Pushing Their Buttons?

[CeeCee]

So I have a question -- Yesterday was out walking with my 18-year-old daughter. She was telling me how she just bought a $100 present for her boyfriend. She hasn't worked since January, and the only money she had was a graduation gift from her grandmother.

Now I knew that if I even asked the question - no matter how nicely I posed it -- it would lead to a meltdown. But I asked it anyway -- quietly and calmly: "I hope you didn't use the money Grandma gave to you. She meant that to be for you." Well. Immediately the F bombs started dropping, the yelling. I gave her 3 chances to calm down. I said, "Please calm down. I just asked. I didn't yell." Basically my conversation with her need to be just nodding my head and saying yes. So when she wouldn't calm down, I left.

I walked home, and my husband asked what happened. I told him, and he said, when will YOU learn? Don't you want a good relationship with her? Why do you push her buttons? He didn't seem to have an issue with her overblown reaction, or the F bombs she dropped at me.

When I am home, I literally do feel like I am walking on eggshells. My husband believes in nodding yes and keeping his mouth shut to keep the peace. I am not like that, and nor do I want to be. Now that my oldest is off to college, I feel so alone in this house. My husband essentially parents ME VS her to keep everything calm.

I find it so irritating to be with someone (even my daughter) who you can only talk to if you agree with them or just say yes 100% of the time to keep their mood stabilized. Do you all just avoid them or avoid pushing their buttons too? All the time? Is that even the right way to teach your child about the world -- I mean, who is going to placate her 100% of the time?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

I feel your pain. My DD makes the worst decisions with her money, very cringe-worthy a lot of times. And you hurt for her poor, well-meaning Grandma who wanted the money to be for something nice for her, it's tough! If she's 18 and you're supporting her, this makes it even more difficult. I would not be happy if my DD did that either.

By even calmly questioning her or saying "I hope you didn't" she's feeling your judgment. So she raged. I get what you're saying about not placating her all the time, and I also see your DH's point. You don't have to nod and say yes all the time. I like taking the option of not responding at all. This seems to work with my DD's lies. No. attention. what. so. ever. And she seeks attention and approval. Not getting any of that from lies. Never in a million years am I going to win a fact-finding mission argument with her, so I don't even attempt it. That just escalates into a big old mess. Not responding to something does not mean you agree with it.

IMO, Grandma's money was a gift. Once given your DD can do with it as she pleases. DD isn't getting this from your perspective. She just wanted to share her excitement in giving her BF a nice gift with you. If hers isn't a good relationship with BF, or you don't like BF, this makes it extra hard for you to hear, I'm sure.

I disagree with your DH for getting on you for leaving though. I will hear my DD out and listen as she rages, for a minute or so, but then I DO think leaving is a more than an appropriate boundary. Regardless on how one feels on the money issue, her raging at you is not something you have to put up with for hours, or take on as your responsibility to control. That's her issue.

[Rapt Reader]

Unfortunately, CeeCee, DisneyMom is right. Even just calmly and nicely letting her know that you didn't approve of her using the money from her Grandmother sounded like judgment to her, and did "push her buttons" in a way that you certainly didn't intend. Have you had the chance to read the links to the right hand side of this page? Under the TOOLS you will find the communication techniques that can help you understand why that is, and learn how to refrain from button-pushing in the future.

I found that my BPD son (and Husband who has BPD traits) react to any perceived criticism of them in a dysregulated way, no matter how carefully I word my criticism. With validation and S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth to guide my conversations with them, they hear my thoughts without hearing criticism and the dysregulation doesn't happen.

I'm sorry that your relationship with your daughter is causing you irritation and pain; I do know how that feels because until April of 2013 (before I found this site and learned those communication techniques) I used to push their buttons all the time, and then had to deal with their dysregulations and anger continually. Figuring out how their BPD minds were working, and just why I was pushing all of their buttons, and then learning how to not do that anymore, really has saved our family and made all of our lives so much better... .

If you head on over to the sidebar on this page and read through all of the links there (start at the top, and read the TOOLS and THE LESSONS especially), and then come here and ask questions as you have them, we can help you with this. And I do want to assure you that you don't have to be a doormat with your daughter; there is information about setting Boundaries in order to protect yourself and your feelings and your well-being, also 

[js friend]

Hi CeeCee,


like the others posters have i think your dd reacted badly because you started in the negative... .

By stating i hope you didnt... .your dd has nowhere to go with this other than tell a  lie and say she hasnt spent the money on b/f or have a meltdown as she did because she felt judged and criticised... .i think it would feel the same to us  if we had perhaps spent loads of  time choosing a beautiful/dress outfit for a special occasion and then someone comes along and says"your not going to wear that are you?"!  We would probably feel, humiliated, judged,and crushed im sure, but it wouldnt meant that we wouldnt have valued their opinion more if they had put it in another way... .just not so bluntly. By say ing things so bluntly would perhaps mean that we would avoid them and their opinions in the future  if we expect to get criticised like that again.

