Why am I still lingering on these BPD boards, It has to be over

[nursemyBPD]

I discovered this site more than 5 years ago, and diligently used the many tools and techniques for my relationship with my uBPDh. The end result of our 30 year marriage was him boundary pushing, and then an affair.

     I finally made the difficult decision that I could no longer, work on our marriage ALONE. He has never acknowledged ANY part in the conflict what-so-ever, nor attend 1 single counseling session. In typical BPD fashion, he blames me for abandoning him, despite 27-30years of me compromising, walking on eggshells, losing my self-image, and being verbally & emotionally abused by him.

      I pleaded one last time with him, in person, and in several letters that WE both needed to work on our marriage exactly 1 year ago this month, yet again he refused! So I moved out 9 months ago. and he has not made one inclination that he wants to reconcile. To the contrary, the 2-3 contacts, from him are hateful tirades, usually involving money. I know it is over, I know, I have ZERO desire to re-enter that chaotic lifestyle with him, YET the LOVE Won't diminish fast enough.

            I want to HATE HIM, so I can emotionally move forward, yet, I still find myself crying occasionally, and missing him. I feel I'm pretty emotionally stable, and am able to keep my emotions in check 90% of the time,  And stay strong, and happy with my new found freedom of expression.  Yet during my alone time, I keep,longing for what should have been, after 30 years of trying.

       I need to proceed with divorce in order to protect my interest in a business we own together, which he has said, he will FIGHT me to keep, although I know the law is on my side, and will likely result in a 50/50 split since we live in a community property state. But just thinking of the fight which he'll attempt, I am not looking forward to that at all. I'm tired of fighting only to concede, I've been doing it for 30 years. I just want to be financially and emotionally free from him, and I want my emotional attachment to him to align with the logic that it is over. Why can't the realist in me, the healthy emotional me, change those feelings much more quickly? I didn't make this decision lightly, it took me close to 3 years to finally leave, yet. The LOVE/LONGING still remains, and it makes me feel powerless or at the very least confused to make the divorce official!  I want it to be over!

[momtara]

Well, you married him for a reason - like all of these guys, I'm sure you've seen him at both his best and worst.  Be gentle with yourself - it's ok to have these feelings, but once you look at a journal or listen to a recording of the other side of him, it will take care of that!  You are also mourning a 30-year marriage.  That is a long time.  Sorry that the divorce is taking so long.  Maybe get a massage, take a road trip or do something to get away.

[Harlequin]

Hugs,  sorry for your loss.  I'm sure your councilor/therapist will help with the down feelings.  Is hard realisaing our exes have let us down. 

Do fight for your 50% tho, you deserve it, and try realize he just trying hurt you, and see the angry child and tantrum rather than the man who is not there.  Perhaps Pity will be the worst you get to feel for him, you sound like a good person, no need fill yourself with ugly emotions.

And my therapist reminds me that best revenge is living well, and realizing that they never will change.

Have you got support from friends or family , they are a great resource.

This will seem strange advice,  and i appoligise if it doesn't fit with your ethics, have you thought of a male escort for a one off evening( dinner dancing and a good ear, not sex ), it might help you disassociate the lingering feelings and not have the emotional duty of a relationship.   Or any other way to spoil yourself.