New, terrified & desperate for advice & support

[Angelwings2012]

I am in a safe place, with an associate of someone who helped me the day after my partner was arrested. I have had horrendous stress related anxiety / symptoms but still dragging myself into work otherwise I can't afford to pay for where I am staying and thus I will be forced to return into the home I've been forced to leave. I am hundreds of miles from my mum. My job is here, it's taken me 5 months to get this job and I've been in it only 6 weeks... I can't up and leave a second time (left, quit my job, gave away my horse & ran to my sister August last year after months of violent episodes)

I cannot believe I went back... The bombardment of emails, the calls, the texts, the sorrys, the promises, the medication being the reason for the rage and anger and violence... I thought, this person, being so so sorry and so so broken, could only mean they were unwell and deserved another chance... That was last October... I returned with just the bare minimum... all my very precious items, all collected memorabilia for the past 30yrs, photos etc, I left at my mums + all household items of mine, I left in a safe place incase this situation occurred again... .And it has... This time it took only 4 months.

I'd raised the issue of BPD with her when I left last year... she states she lived with someone who was diagnosed with BPD for 7yrs... .That person apparently held a gun to her head & cheated and even confessed to killing someone? The weird thing is, that person is settled down with a new partner & they have just had a baby... So, not knowing the true past of who I've been living with, I'm just at a loss to know what the real truth is... and even weirder, why are her parents, sister & friends still friends with this so called ex if they treated her so badly and took her home etc...

We met online, we'd known each other 3 months before I left my old life and moved 300 miles to try the relationship out... to live together... (I kept my lease for 6 months just incase, thinking that was sensible) We had so much in common, we seemed to fit... All the red flags were there, I jumped without a parachute off the back of a failed 12yr relationship where I was cheated on... .

I wasn't healed, but I needed to get away and start a new life... This person offered the world and I consulted my best friend and it seemed it could do no harm, I had a well paid job in the same field within a month of relocating. As soon as I gave up the lease and made the "move" permanent... (6 months thereabouts) it all changed... I felt isolated, alone, no social life, she had no "friends" unlike what she professed to have, we worked the same hours, I felt suffocated, I had no privacy, couldn't email on ipad without her reading it, couldn't hide emails as that would have raised suspicion... I had no access to the outside world bar work... .I managed to get a letter in the post to a friend but that was it... I had a spare pay as you go phone from my business... I used that to secretly update how things were... That was feb to August 2013? I left facebook because I couldn't type anything about how things really were & it was just fake posting happy pictures whilst in reality I was sobered in bruises and sleeping in my car... She messaged my friends, turned the tables... My best friend & I no longer speak after 29yrs...

I feel like a total nutcase... I don't think I can do this alone, the police have placed me as high risk... I am under so much pressure I feel like I may just collapse & die... There have been days when I wished I had...

I know I must not go back but when she is giving me space and being loving on the phone I just feel so guilty... the sobbing, the pleading, the I love you's... "you love me" flipped with "you called the police on me" "I never did that when you beat me up" (we have had physical wrestling matches, mostly over her trying to smash up my phone whilst trying to get help,or her hiding my phone, bank cards, and destroying my property, in particular my gold chain my mum bought for me aged 18yrs) I get one minute "you've ruined my life" then "I love you please I'm begging you don't leave me, don't do this"  She has seen a doctor, they are changing her medication... I see citalopram and alcohol can cause psychosis... I just feel so sorry for her, but also the 31 voicemails ranging from don't ignore me hysterics to total calm just seem to me someone who is mentally ill or personality disordered... She drinks & even after being arrested two weeks ago for assaulting me whilst blacked out after drinking (I was hiding in the garage with frozen potatoes on my face whilst listening to the house being smashed up)  has continued to drink despite knowing how it makes her... I am at a total dead end with this now :-( I feel so beaten down... I refused to support an assault charge... She will lose her job & the house,  animals will have to be put down... .the cps have dropped it, her bail conditions ended last Friday at 6.30pm... It's been non-stop crazy since then... Meet me, f#ck off back to your sh#tty bedsit! they made you a birthday cake? (Yes it was my birthday Monday & the person I'm staying with made a cake :-/ ... .) "I wanted to make you a cake" blah blah... All this whilst me trying to hold down a job which is heavy hours and deal with my own emotional fall-out... She tore off my clothes, rendered me naked, head butted me in the face, split my lip open... (2nd time in 4months) How can I ever go back? And how do I get my things and stay away? How do I detach without her stalking me? How do I detach without making her worse? The latest thing is the fishtank pump isn't working and I need to go fix it... Oh and the electric bill and the council tax bill need paying... .How am I going to do this?

[Angelwings2012]

Hi everyone,

I'm obviously very new & as the title states, in desperate need of advice & support with a very serious situation involving my partner (soon to be ex-partner)

I'm currently in "safe & hidden" accommodation but it will only be a matter of time before I'm found I'm sure.

Will elaborate more of course but just wanted to introduce myself x

Hi AngelWings2012 

.   We are so glad you found us and have begun posting here.  This site is a source of great support as every members has been effected by BPD in some way.

Im sorry to learn you're in a stressful situation presently.  It sounds like you are safe and staying where you have support. Do you have family nearby as well?  You mention the police have been involved. Those type situations that require law enforcement can bring great stress and can be quite upsetting.  Do you have continued contact with your ex?

Post again when you are able to and keep safe.  We are glad you are here and are sending support.

CVM

Hi Cvm,

Please see my previous post... I am now questioning if it's me with BPD... I just watched a video on this site and it has me questioning everything now... .

[Caredverymuch]

Hi everyone,

I'm obviously very new & as the title states, in desperate need of advice & support with a very serious situation involving my partner (soon to be ex-partner)

I'm currently in "safe & hidden" accommodation but it will only be a matter of time before I'm found I'm sure.

Will elaborate more of course but just wanted to introduce myself x

Hi AngelWings2012 

.   We are so glad you found us and have begun posting here.  This site is a source of great support as every members has been effected by BPD in some way.

Im sorry to learn you're in a stressful situation presently.  It sounds like you are safe and staying where you have support. Do you have family nearby as well?  You mention the police have been involved. Those type situations that require law enforcement can bring great stress and can be quite upsetting.  Do you have continued contact with your ex?

Post again when you are able to and keep safe.  We are glad you are here and are sending support.

CVM

Hi Cvm,

Please see my previous post... I am now questioning if it's me with BPD... I just watched a video on this site and it has me questioning everything now... .

Hi Angelwings2012,

It seems like you and your partner have experienced a great deal of struggles and as a result, a great deal of stress. I am so sorry and I hope things have gotten a bit better for you as such. 

