CoParent Counseling

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ahhhhhh, I went last night with the ex.  Two months ago I Petitioned to modify custody based n the normal BP type stuff going on, interference with pickups, picking kids up on my days without notifying me, scheduling activities on my time without consent, obstructionism of getting autistic S9 additional counseling, etc. 

With all this, the Master (a new Master in my Cty, but has no family court experience) opted to not change the Order, but that we would now – 4yrs after the Order was issued, would go to coparent counseling. (Insert goofy face that says “Huh?)  In our first order we were to coparent counseling.  Ex showed up, and when I started voicing my concerns, she up and left.  That was four years ago, on the day of the Hearing this turned into, “he was just being belligerent and bringing up things from the past, so I left.” 

So, this time it was just more of the same, but worse.  The narcissism and projection was abounding throughout the entire hour we were there.  Fortunately the counselor is good, but still don’t think it will help in the end.  So man issues presented or clarified by ex as out of context.  Did not admit to anythng and claimed everything I had to say was, “that’s not true……that’s not what happened, etc, etc.”

Everything I had said had to do with the kids’ behavior, S7 and S9.  Everything ex had to say was about what I had to say.

Also funny that, though she did not admit to doing anything wrong, whole heartedly admitted how she is coparenting with her “partner” but would like to coparent with me, but admitted that the activities that I had cited as happening around the kids, was having an adverse effect on the children, S9 in particular.  She did not,a dn could not, say anything about anything that I have done that was affecting her ability to parent the children. 

So, we go back in front of the Master on the 26th.  We are now each going next week by ourselves with the counselor.

This session just brought back so many memories of the waste of time in marriage counseling.  So now the Dr. asks me, “what can you change to make this better?”  He’s saying the ol’ it takes two to tandgo.  I really couldn’t come up with a decent answer.  Then ex didn’t answer, she basically says that she would “love” to be able to parent with Scraps, that she would loove to get a better idea of what was going on in his house when the kids were there.  RED FLAG!  This is another fishing expedition.

So now I’m back to, how to eliminate this “he said, she said” mantra that ex is so good at that takes away from the issues at hand. 

I do have an oustanding psychological evalaution that I would love to have in my back pocket for keep’s sake.  The Master also did not see the necessity in having this done.  Four years ago, antoehr episode when I was in court to get consent to take S9 to a therapist, that Master instructed us both to get a “psychological.”  A couple more trips back to court to get it right, and ex still does not have a proper evaluation doen by the same Dr. that I had do my eval. 

To me this is the one thing that could explain a lot but the issue is convincing the Master who, at our first hearing, did a “visual” on ex stating, “she looks to be fine and you both appear to be fit, I don’t see the benefit of a psychologicla evaluation.”  He was not at all interested in the two year history of ex sidestepping a real psych eval.

So, again, I’m left with the, “what to do now,” and all of the hisotry that says this just won’t work with a BP.

My advice, if anyone suggests coparent counsleing, at any time, just decline if possible.  It’s just not enough.

           

[scraps66]

Ahhhhhh, I went last night with the ex.  Two months ago I Petitioned to modify custody based n the normal BP type stuff going on, interference with pickups, picking kids up on my days without notifying me, scheduling activities on my time without consent, obstructionism of getting autistic S9 additional counseling, etc. 

With all this, the Master (a new Master in my Cty, but has no family court experience) opted to not change the Order, but that we would now – 4yrs after the Order was issued, would go to coparent counseling. (Insert goofy face that says “Huh?)  In our first order we were to coparent counseling.  Ex showed up, and when I started voicing my concerns, she up and left.  That was four years ago, on the day of the Hearing this turned into, “he was just being belligerent and bringing up things from the past, so I left.” 

So, this time it was just more of the same, but worse.  The narcissism and projection was abounding throughout the entire hour we were there.  Fortunately the counselor is good, but still don’t think it will help in the end.  So man issues presented or clarified by ex as out of context.  Did not admit to anythng and claimed everything I had to say was, “that’s not true……that’s not what happened, etc, etc.”

Everything I had said had to do with the kids’ behavior, S7 and S9.  Everything ex had to say was about what I had to say.

Also funny that, though she did not admit to doing anything wrong, whole heartedly admitted how she is coparenting with her “partner” but would like to coparent with me, but admitted that the activities that I had cited as happening around the kids, was having an adverse effect on the children, S9 in particular.  She did not,a dn could not, say anything about anything that I have done that was affecting her ability to parent the children. 

So, we go back in front of the Master on the 26th.  We are now each going next week by ourselves with the counselor.

This session just brought back so many memories of the waste of time in marriage counseling.  So now the Dr. asks me, “what can you change to make this better?”  He’s saying the ol’ it takes two to tandgo.  I really couldn’t come up with a decent answer.  Then ex didn’t answer, she basically says that she would “love” to be able to parent with Scraps, that she would loove to get a better idea of what was going on in his house when the kids were there.  RED FLAG!  This is another fishing expedition.

So now I’m back to, how to eliminate this “he said, she said” mantra that ex is so good at that takes away from the issues at hand. 

