What is SET? Thank you.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi. Please help. What is 'SET'. How does it work in practice exactly? I think I understand that it is a communication technique that avoids outright invalidation but allows you to convey some truth of a situation. I think. But how? Much needed technique for me right now so any guidance greatly appreciated. (Jade pointers good too.).

Thank you.

[Compassion14]

Hi. Please help. What is 'SET'. How does it work in practice exactly? I think I understand that it is a communication technique that avoids outright invalidation but allows you to convey some truth of a situation. I think. But how? Much needed technique for me right now so any guidance greatly appreciated. (Jade pointers good too.).

Thank you.

[Compassion14]

Anyone?

[Gimme Peace]

S - Support

E - Empathy

T- Truth

I pasted the following from Psychology Today website:

-----So, in theory, I ought to be able to deploy SET - support, empathy, truth statements- successfully when I'm talking to my mother. Essentially, the S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for their book I Hate You--Don't Leave Me.

It consists of a three step communications sequence in which the non-BP first offers support to their borderline loved one("I want you to be happy" empathy ("I can see how lonely you can get when I go out with my friends" and the non-BP's truth; ("At the same time, having friends around gives me great joy, and I need some time with them to feel fully rounded."-----

[kc sunshine]

I'd like to learn about this too, even though I'm out of the relationship with my BPD ex. She kept on complaining that I didn't understand her, and I'd like to learn where I went wrong or could have done better.

[kc sunshine]

Maybe we can role play some SET scenarios with each other here.

Here's one from my recent situation. She wanted to talk about our relationship but I thought talking on the phone was a bad idea, and that we should wait to talk in person. It escalated quickly into a horrible text fight. Here would be a possible SET scenario:

S: I want to be in communication with you.

E: I understand that waiting longer to talk is making you anxious.

T: At the same time, things seem to go better when we are face to face and also I am very tired. Perhaps we could find a time before next week to talk. [in other words, not tonight at midnight]

does that sound like an example of SET?

[Indyan]

Personally I can't see how much more Supportive, Empathic and Truthful I could be.

I don't get that SET thing. How can we try to be EVEN more all this when all we get is Selfishness, Lack of empathy and Lies?

I'm not trying to spoil the thread at all. It's just that none of what I try seems to help my communication with BPD bf (or stbx).

[Compassion14]

Thankyou all. Very helpful explaining the principle. I totally understand the last post also. I have to try and communicate with my BPD ex boyfriend and attempt to stop him totally shafting me financially. He is being totally offensive and I am SO hurt and shocked  and now angry at just how damaging and self absorbed he is being. I know SET will help, maybe, but is it always appropriate? When the crime is SO bad... .does being gentle and understanding work and is it even appropriate?   

Plus he is totally refusing to communicate with me just now. He us trying to assume the role if victim. Is SET doomed in such circumstances or is it my only chance?

Please give me your gut reaction/advice.

Thanks. Cx

[Indyan]

It's the same here. He left me (with 2 kids) and now threatens to stop paying the rent and to give the notice to the landlord before I've found a job. If I dare say this is hard (no to say the least) he says "I can take baby, and you can give your daughter to her dad".

I feel betrayed like never before in my life. Yes, when I'm "nice and friendly" he calms down, but I've no idea what he's capable of behind my back, so the most important thing is to PROTECT YOURSELF.

[Indyan]

He us trying to assume the role if victim. Is SET doomed in such circumstances or is it my only chance?

Please give me your gut reaction/advice.

I'm interested in this too.

[Compassion14]

Ok. So is it the only way and will it work to coach them into communicating again if they seem determined to distance themselves from you and responsibility for the situation they've caused and play victim despite them being anything but the victim in real time (not BPD) reality? Just trying to work out if I even bother trying to talk with him while he's utterly head in the sand. I really feel the need to but... .I'm nervous.

Any feedback or opinions welcome, thanks.

Cx