When I joined this site, I read so many of the articles as well as watching videos while continuing to educate myself on BPD and resultant r/s.  The videos spoke so much to me and I felt a great deal of empathy actually listening to those who have been identified as BPD speak about their disorder and their daily challenges.

You mention you feel you could also perhaps share some BPD characteristics after watching some videos.  Do you have a T who could perhaps help you further expand on exploring this? 

CVM

[catnap]

Angelwings2012, like the others, I am so glad you are in a safe place. 

Have you tried calling any of the women's shelters for domestic violence?  They may be able to help you a great deal with the logistics of untangling yourself from your partner. 

[ForeverDad]

Why were you enticed to return?  She seemed to have regrets and have changed.  In reality, it was the distance that made it easier to 'forgive and forget'.  BPD is a mental illness or dysfunction that is more evident the closer the relationship.  When you left, there was distance and she was able to put on her Mask of Seeming Normalcy but when you returned and were back in private or non-public settings with her, she soon faltered and dropped the mask.  For people with BPD (pwBPD) promises are easily made and even more quickly broken. 

Why did she claim her prior relationship was abusive and horrendous?  It is a common behavior for a person with BPD to portray all past relationships as abusive or bad.  After all, if they say the prior partner was abusive, that makes it less likely you will contact that person for information.  They are in Denial that they are the major reason why the relationships failed.  This is Blaming and Blame-Shifting.  Perhaps too, if they portray themselves as victims then potential new partners will go ahead and start a relationship and discount the   Red Flags   when the extreme BPD behaviors start to overwhelm the relationship.

Prediction:  She will tell others including future partners that you too were the abusive one, just like all the others before you.

I am now questioning if it's me with BPD... I just watched a video on this site and it has me questioning everything now... .

You mention you feel you could also perhaps share some BPD characteristics after watching some videos.  Do you have a T who could perhaps help you further expand on exploring this?

We all have traits of one sort or another.  Otherwise we'd all be identical like robots off an assembly line.  It is only when enough traits become unbalanced and extreme that it might be identified as a Personality Disorder or Dysfunction.  So, relax, take the time and effort to get into counseling with an experienced and perceptive counselor and see what observations and conclusions you are given.

Frankly, your writing style and content do not make me think of you as having BPD.  I'm not saying you don't, this is remote peer support after all and our contact is consequently very limited, but I'm inclined to think that at most you only have some traits, not a full-blown acting-out PD.  Stressed, yes, no denying that.  What I'm saying too is that much of this is probably situational, get away and stay away from this person and the worst of your problems and issues will resolve themselves over time.  Time and support are marvelous healers.

[ForeverDad]

Due to my situation (2yrs all told) I am seeking advice, validation for my actions and re-assurance on my gut instinct which, until recently, I have defied and defied.

It has involved the police and that ironically has made things 10x worse in some ways, but also forced the situation to a head and made me realise I / we cannot live like this anymore.

It would have reached this point anyway, sooner or later.  Better to deal with it now and not prolong the agony of indecision and inaction.  It's been observed that a large portion of our problems were created or enabled by our lack of good boundaries and acquiescing to avoid conflict.  It is not wise to be overly passive or an appeaser when dealing with someone suffering from an acting-out disorder such as BPD.  However, having good boundaries is no guarantee the relationship will be healthy and functional, so much depends on whether the other person reciprocates with improved perceptions and behaviors.  And when the conflict and behaviors have become extreme then it's very likely that the only option left is to End the relationship.  Half measures won't work, at least not for long.

Don't expect her to give you Closure, that is something you'll never get from her and it is something you will have 'gift' yourself.  Also, don't expect that you can maintain contact with her after the relationship ends.  She can't be "just friends".  Considering her All or Nothing perceptions it is best to go your separate ways totally once any shared financial issues or material possessions are split or retrieved.

[Matt]

Angelwings,

Well I'm glad you're here, and I'm sorry for what brings you here, but if you get as much support and help as I did when I came here, that will help you a lot!

A few thoughts which I hope might be helpful... .

First, I think you need to set aside your hopes that somehow this person's behavior might change.  It could go up and down, but when someone has a problem that is causing the kind of behavior you describe, it's not realistic to expect that she will get better soon.  If she has BPD, and if she gets a diagnosis, and the right kind of treatment, and if she sticks with it for several years, then she could get her behavior under control, but that's way too many "if"s for you to plan on.  Not many people with BPD ever get treatment, and stick with it.

(By the way, the person in my life with BPD is my ex - married 12 years, 2 kids and 2 stepkids.  She was diagnosed during the divorce, and ordered by the court to get treatment, but she never did - she does not choose to change.  Like most people with BPD.)

So #1 for you has to be your own safety:  Do not be alone with her, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.  Don't assume that she can control her behavior any better now than she did in the past, and even if she seems to be genuinely sorry, and trying to do better, don't think that she can do better for long.  It's a disorder, not something she can change just by trying.

Others have suggested a women's shelter, and maybe you can find some legal resource too - an attorney or even a paralegal - maybe the court where you live has resources like that.

And to get your stuff, you might be able to contact the police and ask them to supervise.  Where I live, they do it all the time - it's called "keep the peace" - you make arrangements with the police to come to the home and watch while you remove personal property like clothes and books - not furniture - and the officer makes sure there is no violence or intimidation.  (And no cost for that service, at least where I live.)

If there are any more threats or violence, I would encourage you to talk to the police, and help them deal with it - tell them everything and support them to do their job - prosecute whatever crimes were committed.  Might seem sad for your ex but it's probably the right thing to do, and maybe even best for her too - she is more likely to get the help she needs if she experiences consequences for her behavior.

Best wishes and I hope you will keep talking with us here - it will help!

Matt

[Angelwings2012]

Thankyou everyone for your kind words and advice... I'm feeling uneasy because she has only text a couple of times to say "take care locking up" (I'm responsible for shutting up a big premises late at night,on my own, with thousands of pounds worth of goods)

It's gone from being bombarded relentlessly with panicky calls , texts and voicemails, to calm and 'normal'.

She says her new medication must be working because she has been gardening and finally able to sleep... I just don't know whether it's all an act or genuinely due to missing medication and drinking alcohol. I guess regardless of the cause, I simply can't stay in a relationship which is so volatile and unpredictable.

I kept a journal of events from last year and there is a definate pattern. A repeat of a build up of behaviour over the course of months to 'flipping point' except this time instead of being smacked in the face, it has escalated to being headbutted and punched. I can't even believe I am writing this!

The police did offer to be present for retrieval of property, but I have a house full so it won't be a quick process. As sensible and advisable as it would be to just grab everything,run, and go NO contact! I am not in an emotional state to cope with it right now and would need to take time off work with no pay and the fallout will be more hysterics and begging/pleading for me to "not leave". I simply cannot take it at the moment, I just can't handle anymore drama and stress.