I do have an oustanding psychological evalaution that I would love to have in my back pocket for keep’s sake.  The Master also did not see the necessity in having this done.  Four years ago, antoehr episode when I was in court to get consent to take S9 to a therapist, that Master instructed us both to get a “psychological.”  A couple more trips back to court to get it right, and ex still does not have a proper evaluation doen by the same Dr. that I had do my eval. 

To me this is the one thing that could explain a lot but the issue is convincing the Master who, at our first hearing, did a “visual” on ex stating, “she looks to be fine and you both appear to be fit, I don’t see the benefit of a psychologicla evaluation.”  He was not at all interested in the two year history of ex sidestepping a real psych eval.

So, again, I’m left with the, “what to do now,” and all of the hisotry that says this just won’t work with a BP.

My advice, if anyone suggests coparent counsleing, at any time, just decline if possible.  It’s just not enough.

           

[david]

"what can you change to make this better"  When I am asked this question or something similar I have a plan of things I think will help our boys.

Examples   Ex filed a protection order against me stating I was threatening her when I pick up the boys at her place. Judge wanted a resolution. I said that I would pick the boys up at school instead. Ex hated that idea and the judge liked it. It is in our court order.

In the custody eval I pointed out that ex was not helping S11 with his homework and he was doing over 90 when with me. Ex said she already did 4th grade hopmework and she had no intention of doing it again. I countered that I had no problem helping S11 do all his homework but that I didn't think it fair for S11 that I have only one complete day and one partial day during the school week to do that. I simply said I needed more time. I now have an extra day and am working on more time. Our court hearing was delayed (again) but I got a temp order that will show I am helping the boys way more than ex is and I did get extra time even though it is temp. The temp will become permanent since ex is still doing the same old bs and it is only 4 days ago.

When ex says the crazy s*** I usually go past that unless it is an accusation against me. In that situation I simply say, " That is untrue".

Just this Monday the judge ruled that we are to have a coparent counselor. I believe you are in Pa too so I guess since the parent coordinator was made illegal by the state supreme court last year this is the new hoops you have to go through.

The thing that bothers me the most is that the court system just drags things out and spends more of our time and money that could be used for our kids.

I think the best thing that works for me is having a plan beforehand and being able to back it up with reasons why I think it will work. My ex has nothing to offer except blame.

In court last Monday ex refused to agree with a ROFR. I have a calendar from Monday until the hearing with every time ex left our boys home alone. It's only been 4 days and she wasn't there two of the days. Let her sit on the stand and explain her reasoning. Since there is none I will get ROFR back in our order. It's a chess game and you have to have multiple moves with a central strategy. 

[david]

Also I have never said anything negative about ex even though she constantly attacks me.

[scraps66]

Ahh, we have a ROFR, my ex has never followed it.

Coincidentally, come to find out, we had agreed on a W night social skills class for S9.  Originally I had balked and wanted to find out more on the class before enrolling.  Then we both agreed that he would go, but he has flag football until 4:30, and the class at 5.  So this week - she doesn't take him.

I ask why, she says, "He had football until 4:30 and I thought it too much for him to go.  Plus, when you said no to the class I enrolled him in a 5:15 music class."

Amazing, this is a lot fo waht was discussed last night and at the hearing, the activities and this one was not discussed with me prior. 

Not sure, maybe this is self-destruction but think not.  Wondering if she thinks she has the Master on her side and she's going to sabotage the coparent counseling saying it doesn't work because of me.  She did mention that the master stated he was more of "an EOW" kinda guy becasue someone has to be inthe lead.  Again, no experience with family law.   

[ForeverDad]

I had a two year divorce, the last step before the trial was scheduled was a Settlement Conference in my lawyer's conference room.  I recall beforehand, while in my lawyer's office, her lawyer came in, sat down and started talking, just the 3 of us.  One of the things he said was that he himself was divorced and he had alternate weekends (same as what I had during the temporary order).  He suggested that as something to agree with.  I said, "Sure, sounds good to me but I don't think Ms FD wants alternate weekends."   He was quiet after that.

By the way, that was one of the few times in my life where I had a wonderful answer at the right time.  I savored the moment.

By the way, the settlement conference failed within about 5 minutes or so.  She half-rose, clawing her fingers at me, saying, "I'll scratch your eyes out if you try to get custody!"  So much for court-ordered settlement conference.  Sadly, my lawyer said what she did there couldn't be used in court.

[scraps66]

I wish I was that smooth, FD.  Being in her presence makes my skin crawl.   

[david]

If you have a ROFR and she never follows it make sure it is documented. Every piece of evidence you can gather will eventually add so much weight the courts can't refuse you. (yea I know they can but it is harder). A new law in our state also says that judges must put in writing why they made the ruling they made. That combined with evidence presnted doesn't give as much latitude for a judge to do whatever they feel like doing. They are held more accountable than before. My atty has about 30 pieces of evidence he is going to produce for our hearing. I never had more than three pieces before. It is overwhelming. Evidence is what a judge must make a ruling on and he/she must address that in their decision.