Hints that they would dump you

[Loveofhislife]

Good afternoon, BPD Family:

I just finished reading a topic started by Freedom33:  hints (early on) that our SO had BPD.  I definitely saw    early on but ignored them:  neediness, clinginess, mirroring, sense of superiority, grandiosity, unreasonable jealousy, and obsessive/compulsive texting.  After quite a few years of pain and grieving the loss of two parents, two in-laws, the near death of my son, and a divorce from a 25-year marriage; I must have loved the attention and adoration from my exbfBPD.

He was the last person on the planet I imagined would split me black, give me silent treatment (nearly two months); and essentially dump me (but how would I know? he's not speaking to me)

Anyway, I've spent quite a lot of time thinking about how he hinted that he was going to leave me.  Other questions in topics ask, do pwBPD do things on purpose to hurt us?  Mine certainly did:  premeditated and brilliantly executed.  I have since written him that he has treated me worse than anyone in my life, yet he constantly said and texted that I was the best friend he ever had, no one had ever cared for and loved him as I did. Then POOF.  He's gone.  He lives in my neighborhood, and I think he is literally gone--almost without a trace.

So, what hints did I have? I felt him distancing--I sensed it; I can't cite any specific behaviors:  less responsive by phone, getting angry with me over small things; making plans that he would later break, and overall change in his "routine".

But here's the real foreboding:  weeks before he disappeared he said, "I think it's time that I go dark again; I'm going to be Darkman; you can buy me the Halloween costume."  This statement was embedded into more text/discussion about his financial situation that he couldn't get a handle on--despite a well paying job, his Sugar Mama (me)   and his helping himself to my credit cards in addition to his multiple streams of other income.

Was he warning me? Were you given hints?

[Bak86]

- Last week i saw her, i couldn't touch her at all.

- Less responsive by text

- Distancing emotionally

- Getting grumpy at every little thing

actually not that uncommon for a normal person that's about to breakup. so i don't think it's BPD typical.

[toomanytears]

'I'm going to divorce you in ten years time'. Hardly a hint eh?

But he said it so often and then reneged, I dismissed it. I loved him. I thought he was in pain and so I stayed on and kept it all together. We had two lovely children, a good life, I thought, and not worth losing over a stupid throw away threat. And he was so loving in between the black times. Made me feel I was his soulmate. All in all, there were so many reasons to stay.

Fourteen years later it happened for real. Redundancy and the trauma surrounding that experience had delayed his departure but once he got back on his feet and found a new top job, and a new, possible two, adoring females, he was true to his word, ... .oh and it was all my fault... .of course

[Confused?]

Mine distanced herself so it was easy to see. She was the type that wanted to see me everyday and I found it quite strange when I would try to see her and she was "busy" considering she never did anything. That mixed with calls few and far between and same with texts. Only answered me when she wasn't around her new supply. The biggest giveaway was when I was blocked on social media. Like I never existed. But in my experience the pushing herself away pretty much meant it was time for me to give up because she clearly had given up. I never encountered anything good coming out of them claiming they need space and time to work on themselves. Once something strikes you as "different" in the way they normally act it is not a good thing. Even tho the way they normally act isn't good either  

[Loveofhislife]

TMT, Confused, and Bak: Thanks so much for your responses, and I'm sorry for each of us and our SO's. I keep thinking, "How could I not see this coming?" Maybe I remained in denial and didn't want to see it. I continue to try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Days before he literally abandoned me, he continued to protest his undying affection and appreciation for me. Now I'm afraid something else has happened. Either way, I can't control it. Hugs to all.

[Popcorn71]

Mine dropped lots of hints.  I didn't see it at the time but looking back it's hard to believe how I missed them.

He asked for copies of things like car insurance documents, got me to sort out paperwork for him, removed all his belongings from my house (we were living separately), and the biggest clue - told me that if we ever split up he would like to think he could turn up in a few years time, when my kids had left home and that if I was single we could give it another go!

I dread that knock on the door ever happening

[Confused?]

Love is a word to them. It really opens your eyes to hear them say I love you more than anything and you are the one for me, only to see just one day later start a relationship with someone new. All in all it's just words to them. Lies games manipulations. All just words. No feelings for anyone. Everything is all about them. I was replaced twice. The second time was much easier for me as I new what was happening. But she still never admitted it. I talked to her up until pretty much the day that she started her relationship with the new supply. Hearing all lies about how she wants us to be together forever but she needs time. She even texted me a week after they started dating asking me how I was doing. Who does this? A very sick person. During her time of seeing her new supply I was hospitalized twice for health issues and lost a family member. One of the few times I saw her was for her birthday to give her a present. It was pretty expensive and I wrote a letter with it. She told me to leave after being at her house for an hour. Pretty cold. Then my birthday came and nothing. Just a happy birthday and that's it. Two weeks later I was replaced a second time and now working on myself. It's amazing to think that I could ever love someone that is so heartless. So completely uncaring for anyone but herself. But I'm doing well now even tho it is still pretty recent. The point is no matter how hard any of us try, we can't help the inevitable.