I know why people stay in abusive relationships. It's very simple... the abuse is easier to deal with than being homeless, bankrupt and alone. I feel for those with children and jointly owned property, everything is used as manipulative tool to make you stay or weaken you to stay.

I feel lucky I have a little room to sleep in, but I won't lie, I miss my home and all I've built there... and I can never return because it could kill me. This is so hard. For months and months I have been praying for a way out, now I have it, I don't know HOW to get through it. Fear obligation and guilt seems to be spot on for me, and I know living with someone under these pretences is not love, it is toxic and unhealthy. I know all this, yet I mourn for the life that was intended...

I don't know what is wrong with me, this person doesn't self-care, doesn't take pride in their appearance, has a horrific temper, is violent, not particularly attractive, has some very unpleasant habits which I find repulsive. Gained 2 stone in weight whilst I've lost the equivalent, makes promises that they simply can't keep, they have no close friends, not one who ever visits or socialises with. I really don't know what on earth I was thinking when I got myself involved so deeply, so quickly with someone I never knew. My ex is a dream by comparison, albeit an unfaithful one.

Sorry to ramble, it helps to write my thoughts down and I would see a therapist if I could afford to, but I can't so this is all I have right now.

Thankyou to you all for being there x

[catnap]

So good to hear from you Angelwings. 

Her now upbeat and "normal" texts are just part of the cycle.  She has to attempt to reassure you that she is now under control, but she is not.  As you are now aware, she will cycle again and explode. 

As to the retrieval of your property, the officer is there to make sure she behaves.  At least a conversation with them about how that works.  You have a great fear of her pleading and begging you not to leave-- it may be that they will keep her separate from you while you are gathering your property.  While you feel overwhelmed at getting all of it out, surely there are some things that would be hard/expensive to replace.  Another alternative might be to ask her to box up a list of items and leave them on the front porch, or another area outside of the house for you to get while she is at work. Of course you would have an officer present just in case. 

It is okay to grieve for "the life that was intended". 

Do be very careful at your job, she knows there are times you are alone.  If she pops up there, ask her to leave, and if she doesn't, do not hesitate to call the police. 

Is there anything else you have to untangle with her--such as a lease or utilities that are in your name? 

[Angelwings2012]

Hi catnap ;-) Thankyou for your reply, I wasn't too far off the mark regarding the calm before the storm... I've had the following on text following a brief call whilst I was on a 5min break at work... the call basically was from me to her to see how she was and 'close down' contact for the rest of the night so I wouldn't have any grief after work on text/phone following my horrific 6 day week... it's not gone how I had hoped. She said "I wish you would just come home" I said "you know (name) that's not going to happen and I can't talk about that now as I need to get back" call ended... .20.09hrs

I then get... .

"I miss you so much  just want you home baby xx" 20.19hrs

and two hours later as I was at work and didn't reply;-

"Can I take you out for lunch tomorrow please x" 22.14hrs

When I finished work I replied "maybe... tho b more like 2ish x"

I need to get to the bank 7 mile away and thought ok, we could meet up in public (safe) place have some food whether it be a sandwich or something... to talk about outstanding financial matters... No... I get the impression that was considered an accepted lunch 'date' to recover the relationship... .urgh... what have I said :-/

I think I'm handling this initial separation wrong... Because i have only 1 day off and we haven't had a single rational meeting since she was arrested, I thought it best to just concentrate on work, keep my job! Live hour to hour, and be polite, loving and not deny her sudden coldness... It's backfired...

I got a reply to the above "that's ok, would say the evening but got to work x" 23.36

I finished work at 23.18...

Got "love you x nite nite xx 00.20

I replied "nite nite" 00.23

Then this... .

"  " 00.24

":)on't you love me? X " 00.24

"How can you tell me you love me on the phone two nights ago and the. Just ignore me now? X " 00.29

"It's not nice being ignored (my name) I don't deserve it" 00.44

I haven't replied, though I so want to rationalise my texts, what I actually mean that is being misinterpreted... Am I the one who is misleading and not making myself clear?

What do you make of this? I said on the phone two nights ago that just because of the situation, it didn't mean I didn't love her... that's a whole load different to saying "I love you" with genuity after a conversation... I can't say those words because I genuinely do not feel that... I feel NUMB.

I need some advice on how to handle this because everything I say & do is being used as a weapon against me depending on the mood she is in... .

I don't think meeting for lunch is such a good idea afterall ( no kidding Sherlock) I don't feel safe to meet her at all... It will be a re-hash of the same old same old stuff... .

Please help me handle this... This is only going to get more difficult... And this is mild compared to last year and I was 300 miles away at my sisters when the really heavy stuff kicked in ... I fear the worst is yet to come... I'm clearly dealing with this wrong... .

Is this a cut & run situation? I live in a tiny town... Should I contact my landlady and pay her monies direct for bills... I've always contributed cash so if I give X £150 for outstanding electric & gas (which is what I'd planned to do tomorrow) will that be turned on me later as a non-existent transaction...

Landlady knew why I left last year... She will probably sell the property if I tell her the truth of the situation... She has already emailed asking if we are in a position to buy it yet... I daren't tell her I've left & the neighbours have been questioned by police... It is so embarrassing and humiliating...

What to do & where to start... I'm mentally fried!

[momtara]

my exH says "nite nite" too and "I don't deserve it."  I got sucked in a lot during our separation and I still have feelings for him.  It's a shame - they have two personalities and the good one doesn't get rid of the bad one.

[catnap]

The landlady seems to be a nice person.  Yes, it might be a bit embarrassing, but chances are likely (due to the small town) she will hear sooner or later.  What if you just said that a similar incident happened and you will no longer be residing at the house.  I am guessing you are on the lease or rental agreement, so you will need to discuss with her about terminating your portion.  Same thing with the utilities.  Yes pay any monies you owe directly to her and politely ask for a receipt. DO NOT LET your ex know that you are talking to the landlady.  It is not your problem if the landlady sells.  You DID NOT cause this situation, you ex did. 

I think she is misinterpreting your texts.  Please do not meet with her. 

Also, please talk to the police about what you need to do to get a Restraining Order or I believe, Non-Molestation Order where you live.  You need something that will protect you from her.  If she violates it, then again it was her choice to do so.  She has gotten you back before and from what you have written I do not think she will go away quietly. 

[ForeverDad]

How can she flip from sweet mode to abandonment mode so quickly?  Search here on "object constancy".  What that means is when you're out of sight and she gets triggered, she quickly forgets WHO you are, your stable and consistent qualities, and she gets those abandonment fears again.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Lack of object consistency

BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the romantic partner

[whirlpoollife]

"... I miss my home and all I built there... ."

