truly do think that she keeps her distance as well, because it is too painful for her to have a relationship. She can mask it by saying she wants a new career, but to complicate things by her hurtful remarks, this one and others, truly can make me wonder what h*** am I doing here. I never have hurt her. I have only been by her side through her good times and through her bad times.

[allibaba]

My uBPD husband once shared with me that "he sometimes hurt so badly inside that he would say anything to make me hurt just as badly." 

Towards the end of our marriage he started saying that "the only reason that he stayed with me was for money and sex."  It destroyed me.  Gutted me.  It was just an awful thing to hear.

After we split up he told me how much he regretted saying that to me. 

While I was with my husband, it helped me a lot to keep remembering that sometimes he said things just to make me hurt.  I believe that your wife is probably the same... .

[Samuel S.]

Thank you, Allibaba. Yeah,  you're right. I am so very sorry that your BPD was so very hurtful as well. I hope you have found peace in your heart!

My BPDw and I just took at 45 minute walk, and she explained about the ins and outs of acupuncture, how it purifies the soul, etc., how to take care of oneself, etc. I believe in acupuncture, but she is a total hypocrite. She talks the talk, but doesn't practice it not only with herself and not with me with all of her negative talk.

So, it is really challenging to believe that she is supposedly practicing the philosophy of acupuncture. In fact, even in the school of acupuncture, she can't stand most of the people there, except for the teachers.

[123Phoebe]

Samuel, have you read about Radical Acceptance for family members?  This really opened up my eyes and heart.  I hope you take the time to read it too, I'll be interested in hearing your thoughts

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0