Is it worth it?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So i've primarily been posting on the leaving board. I don't even know if there is an option on working on our relationship, now or in the future. I’m not even sure if this is in appropriate place for this question. On the leaving board- the advice is run if you have the chance and don’t look back. Hard for me to abandon someone I care about, even if our relationship has changed.

In my past two go-rounds with my exuBPD- I had no idea about BPD. What I did know was that I was constantly walking on egg shells, that he always seemed happy and connected to me when we were apart (our relationship via phone and text) but so distant and dis-interested when we were together. I'm usually a very assertive person with a strong sense of self, never afraid of voicing my opinion, but with him, I took a back seat. I wanted to make sure he was happy. He never raged, or devalued me, never said anything nasty to me, nor did I ever feel disrespected. However as soon as we got close during our second go round, he pulled away to avoid hurting me. He also felt that I wasn't interested him, or didn't like him as much as I thought I would. He told me that his flip switched on me and that he knew I would eventually break up with him. We tried to remain friends. I wasn't prepared for him to withdrawal and not be as open as he was during the initial honeymoon phase and I finally snapped at him, told him he was being a coward and not a man. Horrible thing to say, especially knowing what I know now, but it was the first time since our breakup that I got an actual response more than a superficial courtesy.

Is it worth trying to stay in contact with him? We have no ties that bind. We don’t live in the same city. I care about him, and just want to send a text now and then to say “hi- hope you are doing well”. I feel like he will come back again at some point, but not sure what to do in the meantime. I feel guilty snapping at him and pushing him away.

[Tater tot]

So i've primarily been posting on the leaving board. I don't even know if there is an option on working on our relationship, now or in the future. I’m not even sure if this is in appropriate place for this question. On the leaving board- the advice is run if you have the chance and don’t look back. Hard for me to abandon someone I care about, even if our relationship has changed.

In my past two go-rounds with my exuBPD- I had no idea about BPD. What I did know was that I was constantly walking on egg shells, that he always seemed happy and connected to me when we were apart (our relationship via phone and text) but so distant and dis-interested when we were together. I'm usually a very assertive person with a strong sense of self, never afraid of voicing my opinion, but with him, I took a back seat. I wanted to make sure he was happy. He never raged, or devalued me, never said anything nasty to me, nor did I ever feel disrespected. However as soon as we got close during our second go round, he pulled away to avoid hurting me. He also felt that I wasn't interested him, or didn't like him as much as I thought I would. He told me that his flip switched on me and that he knew I would eventually break up with him. We tried to remain friends. I wasn't prepared for him to withdrawal and not be as open as he was during the initial honeymoon phase and I finally snapped at him, told him he was being a coward and not a man. Horrible thing to say, especially knowing what I know now, but it was the first time since our breakup that I got an actual response more than a superficial courtesy.

Is it worth trying to stay in contact with him? We have no ties that bind. We don’t live in the same city. I care about him, and just want to send a text now and then to say “hi- hope you are doing well”. I feel like he will come back again at some point, but not sure what to do in the meantime. I feel guilty snapping at him and pushing him away.

[workinprogress]

TT, perhaps you are intuitively pushing him away to assure your own survival?

[Foolishwizdom]

You are grieving the loss of a relationship you valued. It is normal to wonder if he may come back and to want him to do that.  You used the word abandon - what makes you feel like you would be doing that?

If he has the awareness to want to protect you, that is good. But it sounds like the BPD part kicking in in his lows, identity issues (not being good for you or anyone) and in his protection of himself and misreading signals (his assumption that you will leave.) 

Self-destructive patterns are self-destructive patterns.

You care about him and feel the tragic nature of this disorder.  I think the love can be what is tricky to live out healthily here. My love and empathy for my husband is what is paralyzing me. I'm struggling with how to put boundaries on his behavior when he doesn't see a problem or blames me. My physical safety and mental health are at risk, so it is different . Yet I mourn for our closeness, too. 

I'm asking questions (and so are my close people) and maybe you are, too. Why is that I want him in my life so much if there are self-destructive and/or dysfunctional patterns?  Do I feel responsible for him?  Do I want to save him? Is it that I don't want to be alone? Or that I just want that connection with somebody? 

How much should we be willing to put our lives on hold for a dysfunctional pattern that pushes us away?  Is it worth it, even if we love the person stuck in the dysfunctional pattern?   

[Tater tot]

TT, perhaps you are intuitively pushing him away to assure your own survival?

Yes, I think you are right. In that I tried to provoke him to get a response and have him walk away, and I did get that, in a sense. I think that's whats so frustrating is that logically I know that he is not good for me, however it doesn't stop thinking about the good parts of him, or feeling like I know the person he could be. But in reality, this is who he is, both the good and the bad.

[Tater tot]

You are grieving the loss of a relationship you valued. It is normal to wonder if he may come back and to want him to do that.  You used the word abandon - what makes you feel like you would be doing that?

If he has the awareness to want to protect you, that is good. But it sounds like the BPD part kicking in in his lows, identity issues (not being good for you or anyone) and in his protection of himself and misreading signals (his assumption that you will leave.) 

Self-destructive patterns are self-destructive patterns.

You care about him and feel the tragic nature of this disorder.  I think the love can be what is tricky to live out healthily here. My love and empathy for my husband is what is paralyzing me. I'm struggling with how to put boundaries on his behavior when he doesn't see a problem or blames me. My physical safety and mental health are at risk, so it is different . Yet I mourn for our closeness, too. 

I'm asking questions (and so are my close people) and maybe you are, too. Why is that I want him in my life so much if there are self-destructive and/or dysfunctional patterns?  Do I feel responsible for him?  Do I want to save him? Is it that I don't want to be alone? Or that I just want that connection with somebody? 

How much should we be willing to put our lives on hold for a dysfunctional pattern that pushes us away?  Is it worth it, even if we love the person stuck in the dysfunctional pattern?   

Thank you for your insightful response. I feel like I'm abondoning him, because in walking away from him, I'm doing what everyone else in his life has done, and I hate to be one more person to do that.

The questions you pose Foolish are all great questions, questions I ask myself all the time. I get frustrated by knowing the answers: yes, I FEEL that I can make him happy (therefore be responsible for him) but I KNOW that only he can make himself happy; yes i WANT to save him, i want to show him that he is worthy of love and that he's a good person but I KNOW that it's not healthy for either person in a relationship to be a rescuer- to fix someone else's problems- it just creates an unhealthy pattern and dynamic. I WANT to be with him, but I KNOW it is putting my sanity and mental health at risk. I think it's one of the most frustrating things in dealing with a pwBPD, is that I know all of these things, but it doesn't change the fact the i feel i can change it, or i think that maybe I misread all the BPD signs (that he is capable of being in a healthy relationship) and ultimately that I can't just get over him and move on.