Yes you will, but look at it as a building.  You made it the home. And in time you find a new place and it will become home.

Financial papers... .bank account statements, your birth certificate, soc sec card, car titles etc, and sentimental items are what you need when you go back in to retrieve.  Maybe open  a PO box to have your mail forwarded there.

The ones with PD as these don't change. You deserve better and things will get better if you keep moving forward.

[Angelwings2012]

I declined lunch but agreed to meet in a neutral public location to discuss the outstanding bills... The conversation degenerated rapidly to everything perceived as my wrongdoings including raking up stuff from two years ago. After several minutes of non-stop verbal dressing down I realised I could actually just get up and walk away! (Lightbulb moment) which sounds ridiculous, but I've not been a position to do that before because I've always had to return to the home... I think this shocked her somewhat! Got in my car whilst hearing her shout " you owe me money" was rather embarrassing but she didn't stop me getting into my car which was a first... .she usually does, or would stand in front of the car to stop me leaving or even to the extreme like last year lay in front of the car wheels!

After a barrage of texts, whilst I sat quietly on a bench overlooking the sea to compose my shaking, I received the sorry texts, the I love you texts, the "I only wanted to take you out for lunch and be adult like about it" An extremely rapid flip from rage to Mrs nice? The fastest yet to be honest.

I was then asked to meet up with her again at a different location, which I initially said was ridiculous given her behaviour earlier in the afternoon... After much begging and promises, I met her & the dog no less, at a place where I know the owner and she wouldn't play up.This time, she was calm, rational and remarkably civil... .So whilst I may be criticised for going back for round two, I think this proves that there is more than alcohol &  depression going on here... It was like a full cycle, from the desperate need to see me, to resentment I was then there, to trying to undermine me & verbally beat me down to be weak, to not getting her own way, to then trying the nice approach to achieving her objective of me agreeing to pay for the bills because she can't afford to...

I would be interested on any of your imput on this "cycle" because it's almost like bipolar... .

As for the house, I'm not on a formal tenancy, I have no ties to it legal or otherwise, the only thing I have is my limited personal property and a moral obligation to ensure the bills get paid until she is in a more stable emotional & financial position. I could never see her and the dog/cat etc homeless, which I why I moved out in the first place. You cannot rent with animals anywhere here, we were lucky to personally know our landlady and got the place by pure chance. Her previous place was a damp, cold pit of of a home and was making her ill. By meeting me, we were able to afford something 100 times better... with hot water and proper bathroom... Sounds shocking how she was living doesn't it? But that's because she couldn't afford any more financially.

Due to having three different jobs since March this year, I have not been able to contribute equally to the home, she sees this as bleeding her dry and suggests that now I have a better paid job I am choosing to leave her 'high and dry" Trying to get her to see that the reason I have left is due to the intolerable dynamic of the relationship and the recent assault on myself is not believed... She even suggested that I lied to the police about her head butting me... She refuses to accept she was capable of that and denies it happened... That was something I found astonishing and proves I have been very fortunate to escape without a criminal charge myself. Just crazy to even be writing this, this isn't / wasn't a loving relationship, it's just crazy & I see now, was sending me slowly crazy with it...

I need to get a personal loan from my bank (if they will offer it) so to do this I need a permanent residence, so a p/o box won't cut it. I had hoped to get three months under my belt at the new job before approaching the bank, for proof of income. I guess I will have to see what they say. I certainly, come January, will not be able to afford the 24% interest on £10,000 which is what I'm facing when it comes out its 0% rate.

At least I still have my job eh!

[catnap]

What I see is that now she is attempting to abuse you financially.  Please think about this.  What did you agree that you "owed"?  If you agreed based on "until she gets on her feet"--this is likely never to happen.  If she had chosen to leave do you think she would have been agreeable to keep paying bills? 

I would be interested on any of your input on this "cycle" because it's almost like bipolar... .

Disordered people can cycle rapidly also.  Bi-polar or BPD--does it really matter?  She is dangerous. 

I certainly, come January, will not be able to afford the 24% interest on £10,000 which is what I'm facing when it comes out its 0% rate.

I am sorry, but I do not understand this?  Is the loan to pay her off?

[ForeverDad]

The conversation degenerated rapidly to everything perceived as my wrongdoings including raking up stuff from two years ago. After several minutes of non-stop verbal dressing down I realised I could actually just get up and walk away! (Lightbulb moment) ... .I think this shocked her somewhat! ... .After a barrage of texts, whilst I sat quietly on a bench overlooking the sea to compose my shaking, I received the sorry texts, the I love you texts, the "I only wanted to take you out for lunch and be adult like about it" An extremely rapid flip from rage to Mrs nice? The fastest yet to be honest.[/quote]
You set a boundary, that you wouldn't suffer her rants and rages, that was why she flipped to nice so quickly.  You're not the easy mark/target you once were.  See how distance helps, that she realizes you're not under obligation to return?  Have you read Dr Joe Carver's articles on Controllers, Losers, Users and Abusers?

What I see is that now she is attempting to abuse you financially.  Please think about this.  What did you agree that you "owed"?  If you agreed based on "until she gets on her feet"--this is likely never to happen.  If she had chosen to leave do you think she would have been agreeable to keep paying bills?

She's using F.O.G. against you --- Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Think about all three and how they apply to your relationship and how she's using them against you.

I would be interested on any of your input on this "cycle" because it's almost like bipolar... .

Disordered people can cycle rapidly also.  Bi-polar or BPD--does it really matter?  She is dangerous.

People easily confuse Bi-polar & BPD.  Bi-polar, as I understand it, is a chemical imbalance that can be treated with meds.  BPD is a personality disorder or dysfunction that might be 'moderated' with meds but the real lasting fix is long term therapy that is focused and diligently applied.

As for "does it really matter", if this ever gets to court then the professionals there will likely stick to the behaviors, not the whys of the behaviors.  You would do well to do similarly.  You've tried to help, more and longer than others may have done, but it's time to accept you've done your best and doing more is not sensible - or safe.

A pithy observation that has sometimes been attributed to various notable people of past ages, "Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."  You've tried many times.  And ultimately failed every time.  Further attempts are likely to fail as well.  It's not worth the risks.

[Angelwings2012]

What I see is that now she is attempting to abuse you financially.  Please think about this.  What did you agree that you "owed"?  If you agreed based on "until she gets on her feet"--this is likely never to happen.  If she had chosen to leave do you think she would have been agreeable to keep paying bills? 

I would be interested on any of your input on this "cycle" because it's almost like bipolar... .