The blunt truth is often too much for our pwBPD to hear,and thats why using SET is so good. The truth part is still there but is is framed by the Support and Empathy first so when it comes to the Truth part your dd will hopefully still be listening. I agree that  It is often mentally tiring that we cant often just come out and say what we would say  but our pwBPD often just dont have the emotional skills to deal with it, hence we have these meltdowns.


And yes you are right the world wont placate them all the time, but i find that my dd often holds it together more and often doesnt become dysregulated when she is being spoken to firmly by outsiders. The meltdowns(much less now) are often reserved us because she knows that we as her family will always be here for her.

[really???]

DisneyMom,  Thank you for permission to walk away. My 17 yr BPD D has raged at me , followed me from room to room for HOURS and HOURS during some of her episodes. I am divorced from her father and her only other sibling,my son, is 23 and doesn't live at home anymore. I am alone in this battle that no one else understands... .no one GETS it... .

My tactic right now... .as soon as I hear the start of an  escalation that probably isnt going to end well (or at least end soon)

I find the closest set of earbuds,insert into ear and crank my music.

sometimes I feel like maybe I'm pushing her buttons by doing this... .

But there has to be a bit of self preservation, I'm all she has in this world at this point, on her side... .   

[Sstepdad]

 Well if the money was given to her to use for herself she was in a way doing that. I don't get into financial matters with SD 26 she is not good with money and no amount of common sense education on the matter makes one bit of difference.

We just found out she owes 3 car payments again, it was two she bounced a check so now 3 payments behind we are not going to bail her out this, her mom did 6 months ago but this time there is no excuse she has a 40 hour job and lives with us at the moment, paying 75.00 for loan repayment and 75.00 household contribution the rest is hers, car payment and insurance and cell phone. She make enough to have almost 300 a month extra

She has too many buttons to list anything phrased as a question will have the potential for an argument, she loves to argue if she can keep a meaningful topic derailed.

[js friend]

I don't get into financial matters with SD 26 she is not good with money and no amount of common sense education on the matter makes one bit of difference... .


... .She has too many buttons to list anything phrased as a question will have the potential for an argument, she loves to argue if she can keep a meaningful topic derailed.

Yes same here Sstepdad. My dd is particularly sensitive to questions around her finances so i tend to leave the subject well alone.

Yes my dd too. Usually she only wants to argue about something she has accused someone of doing... .which happens to be an awful lot of times. This is when she  has a stack of "evidence" to throw back at you about what, when,and how you did or said it .Other than that it is very hard to have anything like an enjoyable  2 way flowing, info sharing conversation with my dd.

[peace in steel town]

I may be old fashioned, but raging and swearing at your parents is disrespectful. The rest of the world won't tolerate this. Try doing that to your boss, see how long you keep your job. Is her temper the reason why she doesn't have a job? Coddling her and walking on eggshells may preserve the peace, but it won't teach her how inappropriate her reaction is. I doubt she is that nasty to her friends, or said boyfriend.

[chooselove]

Been through hell and back with my own DD and I appreciate your defense of the situation that occurred but I see what your husband is saying.  I don't see it as him placating your daughter because he is not asking you to give her anything she wants... .just to not give her judgment of her actions.  She was probably very hurt and embarrassed because she wanted you to be interested and excited in what she got her boyfriend and instead she felt shame and humiliation from your questioning.  Yeah, it was no doubt money thrown away but what's new, right?  We have to let them learn their own lessons.  Having been in similar situations, where I used to judge and be critical on the outside, I'm now grateful when my DD even wants to share her activities with me.  If people in the family are willing to give her money, this has to be a known expectation, that it may well be used in ways we wouldn't recommend.  Yes, Grandma gave her the money to spend on herself and in a way she is spending it on herself because it made her feel good to give it to her boyfriend as a gift.  Not good judgment perhaps, but it is what it is and I wouldn't be mad at your husband for not wanting to make an issue of it and cause the divide to widen.   Please understand I DO agree with your assessment of how your daughter spent her money... .I just agree (and have learned) it's best to not tell her like that.  One day she will come to you and admit what a fool she was to have spent the money on him.  But it has to come from her after the fact.  I'm actually learning through this to not judge others with my outspoken opinions, too... .i.e. I used to tell my husband all the time how I thought he was not making the best decision.  Living with a BP in the family has caused me to self reflect a lot on my other more normal and happy relationships and see where I don't have to alway be front and center with my 2 cents.