[Blimblam]

The thing that is so hard to wrap ones head around is that everything was true and everything was a lie.  The borderline personality has been corrupted by situations outside their control.  They seek to control because they are out of control. Everything is paradoxical. It is a great tragedy and a cosmic joke.  The tricky part is to depersonalize it without dehumanizing it. In our own struggle to regain power over our own life we also face the corrupting force as we attempt to empower ourselves. Know the darkness but let compassion be your guide.

[blissful_camper]

... .yet he constantly said and texted that I was the best friend he ever had, no one had ever cared for and loved him as I did.

Was he warning me? Were you given hints?

(In bold)  I heard that as well.  My ex shared that no one had ever done as much for him as I had.  

While I was the one that left the r/s, there were plenty of hints that he had one foot out the door as the r/s was coming to an end.

• He expressed that he only wanted to spend time with me once per week



• A few months before I left, he expressed an interest in helping another woman find a car (she became my replacement)



• He had a lack of sexual interest in me



• He became more critical of me



• Distancing behavior



• When I opened a dialog about my possibly leaving and moving out of state, he didn't ask me to stay (There was a third person in our r/s, unbeknownst to me)



• When it was clear that I was leaving, he finally expressed that he wanted me to stay, however, he began looking for rentals for me outside of his community (He wanted to be sure the r/s with the replacement would work out prior to my moving out of state)



• He became more evasive than he usually was



• Absences and unexplained whereabouts

My ex and I had a history and had known each other for over a decade.  I thought that he would be the last person to treat me the way that he did.  After I left and moved out of state, he quickly moved on with my replacement.  

[fred6]

- Last week i saw her, i couldn't touch her at all.

- Less responsive by text

- Distancing emotionally

- Getting grumpy at every little thing

actually not that uncommon for a normal person that's about to breakup. so i don't think it's BPD typical.

Actually, all of those have happened with my exBPD. I wouldn't classify them as normal in a normal breakup. The only one that I've noticed in prior breakups is distancing emotionally. This is my last week with her, and last Saturday I kissed her on the back of the head and said, "that's why I love you". She proceeded to go apesh!t and tell me to never show her any affection ever again. Really? After 3 years of her telling me that she loves me on almost a daily basis. I think that's some F'd up sh!t right there... .

To add, she can't stand to be around me unless I don't say much to her, she can't wait for me to move out, and she rages over the slightest things, much more than she used to.

[toomanytears]

The thing that is so hard to wrap ones head around is that everything was true and everything was a lie.  The borderline personality has been corrupted by situations outside their control.  They seek to control because they are out of control. Everything is paradoxical. It is a great tragedy and a cosmic joke.  The tricky part is to depersonalize it without dehumanizing it. In our own struggle to regain power over our own life we also face the corrupting force as we attempt to empower ourselves. Know the darkness but let compassion be your guide.

Very true Blimblam and thanks for the reminder. However it's very hard to depersonalise a disorder that behaves in such a personal, under your skin way. That's it's very nature and that's how it works so well. I know there's a dear little innocent truly loving boy inside this corrupted 56 year old man and I do feel huge compassion for him, but he is impossible to get to... .

[AwakenedOne]

About two months before she abandoned our marriage in a HORRIBLE way she one day said to me "AO what if we dont work out?" as she gave me a doom faced look. I then kissed her and said "We love each other, everything will work out." I talked about our bright future and our dreams coming true together. She just looked at me with this ___ed up look. I really can't describe in words that look. I now know she knew she was gonna split. Wierd loving somebody and being there for them and then they stomp you into the ground and then just dissapear. Hard to not think of her as a monster really.

[ajr5679]

My ex just kept telling me that she needed her own place and her own things. that she owned nothing . I kept saying to her in relationships when you move in with someone you kind of take own there things as well. she new she had BPD . are last split was my idea. the last time she moved out she took everything even the chicken out of the freezer. mine was very open with how she felt and she would tell me that sometime just sitting she would look at me for the reason and hate me.

[Loveofhislife]

." I talked about our bright future and our dreams coming true together. She just looked at me with this ___ed up look. I really can't describe in words that look. I now know she knew she was gonna split. Wierd loving somebody and being there for them and then they stomp you into the ground and then just dissapear. Hard to not think of her as a monster really.

Yes, this is what it was like. He had been soo happy --we had a number of blissful weekends together at the ocean; we seriously discussed buying a beach condo and looked at properties together--it seemed to trigger him in some way: the best of times, the worst of times. The happier he became; the angrier he became (a true irony)--and I hear you BlimBlam and quote your wisdom, but the cruelty is amazing. He KNEW he was leaving me weeks before--dutifully returning "some" things and finishing up projects but never saying a word. My mind missed every hint; my heart knew better. One week to the day before he abandoned me; I began weeping and wailing, seemingly unfounded--All the while, he acted as if nothing was happening. He knew he was leaving me; somehow my heart knew. Coldly, cruelly he left--only saying he would pay my f'ing money back. Never said anything about my heart or my children or my credibility or my sanity. And they're the ones fearing abandonment?