Disordered people can cycle rapidly also.  Bi-polar or BPD--does it really matter?  She is dangerous. 

I certainly, come January, will not be able to afford the 24% interest on £10,000 which is what I'm facing when it comes out its 0% rate.

I am sorry, but I do not understand this?  Is the loan to pay her off?

Hi catnap,

We shared the responsibility of the overheads on the property, not equally, because I earn't far far less despite working almost double the hours per week, she is paid monthly, me weekly... so when her money 'ran out' which was frequently by the first week of the month due to the outgoings for rent, telephone utilities etc, my wages would carry us until the next payday. I got a new job six or so weeks ago and now earn on par with her. She has supported me on my job changes to better the income to inevitably better OUR existence together. We had, ironically, suffered the worst part and things were looking up for the future... she sold her 'expensive to run vehicle' and now has a very smart economical car with an affordable monthly payment. Just when I thought things were getting better, despite the incidents preceding, bang... another massive and this time a totally unprovoked incident occurs and the police intervene... I could have gone back, but this latest mess seemed my last chance to break free... I took it, I feel guilty because it sure looks like I've abandoned her and the animals and the responsibilities life entails but I haven't... i have just been to the house and picked up the outstanding gas & electric bills, which are final demands! And in the landlady's name more seriously, and said I will pay them. She was drunk and really out of it... I wasn't expecting that... But then I never know what to expect... she was exceptionally passive, so much so I'd say if she takes an overdose tonight I would not be surprised... she has tried a serious attempt in her previous relationship & was hospitalised, she has threatened it in the past with me, seeing the state she was in just now was eery... She is too quiet! I can only presume the new tablets work differently with alcohol... Since writing the above,she has since text what appeared to be normal texts, but followed up with sarcasm, followed now by the bubbling angry ones... I realise I have upset the apple cart by going to the house and I know I have triggered her, despite being invited there by what seemed a rational and sober text... just shows you cannot read things accurately all the time... or anytime the way things are going!

The £10,000 is my debt alone, that has been incurred from leaving my job at short notice last year when things became too intolerable/dangerous & having to live for 8months with no job or financial help, plus owning a horse which couldn't be sold due to the recession here and the fact he was loaned to a family (urgently last year so I could leave &a return to my family) They rendered him un-rideable/unmanageable... they dumped him back on me with 1 weeks notice in January at a cost of god knows what to keep him until I could lovingly get him straight again and re-homed.

Think I have answered your questions and Thankyou for your imput, it is helping me to see so much clearer, and being away has helped enormously too, I don't feel anywhere as anxious, I actually managed to eat today aswell...

[Matt]

The £10,000 is my debt alone, that has been incurred from leaving my job at short notice last year when things became too intolerable/dangerous & having to live for 8months with no job or financial help, plus owning a horse which couldn't be sold due to the recession here and the fact he was loaned to a family (urgently last year so I could leave &a return to my family) They rendered him un-rideable/unmanageable... they dumped him back on me with 1 weeks notice in January at a cost of god knows what to keep him until I could lovingly get him straight again and re-homed.

In the US, any debt incurred during the marriage belongs to both of you.  Our law comes mostly from English law, so I imagine it's probably the same there.

Saying "it's my debt alone" is probably a mistake, unless your attorney tells you that.

[Angelwings2012]

The conversation degenerated rapidly to everything perceived as my wrongdoings including raking up stuff from two years ago. After several minutes of non-stop verbal dressing down I realised I could actually just get up and walk away! (Lightbulb moment) ... .I think this shocked her somewhat! ... .After a barrage of texts, whilst I sat quietly on a bench overlooking the sea to compose my shaking, I received the sorry texts, the I love you texts, the "I only wanted to take you out for lunch and be adult like about it" An extremely rapid flip from rage to Mrs nice? The fastest yet to be honest.

You set a boundary, that you wouldn't suffer her rants and rages, that was why she flipped to nice so quickly.  You're not the easy mark/target you once were.  See how distance helps, that she realizes you're not under obligation to return?  Have you read Dr Joe Carver's articles on Controllers, Losers, Users and Abusers?

What I see is that now she is attempting to abuse you financially.  Please think about this.  What did you agree that you "owed"?  If you agreed based on "until she gets on her feet"--this is likely never to happen.  If she had chosen to leave do you think she would have been agreeable to keep paying bills?

She's using F.O.G. against you --- Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  Think about all three and how they apply to your relationship and how she's using them against you.

I would be interested on any of your input on this "cycle" because it's almost like bipolar... .

Disordered people can cycle rapidly also.  Bi-polar or BPD--does it really matter?  She is dangerous.

People easily confuse Bi-polar & BPD.  Bi-polar, as I understand it, is a chemical imbalance that can be treated with meds.  BPD is a personality disorder or dysfunction that might be 'moderated' with meds but the real lasting fix is long term therapy that is focused and diligently applied.

As for "does it really matter", if this ever gets to court then the professionals there will likely stick to the behaviors, not the whys of the behaviors.  You would do well to do similarly.  You've tried to help, more and longer than others may have done, but it's time to accept you've done your best and doing more is not sensible - or safe.

A pithy observation that has sometimes been attributed to various notable people of past ages, "Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results."  You've tried many times.  And ultimately failed every time.  Further attempts are likely to fail as well.  It's not worth the risks.[/quote]
Hi forever dad, I shall be looking at the recommended article straight after replying to you, I am sucking up every ounce of info I can right now, so Thankyou for the link!

I did read a fair bit about FOG and if you bear with me here... .I thought maybe I am at fault for engaging in a relationship so quickly with someone,following the unplanned forced exit of my previous 12yr relationship. I was concerned it was a rebound, I doubted my feelings wondering if it was love verses something else that mirrored the feeling of love, I questioned all of this and then decided to stop questioning and doubting and just go with it... I honestly didn't feel I had anything to lose... for I had already lost so much, this person brought happiness to my life, we shared common interests, she made me laugh, allowed me to be myself, we shared an intellectual level,it was a new beginning, and a new life, in a beautiful part of the country and it seemed idyllic... ONLINE.

Returning to FOG, my initial 'feeling of love' Which I didn't want to admit quite early on (by sixth months of living together) was probably idealisation, infatuation, and a fake feeling of 'moving on' despite being riddled with pain and I wonder ptsd following the nature of the previous breakup (it was horrific) she was someone who knew how to build me up, she supported me, she understood, she listened, she gave me the sense of security, she would never cheat on me etc etc... .   So WE remained in the relationship working it all out together, getting to know each other living together... Her drink-driving worried me, but many drink-drive where we live... seems like the uk was 30yrs ago... then she talked me into buying a pony... .my total dream... I moved in on sept13th 2012 he arrived nov 7th... .Mistake of the highest order, may aswell have got pregnant, but at least you can put a baby in the car when you need to escape... .that's another story... .

