Losing Hope

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My undiagnosed husband and I had a fight yesterday.  I had registered our girls for a dance class and according to him, I didn't consult him on it.  I know we had a conversation regarding it at some point.  He lost it on me.  Told me I was hiding things and keeping secrets from him.  He accused me of backpedalling when I offered to cancel the dance classes--not because I felt I did something wrong but because I wanted to keep the peace in the house.  I haven't seen him that angry before.  Now he's giving me the silent treatment.  I know its his problem but boy does it hurt.  Our children watch him--at least he's speaking to them--and wonder what his problem is.  The girls are 12 and 14.  This incident happened just 2 days after I got back from a week long conference out of town.  When I got back from the conference he was unusually quiet--the kids told me it was odd because before I got home he was in a good mood.  We have had a good stretch with no incidents but I have noticed a pattern that this behavior happens after I travel without him.  I am getting so frustrated... .and feel alone.

[marshmallowgirl]

My undiagnosed husband and I had a fight yesterday.  I had registered our girls for a dance class and according to him, I didn't consult him on it.  I know we had a conversation regarding it at some point.  He lost it on me.  Told me I was hiding things and keeping secrets from him.  He accused me of backpedalling when I offered to cancel the dance classes--not because I felt I did something wrong but because I wanted to keep the peace in the house.  I haven't seen him that angry before.  Now he's giving me the silent treatment.  I know its his problem but boy does it hurt.  Our children watch him--at least he's speaking to them--and wonder what his problem is.  The girls are 12 and 14.  This incident happened just 2 days after I got back from a week long conference out of town.  When I got back from the conference he was unusually quiet--the kids told me it was odd because before I got home he was in a good mood.  We have had a good stretch with no incidents but I have noticed a pattern that this behavior happens after I travel without him.  I am getting so frustrated... .and feel alone.

[Samuel S.]

Yeah, living and working with such a BPD is challenging at best. I am so very sorry that you are going through that with him. I truly do understand why you feel the way you do.

What I sense is a control issue. He wants to make all the decisions. He wants to make sure his way is followed, and let's make it very clear. He is wrong.

You love your kids. He supposedly loves his kids. You have signed them up for their classes, because you love them. I say he supposedly loves your kids, because if he really did, he would respect their desire to take the classes. You are not gaining. He is not gaining. They are!

From your kids' perspective, they probably are rather intimidated and perhaps even scared of him and perhaps even angry with him. Their lives are extremely influenced by his actions and by his words.

Under the circumstances, it is suggested you do your best to encourage him to join you in some couple counseling, if at all possible. If he refuses, whenever decisions need to be made by the both of you for anyone in the family, it might be best to discuss it several times. If he forgets and makes a big argument over it, you can remind him and make him eat humble pie!