New Member Intro

[Bubby of 4]

I am new to this site but I have been reading a lot of the information and am very interested. My grandson has been exhibiting behavior which is very similar to his mother's behavior (my ex-daughter in law). He will be 8 years old in November and has a twin sister who is a very happy child. My son and I are concerned because his ex-wife has BPD and has not been going to counseling. Everyone she has seen has ended up becoming her "enemy" or they "don't know what they're doing" or they are "unprofessional" or any number of excuses because when they say things she doesn't like, she stops going. She and I were very close until the twins were born and within 4 weeks I was not allowed to see them anymore and I was "evil". Her own mother passed away when she was 21 and she and I were like mother and daughter/best friends. Her illness came as a complete shock to all of us, including my son. They finally divorced last year and are sharing custody half the time. My grandson has been getting worse with controlling his emotions, and is usually anxious and fearful. I have joined this site in hopes of gaining access to some helpful information on dealing with the many issues that keep coming up and maybe gaining some insight into the best ways to approach these different issues.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Caredverymuch]

I am new to this site but I have been reading a lot of the information and am very interested. My grandson has been exhibiting behavior which is very similar to his mother's behavior (my ex-daughter in law). He will be 8 years old in November and has a twin sister who is a very happy child. My son and I are concerned because his ex-wife has BPD and has not been going to counseling. Everyone she has seen has ended up becoming her "enemy" or they "don't know what they're doing" or they are "unprofessional" or any number of excuses because when they say things she doesn't like, she stops going. She and I were very close until the twins were born and within 4 weeks I was not allowed to see them anymore and I was "evil". Her own mother passed away when she was 21 and she and I were like mother and daughter/best friends. Her illness came as a complete shock to all of us, including my son. They finally divorced last year and are sharing custody half the time. My grandson has been getting worse with controlling his emotions, and is usually anxious and fearful. I have joined this site in hopes of gaining access to some helpful information on dealing with the many issues that keep coming up and maybe gaining some insight into the best ways to approach these different issues.

Hi Bubby of 4 

  We are so glad you found us as everyone here has been effected by BPD in some way.

You sound like a wonderful mom, mother in law, and Bubby of 4  Family means the world to me as well and I am so sorry you have been dealing with so much recently.

You will find a great deal of support from many members here who share similar questions and concerns having family members with BPD.  The disorder effects everyone in the family and it is often bought to light after major life events such as the birth of a child.

We are so glad you joined us and I hope you post more when you have time.

CVM

[Panda39]

Hi Bubby 

I too am glad you found us.  I know you will find knowledge, support and understanding here.

Your grandson is a lucky guy to have you in his corner. It's really good that you and dad have been able to spot some issues early that you can hopefully nip in the bud with love and support.  Is your grandson in any kind of therapy? 

I'm dating a man with an uBPDexw with 2 daughters and they both have been in therapy and have found it helpful to have a neutral party to talk about things with, get support from, and develop coping strategies.

I find that I spend much of my time on the [L5] Co-parenting after the Split (for negotiating parenting issues) and [L5] Coping and Healing in a Family with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (trying to see things from the perspective of someone with a BPD parent) but you are by no means limited to those 2 areas.

I encourage you to post your story, questions and concerns you will get lots of different perspectives, ideas and encouragement from the members here.

Wishing you success in your journey to help your grandson. 

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Bubby of 4, and I'd like to join Caredverymuch and Panda39 in welcoming you to our family. I'm so sorry for the troubles you are having with you daughter-in-law, and the fact that you are also seeing BPD tendencies in your grandson. That has got to be really disheartening, and coupled with the difficult relationship you are having with his Mom, it really is sad... .

There are many members of the Parenting Board who can commiserate with you (lots of us have problems with BPD daughters-in-law, or grandchildren who are dealing with BPD Moms and showing BPD themselves, or children of our own with BPD). Please checkout all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, starting at the top and working your way down if possible.

I have joined this site in hopes of gaining access to some helpful information on dealing with the many issues that keep coming up and maybe gaining some insight into the best ways to approach these different issues.

You are in luck    You will find what you are looking for in the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, and by reading the threads on this Board... .And if you tell us more of your story, and describe what is happening that brought you here, we will do the best we can to help you, Bubby of 4  

[qcarolr]

Hi Buddy of 4,

It is important to learn how to communicate and cope with your DIL. These are good suggestions from Rapt Reader, Panda39 and Caredverymuch.

There are lots of grandparents on this board in very similar situations. I am so glad that you and your DS are able to provide some loving stability for the twins. Here is a link that may help understand the dynamics of the gkids relationship with their mom:

TOOLS: When the children of a BPD parent are at risk.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=97979.10

My dh and I are raising our gd9. She has lived with us her whole life; her dad left when she was a baby after he helped us get custody; her mom has been in and out of gd's life. DD28 has been very unstable all of her life. She so needs to work in therapy - for the losses she has suffered since birth (she came to us through adoption at 3 weeks). As an adult there have been multiple bf's she wants to immediately bring into gd's life, homelessness, drug use (her self-medication to numb her pain and suffering), etc. This has all been so traumatic for gd. We finally got it that DD cannot be in our home so gd has stable, safe place in her life.

Gd is currently on meds. for her ADHD that have worked miracles in her school and social abilities. The meds. also push her moods into greater irritability, defiance and aggression. I have come to understand that gd's primary trigger for her intense behaviors are anxiety and fear. It does not look like anxiety or fear. As a care giver I have to look beneath the behaviors for the emotions to find ways to reach her, comfort her and then address the behaviors. PTSD is also in her basket of issues from exposure to her mom's life. She has responded to a mood stabilizing med, though we may need to change due to a side effect. It is hard to medicate such a young child and it is working for her along with attachment focused therapy.

She has been in therapy for several years, and really became able to work verbally when she reached about age 8. The ADD meds. really helped her talk about her thoughts and feelings with me and with her T.  She started in play therapy at age 5  when her mom became homeless. We kicked DD out and I did not know how to explain this to gd and needed support as her grammy/mommy. We also get family therapy from same T and referrals for some parenting group classes. I go, dh gets the 'trickle down'. I am hoping to get him to the next Attachment Focused Family Therapy class in January.

There is a lot of information about attachment issues that impact our kids. In my experience they follow similar strategies as the TOOLS listed in the sidebar to the right with the focus on the kids. I feel so grateful for the exposure to this with gd's T and a shift toward an attachment focus in all areas of the county mental health center where gd is a client. I see this shift of attitude benefiting DD in the adult program there. She has become more willing to work with a new T there as well.

Please keep coming back to let us know how things are going. We care. We understand.

qcr

[qcarolr]

If you are interested in more information on Attachment Focused therapy for parents and children here are a couple of books that helped me get started in a better direction with gd.

"Brain-Based Parenting... .", Daniel Hughes   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195469.0

"Creating Loving Attachments... .", Kim Golding and Daniel Hughes     https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195443.0

The background of the authors is with foster and adopt families. I find the model applies to all families, especially those with less resilient kids.

qcr