I recall how this person,who I had met for the very first time, actually drank alcohol the morning of catching the train to make the 4hr journey to meet me, citing nerves, and when I drove us from the station, she said please don't look at me I'm really shy. This person actually didn't ever wear make-up as a rule... maybe to go out, but then she never went out, her profile on her dating site didn't look anything like her, I overlooked this, I felt a bit cheated but looked beyond that, but she didn't ever dress nicely when we started living together, because she said owning a horse and visiting the stables twice a day, what was the point, she didn't bother for work either... .she really didn't have decent clothes to wear, despite professing to have dresses and this and that... she never had any of this... so I bought her some new jeans and tops and a pair of nice boots... thought that it was due to money & that is sad when a woman wants to look and feel like a woman but simply hasn't had the money, she accused me of trying to make her like my ex, that she was herself and not superficial, this was after the initial 'make an effort' phase of four months (my ex was very attractive)I relented and decided, ok, I was being superficial and this is country life so obviously everyone must be like this... I was wrong... .R didn't really care for her personal hygiene much, she never smelled,but she had no hot water or a bath to get in (full of junk) in her old place & she took a bath at her workplace the night before we very first met... I thought this weird at the time but let it go... she was having a tough time financially & couldn't afford to get the hot water issue to be fixed on her place, was no doubt embarrassed, I let it go, I could help with that, I could fix it. I did!  Oh my, but her toilet habits really upset me, I frequently had to clean the toilet of diorrhea splatters (I know this is just awful) she wet the bed frequently when sleeping, usually after drinking, she wrecked my mattress topper, she would pee during xyz and cited a weak bladder, I said there was things that could be done for stress incontinence and physical issues like that... she promised to make a docs appointment... That was two years ago... she vomited most mornings, had road rage over really silly things, was exceptionally messy & would leave crisp packets, rubbish, dirty clothes, empty cans anywhere and everywhere, put cigarettes out in bottle tops, on dinner plates, leave the ashtray over brimming, leave dog poo in a bag in the garden rather than just put it in the bin, that's if the dog poo was ever picked up... .The garden in her old place was just dog poo city... everywhere you tried to walk... Had some kind of sleep disorder, sleep walked, peed on the carpet, peed in my suitcase with all my clean washed clothes when I moved back last year, I mean the list is endless, the hoarding... the spare room is just full of stuff... What is this stuff... It's stuff she used to sell to make money, yet she had it when I met her two years ago, most of it in the bath... Writing this and reading this is just heartbreaking... .I'm not sure this is who she wants to be or how she wants to be... it's certainly not how I was raised or want to live... Meeting the parents, having spoke on the phone a lot, was an eye opener... mum sounded so lovely and warm and friendly... took the 100 mile trip for the first visit. Their house was also a total mess of hoarding... My heart just sank, I will never forget it... And I looked past it, I thought to myself, don't be so shallow, they are welcoming you into their home and there you are looking around and being a snob... These people are clearly poor financially and this is how they live... You are in a relationship with their daughter not them... .

I see a depressed struggling person who has very low self esteem and a big anger problem to boot... And that applies to me now too... Though my anger has subsided since being away... I actually feel more sane than I have in a very very long time... I haven't helped her at all, I feel like it's ME that has made her like this... .I like a drink, especially after work, I like a BBQ & I like to be social... My ex & I are on good terms, despite splitting up over infidelity. Our relationship of 12yrs was very very challenged in too many ways to explain here, but never ever did I lay a hand on her... in fact she slapped ME once haha... That is all... .but I drank a lot through that relationship too, and was verbally abusive, so I know what I am to an extent and I guess my ex was so busy getting validation sexually that it was also a toxic relationship that made me feel inferior. So what invokes such violent rage and why, when R says "I've never hit anyone before" have I been the one to receive it? Why me & what is it about the relationship that has made us so toxic toward one another?

R insists it is because she messed up taking her citalopram and drank on it...

I see me, a co-dependant/narc meets a narcissist (12yr relationship) and me, then meets a borderline or pd next... I sought psychodynamic counselling for the last one, she insisted, I was the one being abused?I found that bizarre! I didn't feel like I was being abused... .?

I know I am co-dependant, I know I have narcissistic traits, I know I have anxiety and I know I am/do/have always self-medicated with alcohol. I know I must hold down my job, I know I must not weaken and I know I cannot fix R when I am not a whole person myself... I think I am a very damaged person but I also think I am going to be just fine... just need to stay strong and keep away...

[livednlearned]

I know why people stay in abusive relationships. It's very simple... the abuse is easier to deal with than being homeless, bankrupt and alone.

That might be why people stay in abusive relationships, but it doesn't explain why people choose to return to them.

You were able to walk away from your ex when she became abusive, get in your car, and drive away. Keep focusing on that image, that feeling, whatever was going on in your heart and mind when you did that. The person you were when you did that is the person you need to keep being, over and over and over, until it becomes habit. Every time you find yourself second-guessing this relationship, wondering if it was you or her, keep bringing that moment back. You, walking away, getting into your car, feeling strong, setting a boundary, protecting and taking care of yourself. String together a whole bunch of those moments and collect them until you have a full set and can't remember for the life of you why it was ever so hard to love and respect yourself like this.

If your ex ever gets help, if she ever stops drinking or gets the right medication or learns how to take responsibility for her own behavior, if she ever learns how to have a disagreement without beating someone up or abusing them, it won't be with you. You have already shown her again and again and again that she can do anything she wants to you, and the relationship will continue. Returning to her, no matter what, just tells her that she can cycle all she wants, and while it might be a bit unpleasant for you, it can't be all that bad because you keep coming back. The people most willing to tolerate abuse are the absolutely least likely to get someone to change.

By the way, the cycle you talk about is a classic modus operandi that abusers use to keep your head spinning. Just when you're about to assert a boundary and take care of yourself, they apologize and say anything they need to get you to stay. Maybe not stay in the relationship, but stay engaged. Someone as seriously sick and ill as your ex probably finds that the conflict is preferable to feeling nothing. Someone who is BPD abhors the silence because there is no "self" there to connect with. Better that there is conflict and drama and something intense that helps her feel, period. The fact that you tolerate the conflict is equal to the fact that you appreciate the pleasure -- for you, one is traumatizing and the other is wonderful. For a BPD sufferer, the engagement is meaningful whether it is abusive or not.