[toomanytears]

." I talked about our bright future and our dreams coming true together. She just looked at me with this ___ed up look. I really can't describe in words that look. I now know she knew she was gonna split. Wierd loving somebody and being there for them and then they stomp you into the ground and then just dissapear. Hard to not think of her as a monster really.

Yes, this is what it was like. He had been soo happy --we had a number of blissful weekends together at the ocean; we seriously discussed buying a beach condo and looked at properties together--it seemed to trigger him in some way: the best of times, the worst of times. The happier he became; the angrier he became (a true irony)--and I hear you BlimBlam and quote your wisdom, but the cruelty is amazing. He KNEW he was leaving me weeks before--dutifully returning "some" things and finishing up projects but never saying a word. My mind missed every hint; my heart knew better. One week to the day before he abandoned me; I began weeping and wailing, seemingly unfounded--All the while, he acted as if nothing was happening. He knew he was leaving me; somehow my heart knew. Coldly, cruelly he left--only saying he would pay my f'ing money back. Never said anything about my heart or my children or my credibility or my sanity. And they're the ones fearing abandonment?

That's the irony isn't it? Loveofhislife, they fear abandonment and yet they abandon us.I know how utterly betrayed and devastated you feel. Months before our marriage ended I mentioned to my friends I had empty nest syndrome even though my children had both left home a while ago. I couldn't understand what was missing. I had experienced so much love bombing and then it stopped. The fog of love/hate surrounding our relationship was so dense it's taken me over a year for it to clear and boy is it painful. Today I came across his emails to me from 2012 making excuses about why he wouldn't be home one weekend. Now i know what it was all about. This road to self realisation feels like death by a thousand cuts at times... .

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you so much, TMT. These days validation is so appreciated. I'm truly sorry for what we both are going through; I would like to envision that as we sail out of the FOG, the clearing is a place better than we ever imagined: a life better than before or during our r/s with pwBPD. A cove of our own making... .where we float, if we want to instead of fighting our way through a storm of someone else's making: it begins to feel very good to be out of that storm and through the FOG.

So why is there still the pang and longing?

[toomanytears]

Thank you so much, TMT. These days validation is so appreciated. I'm truly sorry for what we both are going through; I would like to envision that as we sail out of the FOG, the clearing is a place better than we ever imagined: a life better than before or during our r/s with pwBPD. A cove of our own making... .where we float, if we want to instead of fighting our way through a storm of someone else's making: it begins to feel very good to be out of that storm and through the FOG.

So why is there still the pang and longing?

My theory is that there is such a huge hole left. We dug a big space to accommodate our borderlines and it's just sitting there... .empty . I have to find out how to fill it with something or someone honest and true

[Emelie Emelie]

The first time he started distancing himself and becoming extremely irritable with me a few weeks before he walked. This last time (and it is the last time) it all changed within a week.

[workinprogress]

- Last week i saw her, i couldn't touch her at all.

- Less responsive by text

- Distancing emotionally

- Getting grumpy at every little thing

actually not that uncommon for a normal person that's about to breakup. so i don't think it's BPD typical.

Actually, all of those have happened with my exBPD. I wouldn't classify them as normal in a normal breakup. The only one that I've noticed in prior breakups is distancing emotionally. This is my last week with her, and last Saturday I kissed her on the back of the head and said, "that's why I love you". She proceeded to go apesh!t and tell me to never show her any affection ever again. Really? After 3 years of her telling me that she loves me on almost a daily basis. I think that's some F'd up sh!t right there... .

To add, she can't stand to be around me unless I don't say much to her, she can't wait for me to move out, and she rages over the slightest things, much more than she used to.

That's a really sad story buddy.

[hurting300]

Mine gave no hints at all. We had sex and text all day then when I got home from work She was moved out and didn't answer any more texts or calls.

[Loveofhislife]

Hurting 300--there's a show that's been running on TV this season, "The Leftovers." Without being a spoiler or going into too much detail, I will share that the show is about how people react after their loved ones disappear from the face of the earth with no warning, no discernible pattern about who was taken or why. I have caught myself uncontrollably crying when I watch that show; your post just helped me realize why. Not unlike you, I had been in continual communication (text, phone, email); I had dinner with exbfBPD on August 1 when I dared to remind him of the commitment to repay me a large amount of money he had "borrowed" and/or misappropriated from me. I have not seen or heard from him since. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been "raptured" but I do feel unexplainably abandoned like the "Leftovers." Thank you for helping me know I'm not the only non who suddenly has been "left behind."

[hurting300]

We may be left behind but I can bet we are being watched .