I lost it yesterday

[Samuel S.]

Well, nonBPDs, I lost it yesterday! My BPDw is a light sleeper, and her D17 came home late from work. I had to get up early due to a meeting. So, I had to eat and to get ready and to go. I was out of the house from 8 AM to 9 PM with that meeting, teaching, and tutoring.

In the meantime, my BPDw studied all day and did errands with her D17.

When I returned, my BPDw started complaining that I got up early. BTW, I am extremely considerate of her inability to sleep well. So, I very rarely get up early like that, and I stay in my room until I know she is up. We sleep in separate rooms.

So, after she was done complaining for about 5 minutes, I apologized and explained that I had this meeting to attend and everything else. She continued complaining. That was the verbal abuse. I apologized, but she couldn't let it go. She had to go on and on. That is when I lost it. I was to the point of crying. That is when I explained again how I am very considerate of her, that I had mentioned that I needed to get up early, etc., etc. It was at that point that she came over to me to give me a hug, and she calmed down.

Then, her D17 wanted me to do an errand for her today. So, I had to find out indirectly from my BPDw. You need to understand that her D17 has her own car. Granted, she works today, but at noon, and the errand is only 10 minutes out of her way. Also, her D17 rarely talks to me, and she prefers to ignore me or even look at me.

That is when I lost it again. I told her D17 that she could easily do this herself, that she wants to be independent, but she can be a complete snob, etc. When I asked her to take care of it herself, she said: "I just don't want to do it." BTW, the errand is for her to get her own photos from her graduation. I said: "All I have ever given you is love, and you treat me like this." That is when she looked at me intently and actually seemed concerned, because I was about to cry again. She didn't say a word to me then.

Now, I feel really out of it.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I lost it yesterday too, big time.

Looking for something to do as a couple I suggested a few plays we could go see, one was Man of La Mancha.  I got home and she started into the speech I've heard a thousand times... ."Why do men always want to go see prostitutes?"  "What is it about prostitutes that fascinate men?"

I tried to start out with the reasonable examples... .it's a musical, more women than men want to see musicals so I don't think the fact that one character is a prostitute is really what fills the seats... .

I know, I should have tried to find the underlying insecurity (and shrug off that her opinion of me is I may leave her for a hooker) but I just didn't have the energy. 

BPD & Fundamentalist Christian... .a fun combination.

[Traumatized]

To the two previous posters, I am sorry that you are going through what you are going through.  It's hard dealing with people who have this disorder and it causes much heartache and sorrow.  You are not alone because I too lost it yesterday!  BIG TIME! 

I had a MAJOR meltdown in my car right before I was supposed to go out to dinner with mine and a friend.  She called me wondering why I was running late and when I answered I was in the middle of a full blown wailing and crying session that had been going on for 20 minutes.  At first she and the friend were more annoyed than anything because they were hungry and I was delaying them from eating.  She didn't know what to say to me and eventually put the friend on the phone.  The friend said, ":)on't be depressed!  Stop that crying!"  I immediately put the phone down and stopped listening.  I felt so invalidated!

About an hour later I had finally calmed down enough to join them.  They had finished eating and mine had to go to the bathroom.  The friend told me in cold, direct words that I need to get over her or move on.  I told her there was a lot to this situation and it wasn't so simple.  It sounded like more invalidation to me and I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Shortly after that the friend went home and we were alone.  We went back to her apartment and had a long, heartfelt talk.  Recently I've been trying to teach her validation skills and I think it might be working.  I was actually able to confront her about multiple incidences where she had done horrible things to me (including a false rape accusation) and she addressed them all in a peaceful, calm manner trying to consider my point of view.  No rage in sight thank God!  She even said she was sorry about those things and did many kind, thoughtful things for me throughout the evening.  I truly felt loved and had deep gratitude that she was still in my life.  I was moved to tears... .of joy this time!

[hurting300]

Loose it more often bro! Don't let people walk all over you. She is being selfish and honestly she is being very inconvenient to you. Don't let them off the hook.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you to all of you supportive nonBPDs for your responses! I truly appreciate your input!

My BPDw rationalized my reaction yesterday evening due to having had a long day. Well, indeed, it was a long day that I was out, but it was nothing strenuous. In fact, it was quite enjoyable working with sane people. Also, I felt totally relaxed and satisfied after completing everything with these people, and they did too. So, I was tired, but nothing really bad at all.

Before entering last night the gates of the BPD domain if you will, I was feeling emotionally fine. It was after I entered and when my BPDw decided to complain about everything, that is when I lost it. BTW, her complaints dominated so much, that she did not even once ask how my day was. Well, the fact of the matter is she does not care. All she is interested in is the money I can supply in order to help with the bills.

As for her D17 today, with her mother out of town today and tomorrow going to college, she actually was human and was acting humanely.

Today, I had a much better day emotionally, because my BPDw was not around. Yeah, there you have it. I feel better emotionally when she is not around. What also helped me heal today was that a former student of mine after some 20 years posted that what I had said to her then made a big impact on her life. I honestly don't remember what it was I said, but I am a positive guy, believing that mutual respect, listening, validating, caring, encouraging, and praising all done authentically are the ways of improving everyone's life. Unfortunately, my BPDw rationalizes everything and does not believe in these concepts.