I went through the same thing you are going through now, minus the physical abuse (although it's splitting hairs, since my ex liked to throw things next to my head. It was hard to tell if he had good aim or bad, since alcohol was usually involved). You'll never get a diagnosis about what is really going on with her, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Psychiatrists tell me that a true diagnosis can't occur until the brain has been sober for six months. And if someone is as defended as your ex sounds like she is (excuses for everything, lies, manipulation, projection, etc.) it's not likely she would a) give up alcohol for you (she doesn't need to, you'll take her back based on what she says, not what she does), and b) if she got a diagnosis, she would reject it. It's never her fault, and the alcohol works just fine for her. She keeps meeting women who get involved with her, so why change?

You are the woman who got in your car and drove away when someone was abusive to you. Keep connecting with that -- when you feel obligated or guilty or fearful, summon that imagine and feeling in your mind and stay in it until you feel safe again.

And talk to a lawyer if you can afford it. You need someone objective to guide you here -- you're too emotionally invested, still extracting yourself from the guilt, feeling like you owe this person something. Find someone who can tell you what is or isn't fair in terms of what you owe (or even if you owe) and then listen to them. They aren't enmeshed in guilt and drama and are much more likely to see things clearly than you.

[Matt]

And talk to a lawyer if you can afford it. You need someone objective to guide you here -- you're too emotionally invested, still extracting yourself from the guilt, feeling like you owe this person something. Find someone who can tell you what is or isn't fair in terms of what you owe (or even if you owe) and then listen to them. They aren't enmeshed in guilt and drama and are much more likely to see things clearly than you.

Actually, even if money is short, there are probably ways to get good legal help.

Quite a few family law attorneys give a free initial consultation.  You can meet with as many as you want - ask questions and learn a lot.

Some may also take the case on contingency - get their money out of the settlement.

And many communities have free legal resources provided by the court - "legal aid", which can be public employees or private attorneys doing pro bono work.  Many communities also have women's shelters with legal resources at no cost.

Reach out - call the court or go there - ask questions.  You can probably get good help without a lot of cost.

[livednlearned]

Also want to add that my ex did the text messaging thing yours does -- making you think she's watching, or sees you, or whatever.

I found that Gavin de Becker's Gift of Fear was a helpful book for me to read when my fears went into the red zone. When you have a psychotic or abusive person in your life and you feel paranoid or threatened, you need to learn from a pro what to do with those feelings. de Becker is a pro.

There is a clear and rational voice in your head that will help you gauge the danger level. Sometimes people who are disordered are actually very predictable, if not stable. You probably have a gut feeling about what is "normal" about the abuse in your relationship. If the hair raises on the back of your neck when you go to lock up one night at your job, pay attention to it. It's likely that your animal instincts picked up on something your ex did or said (or didn't do -- like the quiet before the storm), and your body is trying to tell you something.

Don't feel guilty about calling the police, or asking someone where you work to escort you, or look out for you. Or come check on you. Just don't. I know you're knew at your job and don't want people to know, but what I learned is that you would be surprised how many people have experienced something similar in their lives, or have loved ones who have dealt with this.

And change up your routine for a while.

Not sure about your ex, but mine was way more interested in psychological warfare than doing anything that involved actual work.

[Angelwings2012]

I know why people stay in abusive relationships. It's very simple... the abuse is easier to deal with than being homeless, bankrupt and alone.

That might be why people stay in abusive relationships, but it doesn't explain why people choose to return to them.

You were able to walk away from your ex when she became abusive, get in your car, and drive away. Keep focusing on that image, that feeling, whatever was going on in your heart and mind when you did that. The person you were when you did that is the person you need to keep being, over and over and over, until it becomes habit. Every time you find yourself second-guessing this relationship, wondering if it was you or her, keep bringing that moment back. You, walking away, getting into your car, feeling strong, setting a boundary, protecting and taking care of yourself. String together a whole bunch of those moments and collect them until you have a full set and can't remember for the life of you why it was ever so hard to love and respect yourself like this.

If your ex ever gets help, if she ever stops drinking or gets the right medication or learns how to take responsibility for her own behavior, if she ever learns how to have a disagreement without beating someone up or abusing them, it won't be with you. You have already shown her again and again and again that she can do anything she wants to you, and the relationship will continue. Returning to her, no matter what, just tells her that she can cycle all she wants, and while it might be a bit unpleasant for you, it can't be all that bad because you keep coming back. The people most willing to tolerate abuse are the absolutely least likely to get someone to change.

By the way, the cycle you talk about is a classic modus operandi that abusers use to keep your head spinning. Just when you're about to assert a boundary and take care of yourself, they apologize and say anything they need to get you to stay. Maybe not stay in the relationship, but stay engaged. Someone as seriously sick and ill as your ex probably finds that the conflict is preferable to feeling nothing. Someone who is BPD abhors the silence because there is no "self" there to connect with. Better that there is conflict and drama and something intense that helps her feel, period. The fact that you tolerate the conflict is equal to the fact that you appreciate the pleasure -- for you, one is traumatizing and the other is wonderful. For a BPD sufferer, the engagement is meaningful whether it is abusive or not.

I went through the same thing you are going through now, minus the physical abuse (although it's splitting hairs, since my ex liked to throw things next to my head. It was hard to tell if he had good aim or bad, since alcohol was usually involved). You'll never get a diagnosis about what is really going on with her, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Psychiatrists tell me that a true diagnosis can't occur until the brain has been sober for six months. And if someone is as defended as your ex sounds like she is (excuses for everything, lies, manipulation, projection, etc.) it's not likely she would a) give up alcohol for you (she doesn't need to, you'll take her back based on what she says, not what she does), and b) if she got a diagnosis, she would reject it. It's never her fault, and the alcohol works just fine for her. She keeps meeting women who get involved with her, so why change?

You are the woman who got in your car and drove away when someone was abusive to you. Keep connecting with that -- when you feel obligated or guilty or fearful, summon that imagine and feeling in your mind and stay in it until you feel safe again.

And talk to a lawyer if you can afford it. You need someone objective to guide you here -- you're too emotionally invested, still extracting yourself from the guilt, feeling like you owe this person something. Find someone who can tell you what is or isn't fair in terms of what you owe (or even if you owe) and then listen to them. They aren't enmeshed in guilt and drama and are much more likely to see things clearly than you.

Thankyou for your reply, very much appreciated. I found the statement about being able to just walk away very empowering and it really hit a nerve... I can choose to just not take it now... now i have a safe place to sleep and "come home to" that involves no turmoil, no pressure... it feels so strange to leave work and not have any pressure... so so strange... .

I don't need a lawyer for this... I'm lucky in that the only obligations I have are to the landlady's bills... and that is not contractual, more moral. I have enough to cover the last three months gas & electric and I will be paying that out of goodwill and ensure that no ammunition can be used against me. That I didn't abandon ship and watch it sink... I feel so very strongly about this.

