Conciliation Hearing tomorrow... what to expect?

[AlonelyOne]

Any thoughts? Tips? Advice? 

[ForeverDad]

What exactly is expected to happen there?

Are you at the start of your case or near the end?  If at the start, then this is too soon to expect your ex to agree to realistic concessions.  It may happen, but don't count on it.  Your ex will most likely be too entitled.  Generally a realistic settlement - strangely enough, even our stubborn cases often end in settlements - only is possible when a major hearing, trial or event is looming and the ex realizes reality may win the day in court.  It's not for nothing that there's a saying "on the court house steps".

So don't walk in thinking I have to accept the crumbs my ex is willing to grant me.  If it's nowhere near being fair or reasonable, then the court would likely see it that way too.  A truism here is that a court decision is very likely to be better than your ex's initial terms and conditions.

Also, don't make your best offer first.  If you want 50% parenting and feel that is reasonable, ask for more and then settle for something reasonable.  As an example, imagine you ask for 50% and your ex asks for 99%.  You of course are reasonable and your ex is totally unreasonable.  (My ex actually demanded 100%, wanted me supervised or gone.  It took several years for baby step fixes in court but I have custody now.)  However, the court may look at it and conclude, "Hmm, if I split the difference it will be about 80% Mother and 20% Father, neither parent gets what was asked so neither 'wins' and both 'lose', and the outcome will be the standard Mother gets primary and Father get the usual alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between and hands over his wallet.  Next case!"  You may not be able to avoid the court doing that, most courts are reluctant to stray very far for their normal practices, but at least don't make it an easy choice for the court to default against you.

I have a few comments concerning another thread.  If you have more than one child and wonder whether it would be okay to just take one of them at a time, it all depends on the reasons and details but a general rule of thumb is: Don't split the children.  There may be times you should get one-on-one but in general the kids should be together.  A side benefit is it gives you time off when the kids are all with her and her time off while they're with you.

Also, although I too would have preferred alternate weeks to keep exchanges to the bare minimum, my lawyer said it would weaken my case that issues with ex's parenting and conflict are significant.  We have worked reasonably well with a 2/2/5/5 schedule.  She had the first half of the week, I had the second half of the week in case school work was due on a Friday and then we alternated weekends.  Now we have that schedule only during the 11 week summer I have majority time during the school year.

[Whichwayisup]

Hi ALonelyOne,

When you feel ready, are you able to provide some details on how it went for you? 

I have been to conciliation in the UK just two days ago and in many ways got what I needed but not what I wanted…

Judge within 10 mins had approved a 50/50 custody/residence schedule (which has been set over nights due to my court action in the first place and operative for the last two weeks-prior to that I was working 16 months with very little notice and very inconsistent patterns).

I had been hoping to agree a parenting plan (which was less watertight than I wanted but reduced elements so as not to appear too demanding/controlling ie. the crazy one) To my annoyance, the judge favoured not having a parenting plan at all and just communicating much more between ourselves! (Of course uBPDxW wanted text message and not email so a few things were granted in her favour but the actual details on the parenting plan to a large extent have been extinguished.

Positive- I have got legal 50/50 court order for the next time children are withheld.  I have drawn a marker in the sand from which to go back when the issues continue.

Negative- not many actual agreements on how we look after the children ref. no right of first refusal, lateness, non-communication, finance protocol, inviting strangers into the house etc... .I found it very disturbing that the children’s needs were not accounted for - any examples of inconsistent and poor parenting on her side were effectively swept under the carpet and I was advised how difficult it is for everyone and the children will handle things in their own way... .the judge felt a parenting plan was too ‘nitty gritty’ so more or less disregarded it.

I now see conciliation as just another step on the way; it is not set up to iron out the pervasive behavioural patterns and no one is held to account.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[AlonelyOne]

Well it was brief... .but I got the result I was hoping for, which was the interim custody being split, every other week.

So that's good... .it's formalized. And as long as I manage without any significant issues. Should remain in effect.

[AlonelyOne]

Oh and of course I was accused of:

- refusing her access to the children (which was essentially, me saying no, this is my week and her not wanting to recognize such).

- not taking care of the kids hygeine (which she has no basis for said accusaiton)

- that I am disparaging her to the children (something I've explicitly endeavored not to do, and I try to prevent any others from doing when they're around - also something I know has happened on her end as well.)

- that I am too emotionally attached to my children and have an unhealthy emotional dependance on them.  (Um, did she just say that I have a problem of being to close to my children? )

[ForeverDad]

Oh and of course I was accused of:

- refusing her access to the children (which was essentially, me saying no, this is my week and her not wanting to recognize such).

- not taking care of the kids hygiene (which she has no basis for said accusation)

- that I am disparaging her to the children (something I've explicitly endeavored not to do, and I try to prevent any others from doing when they're around - also something I know has happened on her end as well.)

- that I am too emotionally attached to my children and have an unhealthy emotional dependance on them.  (Um, did she just say that I have a problem of being to close to my children? )

Projection of her behaviors onto you.  Blame-shifting.  (It might be transference but I never did determine how transference might be different than projection.)  She has to make you look worse than her and how better to do it than with the things she's contemplated and done but will never admit?  Lots of emotion and emotional conviction but no real substance to it.  Fortunately your court didn't see any significant issues.

[scraps66]

Projection and no doubt the "things" SHE is doing.

[AlonelyOne]

AGREED!

Last night we exchanged the children. I had just returned from Costco. Where I had bought each child a brand new nice and soft blanket for a whopping $12/each.  These replace the ones we purchased a few months ago, which she took when she left.  So I bought each kid an identical blanket, but each with their own color - so no fighting over blankets anymore.

To this, I garned the response "Wow... .way to go buying your children's love." and then later as she walked in the door... ."You're so disgusting at times, you make me sick."

Seriously - WHISKEY TANGO HOTEL

What in the world did I do to garner such a response. (Okay, we all know the answer to that, NOTHING!)  However, I am sure if I ever did anything like that, especially with kids in the general vicinity. I would not live it down. *sighs*