Waif Mom, S4, and school incident

[Turkish]

First, I'll qualify this with what my T reminded me on several occasions, "Let's not attribute every single behavior to some undiagnosed mental illness." Fair enough.

I picked up the kids the other evening. S4.5 was playing with a little plastic sword. It had a safety tip on the end of it, but it's hard plastic. We were playing with the neighbor kids, and a girl 1 year older was waving it around her little sister's face. Even her dad said, "be careful with that around your sister's face." The girl complied. They are very nice kids. Safety tip or no, it can still cause eye injury. S4 got triggered twice in the hour we were there playing, came to me and buried his face in my pants, and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Later, he went into their house and wanted to take something out. The mom said something to him... .again, she is a very nice and calm lady, and he came out kind of crying. He laid down on the ground and cried a little such that the other kids were asking, "are you crying?" They looked up at me and said, "why is he crying?" I shrugged my shoulders. He was fine later. He's 4, but he's also easily triggered.

I got them to bed later than usual since we played with the neighbors. After they were in their room, I saw a message on my phone from their mom. I could hear the car noise in the background so she was on her way home from night class. She said that the teachers took his toy sword away from him, and S4 didn't like the way they handled it and was upset. She said she didn't like the way she handled it either, and I could tell she was upset. She asked me if S4 was ok. I returned her call right away and left a voice mail. I said that he was ok, and threw a couple of his usual little tantrums. She texted me back 1.5 hours later, "sorry I missed your call." No doubt, I'm sure she was "busy" once she got home. Girlfriend first, mother second. Little has changed.

Before I had received her message and knew this, I told my son as I was putting them to sleep that he wasn't going to take his sword to school. I know how he attaches to objects for a week or so until he finds a new one. He said he only wanted to share. I said I understood that, but not all of the kids were nice, and they could hurt someone with it, and that the teachers probably wouldn't let him anyway. He didn't tell me anything about what had happened at school earlier in the day, but he said he understood. I also told him to sleep with it under his pillow since it wouldn't be good to possibly poke his sister with it at night accidentally. He complied. No issue.

Last night, I asked him about the school incident, and he said, "Mommy told me to say it's not a weapon." I acknowledged that and said that the teachers and class had rules to keep kids safe, and that he had to follow them, just like I did when I was a little boy. He likes comparing himself to me, so I also do the reverse to reinforce that.

Their mom never called me last night, and it's probably good since the fact that she told him to defy the teachers makes me madder than the incident. I may have not been as Wisemind as I should be. She's the adult   It was a lapse of judgement for her to let him take it, but I know how he gets frustrated; in turn, frustrating her. I don't like that she is enlisting a 4 year old to do her job as a parent.

In other news, I got the stamped and filed custody document back from the court yesterday via my lawyer. So it's done! I read through the stipulation again, since I hadn't in months while we were waiting, and she violated it in July by spanking S4. The language is clear: no spanking. I've been lazy since there hasn't been drama, and haven't updated my journal since just before that incident. I'm putting time aside tomorrow to bring it up to date.