She has cooled off since knowing I have the bills in my possession and I will be paying them. She feels very ill today, she by her own admission had actually drank over half a bottle of vodka by the time I saw her last night... Her text this morning read I quote;-

" I don't know what happened and I hope I wasn't vile to you, so fed up of not sleeping, stayed up all day then drank just over half a bottle of vodka. hoping it would knock me out, I guess it did. I'm angry with myself,you weren't intruding this is your home too and I miss and love you xx" 10.59am

So she doesn't remember... ? Just like all the other times... :-/

[Angelwings2012]

The £10,000 is my debt alone, that has been incurred from leaving my job at short notice last year when things became too intolerable/dangerous & having to live for 8months with no job or financial help, plus owning a horse which couldn't be sold due to the recession here and the fact he was loaned to a family (urgently last year so I could leave &a return to my family) They rendered him un-rideable/unmanageable... they dumped him back on me with 1 weeks notice in January at a cost of god knows what to keep him until I could lovingly get him straight again and re-homed.

In the US, any debt incurred during the marriage belongs to both of you.  Our law comes mostly from English law, so I imagine it's probably the same there.

Saying "it's my debt alone" is probably a mistake, unless your attorney tells you that.

Thankyou Matt,

I'm not married fortunately and the financial debt is mine, not joint, to clarify x

No legal advice required on this situation, just help with the dynamics of navigating a safe permanent exit from being involved with someone who is unsafe to be around a lot of the time and has physically hurt me. Just want to detach the best way possible for both our sakes.

Angel x

[catnap]

So she doesn't remember... ? Just like all the other times... :-/

You are right. . .this is her "go to" blanket excuse for her bad behavior. 

I have enough to cover the last three months gas & electric and I will be paying that out of goodwill and ensure that no ammunition can be used against me. That I didn't abandon ship and watch it sink... I feel so very strongly about this.

What is the plan to safely find out what is owed each month to the landlady?  I am assuming that you will give the landlady notice sometime in December that you are no longer staying at the home? 

[livednlearned]

So she doesn't remember... ? Just like all the other times... :-/

You are right. . .this is her "go to" blanket excuse for her bad behavior. 

My ex has some similarity to yours, Angelwings2012. He is some kind of bipolar, comorbid with BPD, strong narc traits, an alcoholic, and takes medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. One night he had a fairly severe psychotic episode that led to a psych eval (for custody reasons). The official line in the messages to the lawyers and the psychologist was that he "couldn't remember" anything, due to ambien apparently. But then somehow he managed to have a very clear and detailed recollection of the night when he was asked to explain the meaning of his text messages. Somehow "I don't remember" became "It's all LnL's fault."

[Angelwings2012]

Well at least I'm well informed of what is possibly next to come, I had to leave work last night as I lost part of my vision in both eyes, the doctor wanted to sign me off until a review on Wednesday but I can't afford to be off. He said it was a stress induced migraine type thing and said I was in no fit state to be at work... This whole thing has really knocked me sideways. R is aware and is being very caring and sorry about it... I have to go in to work and see my boss today... Goodness knows what he is going to say :-( I'm hoping I have done enough for him this past two weeks that he will be empathetic to my situation, I really cannot handle any more pressure...

[catnap]

Angelwings2012, I am so sorry to hear that your health has taken a turn.  Sending positive thoughts that your boss is kind and understanding.   

[Angelwings2012]

I know why people stay in abusive relationships. It's very simple... the abuse is easier to deal with than being homeless, bankrupt and alone.

That might be why people stay in abusive relationships, but it doesn't explain why people choose to return to them.

You were able to walk away from your ex when she became abusive, get in your car, and drive away. Keep focusing on that image, that feeling, whatever was going on in your heart and mind when you did that. The person you were when you did that is the person you need to keep being, over and over and over, until it becomes habit. Every time you find yourself second-guessing this relationship, wondering if it was you or her, keep bringing that moment back. You, walking away, getting into your car, feeling strong, setting a boundary, protecting and taking care of yourself. String together a whole bunch of those moments and collect them until you have a full set and can't remember for the life of you why it was ever so hard to love and respect yourself like this.

If your ex ever gets help, if she ever stops drinking or gets the right medication or learns how to take responsibility for her own behavior, if she ever learns how to have a disagreement without beating someone up or abusing them, it won't be with you. You have already shown her again and again and again that she can do anything she wants to you, and the relationship will continue. Returning to her, no matter what, just tells her that she can cycle all she wants, and while it might be a bit unpleasant for you, it can't be all that bad because you keep coming back. The people most willing to tolerate abuse are the absolutely least likely to get someone to change.

By the way, the cycle you talk about is a classic modus operandi that abusers use to keep your head spinning. Just when you're about to assert a boundary and take care of yourself, they apologize and say anything they need to get you to stay. Maybe not stay in the relationship, but stay engaged. Someone as seriously sick and ill as your ex probably finds that the conflict is preferable to feeling nothing. Someone who is BPD abhors the silence because there is no "self" there to connect with. Better that there is conflict and drama and something intense that helps her feel, period. The fact that you tolerate the conflict is equal to the fact that you appreciate the pleasure -- for you, one is traumatizing and the other is wonderful. For a BPD sufferer, the engagement is meaningful whether it is abusive or not.

I went through the same thing you are going through now, minus the physical abuse (although it's splitting hairs, since my ex liked to throw things next to my head. It was hard to tell if he had good aim or bad, since alcohol was usually involved). You'll never get a diagnosis about what is really going on with her, and quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Psychiatrists tell me that a true diagnosis can't occur until the brain has been sober for six months. And if someone is as defended as your ex sounds like she is (excuses for everything, lies, manipulation, projection, etc.) it's not likely she would a) give up alcohol for you (she doesn't need to, you'll take her back based on what she says, not what she does), and b) if she got a diagnosis, she would reject it. It's never her fault, and the alcohol works just fine for her. She keeps meeting women who get involved with her, so why change?

You are the woman who got in your car and drove away when someone was abusive to you. Keep connecting with that -- when you feel obligated or guilty or fearful, summon that imagine and feeling in your mind and stay in it until you feel safe again.

And talk to a lawyer if you can afford it. You need someone objective to guide you here -- you're too emotionally invested, still extracting yourself from the guilt, feeling like you owe this person something. Find someone who can tell you what is or isn't fair in terms of what you owe (or even if you owe) and then listen to them. They aren't enmeshed in guilt and drama and are much more likely to see things clearly than you.

Thank you,  your post had a profound impact when I read it and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to post it... I have been without Internet so I am using my phone to reply... I am going to copy and paste a reply I have just typed (took ages on my little phone) as a massive thankyou & update thus far x